"Guys, look, a town!" Henry exclaimed as the boat took them towards a scene where people stood around a well, dunking an unfortunate man inside its watery depths.
"SOMEONE HELP THAT MAN!" Snow screamed. "HE'S BEING HURT!"
"It's a robot, you guys!" Emma yelled. "Why doesn't anyone get it?"
"They look really real," Henry pointed out.
"That's true, Walt Disney actually almost went bankrupt making this ride," Emma admitted.
"Stop it, Emma, stop being the know-it-all!" Cora cried. "It's so annoying! I'm sorry, but you have driven me to this point." She tossed the woman with a blast of magic into the well and sat back down.
"Wow, it's so much more quiet in here when she isn't around," Gold finally said, examining a scene where pirates ruthlessly chased a woman around in her house.
"Rotating plates," Emma sputtered from the well. She dipped back in and then out again. "Figures are loaded onto the rotating plates." More sputtering. "And then they present the image of a chase scene."
Henry smacked his hand against his forehead.
"Nana, what's a wench?" Henry asked as they approached the Auction piece, a large banner reading "Take a wench for a bride".
"Queen Eva was a wench," Cora said with a smile.
"So are you," Gold shot back.
"Guys, stop flirting here," Emma said, wringing water out of her hair.
"How did you get back in the boat?" Hook mumbled, dismayed at the fact that she was now getting water all over the place.
"Regina let me in."
"Ooooooh," chorused a bunch of SwanQueeners.
The boat took them under a bridge to another chaotic scene. Emma was too busy wringing water out of her hair to give them an explanation of the scene.
"Look, it's Captain Jack Sparrow!" Henry whispered to Cora, pointing towards an animatronic pirate sitting in a barrel. Another animatronic dog barked at him. Jack sunk back down into the barrel and out of sight.
"This ride is so long," Neal said from behind his iPhone. "So long, I bet it would take two whole chapters in a book if we were to write it all down."
"Yeah," Emma cautiously agreed.
"The tables have turned, Hook," Regina said, motioning towards a woman with a broom chasing two pirates around in a set. Hook visibly paled and Emma smirked.
"How barbaric," Belle mumbled.
"I agree," Gold said. "And I'm the Dark One. Pirates are pretty bad."
"IT'S ON FIRE!" Henry screamed as they reached a scene where buildings were burning. A blast of heat hit the group in the face.
"It's actually real flamethrowers?" Emma wondered, her eyes widening. "That was not what I researched."
"At least it's warmer in here," Hook mumbled.
"Are we gonna tell her that we actually magicked that heat?" Regina asked her mother.
"Don't, I think they deserve to believe in magic. Or flamethrowers."
"Look," Henry whispered, pointing towards a few pirates locked up in a cell they were approaching. One held a bone and the others were cooing things like "good boy" and "want the bone" and other such phrases to a dog that held he keys in his mouth.
"That dog's been there for ages," Emma said. "I don't think they're gonna escape any time soon."
"Awe," Gold mumbled sarcastically. "What a shame." Hook stared at the fellow pirates.
"I WILL SAVE YOU, MATES! I GIVE YOU MY HONEST WORD!"
"Pirates have honest words?" Neal mumbled. Hook pondered this for a moment.
"Good point."
"NOOO! NOT AGAIN! WE'RE CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE!" Henry screamed again as two pirates fired shots at each other with their pistols. A blast of air struck the group.
"I didn't do that this time," Regina whispered to her mother, who shook her head.
"Me neither."
"Look, I think it's almost over," Neal whispered as he pointed up the climb they were about to make.
"You're right, what a shame, isn't it, mate?" Hook asked, disappointed.
"Did you seriously just call me 'mate'?" Neal yelled.
"Look, there!" Cora shouted, pointing towards a Captain Jack Sparrow animatronic on the side of the lift. He held a gold chalice in one hand, the other was lazily tossed onto the armrest on the chair he was sitting on. He sang softly to the tune of "a pirate's life for me".
The group was too dazed to speak for a moment, before Hook literally jumped out of the boat.
"CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW! OH MY GOD I AM YOUR BIGGEST F'IN FAN!"
"Jack Sparrow looks so real," Henry said, as if the fact that Hook was now smothering the animatronic with a hug was normal.
"What the FAQ kind of family is this?" Emma mumbled.
"Now what?" Neal finally asked.
"I don't think I like your attitude, mister," Emma mumbled. "Have you forgotten already, we're in Disneyland? No need to sound so pouty."
"I mean, what's next?"
"Still sound pouty." Emma sighed.
"We have to go to Haunted Mansion, and then we're gonna head back to the Grand Californian hotel," she said.
"PALACE!" Cora screamed.
"Yes, the Grand Californian Palace," Emma said, before pausing.
"Wait, where did Henry and Hook go?" Regina nervously looked around.
"Beats me, too many characters are in this, not everyone gets a chance to say something," Belle said with a smirk.
"Look over there!" Emma said, pointing towards a Pirates of the Caribbean gift shop.
"Oh, no," Regina mumbled.
"Damn right, 'oh no'," Cora growled. "What the hell does he think he's doing? NO TOUR SHOPS PERMITTED ON FAMILY VACATIONS, HOOK!" she screamed, charging towards the shop.
"I think I'm gonna just stay here," Gold mumbled. Belle clung to his arm, and Cora was there in a moment.
"You know what, I think I'm gonna stay here with you, too," she said, blushing like a little girl. Or an overexcited teen, whichever you prefer.
"Okaaay, then," Emma said, dragging Neal into the shop where Regina was trying to pry Henry off of a plastic gun.
"But I really, really, really want it!" he whined.
"Beats me," Emma mumbled. "Where the hell is Hook?"
"He's stealing the souvenirs," Henry said truthfully. Hook appeared with a movie prop crown on and a very large chalice in one hand.
"You know I love you, mate, but at this rate you'll never be a pirate. You need to learn how to tell a L-I-E."
"Superpower," Emma pointed out.
"Please, you couldn't lie to save your life, luv. Not to mention that your so-called 'superpower' is a fake. You can't tell when someone's lying even if you got a lie detector."
"I got about 15% of that," Neal said slowly.
"Stop talking about lying, you'll leave a bad influence on Henry!" Regina shouted. People were turning to look now.
"Says the Evil Queen," Emma said with a smirk.
"Yeah, Regina," Snow said, taking this as an opportunity to gang up and sass Regina. "Anything you can do, I can do better."
"You shouldn't be talking, Snow. Sooner or later, I'm greater than you." She paused. "Plus, I'm prettier than you."
"Uh, have you forgotten? I'm the fairest in the land!"
"Actually," Hook said, butting in. "Snow is the prettiest in the land. But Regina... she's damn hot."
"Damn right," Regina said, slapping Hook a messy five.
"Well... I'm prettier than you on the inside!" Snow shouted.
"Let's just go," Henry said.
"Yeah," David said, who was still trying to decide if Hook was really right about Snow and Regina after all.
"Great, then," Emma mumbled. The group walked outside where they found Cora and Belle arguing.
"Old hag!" Belle shouted.
"Who are you calling old?" Gold and Cora chorused. They both looked at each other.
"He's older than me!" Cora shouted. "So if you're calling me old I don't know what you're calling him!"
"Come on, you guys, let's just head on over to Haunted Mansion holiday and just call it even," Emma said.
"Fine with me," Henry muttered.
"What's that in your hand?" Regina asked, trying to grab Henry's fist.
"Nothing," he said in a singsong tone.
"Henry," Emma warned.
"Fine," Henry said, presenting a replica necklace from Curse of the Black Pearl. A little skull was in the middle and the rest of the circular object was marked with, er... markings.
"What the bloody FAQ?" Emma asked aloud.
"That, mate, is cursed Aztec gold," Hook said with a wink.
"You're insane, Hook," Emma mumbled, before heading off to the next ride.
