Hey! I would just like to say that the next update will be the 21st! Also I hope this chapter is much better, and if i dont make the date I apologize in advance i really try and take it seriously. Well~! be sure to review plz!
Chapter Nine: Just a Little Healed
With every regret in the social sense, there is an inevitable solution, forgive and forget or forget all together. This is how we think of fixing our mistakes, or possibly theirs, when it comes to interactions with people.
If only the world were so simple.
But the heart knows it scars and the mind looks over every detail with heavy thought. So, if that is true, then how are we to fix false words or actions?
An answer, like most, dependent on the individuals involved, but it is an answer to be solved by the individuals themselves and their actions. Of course then again, while it is true that actions speak louder than words, one must never forget that words can be stronger, because while both can do many of the same things only one can save a soul.
I'm comfortable with hating the world, but one thing I can't handle is hating myself beyond anything or anyone else. But at this moment, walking down route #12, that is all I can think. I hate myself for being stupid. I hate myself for being childish. I hate myself for being stubborn. I hate myself for being selfish. I hate myself for having an ego. I hate my own insecurity. I hate my smile. I hate my teeth. I hate my looks. I hate my height. I hate breathing and smelling and seeing and hearing and knowing.
I hate every little thing and every big thing about me, and it is only for this moment as I walk to school that it becomes clear to me beyond anything else.
And guess what? I hate me for hating myself.
Grimacing with displeasure at the thoughts whirling in my head, I realized the world seems slower today, the leaves swirl around me in slow winds, there is no one else but me walking down the streets but the guiding lights don't realize that and direct as if someone is there waiting for directions. That's what I am. I am a stupid red light in an empty street, glaring bright red with hopes that someone in the distance will see my colors, acknowledge them and respond.
Nothing but a stupid programed machine with tons of hope and no chance, but wait, I do have a chance. What am I saying? Have no chance at what? I have good grades, people love me without me having to love them, and I am respected with a great company to run at the beginning of my adulthood.
Yet somehow, comparing that to this empty street is even more fitting in my head than anything else.
Naruto is absent today.
I'm stuck. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Where do I sit? Where can I eat lunch? Am I still his friend? Was I ever his friend? What do I do?
And what about Naruto? Is he mad at me? Did I get him sick? Wait, I wasn't even really sick, but still what if he is sick anyway? What if what I said yesterday sent him into some kind of depression?
I spaced out the entirety of first period, which was a bad thing considering Kakashi was actually teaching something today because the principle was "sitting in" on everyone's classes today. After first period, I considered skipping. It would be nice to not have to be around Sakura and Ino or have an awkward lunch with Naruto's friends. But then again Itachi was still watching me like a hawk at home that left only one choice for me.
As degrading as it was, I found myself hiding out in the bathroom handicap stall doing random homework and playing around with my phone absent mindedly. Who knows how much time passed as I sat on the stall's floor, on my jacket that I will never wear again? But however much time passed at some point there was a knock at the stall door. I paused completely, feeling an eyebrow raise as I looked over at the stall door. "Occupied."
"Sasuke?" my throat closed up as a blonde head peaked under the stall and looked at me. I watched Naruto climb through the large crack wondering if I was imagining things. Then I decided that, no, I wasn't imagining a thing. Naruto squatted in front of me, a concerned look on his face as he waved his hand in front of my face. "Sasuke?"
"Yeah." I said, finding my voice.
"What are you doing here?" Naruto said looking around the stall, "Its lunch time you know?"
"No I didn't." I replied as I started to pack up my things, "You weren't here I thought?"
"I had to go to a doctor's appointment, stupid check-up crap but Iruka insists." Naruto explained, scratching the back of his head and laughing. Then all of a sudden he stopped, his eyes got wide as he stared at me. "Sasuke…were you in here, because you were worried about me? Shikamaru told me that you skipped all of your classes after first period, and that all through first period you seemed empty headed. I really don't think that guy really sleeps through every class, it would be inhuman. Oh! But wait, I was asking you a question. Were you worried?"
Naruto's face inched a little closer to mine, I could feel a familiar heat rising to my cheeks "I…yeah…."
"Well I'm fine okay." Naruto said smiling at me, "Now come eat lunch with us, everyone is wondering what happened to you."
Naruto began to open the stall, and before I even realized it my hand was clasped around his wrist. Blue saucers stared at me questioningly. They are so beautiful it's indescribable, no matter how hard I try to capture their beauty with words, it's an impossible task. "Naruto. What Iruka does…Itachi does the same. It's annoying but all he does is nag me about my health, and about getting enough sleep or sometimes he'll knock on my door without any warning asking me all kinds of questions about my day and how I'm doing. I swear it's all just to annoy me."
A bitter laugh escaped my lips before I could stop it, but I continued, "All I do is push that away. That concern…..that care…you were right yesterday, and I hate being wrong so…I said something I shouldn't have and I'm sorry. But you were also wrong yesterday..." I searched his eyes, seeing the question gleaming in his irises, hunting for the right words to say, "You have a lot of people who care for you, more than me. Isn't it funny that you're just as blind as I am?"
The moment seemed to pause, as Naruto's eyes bore into mine digging for the meaning behind my words. I watched them flicker with emotion, and slowly I began to see the water building. The way his lip was quivering, and his shoulders started to slowly shake. A whimper escaped his lips, and slowly the tears began to fall. To me, those words seemed like nothing more than words, but I know from my experience yesterday that when someone tells you just what you need to hear, the effect is profound no matter how simple the words used. Naruto clutched me slightly; I remained still because I knew that he was trying to regain his strength. Finally, he looked up at me, smiling with clear white teeth "It's just like you to try and make the last point a right one in an argument, stupid bastard."
"Let's go." I said, lifting myself off the ground, feeling a little stupid, carefully holding my jacket so that it didn't make any direct contact with me. Naruto noticed and laughed, so I through a roll of toilet paper at him and he responded by throwing liquid soap, which by the way got all over my hair.
After stuffing my head under a sink and punching Naruto in the stomach for revenge, we made our way out to the lunch table. Gaara was the first to notice our approach, and pointed out to the others who all smiled instantly at the sight of us, or at least at the sight of Naruto who was waving happily.
"Ah look who it is! Ice Prince has come to join our table again, after being locked in his castle all day due to a lovers spat." Shikamaru announced as I sat down in my place next to Naruto, I wanted to punch Shikamaru now, lovers spat?
"I don't know, do you think tower would fit a little more?" Said Kiba, who was sitting beside him, "Oh, wait towers are for princesses."
"I think princess might fit better with Sasuke." Shikamaru laughed, holding out his phone to Kiba, "Especially with this blush."
"Ohhh…." Kiba mocked, looking at me pointedly, "He just looks so adorable."
"Alright I get it leave me alone." I glared, realizing I didn't even have anything to eat. Apparently I wasn't the only one, because Kiba reached over and placed in front of me water with half of a peanut butter sandwich, some chips, some almonds, and a half of a turkey sandwich.
"Just relax; we are just messing with you." Kiba said, laughing. I looked around and the table, Gaara never eats anything but Shino had a tub of almonds, Choji was munching away on the chips that I got, Shikamaru was eating half a peanut butter sandwich, and Kiba had half of a turkey sandwich in front of him. I slowly realized what had taken place, and looked around the table once more to see smiling faces.
That was the moment I realized I wasn't even aware that I had become a part of something much bigger than myself.
I can't believe that I admitted that Naruto was right about something, but even more frustrating was the fact that I have lost sight of my goal. The ultimate goal is that I need to fix whatever is up with Naruto; I don't need him to fix me. So today I will defiantly find answers, because there is defiantly something still wrong with him. He still carries that look in his eyes, it's as if he's saying that no matter how many people care for him there is no way they can save him from his nightmares.
Today is Friday and we are shopping around looking for a gift for Shikamaru together, it almost makes me want to go back to those weekends I spent scrubbing away at my sink.
Naruto is embarrassing in public.
I have never wanted to tape his mouth shut so much in my life, especially in that single moment when he yelled his problem with the stores goods while the owner stood right behind the couch glaring at us.
I would have killed him.
After being kicked out of that store, we found ourselves in a little tiny shop that sells foreign goods. We were looking for something in particular here; hunting in a board game section that I didn't even think would exist in this little store. Apparently Shikamaru likes chess? I didn't know that.
"What are we looking for?" I asked Naruto, wondering what we were doing in a foreign shop where they sell all kinds of forging products, obviously, but the point was we were looking for something special and probably something we can't carry since Naruto insisted that we drive. Something I would end up having to pay for, and I really don't like to spend a lot of money unless it benefits me personally.
But a gift for Shikamaru could benefit me personally.
I watched Naruto stomp around, searching through all the different types of game tables for something in particular. Finally a wide smile appeared on his features, letting me know that he had found exactly what he was searching for.
It was a GO board, I really don't know a lot about the game honestly. I've never had much time for games, not since I was around the age of five.
Naruto and I made an agreement to pay half for the new, decked out game board, which had multiple tops and tons of different types of game pieces and give it to Shikamaru as a joined gift. (I really wish I could draw a picture for you guys, I'm having a hard time describing exactly what it looks like? Also this shop is based on a real shop that I visit often….it's a cool place...anyway I have seen and admired the game board I am describing on multiple occasions but ehh…still having trouble)
It was amazing that we managed to finish shopping with Naruto still alive, but regardless of his annoying characteristics, I still invited him to spend the night at my house and go with me to the party tomorrow.
"How many people will be there?" I asked, we were having dinner at my house since the parties location was at Juogo's and I absolutely insisted that I would not eat at the same place multiple times a week. "Just the regular guys or….?"
"Well….everyone will be there." Naruto said, throwing his hands up and smiling will excitement while opening his cup of ramen. I felt like slapping myself in the face.
"Everyone? As in everyone we know or everyone…?" I tried asking, a little confused. Shikamaru doesn't seem to be that social, it doesn't seem like he would be friends with that many people.
"Gaara, me, you, Shikamaru, Ino, Sakura, Ten-Ten, Temari, Shino, Kiba, Neji, Bushy-eyebrows, uh…..people?" Naruto continued with a confused look on his face. Who the hell is bushy-brows, or Ten-Ten? I recognized Neji from the advanced tests I took a year ago. Wait a second….Ino….Sakura…I'm going to die, but I have to go now I bought a gift and Naruto is excited…..
Tons of expressions must have been showing on my face because Naruto paused his eating to stare at me, then suddenly cracked up, "Is the great Sasuke nervous?"
"I'm not nervous DOBE!" I said, bringing my fist down on his head, Naruto let out an "ow" and glared at me, reaching over the table and grabbing my hair. I pushed my hands against his face and he bit down on my finger. I growled reaching down for his cup ramen and throwing it in the direction of the trash can.
I made it in.
We paused simultaneously; Naruto stared at the trash can and then looked over at me with a frown on his face, "You threw away my ramen.", he tried to say with my fingers in his mouth, I took them out setting my hands on the table surface and preparing for a fight.
"I did." I said, to be honest I was just as shocked about what I did as he was but none the less I continued to answer, "You bit my finger."
"YOU THREW AWAY MY RAMEN!" Naruto roared, I sighed shoving my food over for Naruto to eat. He looked down at it, his thinking face on, before calmly digging in.
There was a long pause as I watched him eat, I realized that was kind of creepy though and decided on continuing with his previous comment. "I'm not really that nervous, but I don't want to have girls hanging all over me the entire time or at all really."
"Really? I thought you liked that?" Naruto questioned, finishing my dinner with ease.
"No, why?" I asked, thinking about all the trouble I have gone through in the past to get away from them.
"Because you always used to rub it in my face that you had all the girls in love with you", Naruto answered soberly, I let out an "oh" and an awkward silence filled the room. I really only said those things because I was mad, and I wanted to get at Naruto with something I knew would bother him.
But Naruto being Naruto just wouldn't leave things at that.
"So are you still going to go?" Naruto asked, a little quietly and I wondered if he really wanted me to go or if he was asking to be polite. But then again polite and Naruto don't really go in the same sentence very well.
I groaned, "Fine. May as well."
Naruto perked up, jumping out of the seat he was sitting in to hunt of ramen cups in my pantry, "That's so awesome!"
I stared at him rummaging through everything with a smile plastered on his face, it made him look stupid, it made him look….."Hey Naruto, I've been meaning to ask…I found a knife in one of your dresser drawers. Why is it in there?"
I realized that if this were a horror movie this would be the part where Naruto would lung at me with something sharp he pulled out of nowhere and killed me. But this was reality, and Naruto was still Naruto killer psycho or not I could still take him down with ease.
I mean really? Come on?
Naruto seemed startled for a second before brightening, "Oh yeah! Me and Gaara used that when we were little to prick our fingers and make a blood oath thing! You know what I mean? Kids do that sometimes."
I knew what he was talking about, suppressing the urge to slap myself; I realized that means Naruto has known Gaara for a long time. That would make him closer to Gaara than me; closer to Gaara, the murderous red head with a bad reputation but with grades that out did mine in a heartbeat.
But I was still taller.
"Hey Sasuke.", Naruto said quietly, I looked over at him and a light blush caught his cheeks, he smiled nervously and waved his hand at me, "Never mind."
I hate it when people do that to me, "No, tell me or I'm going to throw away all the ramen I own and stop buying it all together." Naruto looked frightened, Kakashi already had him banned from ramen technically and my house was the only place he could get it at the moment.
"I was just thinking that we could do what me and Gaara did." Naruto said quietly, "it's stupid."
Was he really introducing me to do something that only him and Gaara have done? On the other hand it was really childish, but… "I don't think it's stupid."
I pointed out where the silverware was, and he pulled out a small knife. After a brief argument about who would go first Naruto drew the short stick and had to slice the palm of his hand first. I must have been staring intently, but that light blush was still on his cheeks, and when he cut himself a whimper escaped that for some reason I enjoyed hearing more than anything.
He handed me the knife, staring right back at me, but I just assumed that he was going to watch me cut my hand not say something embarrassing, "Sasuke….are you a sadist?"
I froze, the tip of the knife poised on my hand carefully as I yelled at Naruto "Do you even know what that is Dobe! Stupid…."
"YOUR BLUSHING ITS TRUE?" Naruto exclaimed, I growled with frustration, but then Naruto stopped to whine impatiently, "Hurry up Sasuke! This is really bleeding, I need a Band-Aid."
I dug the knife in my palm, refusing to let out any hint of pain before pressing my palm against Naruto's, it was childish, and maybe even stupid. But….I felt connected….
"You know?" Naruto continued as he bandaged his hand, "You being a sadist really does explain a lot."
"I AM NOT A SADIST!" I yelled, stopping only when I realized that Itachi had probably heard me. "Whatever, let's just go to sleep we can share the bed. Just no touching got it?"
Soon Naruto was sleeping with a completely peaceful face while muttering into his pillow about a pajama party with ramen. I was staring at him wondering what tomorrow would be like, but then I thought about how stupid it was of me to think that the knife was really something horrible. So then what is really going on with Naruto?
Well…I guess it just goes to show that even I can be wrong…right?
