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Rachel was quite relieved when she opened the door to find Belle standing there. She hadn't been able to stop thinking about her since the previous day. After the pregnancy, and being a patient herself, she was starting to think of everything medical as real life now, not as work. The break from working had put things into perspective a lot more, and although in the past she'd already dealt with several patients who she personally knew, it was different when she had time to actually think about it- time to think about the huge effect the news that doctors give has on people's lives. Normally, she didn't have enough time to think about what was going to happen to the patient and their family after they left the hospital- there was always a waiting room full of other patients to see.
On the other hand, things were dragging out in slow motion at the moment. She was struggling to comprehend the fact that there was no cure for Belle's illness. She didn't really have any hope.
Belle looked pale and tired. Rachel could see that she was trying so hard to put on a brave face, to pretend that everything was fine, when really, she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She was a strong girl, undoubtedly, but there are some things in life that even the toughest of people can't get through alone.
She pulled Belle into a hug. Her face was too painful to watch- her eyes kept welling up and she was evidently battling with herself in an attempt to conceal her emotion. Despite being strong, there was something fragile and vulnerable about her that made it even harder for Rachel to watch her suffer. They didn't say anything. Rachel was trying to get her to relax first, and when Belle felt a little less tense, Rachel got her a glass of water and led her to a chair.
"How did Aden take the news?" Rachel asked, concerned.
"He- he freaked out", she replied, her voice weak and shaky, "He got really angry with me and just sort of.. lost it. I didn't know what to do, so I came here. I'm so sorry for disturbing you like this..".
"Belle, you don't need to apologise", Rachel assured her, "I'm glad you came. I was getting really worried about you".
She initially avoided the first part of Belle's answer because she didn't know what to say. Yes, it would have been a horrible shock for him, but that doesn't make it fair for him to get angry at her. It wasn't her fault in any way. She needs support, not guilt, not anger. It was clearly stressing her out too, which really wasn't going to help her health.
"He's probably just shocked", she said after a few seconds, "Cancer is one of those things that people just can't understand. You need to know that he's not angry with you. Aden loves you, Belle. You mean the world to him, and I'm sure of that. He's angry, but not with you. He'll calm down soon".
"I didn't tell him about the cancer", Belle confessed.
She looked up at Rachel's confused expression and immediately looked away, embarrassed.
"I- I couldn't. I don't want him to worry. I don't want him to know that I'm dying", she continued.
Although Rachel was surprised, she could completely understand where Belle was coming from as she explained the rest. Facing other people, seeing their reactions, hurting them; it was all even worse than the physical pain she would have to endure. Unfortunately, as Belle had just founf out, lying nearly always backfires.
"You need to tell them the truth", Rachel said gently, but with a sort of professional authority that Belle couldn't ignore.
Rachel watched as a mixture of emotions ran across her friend's face. Fear. Worry. Confusion. Anxiety. Sadness.
She placed her hand on Belle's, trying to do her best to comfort her."If it would make it any easier on you, I can come with you", she said, "I can help you tell them. I understand that you don't want people to know, but you do need to tell Aden, as well as Irene. And I can't tell you what to do, Belle, but I think Geoff and Annie should know too."
She nodded in acceptance. Although it was probably the last thing in the world that she wanted to do, after the way the afternoon had turned out, she knew that it was practically unavoidable.
"Thank you so much, Rachel. For everything. I know you don't need this right now", Belle said, quietly but honestly.
As if on cue, the baby started crying, and Rachel picked him up from the cot and cradled him in her arms for a moment until he was content and silent once again. Belle was watching sadly. Seeing the baby brought her a strange confusion as she struggled to understand life and death. How could something so beautiful and innocent be brought into a world so cruel? Why did life have to end so quickly? There was something overwhelming about the simplicity and purity of the child that filled her with fear of leaving this world and everyone in it behind. Her mind was bombarded with the realisation that she was never going to have children of her own. Her whole future, everything she'd ever planned or hoped for, it was readily becoming non-existant.
Rachel noticed Belle, watching the baby in a sort of trance. She hesitated for a moment, before placing her son in Belle's arms. Almost immediately, tears started rolling down Belle's cheeks. She'd been holding them in for so long, but couldn't stop it anymore. She rocked the baby gently, feeling overwhelmed and powerless, almost fascinated by the beauty of life. It scared her. The baby's skin was soft and warm. His eyes showed nothing but love and contentedness. He knew nothing of the world around him, and Belle was glad. She didn't want to stop holding him. She didn't want to think about how this was probably the last time she was ever going to hold a child.
Rachel found it heartbreaking to watch the confusion and raw fear in Belle's eyes. She couldn't bear to imagine what she was thinking, how hard this must be for her. She felt a lump in her throat and forced herself to look away before she made Belle even more upset than she already was.
"You're not going to be alone, Belle", she said, on the verge of tears, staring at the ground.
Belle nodded silently, still in a state of transfixion with the baby. She still felt alone, and couldn't really imagine that changing.
