Chapter 9 – Starting Over
Jacob's POV
To say that Operation Win Renesmee was a disaster was an understatement. My plans to win her over crashed and burned, the pitiful ashes scattering in the wind.
In the week since our encounter in the pool, Nessie had put up a wall against me that was so strong, even the most skilled invader wouldn't have been able to conquer it. I realized about ten minutes after she left me in the pool how stupid I'd been in my entire approach to winning her heart.
All this time I had been thinking about myself…of my wants and needs. I never even considered what Ness could want. It shamed me to admit, but I'd been acting like a child. Honestly, I'd been acting like one ever since the accident. I was so afraid and angry at the thought of never walking again, I behaved like a brat throwing a tantrum.
Ness had been my anchor the entire time. And how did I treat her in return? Like an easy lay. I wouldn't be surprised if Ness packed up one day and never came back.
I had to remedy the current situation fast, because there was no doubt in my mind that I needed Renesmee. I needed her in my life. It wasn't because she was convenient either. The accident woke me up to right what was in front of me.
I couldn't picture my life without Renesmee anymore. Truth was, it had always been this way. Even after I first got married, I had felt like there was an emptiness inside me because Nessie wouldn't have anything to do with me. Of course, I hadn't realized at the time what was missing in my life. I had felt her absence more on a subconscious level.
Yet at the very lowest points in my life, Renesmee was always there for me, even when she hated me. I remembered right after my son was born stillborn, Leah had decided to "mourn" by going out with her friends to some trendy club. I never blamed her for that. I understood that each person handled death differently, and if Leah needed to go out and get drunk, then so be it.
For me, I thought I needed Bella. I'd gone to her and Edward's house late one night and Edward had offered me their spare room. While I'd be lying in bed staring up at the ceiling, I had heard Bella's newborn son, Oliver, crying in the room down the hall. I hadn't been able to take the sound and made my way to Edward's study. I'd sat on the leather couch in the room, put my face in my hands, and cried my heart out.
It was while I was sitting there that I'd felt the thin arms of my fourteen-year-old god-daughter wrap around my waist. I hadn't hesitated. I'd pulled her onto my lap and buried my face into her neck, sobbing out my heartbreak. Nessie held onto me tightly until dawn, murmuring over and over that everything was going to be okay and that she loved me. When I finally pulled myself together, I had thanked her sheepishly. She patted my face with her tiny hand and we went our separate ways. The next time I saw her, I didn't mention that night, and she went back to ignoring me.
It was strange now that I thought about it. Even then, I needed her. I had been blinded by my love for Bella for so long, but the person I always turned to during the darkest times in my life was Renesmee. Though I was the older one, Ness was stronger. She always had been. She was my rock. And now that I knew my feelings were changing for her and I was actually falling in love with her, it didn't seem strange or awkward. It just seemed so natural and right. But now I needed to find a way to prove to her that she meant more to me than a piece of ass. Ness was my whole world. I needed to convince her of that.
The first step I needed to take was to call Edward's brother-in-law, Jasper. After a Friday morning workout session with Renesmee which had been conducted in complete silence, I made my way into my home office. Shutting the door behind me, I rolled myself over to my desk, picked up the phone, and dialed the number I'd been given.
"Law offices of Whitlock, Uley, and Young, this is Gianna speaking. May I help you?" A woman's voice said.
"Yes, this is Jacob Black. I'd like to speak to Jasper, please." Jasper was a lawyer, one of the best in the business. He knew just which emotions to press to get his way when negotiating.
"Is he expecting your call?"
"I have a feeling he's been expecting my call for months," I muttered.
"I'm sorry?"
"Uh yeah, I'm a client of his," I stated.
"Oh," Gianna replied. "Just one moment please."
A song by The Carpenters began to blare in my ear as I was put on hold. Against my will, I began to nod my head in time with the music. Sadly, I grew up listening to this crap. My mom had been obsessed with the likes of John Denver, Perry Como, and her all time favorite, The Carpenters. I started humming along to the melody I was currently listening to. As soon as it hit the chorus, I couldn't stop myself from belting out the words.
"Baby baby baby baby, oh baby. I love you."
I was really getting into it when the music went dead.
"Uh, thanks Jake, I love you too," Jasper's amused voice came on.
"Oh sorry," I replied. I felt my neck heat up in embarrassment.
"No problem," Jasper chuckled. "How've you been?"
"I can't complain," I returned.
"And how's my niece doing?"
My stomach twisted as I thought of Renesmee's blank expression this morning while we were doing our exercises.
"She's fine," I told him, even as my grip on the phone tightened. "She's helping me a lot."
"Glad to hear it," Jasper responded. "Ness has always been the type who'd give the shirt off her back if someone needed it."
My mind instantly started conjuring up images of Ness shirtless. No. Focus!
"Listen Jasper, I was wondering how things were going with the divorce."
"Things are on track. It usually takes ninety days for a marriage to be dissolved in the state of Washington. I'm negotiating with Leah's lawyer on some things still. You already agreed to give her the penthouse in Seattle and the home on Martha's Vineyard, plus an eight million dollar settlement. Her lawyer is demanding more money though."
I ran my hand tiredly over my face. "Just give it to her."
Jasper snorted. "Absolutely not."
"Jasper, I just want to be through with this."
"I know you do, but it's my job to protect my clients' interest. Trust me, Leah's not going to get any more than she deserves."
"How much longer till I'm free?"
"About thirty days."
"Fine," I sighed. "If you can push things ahead, I'd appreciate it."
"Sure thing," he replied. "I'll keep you updated."
"Thanks, Jasper. Give Alice my best."
"I will."
I hung up the phone and rolled myself into the kitchen. I was surprised to see Seth there. He was talking to Jenny, his expression strained. Neither of them noticed me.
"Jen, please. I'm sorry." He tried to put his hand on her shoulder but she shrugged him off.
"It doesn't matter anymore," Jenny said as she moved away from him. "It was a long time ago. Forget about it."
"I don't want to forget about it," Seth murmured, trying to reach for her again.
She stepped away from him once more. "You made your choice."
I tried to back away so that I could retreat to my room. This was obviously a very private conversation. As I tried to turn my chair though, I miscalculated how much room I had. I hit the wall with a resounding thud, which caused them both to snap their heads in my direction. Jenny looked relieved to see me. Seth looked frustrated.
"Jake, are you ready for lunch?" Jenny asked, walking over to the kitchen table and setting a plate on it.
"That'd be great, thanks," I replied before offering, "I can come back though."
"Don't be silly," Jenny waved off my concern. "Come and eat."
I rolled myself over to the table shooting Seth an apologetic look. He nodded before glancing over at Jen.
Sighing, he said, "I should get going."
He turned and walked out the door, closing the door quietly behind him. I looked at Jenny and raised an eyebrow at her.
"What?" she said innocently.
"You two need to just get a room and get it over with."
Her cheeks flushed but she didn't say anything. She carried a bowl of pasta salad along with some rolls over to where I was sitting and placed them in front of me.
"Listen, I was thinking of visiting my sister in Portland this weekend. Do you need me for any reason?"
"No, you can head out if you want," I assured her.
"Thanks, Jake," she replied. "I'm going to go pack right now."
I nodded and she left the room. I scooped some pasta on my plate, eating it slowly as I thought of this weekend. Ness and I would have the house to ourselves. Maybe we could finally talk and get some things out in the open. Just as I took another bite, Ness walked into the room. She had changed her clothes from the workout outfit she'd had on earlier. She was now wearing a pink stripped halter top that somehow complimented her bronze colored hair and a hot pink skirt that had layered ruffles on it and went about mid-thigh. Her hair fell into waves and curls around her shoulder. Her skin had a pinkish tinge to it indicating that she had recently stepped out of the shower. She looked and smelled amazing.
"You look nice," I remarked casually.
"Thank you," Ness said, grabbing a plate and sitting down next to me. I watched as she began eating. I could feel the tension rising inside of me. She was shutting me out again. Finally, I had enough.
"Ness, aren't we even going to talk about what happened in the pool?" I asked softly.
"No." Renesmee immediately stiffened. "Look, I think we've done enough exercise for the day. I'm going to cancel our afternoon session."
I eyed her more carefully. I had a sneaking suspicion as to why she was dressed up.
"You have big plans tonight?" I wondered.
"I'm leaving for Seattle," Ness said as she pushed her food around on her plate. "I'm spending the weekend with Nahuel."
"Oh," I replied, feeling crushed. I wanted to beg her not to go; to give us a chance. Instead, I smiled painfully at her and said, "Have a safe drive."
She looked somewhat surprised, but she nodded, "Thanks."
"Well," I murmured, looking down at the exercise shorts I was still wearing from earlier. "If we're done for the day, I'm going to take a shower."
Giving her another sick smile, I grabbed my plate and put it in the dishwasher before heading to my room. Grabbing some fresh shorts, I went into my bathroom. Stripping off the clothes I was wearing, I positioned myself on the bench that was inside my shower stall. Turning on the water, I let it run over me, closing my eyes as I tried to relax.
How the fuck could I prove to Renesmee that I was serious about wanting to be in her life when she was always running off to lover boy? I looked down at my legs…my pathetic, useless legs. Anger began to overwhelm me as I stared at them lying there motionless.
Balling my hand into a fist, I punched one as hard as I could. It felt like I was hitting someone else. I watched with detached interest as the skin turned red before becoming puffy. I knew I'd have a bruise there, not that I would even feel it. Sighing, I began to wash up. Once I was through, I got out of the shower and dried off, pulling on my clean shorts before making my way back towards the center of the house.
"Hello?" I shouted out. No one responded. I rolled myself to the window overlooking my driveway and glanced out. Jenny and Renesmee's cars were gone. Feeling my shoulders sag, I made my way back to the middle of the room.
Now what?
I thought about calling Seth over, but I had a feeling he was still ticked at me for interrupting his conversation with Jenny. I could always hang out with Rachel and Paul, but I really didn't feel like having Rachel hover over me all day. I looked down at my legs. There was a large purple bruise forming where I'd hit the one earlier.
As I stared at them, it dawned on me that I knew exactly how to prove my feelings for Renesmee. She thought I had taken a defeatist attitude about my ability to walk again. A part of me had. The doctor told me I wouldn't walk again and I just accepted that. But Nessie believed in me. I was going to work my ass off proving that her faith was justified.
I rolled myself into my exercise room. Going over to the mats, I laid down and began to do the stretches Renesmee had taught me. Once I was sufficiently warmed up, I went over to the exercise bike. I strapped my feet onto the pedals and turned the machine on. I leaned back in my seat and closed eyes as I let the bike move my legs. I needed to keep them circulating.
I sat like that for the next couple of hours. I knew my body would pay for overstressing my muscles, but it was for a good cause. I was debating whether to go for another hour when I heard someone call out my name.
"In here," I yelled out, before turning slightly to face the door. My mouth dropped open a little when I saw it was Bella.
"Hey Jake-" Her eyebrows snapped together as she looked at the sheen of sweat on my face to the machine, before she looked around. "Where's Renesmee?"
"She went to see lover boy this weekend," I grunted, turning my attention back to my bike and shutting it off.
"Should you be exercising without her?"
"I'm a grown man, Bella," I snapped. "I don't need to be coddled."
"I know that, Jake, but…how long have you been at it?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. A couple of hours, I guess."
"Won't that hurt you?"
"What are you doing here, Bella?" I gritted as I bent down to unhook my feet. I grabbed my one leg and swung it over the middle of the bike so that it was next to my other one. I went to reach for my wheelchair when my back started to clench up into spasms. Letting out a cry of pain, I hit the floor.
"Jake!" Bella screeched.
"My back," I yelped.
"What should I do?" she questioned worriedly.
"Massage the area just left of my right shoulder blade," I instructed.
Her cool fingers drifted lightly across my back. I couldn't help but compare them to Ness's firm, knowing hands.
"To the left," I ordered and she did what I asked. "Now a little to the right."
Fuck! Ness would already be taking my pain away if she were here. Bella finally found the sore spot. I felt like pounding my head against the floor when I barely felt any pressure from her.
"Harder," I yelled as the pain became excruciating. She added only slightly more pressure. "Jesus, fucking press harder, Bella. Dig your elbow into it if you have to."
She leaned in close and used her elbow against me. I felt her breasts against my back, but I had no reaction to her much to my relief. After awhile, she was able to work out the knot in my back.
"Okay, that's good." I eventually muttered.
She laid down next to me breathing hard. "You stupid shit. Don't ever exercise like this again unless Renesmee is here. What if I hadn't shown up? You could have ended up on the floor in pain all weekend."
"I know," I grumbled. "Thank you, Bells."
"Why?" she asked, rolling on her side and raising herself up on her elbow. "Why would you risk your safety like this?"
I rolled gingerly on my back and stared up at the ceiling. "I'm tired of being a cripple."
"Oh Jake-"
"I'm not looking for sympathy," I said testily. "I've been wallowing in self-pity long enough. I need to focus on getting better and stop doing everything half-ass."
"Where'd you get all this new motivation from?" Bella wondered.
I glanced at her and debated telling her the truth. What could I say though? Well, Bella, remember how we gave each other our virginity? Yeah, now I want to be with your daughter.
I took the pervasive approach instead. "What are you doing here anyway? Where's Edward?"
"We came into town so that he and Carlisle could take Oliver out this weekend for a camping trip. They're doing some male bonding, so I thought I'd pop over and spend some time with my daughter."
"I'm sorry you missed her," I replied, carefully sitting up and cautiously placing myself into my wheelchair.
"I'm sorry too," Bella said, sitting up. "Now, stop trying to change the subject. Why were you trying to kill yourself on the bike?"
I snorted. "You're such a drama queen. You've been like that since high school. I wasn't trying to kill myself."
Bella's eyes narrowed. "Tell you what. You go take a shower…cause Jacob, you kind of stink right now, and I'll make us some dinner. Then you and I are going to have a nice long talk. We haven't had one in a long time."
I silently groaned but agreed. Going back into my bathroom, I took my second shower of the day and then got dressed, pulling on a black t-shirt and Army green shorts. When I went into the kitchen, Bella was cooking hamburgers on my George Foreman grill. She grabbed a bag of potato chips out of the cupboard and poured some in a bowl. She placed it on the table along with some condiments and two beers. We soon started eating.
"So how are thing working out between you and Ness?" Bella asked after taking a bite out of her sandwich and swallowing it. I nearly knocked over my can of beer when she mentioned Ness's name. I grabbed it just before it tipped over.
"Jeez, jumpy much?" Bella joked.
"Sorry," I said stupidly. "What do you mean…how are things working out between me and Ness?"
"What did you think I mean?" she asked coyly. "I meant how's it going working with her?"
"Oh," I muttered, picking up a chip and popping it into my mouth. "It's going good."
"What would she say if she knew how you over exercised yourself today?"
"She'd probably say the same thing you did…I was being a stupid shit."
"You never answered me before," Bella remarked casually. "Why are you suddenly so motivated now? Why not before?"
I shook my head. Bella was so damn stubborn. She never let anything go. In that regard, Ness was very much her mother's daughter.
"I just…I want more out of life than this," I finally said. "I want to know that I did everything possible to walk again."
"Oh," Bella replied, looking dissatisfied with my answer.
"Isn't that a good enough reason?" I wondered.
"Yeah, it is," she nodded but still looked disappointed. "It's just that, Jasper said you called him earlier…"
Before I could get react to that news, she swiftly added, "Don't worry, he only mentioned that you called, not the reasons behind it. I assumed though it had to do with your divorce and I just thought maybe…I don't know. I thought maybe you had met someone else and that's why you were suddenly taking an interest in your divorce."
I open and closed my mouth. I was on very tricky ground right now. I wanted to confess everything, but there was no way in hell I could tell Bella that my interest was in her daughter. But Bella had also been my sounding board and best friend for as long as I could remember. If I was close to anyone and felt that I could share confidences with any particular person, it was her.
"There is someone," I finally admitted. Bella shrieked and came over and hugged me.
"Finish eating," she ordered once she let me go. "I want to get comfortable while you dish out details."
As I shoved more food in my mouth, Bella started clearing off the table. She went back into the kitchen and restored it to Jenny's pristine condition. As soon as I was done, we went to the living room. I got settled on the couch while Bella took a chair opposite of me.
Curling her feet underneath her, she said, "All right, spill."
"What do you want to know?"
"What's she like? Are you dating? Who asked who out? What does-"
"Whoa, one at a time," I interrupted with a laugh. "To answer your first question, she's amazing. She's sweet, funny, caring, blunt, doesn't put up with any of my shit, and she's beautiful. I mean, drop dead gorgeous."
"She sounds perfect," Bella said with a smile.
"She is," I nodded sappily. "She's perfect for me at least."
"How'd you meet?"
Fuck!
"Uh, she works at the hospital where I got treated."
"Oh, so she works in Seattle, not here?" Bella questioned.
"No, I mean…she works locally. Remember, I was treated by a doctor here," I said evasively.
"Oh…" Bella replied with slight confusion before asking excitedly, "Did you ask her out yet?"
"No." I frowned. "I want to be on my feet first."
"Jake, you should ask her out now. Before someone else does."
"I can't, Bells. It's complicated," I muttered.
Bella crossed her arms over her chest. "Then un-complicate it. You like her. Does she like you?"
"I think so…I don't know," I responded with a sigh. "We haven't always had the best, uh…working relationship."
Bella's eyes narrowed for a minute as she observed me. I felt like a bug being inspected under a microscope.
"So tell me more about her," Bella demanded though her face was thoughtful. "How old is she?"
I felt my face flame. "She's…um…she's younger than me; in her twenties, in fact."
"My, my, she's practically Nessie's age," Bella stated almost smugly.
"Yeah," I said with a cough. "How about that?"
"Is the age difference a problem for her?" Bella asked.
"I don't think so," I murmured. God, I really hoped it wasn't.
"I bet it's not," Bella said, looking out the window as she watched the sun begin to set. "I bet this girl has feelings for you, too. I bet it wouldn't matter to her in the slightest if you were five, ten, or seventeen years older than her."
I froze as Bella mentioned the exact age difference between Ness and I. I glanced at her, but she was still staring out the window.
"Well, Jake, I say go for it," she finally replied after a moment of silence. "Don't be an idiot about it though. Girls that young will think you're only interested in them to be a trophy wife. She's not the type looking for a sugar daddy, right?"
"No," I replied instantly. "She's definitely not the type. She's not interested in that kind of stuff at all. She's above that. S-She's completely amazing."
Bella carefully inspected my face and smiled. "Wow, I never thought I'd live to see the day."
"What are you talking about?" I asked in confusion.
"Jacob Black…finally in love."
I rolled my eyes at that. "Bells, I've been in love before."
She made a scoffing noise. "It certainly wasn't with Leah, and it definitely wasn't with me."
I felt my eyebrows draw together. "You don't think I loved you?"
"Jacob, I think you were more interested in the idea of me than the real me. I mean, we started dating right after your mom died. You needed that female companionship. But in the long run, our love never really went deeper than friendship and occasional sex. That's why I was so confident that Edward was the one for me the second I saw him. All these years I've been hoping you'd find a great love, too. And now you have."
I frowned as I glanced at the arm of my couch. Was what Bella said true? Had I only held onto her so tightly all these years because I was looking for a female substitute in my life after my mom died? Damn, Freud would have a field day with that one.
"Now," Bella continued. "From what I've picked up so far, you haven't done much in the act of pursuing this girl. What have you done?"
I went over the basics.
"So basically, you've tried to seduce her? That's been your big plan so far?" Bella asked condescendingly.
"Yeah, well, I'm still working out the kinks to my game plan."
"How about this?" Bella retorted. "First off, drop your stupid plan. This girl sounds like she sees right through all your antics, which means she probably doesn't think you're serious about her. Stop playing games and follow your heart."
I looked at her unsurely which caused Bella to giggle.
"Trust me, Jacob, this girl could be yours. Just be honest with her. She'll respect you a lot more for that." Looking down at her watch, Bella said, "I should get going. Esme and I are going on an all day shopping trip in Port Angeles tomorrow. Alice is meeting us, so I'm going to need plenty of rest."
She came over and kissed me on the cheek.
"Give Ness my love," she requested as she pulled away. With a slight smile on her face, she added, "And good luck with her."
"Her?" I asked, my heart pounding. Had Bella figured it out?
"The girl you're so interested in," Bella replied innocently. She headed towards the front door, but turned around before she went through it. "Oh, and I'd stop with the crazy exercise routine. Unless Renesmee is here to save you, that is."
With that, she closed the door behind her, leaving me to wonder if I had stepped into some strange universe where people spoke in codes. I made my way to my room for an early night's sleep. The next day my body was so sore, I didn't move unless I needed the bathroom or food. I felt a lot better the following day. I got dressed in a nice pair of jeans and a button down shirt. I went into the kitchen and cooked an omelette for my dinner. Just as I was about to eat, Renesmee walked in.
"Hey," I said, looking at her tired, strained expression. She looked like she'd been crying. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah," she replied, making her way over to me. "I don't suppose you have anymore food left?"
"Sure," I said, shoving my plate towards her before grabbing more food. I asked casually, "How'd this weekend go?"
Ness's fork was partially raised to her mouth. She seemed to hesitate before she placed it back down on her plate. "It was fine."
"I'm glad," I murmured. What I wouldn't give to be able to just pull her onto my lap and hold her close.
Sitting back in my chair, I observed her closely.
Deciding that I couldn't put off any longer, I said, "Ness, I want to talk about what happened in the pool."
She pushed her chair back and started to stand up. I leaned over and grabbed her wrist, restraining her.
"Please," I begged.
Sighing, she sat back down. "Fine. What is it that you have to say?"
"I'm sorry," I stated simply.
She stared at me for a moment before looking back down at her food. "Okay."
"No, you misunderstand. I'm not sorry we kissed. I've been wanting to do that since your twentieth birthday."
Her head popped up on that. I continued.
"I'm sorry that you felt I was treating you like a convenient lay. I never meant to make you feel that way. The truth is, Renesmee, I'm more attracted to you then I've been to anyone else in my entire life. It's not just a physical thing either. There's so much I like and admire about you. I like the sound of your voice and how much you care for people. I like your sense of humor and your passion for life. The truth is, there are so many things I completely adore about you. When I said you were amazing, I meant it. I know me saying this to you is strange given that you've always seen me as your godfather. But I'd really like to explore what's between us some more. Because you feel it too, don't you?"
"Yes," Nessie whispered, her eyes shining with tears as she met my eyes. I reached over and grabbed her hand, flipping it over so that the back of it was on the table. I ran my thumb across her palm.
"Renesmee, all I'm asking for is a chance," I pleaded. "I know you have Nahuel and you said you were planning on m-marrying him someday. But if a part of you wonders what this is between us, I'm begging you to give me a shot. That way, years from now when you look back on your life, you won't have to say, I wish I would have done it differently."
"Is that what you've done?" Ness questioned softly. "Do you have regrets?"
"Yeah, I have a ton," I admitted.
"Like what?" she asked, her head cocking adorably to the side. I decided to be honest.
"I wish I wouldn't have married Leah. I wish that I would have waited until I was really in love with someone before I got married. I wish I would have seen how wonderful you were even earlier than I did. I wish I would have done things differently with you so you'd know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much you truly mean to me."
A tear spilled over her cheek. I reached over and wiped it away with my finger. Ness pulled away from me and walked over to one of the large windows overlooking the ocean.
"What about Nahuel?" she wondered heartbreakingly.
"If you decide in your heart that you want to be with him instead of me, I won't interfere with that. What I'm proposing is that we try dating. We can keep it just between us if you want."
"That's stupid and destructive," Ness said with a shake of her head. She didn't say anything for the next few minutes.
Just as I was about to accept defeat, she turned to me and said, "Okay, Jacob. Let's try this and see where it takes us."
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Thank you to everyone who voted for this story in the Shimmer Awards. I really appreciate you taking the time to do that for me. LOL, that said, I didn't win. Honestly though, I didn't expect to. I was up against a story that has around 56,000 reviews. However, I saw that I had the second highest amount of votes in the category. To have a story about Jacob and Ness come in second to one of the most popular stories in the fandom is quite an honor. *big cyber hugs*
All right everyone, please leave feedback for this chapter!
