After I managed to get to my own room, sitting in Harkon's throne was refreshing. I had picked what flowers Serana's pitiful plants had to offer and placed them around Harkon's urn. For the first time, I felt a little at ease. Telling Serana about my entanglement with her father would either prove to be rejuvenating or a disaster. I didn't know yet. So many nostalgic feelings of joy and agony mixed together as I thought about the good times and the bad. There was so much that Serana didn't know. If she did, she might not have thought her father was gone.
I knew that he wouldn't have killed her. If anything, Valerica would have been the one under the knife. She was also a daughter of Coldharbour, after all, and was very much disliked by Harkon and myself. Maybe, after getting the Elder Scroll, I should have brought Valerica's head on a pike as a gift to Harkon. Maybe that was what I needed to do before going and getting the bow to show I was still loyal. I shook my head. Such thoughts were useless now.
Serana entered the room. To my extreme displeasure, Valerica was right behind her. My stiffened form and glare was enough of a message. "Harkon was my husband and I feel entitled to know what you were to him. Serana suggested that you were more than just a tool for him, though she did not give specifics."
"I don't think you're entitled to anything, honestly," I retorted rather rudely. Before she could argue the point, I interrupted, "You weren't his wife for a long, long time. Sure, he still referred to you as such when I first met him, but your marriage with him was long dead before I ever showed up. Your title as wife was merely a technicality."
Her lips pursed. "From what I've seen, you wouldn't know much about a relationship between a man and woman."
"And where does this spring from?" I sneered.
"From how you treat Ronthil. I couldn't say you're following through on your end of the courtship."
My glare intensified as anger flushed over my features. "What Ronthil and I do is none of your business. If you must stick your nose where it's unwanted, then at least know that I warned him that the courtship would most likely be sour. All I promised was that I would give it a try, nothing more."
She shook her head. "Unbelievable."
"Mother, Iola, please," Serana interjected. "We came together to hear your story, Iola, can we please not bicker for once?"
Even though I was still incensed, I complied. Valerica reluctantly did so as well. This fight was far from over. In fact, I was sure it was just beginning. When Valerica learned how close Harkon and I had gotten, she would be bound to be burning with ire if her little show was anything to go by. No matter. If she crossed the line, I would take great pleasure cleaving her skull in two. She would have to act drastically, though. Serana probably would attack me or abandon the castle and neither would do. I needed her blood, after all, when my nightly outings spilled over into the morning.
"What brought you to the castle in the first place?" Valerica asked, though her civility was strained. "I know you returned Serana home, but what got you entangled in that situation at all?"
I sat there a few minutes to let my anger cool and to collect my thoughts. "The Dovah in me wanted to keep up the feeling of victory," I said simply, though neither really understood. I had never told Serana much about my life before I met her. She never really asked. "I worked for the Companions for some time and, as I worked, I wanted more and more challenging jobs. I wanted to delve into the most bandit-infested outposts there were and to exterminate the fiercest animals. When I found out I was Dovahkiin, the push for greater battles was even stronger.
"In addition, the people of Skyrim praised me more and more. I liked it maybe a little too much. To feel so needed and wanted and utterly revered was incredible. Songs were sung about me and even the Daedra pined for me. The bigger the endeavors I accomplished only intensified this and it gave me the utmost pleasure."
"The high I experienced after each dragon I slew always left me wanting for more. So, I pushed forward, mastering my Thu'um with the Greybeards and eventually faced Alduin for the first time. When I first shouted him out of the sky to lay upon the ground at my mercy, it awoke something in me. Something that desired so strongly for the victory you could only gain by bloodying your sword and the following death of your opponent. This thing was alive in me my whole life, but when I crippled Alduin with mere words from my tongue, I became a monster, I dare say.
"At the time, of course, I didn't realize it, but it fed such a strong thirst within me that I hunted Alduin down all the way to Sovngarde. With every dragon, Draugr, bandit, and whatever else happened to come onto my path that I slew, my thirst only grew. It was like drinking from the sea. The more I had, the more I wanted and the intensity of that want continued to grow.
"When Alduin was dead, or as dead as I could make him, my soul roared from within me to take even more. The power and victory of battle I was feeling had me so drunk. So, when I came back, I tore through the land looking for my next big battle. When I slew a group of vampires attacking the Riften Guard, I utterly tore them apart. The Dawnguard leader, whatever his name had been, was quick to recruit me. He unabashedly complemented me, saying that I had one hell of a talent for destroying vampires. Without a thought, I accepted his offer in a somewhat mad hope that I could slaughter hordes of vampires."
The pair of vampires seated before me were silent. Looking between the two a couple times, I thought I should just continue with my story. After all, I hadn't been requested to stop. "Do you still feel this way?" Serana asked rather timidly before I could continue.
I licked my lips and took a breath. "That part of me has calmed over time. Harkon was able to rein me in when I couldn't even do it myself. He taught me that savoring the wine in small, controlled tastes was more pleasurable than quaffing down the whole bottle at once. He taught me this when he taught me how to use our transforming ability. Though, my desire still for victory in battle would make Molag Bal proud."
They exchanged only what I could describe as worried glances between each other, but I mentally shrugged it off. There wasn't really much to worry about when it came this, I was sure. "When I first came through the doors of Castle Volkihar, I wasn't exactly impressed. The castle itself was in a state of disrepair and the main hall was a mess. If anything, I thought this was a hall of lazy vampires that couldn't even clean up after themselves, let alone accomplish anything else. But, when Harkon started speaking…" The memory of his strong, deep voice brought forth a wave of pleasure and goose bumps that I hadn't felt in years.
Valerica obviously wasn't thrilled about my reaction, but held her tongue. Serana looked like she was on the verge of being sick. I smiled. "My less than respectful thoughts melted into ones of entrancement. How he held himself as he purposely stepped forward and presented himself in greeting. I wasn't completely sold on the value of his gift of blood until he transformed. He said, 'behold my power,' and behold I did. What went through my mind was a surge of thoughts of all that I could conquer with a form like that." I supposed a dreamy look crossed my face.
"With all the power you already had, why did that form appeal to you?" Serana asked.
My smile was gentle and words low, and I said, "Because I could finally take to the skies like a Dovah should."
"Is that what initially drew you to him?" Serana asked. Valerica was silent as the grave, though I knew the cogs in her mind were turning.
"No," I said. "It was the fact that, for the first time in my life, a man looked upon me and recognized the power I had without the slightest hint of fear. I had finally come across someone who not only could meet my eye unwavering, but held an appreciation for what I was. That I held the choice of destroying or sparing a foe on a whim. Most find that intimidating. Your father held that same power, and he could appreciate it. Though I couldn't say that he was physically attracted to me, really, I could sense an attraction of sort from him. Maybe, initially, he thought of me as a potential pawn, but my strength made him want me nonetheless and this want later matured into one of a different nature," I looked Valerica right in the eyes. If she could torment me or otherwise nitpick at the things I did, then why couldn't I? Her eyes widened a bit for a split second before they squinted and her brows knitted angrily together.
"Are you saying you had a physical relationship with my husband?"
"I am saying that I pretty much replaced you entirely, though that's hardly fair. I was better to him than you ever were." With that, she stormed out of the room. Good riddance.
"That was uncalled for," Serana stated after her mother was well away.
"She wasn't invited to this little party to begin with. She also deserved it after how she butted into my affairs with Ronthil. I didn't ask for her rude commentary, so I gave her the same treatment in kind."
She pursed her lips. "She only said the truth."
That hurt, even though I didn't want to admit it just yet. "So did I." With that, she excused herself from my chambers.
The little bit of a history lesson left me riled. I wanted to bring Harkon back more than ever. Thinking about him made me miss him. He really was the only companion I ever had that didn't subconsciously flinch when I approached. He never turned me away for my battle lust, either; he even encouraged it. We even shared in it.
I had served the gods, the people of Skyrim, and everything else in between at great risk to myself for relatively very little reward. The most I really got after defeating Alduin was "Thank you, Dovahkiin." My brows came together. Did they even know my name? I had scars that would never fully heal after all that I had been through in order to save the world and no one could bother to learn what my name was? Dovahkiin this, Dovahkiin that. How hard was it to say Iola? Even now, I bet to myself that I could walk the streets of Solitude and no one would recognize me. I could tell everyone my name and they wouldn't be able to make the connection that it was the name of the Dovahkiin.
What I had wanted, more than anything, was praise and remembrance. Was that so much to ask? It was what fed me to keep going, to want to destroy the World Eater. It was what really attracted me to Harkon. Even now, even if he absolutely hated me, he would still be able to praise my prowess and would remember me despite the passage of time. For a short time, he was my prize for all the work I had done in life. I had never asked nor desired much. I had been given titles, leadership roles, and means of power that I had never asked for that were otherwise extremely valuable. If I asked the Gods, would they grant me my one wish? My wish for Harkon to rejoin me in life so that I might have the opportunity for a life partner that wouldn't fear me? Ronthil was nice, but he quaked in fear deep down. He might not recognize it, but I knew the signs after seeing it so much. The split-second widening of the eyes or nearly unnoticeable flinch was something I couldn't bear to have in a husband.
Would Mara, as compassionate as she is, help me gain my love? I sighed. For some reason, doubt was firmly settled in my stomach. For the rest of the evening, I contemplated any and all things, no matter how absurd, that I could do that just might allow Harkon to come home. Out of everything, I worried that I would have to ask Molag Bal himself. My hair stood on end as I thought of the possible things he might ask for in return for such a favor. Why couldn't I just let him go like everyone else?
