Those Few Months

Chapter 9

I was never going to get out of bed again. Ever. Even if it was Christmas.

My mother knocked on the bedroom door, but I didn't move from Hollis' bed. She left. Closing my eyes, I ran a hand down my stomach, breathing out slowly. Clayton…

It was the day after exams and I went in for my check up. There wasn't a heartbeat. Clayton was gone. I was too far along. They induced me and I had to give birth to…

I heard the front door open and close. Who was that? Whoever it was called out for my mother. Dad…

"What are you doing here, Robert?"

"I came to see Auden."

Why were they talking so loud?

"She won't want to see you. She's been holed up in that room since she got here."

"I have to-"

"Stop, Robert."

"Let me go."

"No. She's in mourning."

"Victoria, she can't just lay in that bed for the rest of her life."

"She's not going to. She's on break anyways."

"What about work?"

"She doesn't need to work."

"You can't let her-"

"Robert, she just lost a baby. Let her be."

Closing my eyes tightly, I tried to force myself to sleep, but it was impossible.

"What about school?"

"She'll go back when the semester starts. Right now, I just want her to stay away from that town and away from that boy."

"That boy-"

"-she needs space, Robert. You can stay, but don't bother her. I don't want her feeling worse than she already does."

For once, not only was my mother in my corner, but my father also actually listened to her.


The sound of wine glasses clinking woke me up. I sat up and looked around. For a second, I didn't know where I was. Then I remembered I was at my mother's house. Next came the memory of the fact I lost Clayton.

Eli was with me at the doctor. He was with me when I had to have her. That's the last time I saw him. My mom picked me up in Colby and took me back home. She had my cell phone, but I'm sure he's called. I'm sure a lot of people have called. I just don't care to hear from them.

My mother was drinking when I came down the staircase. My father was sitting next to her at the table, looking over a novel. Looking up when he heard me come in, he immediately jumped to his feet.

"Oh, Auden."

I recoiled when he ran to hug me, but he wrapped his arms around me regardless. After a second, I leaned into him.

"I'm so sorry. About all of this."

I closed my eyes. I wanted Eli, suddenly. I hadn't seen him in so long, but I wanted to know what he was doing. His family was supposed to come down for Christmas. I wonder if he went. I bet he took Thisbe. Maybe. Definitely to Christmas Eve. I bet she got to play with Vinny. At least she was happy.

"Robert, let her go."

When he did, I couldn't look at his face. I didn't want to.

"Are you hungry, Auden?" My mother asked, taking a sip of her wine. "Your brother'll be here soon. He's bringing dinner."

"Hollis is coming?"

"Why? Do you not want him to?" My mother pulled out her cell phone. "I'll tell him-"

"No, its fine, I just…" I trailed off, not knowing what I wanted. My mother, who had favored my brother since I was born, was willing to send him away for me? Wow.

"Just what?" My father asked, but I shook my head.

"You don't have to be here," I told him, still not looking at his face. "I'm sure Thisbe-"

"I saw her yesterday."

"On Christmas Eve?"

"Yeah."

"She wasn't with Eli?"

He frowned at me. "Eli's not really…involved with helping Heidi out right now. She said that he really wants to talk to you t-"

"Enough, Robert," my mother interrupted. "Auden needs time."

Sighing loudly, he took a step back. "Well, anyways, I wanted to spend Christmas with you. It's been awhile since we've spent alone time together."

I absently stroked my stomach, which I realized was dumb. My mother, who saw it, grimaced a little.

There was a knock on the door and my father went to answer it.

"You can't-"

"I want to see her."

Eli… I just sat down at the table with my mother, not wanting to see him.

"Eli-"

"You can't just keep her from me. We need to talk."

"She needs time."

"She needs me."

"You just can't-"

"Fuck you."

The door closed. My father came back.

"That was-"

"We heard," my mother said, taking another sip of wine. Next time there was a knock at the door, my mother answered it. This time, it was Hollis.

"Pizzas for Christmas."

Hollis nodded as he and my mother came back into the room. "Yep. Got your favorite, Aud. Mushrooms and sausage." He came up behind my chair and patted me shoulder after he sat the pizzas down. "How you feeling?"

"Hollis-" my father started, but he kept on.

"I mean, you have to be feeling really-"

"I'm not hungry," I said, standing. I quickly made my way up stairs, immediately headed to my room. Then I remembered that I didn't have a room anymore. I went into Hollis' room, locking the door behind me.

It wasn't fair. I wanted Clayton more than anything. Now I'd never get her. Laying down on the bed, I buried my head into the pillow, which that it would suffocate me.


When I woke up, someone was in bed with me. I could feel their breath on my face, hear the soft snore that was escaping their lips. I knew immediately who it was. Keeping my eyes closed, I leaned into him.

"Auden."

I had woken him up.

"Mmm."

"Shhh." Eli ran a hand up and down my back. "I missed you."

I closed my eyes tightly. "I know."

"Do you know what it took to get in here? I had to freaking climb a tree."

"It's because you love me."

"More than anything." And that was true now. The only person he could possibly ever love more was taken from us. I opened my eyes slightly.

"Merry Christmas."

He laughed a little. "You hate religion. You can't celebrate Christmas."

"I think you can now, whether you read the bible or not."

"You atheists, always taking away the good stuff from religion. It's not that you don't believe, it's just that you only want the good part of believing."

"Yep, that's us. We hold meets about it in secret, you know."

"On Sunday mornings?"

"And Wednesday nights."

Eli kissed my head. "Your mother threatened me."

"When?"

"The day after you came here, I tried to follow. Your mother said that she would cut my dick off and shove it up my ass if I came near you before you were ready."

"Sounds bloody."

"And painful."

Bloody and painful… I closed my eyes and Eli realized his error.

"Hey," he whispered, moving to look at me. "I've got you now. Everything'll be alright. I promise."

"Eli…"

He nuzzled my neck. "Auden, if you want to…talk-"

"I don't."

"Then fine. I want to. We need to-"

"I don't care what you want."

So we laid there in silence for awhile. Eli went back to sleep, while I distracted myself by scrolling through his cell phone. Apparently, he too had fallen off the radar. Everyone wanted to know where he was at and if he was okay. His mother and father texted the most. They wanted to know about me too, if we were together, how I was doing. Even without Clayton, I was still part of the Stock family.

"Auden?" There was a knock on the door and then the doorknob rattled. "Honey, this isn't funny. Open the door. Or at least say something."

This startled Eli and he jumped up, stumbling over his feet and falling down.

"Eli!" I got up to help him stand.

"Auden, what's going on in there?"

After helping him to his feet, I went to unlock the door. "Nothing, Mom, Eli just-"

"What are you doing here?" She asked him, frowning. "How did you get in?"

"The window," I told her when it was clear Eli wasn't going to speak to her. "He climbed the tree."

"What?"

Eli just stood there. "I told you I needed to see her."

"Auden, I don't think-"

"Mom, it's okay. I wanted to see him." I looked back at him. "We do need to talk. This is about me and him."

She paused. "Auden, I don't think-"

"I'm fine, Mom. Eli and I have a lot to talk about. Could you…We'll be down in a few minutes. To eat pizza. Okay?"

My mother stared hard at Eli for a moment before turning and walking away. I closed the door, turning to face Eli.

"So."

He kept looking at me. "You know, if you really don't want to talk-"

"I just…it's still raw, Eli." I went and sat down on the edge of the bed, facing away from him.

"What is?"

"The feelings. I just lost her."

"We did, not just you."

"I know."

"I'm hurt too, Auden."

"I know."

"She was going to live with me. Damn it, I've given up so much to have her with me. Auden, this was sudden for me to. When I wake up, I forget. I forget that I'm not going to have a baby. I forget that the only person in the world that ever got me hates me."

"I don't hate you, Eli. I could never hate you."

"Then what are you doing? Huh? Trying to hurt me by not talking to me?" He was starting to get upset. "God, Auden, I've been so worried about you."

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? Sorry? Your sorry is bullshit. Why wouldn't you stay with me? Why wouldn't you be with me? Auden, if you wanted to cry, come cry with me. If you wanted someone to listen, I'm always there. Auden, I'd do anything for you."

He reached out and touched my shoulder. I flinched. Slowly, he got onto his knees on the bed, his hands beginning to rub my shoulders deeply, how he knew I liked it. I moaned a little, turning my head slightly. Eli kissed my neck. Glancing down at his right hand, I saw cut marks.

"What happened?"

"Hmmm?"

"To your hand."

I got another kiss. "Shhh."

"Eli?"

"Hmmm?"

"What if…it was me?"

"If what was you?"

"What if I can't…do this?"

"Do what, Auden?"

"Have babies."

"It was one time, Auden. They don't know what happened."

I leaned back into him, closing my eyes. "It was all so quick. They said that there wasn't a h…and then they wanted me to….and…I hate this, Eli."

I figured that by now, I wouldn't be able to cry anymore, but apparently I could. I cried as Eli kept messing with my shoulders. The only thing I could keep thinking was that this was my fault. All my fault. Eli wasn't the one that lost Clayton. I was. My body killed her. My body killed my baby. I killed my baby. Our baby.

I must have fallen asleep as some point, because next thing I knew, Eli was waking me up.

"What?"

"I got you some pizza. Hollis kept saying some sort of crap about you liking mushrooms and sausage, but I knew you would want the pepperoni and pineapple."

I sat up as he got onto my brother's bed with me. "Thank you."

He pulled piece of pineapple off one of the slices, holding it up to my mouth. His face was emotionless as I ate it, which usually would get me at the very least a faint smile. He kept his finger in my mouth for a second, touching my tongue for a second before pulling it out. I was confused about why he did that, but ignored his weirdness, given the situation we were in now.

"Eli…"

He ripped off a piece of the crust, feeding it to me too, though this time he kept his nasty fingers to himself. After feeding me for a minute, he finally allowed me to feed myself. Then we were just sitting in my older brother's old bedroom, staring at each other, neither sure what to say or where to go next.

Staring at him, all I could do was think about that week after Thanksgiving. Clayton hadn't kicked or moved in a few days from what I could tell and I was worried. Eli just laughed at me and called me paranoid. I kept telling him something was up, but he just told me that the next week we were going to go in for a check up anyways, so it would be alright. The doctor would explain it to me. I wanted to ask Karen about it, but I was back at school at that point and Eli told me not to worry.

Now, sitting here with him, I had to wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't listened to him. I doubted it, but still. Maybe I was just looking for someone else to blame. I'm sure that he too blames me. It was my fault after all. I'm the one whose body killed our baby.

"Eli?"

"What?"

"…I want you to take me home."

"Right now?"

"Yeah."

Standing up slowly, Eli held out his hand. When I took it, he pulled me up.

"Come on then."

My mother wasn't around downstairs. I could hear my brother and father talking in the backyard, but sitting on the kitchen counter was my phone. That's what I needed. Grabbing it, I then headed out front, where Eli was sitting in his car.

"You ready?"

I looked up at my childhood home, slightly feeling bad about leaving my mother. She had been so good to me since I lost Clayton.

"Yeah, I am."


Eli and I didn't go home immediately. We found a motel somewhere near Colby and holed up there for awhile. It was called the Poseidon. It was a rundown place, right on the beach though Eli just stayed in our hotel room. On New Years Eve, we finally did go home.

"Oh my God, Eli. Do you know that we thought you were dead or something?"

Eli closed the door behind us. "Linda?"

She was on his couch, where apparently she had been staying. "God, Eli, you can't just…Auden. I didn't know that you two were-"

"How'd you get in? This is our house," he said, frowning.

"Jake gave me the key. We thought that someone should be here to wait for you incase-"

"Well, you thought wrong. Fuck off." He took my hand and dragged me to our bedroom. My eyes spotted the door leading to Clayton's room, but I immediately closed my eyes.

"We stink," Eli told me. We had been wearing the same clothes all week, though at one point, Eli went out to the local Wal-Mart and bought me a pack of underwear. Yep, we went through all that just to avoid coming back to Colby. We clearly love this town, huh?

I watched as he went over to the closet, pulling out a shirt. "Eli, you shouldn't-"

"They need to stay out of my face."

"They love you."

"They're bothering me." He looked over at me as we heard the front door shut. Linda was gone. "Come on. You can have the shower first."

When I got out of the shower, Eli was in the kitchen, where he was making Rice Krispy treats. I called out to him that I need to go for a walk, alone. He was reluctant to agree, but he eventually did.

It was cold outside. Cloudy. I wished that I had gone back in to get Eli's hoodie, but I didn't feel like having to speak to him. I was afraid that I was going to run into someone that I knew, mainly Heidi and Thisbe, but instead, someone else ran into me. Not figuratively either.

"Oh!"

I actually fell to the ground, which hurt a little bit. Karen, who ran into me, immediately helped pull me up. We were at the boardwalk, which was pretty much empty. Nearly everyone had closed shop at this point, considering it was a holiday.

"I'm so sor…Auden. You're back."

I stared at her for a moment. "Yeah, I am. For now."

"Is Eli-"

"He's here. Linda was at our apartment. She probably has called you."

"Oh, I don't have my phone, but…I'm sorry I ran into you. Heidi had something she needed dropped at the shop and I offered to go. I didn't even see you." She smiled at me. "The boardwalk is mostly a ghost town during winter."

I just stared at her for a moment.

"Where's Eli?" She asked, still not letting go of my hands. "Is he back at the apartment?"

"Yeah." I shifted a little and she let go of my hands. Slipping them into my pockets, I looked over the bike shop, where the front window was boarded up. "What happened?"

Karen didn't even look over at what I was pointing to. "Eli and Steven…his brother tried to talk to him and some words got jumbled."

"And?"

"Eli punched the glass and it shattered."

"O-Oh."

Karen let out a sigh. "Anyways, Auden, it is very good to have you back."

I fell into step with her as she began to walk. "It's…good to be back."


It wasn't good though. I knew that it wasn't. Every time I stepped into that apartment, I thought about Clayton. I thought about what I would do when her real due date came around. What I would do when Eli decided that he wanted to try again. What I would do if he decided he never wanted to try again.

Needless to say, I didn't plan on coming down to Colby during the weekends when school started again. It was about a week before that happened when my dad came down. That's when things turned from bad to worse. Or from worse to horrible. I don't know.

Neither Eli nor I were taking care of Thisbe and hadn't seen her since we lost Clayton. This probably pulled Eli's stress levels up and factored into the equation. Though, given the fact we were still both grieving, I think you can pin it mostly on that. Mostly.

So, when my father showed up at our apartment, I let him in. Eli was out, working down at the shop. We knew that he wouldn't see Thisbe there, if only because Heidi closed shop during the holidays and always opened back up in mid-January. I don't know why not seeing my sister was so important to the two of us, but it was. I guess, maybe, seeing her would remind us that we don't have our own daughter. I guess.

Anyways, there my father and I were, talking around anything serious as we sat on Eli's couch, when the man of the hour showed up earlier than I planned for him. I could tell he was pissed from his body language. Later, I would find out that he and Wallace got into some huge argument, which Adam said had to due with Clayton. The second her name was spoken, Eli had to be dragged out of the shop by one of new guys, who I didn't know. Not before breaking the other window in the building. I swear if Clyde didn't hate us before, he does now.

So, Eli stormed in, all pissed and stuff, so I asked what was wrong. Immediately, he cursed at me, which only succeeded in making my father angry. He told Eli that he needed to cut the attitude and not to talk to me like I was nothing. My father had never stood up for me, ever. In fact, he typically was the one stomping me down. Eli, already upset with his friends, turned his rage onto my father. I eventually calmed things down enough that I got Eli to go cool off in the kitchen. It was then my father made his offhand comment of the night.

"You should be glad you lost the baby, Auden. It was meant to happen. Now you won't be tied to him."

And that's how my boyfriend came to punch my father. Yep. Can you say talk of Colby?


I wasn't going to stay with Eli that night. I couldn't. He was…things were…everything was…different. Difficult. I thought about staying at the hotel with my father, but…I don't know. What he said had made me upset too. So…there was Heidi. Or Leah. Or one of the guys. Maggie's family. Or…

"Come in, come in."

Karen took my hands again, the same way she had that day that she ran into me on the sidewalk.

"I'm sorry, I just don't have anywhere else-"

"It's fine. After all, it is my son that punched your father."

Joseph, who was in the living room, shook his head at this. "That boy… I heard what he did to the window the bike shop. Again. Have you?"

At that point, I hadn't, but it didn't matter. I just went to go sit down on the couch, not even offering up an excuse for my boyfriend. I was tired of Eli. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of crying. I was tired of wanting. I was tired of missing. I was tired of being tired. And that was just it.

"You can stay in Jake's room," Karen told me, but I shook my head.

"I'm fine on the couch, thanks."

"Are sure?"

"Yeah."

She left the room, returning with a blanket and a pillow. "Here you go."

"Thank you," I said as she went into the kitchen. Then it was just me and Joseph.

"So…you're going back to school soon, huh?" He asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Next week."

"It's…been a tough break."

I glanced at him, but he was staring at the television. "Yeah, it has."

"It'll get better. After all, it's not like it can get worse."

Which, in a way, was true. I mean, as long as I didn't die, there's not much more than can be taken from me. Well, another death of someone close to me, but what were the chances of that? Given my luck, I should probably stop thinking that.

After Karen and her husband went to bed, I laid there on the couch; the television turned down so low it might as well have been on mute. I was just watching the repeat of Anderson 360 anyways.

Around the time that the show was going off, Jake came stumbling in. In his drunkenness, he didn't even notice me at first. When he did though, he immediately made his way over.

"A-"

"Shhh, Jake." I glanced at him. "Your parents are in bed."

"Why are you here?" It was slurred, so I just figure that's what he said.

"Eli and I are…fighting."

Jake made his way over to me, sitting down in front of the couch. "Poor Auden. Poor Eli. Poor Clayton."

I blinked. "Jake…"

"I'd fix it," he told me in his slurred speech. "I wan'ed to have a baby too. A baby niece. Take care of her. Love her."

I closed my eyes. "Jake, please, just be quiet."

He sat down there, below me, humming to himself until he fell asleep. I laid there for awhile after that, breathing in and out slowly, willing any tears I had left to not flow, not then, not ever. Crying solved nothing. It never would. In a week, I could go back to my home, my real home, away from Eli and the others. Away from everyone except Maggie. She wouldn't talk about anything that I didn't want to, at least I knew that. I could immerse myself in school, college friends, and work.

First though, I had to cut ties with the family that was so willing to take me in. The member that originally involved me with them, chose then to throw up, all over the living room floor. Because after the shitty time I was having recently, the only thing I needed to do was clean up Jake Stock's puke. Yeah.