Blanco: Chapter 8 – Everybody Talks About Peace
Everybody talks about peace,
nobody talks about justice.
For one it's heaven for the other it's hell,
how many fingers are pulling the trigger?
It has been two weeks since Gokudera and Yamamoto were brought to the Vongola base. Two weeks since Dino and the Varia made the joint effort to get them out of the enemy's base. Two long weeks they spent recovering from the injuries they suffered during their imprisonment by the Millefiore.
The guardians' wounds were tightly bandaged and already healing without any complications thanks to the antibiotics they were given daily. The doctors pointed that there would be scars left, but both Gokudera and Yamamoto didn't take it as bad as the staff thought they would. The simple explanation was that both had been sure that this would be the outcome since the very moments those wounds have been inflicted on their bodies. Some of Yamamoto's wounds needed to be sewn, but these ones as well were in the process of healing.
The surgery Yamamoto had to take took place two days after their arrival and the results have been positive. The surgery went as planned and was successful in making the slight disfigurement disappear. Now that the two fingers were fixed, they could be allowed to heal, properly this time, just like the other two had. All he had to do was wait until his fingers were healed completely and he could use his hand again without risking any damage to the fragile limb.
It hurt Shamal as a doctor and a person to look at the two young Vongolas and see the changes that those two have gone through. Mostly because other than heal their wounds there was no one he could refer them to until the fighting would stop. The base was locked, no one coming in and no one going out. Dino and his men, together with the Varia and several allies have been residing this base for the last two weeks but none of them had any of the qualification needed to help the boys recover entirely.
While Shamal was aware of most changes and difficulties the boys were going through, other people noticed one thing that was obvious enough. Ever since the day the two were brought back to base, they hadn't left each other's side. They would go almost everywhere together and separating them for their treatments and check-ups was a real struggle. The care those two boys were showing each other was extraordinary and left anyone who knew who those two were in complete shock. Shamal was the one who got the first shock when he went through the door to wake them up in the first morning after the rescue and saw them sleeping in each other's arms. The shock was short lived and empathy took it's place once the two explained that they had gotten used to sharing the bed since there was only one bed in the cell they were locked in and the both of them had to use all the time they could to sleep and recover.
Shamal had known Gokudera for a long time and immediately noticed the change in the boy's behavior but wasn't too shocked by it. Some sort of change should always be expected in cases like this. Actually, the change was only as drastic when he was near the taller boy. The Italian wouldn't raise his voice and would always project calm and confidence in the other's presence. When the other one wasn't there though, he would yell at the nurses and wouldn't allow anyone other than Shamal to get closer to him.
Although he didn't know Yamamoto as personally as he knew Gokudera, Shamal knew from what he saw of the boy in previous times they met that he always used to smile. Always had this carefree attitude no matter how bad the situation was and always made everyone's mood better. This Yamamoto on the other hand, was in an entirely different state. He would still smile, but only when Gokudera was by his side. He was closed and didn't allow anyone to know what happened to him other than those who already know, namely the storm guardian and himself. Due to no evidence on his skin and him not allowing anyone other than Shamal to check him up and treat him, no one of the staff even had the chance to know. No one of the staff knew how to make him open up or if they should even try and even Gokudera wasn't an option because he didn't really tell much about their time inside the cell so he would not to break Yamamoto's trust in him.
He really was wishing that there was something he could do to help the two boys return to the way they were before, but there wasn't. He just had to wait patiently and see if they could get through this by themselves.
Gokudera Hayato was partially proud of himself. He managed to make it to two weeks of freedom without feeling the need to smoke a cigarette even once. Why was he only partially proud, you ask? Probably because the only cause that made him quit smoking in the first place was that he was locked up involuntarily in a cell with no cigarettes at all. But it still counts, right? After all, he hadn't smoked even once since he got out.
He had a discussion with Yamamoto about the subject earlier this week. When the other boy asked him if he started smoking again the storm guardian was surprised and told him that he just didn't feel the need for it anymore. Even a few days later, when he remembers the conversation, the Italian could feel the pride welling in his chest. This was the first time since they arrived in this base that he made the rain guardian truly smile.
Gokudera didn't know how the others saw it, but from his point of view the tall boy was acting perfectly well and therefore succeeding in confusing everyone else over and over. He acted as if nothing had happened and that, more than anything worried the caring storm guardian. No one could go through something like that without having some kind of breakdown but Yamamoto was showing no signs of it yet.
He was afraid that the pressure would just pile up the more time passes and then break out in one moment when they least expect it.
Today though, Gokudera was extra nervous. Today there will be some unexpected yet welcome changes done to their usually normal daily routine they had been following ever since they were rescued. And although this particular change was a good one, this may also cause the rain guardian to feel even more on edge. Today they will finally be faced with the normality that they have been waiting for for over a month. Today the rest of the Vongola's tenth generation were arriving back at base.
Right these moments their friends and, as they learned long ago, family, were making their way back after defeating the Millefiore's main force, Byakuran and the six funeral wreaths. The two recovering guardians didn't get all the information about the battle nor did they care much as long as everyone were safe and healthy, and they were. The enemies were caught and put under watch of the Vendiche prison and now everyone were able to return to base as it was surrounded by nothing but peace.
Gokudera had his doubts, that everything was going to be alright but he still allowed himself to hope that seeing the rest of the family would help cheer Yamamoto more than his regular and unsuccessful attempts that not only didn't cheer him up, but also brought his mood down even more than before because he could see how hard Gokudera was trying.
That evening, Gokudera and Yamamoto made their way from the infirmary after a swift chat with Shamal. The walk was accompanied by a nervous silence that was caused not by anything that happened between the boys, but because of what awaits them when they meet the others. They finally came across the door leading to the dining room and immediately felt the tension rising as they heard the noise that came from inside. The family was celebrating.
Earlier that day, they were told by Basil that the others haven't been told that the two of them were brought here, they didn't know they were safe. It was a difficult decision to make, but during the fight it was difficult to communicate between the base and the field without having the enemy listen to the reports.
The both of them were now standing right in front of the entrance to the dining room, the door was closed, waiting for them to open it. The sounds coming from the inside seemed to weaken as the two guardians shared a look that showed the other without words what they were feeling right now. The nervousness and fear of being left behind. The need for acceptance and the difficulty of taking this one last step. All these emotions and thoughts were evident on both their faces, together with the mirrored concern and care they felt for each other.
Deciding to take the initiative, Gokudera took Yamamoto's hand, the one without the bandages, in his and entwined their fingers together with a look that projected all the protectiveness and concern he felt for his friend at the moment. And with the support he needed to keep moving, Yamamoto lifted his bandaged hand slowly and carefully to the door's handle and pushed it open without much effort. Simultaneously, they took a deep breath and looked up at the people they have been waiting to see for what seemed to be more time than they could possibly take.
The silence that fell on the room the moment they stepped through the door made the Japanese boy to almost want to go back on his steps and return to the infirmary. The only thing that kept him where he was was Gokudera's hand that held his firmly. He unconsciously gave it a soft squeeze as if verifying that it was still holding his and almost as if Gokudera understood Yamamoto's need for reassurance, he gave a short but firm squeeze of his own to show the support the other needed to receive right now.
Gokudera could almost guess all the insecurities that were going through the other's head right now. The feeling that they have been forgotten and cast aside as the others took part of the active fighting. The fear that they won't accept their changes, that they won't understand their difficulties. Those were his insecurities as well. Yamamoto's individual ones were probably about the way he might react to the others. If his reaction was different than what they were used to from him and then they would be able to see through his already fractured mask.
A minute later there was a rush of people coming to greet them warmly and passionately. For a moment they lost all their insecurities and worries, all the concern and the shared pain. All they could feel was the warm feeling that they were at least not forgotten, at least they were still welcome.
Tsuna was the first to get to them,"Gokudera! Yamamoto! You guys are alright!" he exclaimed enthusiastically as he ran up to them. "Dino and Xanxus made it!"
Not even a moment passed and also Ryohei, Haru and Kyoko joined Tsuna in greeting the two bewildered guardians who, for some reason, couldn't manage to open their mouths and greet them back. The majority of people in the room was of people they couldn't recognize, not even from the last two weeks at the base. These were probably the allies that took the option of staying in this base.
Reborn, who was sitting on the young mafia boss' shoulder, examined the two boys carefully and asked quietly, "When were you brought back?" by this time, most of the room's occupants had stopped eating their meal to listen, the only exceptions being Lambo and I-Pin who were too busy throwing and evading their food to listen. "And how?"
The rain guardian, feeling a bit more encouraged and confident in himself by the warm display of affection, answered, "We have been staying here ever since Dino and the Varia helped us escape the Millefiore base." he looked directly at Reborn, the one who asked the question. "It's been two weeks since then."
For a moment, just a moment, the tall boy could swear he managed to see something akin to grief in the baby's eyes, but it wouldn't make sense. This was reborn after all.
"That makes it three and a half weeks then, right?" the arcobaleno asked. He didn't feel the need to explain the question.
This precise question made Yamamoto's mind halt for a brief moment and therefore, the other guardian answered it after sending a concerned glance at the other boy. He probably realized just now for how long they have really been secluded and imprisoned. Gokudera himself only realized it during their talk about his smoking when he took the time to understand just how long he had gone without a cigarette.
"Yes, that's right." he said seriously, his expression completely blank.
Reborn sighted gravely. It seemed like he had more questions, but thankfully he didn't ask them and just said, "I'm glad you guys are alright." he looked between Gokudera and Yamamoto. "The family needs all it's guardians to be complete because they are it's heart and soul."
With Reborn's concluding sentence, everyone seemed to snap out of their personal thoughts about the matter and soon enough the two boys in the spotlight found themselves sitting next to each other on the long table with dinner laid in front of them. Tsuna sat next to Gokudera and Ryohei sat next to Yamamoto, Kyoko next to Ryohei and Haru by her other side. In front of them sat Hibari with Hibird on his shoulder as he fed it ever so often and Bianchi next to him. Further to the side were Chrome and Mukuro with the two empty seats of I-Pin and Lambo.
The rain guardian didn't think he could actually eat with this many people watching him, so he settled on a small piece of bread until he could eat something more later on. He picked the bread with his injured arm, though unintentionally it was still possible when he had only two fingers disabled while the rest worked properly.
Ryohei caught the bandaged hand that reminded him a bit of his own and without thinking much ahead, asked loudly. "Why is your hand bandaged?"
The moment he heard the question, Gokudera sent a glare directly at Ryohei, who was completely oblivious. The room became quiet once again, but the storm guardian focused on his friend's reaction. Thankfully, Yamamoto managed to not make everyone worry by giving him a not very informative answer.
"Accidentally broke four of my fingers." he said slowly as he presented his hand in front of Ryohei so he could take a closer look, "But they are mostly healed, see?"
The sun guardian looked as the black haired boy moved two of his fingers without any apparent effort. The issue was abandoned as the rain guardian proved he was indeed fine. There were some skeptic looks sent his way though, Reborn's being the most certain.
Everyone went back to eating their dinner and Gokudera actually started to relax as he surveyed the room. Other than the tactless Ryohei, there shouldn't be anyone stupid enough to point possible torture injuries. Ones such as Yamamoto's cut. He soon found out that he shouldn't have taken his guard down as Lambo, of all people, opened his mouth in the most thoughtless statement one could have told them at the moment.
"What are you doing here? Octopus head! This is a celebration." the young cow jumped up and down on the table, drawing everyone's attention. "People like you who didn't fight shouldn't be celebrating! Go to your room."
The effect took place almost instantly. The small smile Yamamoto had on his face had been wiped off it as if it was never there. Gokudera ignored his own pain which was caused by the hurtful words in favor of looking at his partner's reaction the second time since they sat down. He managed to look just in time to see the rare, true smile leave the rain guardian's face and he wanted to cry.
'Lambo wasn't told where they were during the time the fight took place', he kept repeating to himself. Children are the cruelest beings. Gokudera quoted in his mind as he wondered why he wasn't as mad as he should be at the younger guardian. Hurt and disappointed, yes. But not really mad.
Perhaps this experience had changed him more than he thought it had, he knew for a fact that it had, he just didn't know how much. After a short thought he came to the conclusion that taking things in proportions was much easier now than ever before. What was a little boy's comment against the sight of Yamamoto's broken body lying on the floor?
A weak squeeze from Yamamoto's hand that was still held tightly in his brought his attention back to the taller boy. He had an emotionless, blank look on his face when Gokudera looked at him. His face was looking at the direction where Lambo was just moments ago, before I-Pin kicked him off the table while saying he should treat older people with more respect. The storm guardian understood the moment he looked at the tall one and got even closer than he was so he could whisper at the other's ear without anyone other than him hearing.
"He is just a kid." he encouraged, "He wasn't told anything about what the situation was, and still is, so I wouldn't take his words seriously."
The other looked at him and nodded in uncertainty, the color returning slowly to his face. If even Gokudera wasn't affected than he was probably worried by nothing. The rest of the family didn't think that way. Or so he hoped.
Hibari Kyoya himself, irritated by the lack of sleep and being in a crowded room with so many people he dislikes, looked directly at Yamamoto and said with as much coldness as he could manage, "The cow is right." he smirked in satisfaction at the surprise on the other boy's face. "Stop crowding, useless people should go away."
Before the overwhelmed tall boy could even begin to process what was said to him, another comment made it's way to his ear.
"Don't be this way, Kyoya." Yamamoto looked at the speaker and was surprised to find that it was Mukuro that said it. "It's not their fault that they are useless."
Hibari didn't say a word to that as he made to leave the dining room. He was done with all these people. It was bad enough that they asked him to stay here with all of them, he didn't need to spend his time around them as well. As he passes next to Yamamoto and Gokudera his eyes narrow when he catches a glimpse of the joined hands under the table. He continued walking as if he didn't notice and left the room. From now on, he would ask the food to be brought to him so he wouldn't have to waste any more time on noisy people.
Mukuro tried to keep taunting the two boys but stopped after Chrome told him to continue eating. She whispered something to him and he shut up without another look or word.
Gokudera was immensely furious. By the time Hibari left, he was already prepared to lung at him and tear his throat out so he wouldn't say anything like this to anyone again. He controlled himself, though, even through Mukuro's irritating remarks, because he didn't want to leave Yamamoto's side. He knew the other boy wouldn't let it pass even if this was Hibari's and Mukuro's regular behavior.
No, this time the rain guardian took it much deeper than the previous one. If Lambo could be forgiven only because he was a child that wasn't told anything, then Hibari and Mukuro's words couldn't just go away. They didn't have that excuse, they knew perfectly well where the two of them had been and exactly why they couldn't help in the fight.
He immediately turned pale and lowered his face gaze to the table, looking at nothing particular in his empty plate. These people were aware of the situation. Well most of it, but still, there was no way to justify the way they acted. The seconds passed slowly and when he couldn't take it anymore, he softly pulled Gokudera's sleeve with his bandaged hand and whispered about needing to get away.
Gokudera lifted his head a bit so that his eyes could meet Yamamoto's and he could see the distress that filled them, if the lack of color on his face wasn't enough indication of his troubled mind. He could literally feel the boy's mask crumbling and used his unoccupied hand to wipe a tear before anyone was even aware of it. Even the rain guardian himself. The action was left unnoticed as the rest of the room's occupants were too focused on the meal than at them, for them, it was a regular incident they have grown used to. The storm guardian could find no better time than this to take the other boy to a more secluded place where they can talk freely than that moment.
The only one to notice was Reborn, whose secretive smirk left one to wonder just how much of anything he truly knows.
Sometimes life brings me to my knees,
there is no guard at the gate, no sign from above.
I see people who live, dreams and hopes,
people who live, only quarrels and conspiracies.
Some ask questions and there are no answers,
some are full of only complaints and demands, but...
Everybody talks about peace,
nobody talks about justice.
For one it's heaven for the other it's hell,
how many fingers are pulling the trigger?
The two guardians went straight to the infirmary that had become their permanent room by the doctor's request, they had no objections. Gokudera had the foreboding feeling that the expected explosion is going to take place any moment now. Yamamoto paced around the room, nervously biting his nails for few minutes that passed since they arrived. All the while the tall boy said nothing.
"Takeshi." the Italian called, they had to deal with it now, no use in delaying the inevitable. "Tell me what's wrong, are you angry?"
The swordsman finally stopped pacing and looked at the storm guardian. His eyes were filled with so much suppressed emotion that the other boy wondered just how he could have managed to restrain himself from breaking down on their way back from the dining room.
"No, I'm not angry." he said. His voice breaking ever so slightly, making it known just how upset he was. "I'm frustrated. Because, the others are so happy that the war ended, that there is no more Millefiore."
Gokudera stood silently as he heard the words pouring out of the other boy's mouth. "That we didn't even get to fight our fight, we deserve this win just as much, if not more, than anybody else." those words were the epitome of truth. "True, Tsuna from the future died, and the rest of them, us as well, lost so many people. But we deserve this justice! We goddamn deserve it!"
As soon as Yamamoto stopped shouting, all anger left him, just sadness filled his next words.
"It hurts that people like Hibari seem to forget that we deserve this victory as well." he looked down at the floor, every word came out soaked with sorrow as tears slid freely down his face. "We need it to exist, to live on. So many people died fighting, but us? We got hurt, irreversibly, like damn caged animals for our keeper's entertainment! He didn't even need information from me! And they don't care that I was... I was... I'm not a..."
Gokudera caught the other's shaking body just as he slid to the floor and went down with him. He held his friend tightly as he cried for the first time in two weeks about the true anguish that filled his heart. The pianist could almost complete the sentence for the other boy. 'I'm not a virgin anymore'. He kept his hold on the crying boy, thankful for the lack of struggling and even more, feeling the other one moving slightly to fit himself to the embrace, taking comfort in the sympathetic warmth.
"I know." Gokudera whispered comfortingly, "I know and I understand you."
Yamamoto knew that he truly did, he wasn't just saying it.
"It's not wrong to think this way, you are right, and the others just don't understand it." the storm guardian was almost crying himself at this point, seeing the other one breaking down like this.
While looking from the outside, everyone would have thought that the strong one of the two of them was Gokudera. Mostly because of his normally explosive nature and unrelenting, prideful personality. But between the two of them, Gokudera had acknowledged Yamamoto's strength and knew the other boy was capable of taking much more than he himself believed he could.
And now, seeing the strong Yamamoto, the one that always put the perfect act to the outside world. That made all of them see him not as the person he truly was inside, but the person he wanted to be, and tried his best to become. Seeing him like this broke his heart and he cursed everyone for even planting the doubt in Yamamoto's heart that his sacrifice was not important enough. Because it was, more than they would ever know.
"But," Yamamoto started, his body shaking with suppressed sobs as he tried to voice the rest of the sentence.
"No buts." Gokudera said strongly, he would not compromise in this particular topic. "They should have known better than to insult someone that had just been brought back from captivity."
He looked at the other boy's tearful black eyes and with firm words expressed his only opinion on the matter. "I have said this once and I will say it again." the other's expression became attentive as he said those words. Finally, he was listening.
"You are not wrong," he said, "I feel the same way." he repeated.
The tall boy could not argue with that statement anymore, he could just accept it, "I'm so glad I have you." he said with all the sincerity he had. "You are the only one who understands, I never had someone like you before,"
The Italian chose not to think about those words too deeply at the moment and affirmed them instead, "That's right, I'm here, and you could trust me. I would never let you feel alone again like you felt in the past, I could never leave you after you put so much trust in me."
At the moment, the only thing he cared for was not about embarrassing himself or worrying too much to show his soft side, this was, after all, Yamamoto he was talking to, not just anyone. Yamamoto who had seen him at his worst. Yamamoto who helped take care of him during their time in the cell. The only one of his friends who could ever understand just how uncertain, not safe he felt during those times. No, he didn't care, what he cared about right now was calming the other one down as fast as possible. He didn't want to see him to go through another moment of heartache like this one.
"I trust you, and I care about you. I learned to care about you and you are important to me. You have no idea how much it hurts me to see you like this I want you to know that I would do anything for you. I will stay with you for as long as you wish me to." he said this with a small voice in his head that told him this was probably the most honest moment in his entire life,
"Thank you, Hayato." Yamamoto said between sobs. "It means a lot to me."
"Other than Shamal and myself, no one knows what really happened. Right?" the storm guardian concluded. "They have no idea, so it's partially our fault that they react this way because we did try to mislead them about the real details of our imprisonment."
Gokudera could see the question in the other's eyes and explained, "You see, this isn't really their fault, but I would have trusted even Hibari to think about his words twice before he speaks them." he said thoughtfully, "Always so controlled. But it seems that when it comes to it, he can't find it in himself to know not to speak not in the right place."
Yamamoto could just nod weakly in approval and allow Gokudera to pick him up from the floor and lay him carefully on the soft bed. Without asking, the silver haired guardian positioned himself on the bed, right beside the other boy, and the other in return snuggled closer to his warm and accepting body.
What went unnoticed by the two embracing friends, was that outside the infirmary door stood a very remorseful and regretful Hibari, one that for once in his life had said the very wrong thing during the worst time there was. He, too, understood what Yamamoto's sacrifice had been, even though he didn't have nearly as much details and information about it as Gokudera seemed to have. But what he picked from the conversation was enough to make things more than clear.
For once in his life he knew he had done something truly wrong that even he could not justify doing, 'just pure cruelty' he thought. Really, he could expect this from Mukuro, but not from himself.
Feeling more disappointment in himself the more sobs he heard, he started walking towards the room he was given to stay in during his time in the base, to get himself back together. He had to think what to do about this, he couldn't just leave it like this. Even he wouldn't be that heartless and insensitive.
The Millefiore was gone, everything should be just fine. But...
Everybody has the same dream,
on top of a mountain, down the valley.
Keep talking, talk about peace,
but peace will not reside without justice.
Chapter 8 – Done! I love this song so much, it has so much meaning.
I would have gotten the chapter up yesterday but my computer is dying and I have to switch continuously between my father's laptop and my computer. After I finished most of the chapter and saved it my computer shut down completely and I found out that everything I wrote was gone. The worst thing though was that it seems the file had been destroyed completely and when I saved the finished chapter the second time it didn't save it at all :[ So basically I had to write the chapter three times... On the one hand, it took longer. On the other hand, it's an improved version that has more than I planned on having (Think about it as the ultimate proof-reading. Like, proof-writing or something.)
Well, never mind. What's important right now is that the chapter is up now :] Thanks for reviewing by the way.
Happy Purim!
