Chapter IX - Super Monkey Brawl
"Security system breached! Security system breached! Intruder alert! Intruder alert!" repeated the feminine voice belonging to the automated security system.
"What the hell did you do, Snake?" asked Sephiroth.
"I dunno!" Snake replied, "I must've accidently tripped something."
Suddenly, the lights of the store all came on at once, flooding Snake's night vision goggles, and blinding him.
"AUGH!" screamed Snake, "The light! It burns!"
Snake quickly ripped the night vision goggles off of his head, and whipped them to the ground.
"I have to get out of here." he said, rubbing his eyes, slowly getting his vision back. Tapes in hand, he felt his way past the shelves of movies, towards the front counter.
"Defense system activated!" said the feminine security voice, "Unleashing security monkey."
Snake stopped in his tracks, and tried to comprehend just what the computer had just said.
"Security... monkey...?" he asked himself.
As if on cue, a small steel cage emerged from the center of the ceiling, and inside was a small, brown-furred monkey. Once it spotted Snake, it smiled at him.
Snake simply stared back at it, "This has to be some kind of joke. Am I on Punk'd?"
The monkey then proceeded to open the cage, leaned out, grabbing onto the bottom of the cage bars with it's feet, and hung upside-down. It hung there for a second, staring and smiling at Snake.
Snake chuckled at it, "Unbelieveable." He turned his back on the monkey and continued to walk towards the checkout counter, "To think I was worried that I was caug--"
Snake was suddenly interrupted as the monkey swung from it's cage, and latched itself onto Snake's head. It wrapped it's long tail around Snake's neck, and grabbed at his face.
"AUGH! It's clawing my face off!" screamed Snake, stumbling around, trying to keep his balance. He fell into several shelves, knocking tapes and DVDs all over the carpeted floor.
Eventually, Snake was able to pry the monkey's grasp off of his face, and threw the monkey away from him. The monkey flew up, and landed on top of a neon-lit Nintendo logo hanging above the gaming section, but not before scratching Snake's face on both cheeks.
Snake felt the side of his face, and looked at his hand. His glove became dark with traces of his blood.
"That hurt, you monkey bastard!" he yelled at it.
The monkey appeared to laugh at Snake, and stuck it's tongue out at him.
Snake grumbled, "Think you're clever, huh?"
The monkey responded by leaping from the neon sign at Snake. Snake swiftly dodged the monkey, who landed on the floor. It turned around quickly, but Snake had already ducked behind a shelf of movies, and ran towards the checkout counter.
The monkey lept up onto the shelf, and spotted Snake. It lept at him again, but Snake dodged right, and the monkey landed head-first into a cardboard display stand.
"Hah!" Snake laughed at it.
The monkey clawed it's way out of the cardboard mess, and snarled at Snake, baring it's teeth. The monkey lept at Snake again, but Snake dodged again, sending the monkey into a snack stand, tearing open several bags of chips.
Snake was now standing near the new release shelf, close to the front entrance and checkout counter. The monkey emerged from the bags of chips, and looked around for Snake.
"Over here," said Snake, "Try it. I dare ya'"
The monkey crouched, and lept at Snake again. Snake moved out of the way, and the monkey flew past him...
... and suddenly stopped short, when it hit it's head on the front window of the store. It fell to the floor, knocked flat-out cold.
"HAHA!" Snake laughed out loud, "I got you good, you fucker!"
"Snake? What the hell's going on in there?" asked Sephiroth, after hearing the whole ordeal on the other side of the transmission.
"I just knocked a monkey the fuck out, that's what happened," replied Snake, brushing some hair out of his face, "Serves it right."
"Did you put the tapes back yet?" Sephiroth asked.
"Ah, I nearly forgot." said Snake.
Then, with tapes in hand, Snake began his triumphant stride to the checkout counter. He stopped in front of the return slots, and took the two tapes out of the plastic bag.
Snake paused to glance at the two movies, "You know, these movies were NOT worth the trouble we went through for them."
"Just put them in and get the hell out of there!" yelled Sephiroth.
Snake nodded to himself, and slid the first tape in, then the second tape. He breathed deeply, and then released a sigh of relief.
"Thank GOD that's over," Snake said, turning back towards the employee bathroom. As he walked past the front window, however, he spotted the monkey, still knocked out.
A feeling of guilt rushed over him, and he frowned.
"Ah hell," he said, picking the monkey up from off the floor. It was unconscious, but still breathing, "Poor little guy. He was only doing his job."
Snake took the monkey over his shoulders, and turned towards the bathroom.
"FREEZE, MOTHERFUCKER!" yelled a voice from behind him.
Snake turned around, and raised his hands. In front of him was two officers; one of them was a tall and thin white man, sporting a moustache and small rimmed sunglasses. The other was a short, black-furred hedgehog, wearing large sunglasses. Both of them were wearing standard Big City Police Department uniforms - a black shirt, black pants (the hedgehog, however, wasn't wearing pants), and black boots. Both were also wearing black police jackets, and hats embroidered with the BCPD logo.
"Caught you in the act," said the hedgehog, pointing his handgun at Snake, "We were scouting the neighbourhood when we saw your mullet-ass wrestling that chimp in a Blockbuster Video after closing hours."
"Um," started Snake, "How'd you guys get in here when the doors were locked?"
The hedgehog held up a small key, that had many rows of teeth, "None other than the police master key."
"Isn't it about time you gave that back to the chief, Shorty?" said the tall, human cop.
"Isn't it about time you SHUT THE FUCK UP?" yelled the hedgehog, "And call me Shaft, you moron."
The tall cop turned to Snake, "Forgive my cohort here; he's new on the force, and midnight shift makes him irritable."
"I'm not new!" replied Shaft, "I've been on the force for three months! I'm an established officer of the BCPD!"
"Mmhmm," the other officer said, before turning to Snake again, "Anyway, I'm officer Richard Dick."
"Snake." Snake replied, offering his hand to shake.
Officer Dick complied, "Snake, unless you can give me a plausable reason for breaking and entering into a Blockbuster Video in the middle of the night dressed like THAT, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to arrest you."
Snake pointed towards the checkout counter, "I was returning some tapes so that I don't get late fees."
Officer Dick stared at him, "... Why? Why not use the night return slot?"
"Night return slot!" Snake asked.
"Yeah, over there." Dick said, pointing to a metal slot to the right of the front entrance, and a bin full of returned movies in front of it.
Snake stared at it for a moment, "Well I'll be damned; there's a NIGHT RETURN SLOT!" he yelled into the headset microphone, "I guess SOMEBODY failed to notice it!"
"Who're you talking to?" asked Dick.
"Um, myself," replied Snake, "Damn me, and such."
"Well," started Dick, "Due to the hilarity of the situation, and because I can't be bothered, I suppose I'll let you go. Just don't do this again."
"NO!" yelled Shaft, "This fucker can't get away! I haven't gotten a single arrest in my time here! I'm NOT allowing you to ruin this for me!"
"Nah," said Dick, "I think it's better to let him off with a warning." said Dick.
"Oh, you suck balls," said Shaft, pointing his gun at Snake again, "Get on the ground, scum."
Snake simply nodded his head towards the front entrance. Shaft turned around, just in time for a bare foot to connect with his face. His sunglasses were cracked, and he was knocked to the floor. The assailant was Dan.
"Door was unlocked." Dan said, shrugging his shoulders, "Thought I'd come to see if I could be of help."
"Thanks Dan. I owe you." said Snake.
Officer Dick then tucked away his gun, "Well then, I'll be on my way," he said, "Just remember to not do this again."
"Gotcha." said Snake.
Dick then turned, walked out the door, and down the street. Snake and Dan walked out as well, the monkey resting atop Snake's shoulders.
"Don't you walk away from me..." groaned Shaft, on the floor, "I'll kick your sorry ass, you cunt... that was a... lucky shot..."
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"So, the tapes are finally back where they belong." said Snake, flopping back against a tree, in the area behind Blockbuster Video.
"Just what the hell happened in there?" asked Vegeta.
"The bacon caught me as I was returning the tapes," said Snake. "Also, SOMEONE neglected to tell me about any night return slots..."
Everyone then turned to stare at Sephiroth.
"... hey, don't look at ME," Sephiroth said, "You're all as much to blame as I am."
"Yeah, but it's just so much easier to pin the blame on one person." replied Snake.
Sephiroth hung his head, "Whatever. It's done and over with. Let's go home now. Most of us have jobs to get to tomorrow."
After Sephiroth had said that, Hobo Dan frowned, then sighed.
"Well, I suppose I'll head back to the alleyway between Wal-Mart and McDonalds," Dan said, starting to walk away, "Nice knowing you guys."
Snake stared at Sephiroth, "Sephiroth, you insensitive bastard. Dan, come back."
Dan turned around, "Hmm?"
"I suppose I owe you for knocking out that jerk cop back there. I think I know what I can do for you."
Sephiroth spoke up, "Snake, you don't mean--"
Snake smirked, "Oh yes, I do."
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