Chapter Nine
Kakashi dusted his hands off on his pants and moved closer to where the Yondaime was sitting. The wind had picked up, it was playing with the man's hair, making the spikes dance. Kakashi's hand itched with the longing to run his fingers through the golden strands.
He wouldn't though. His hands were dirty.
The Yondaime was staring into space, lost in thought. But he turned to look at Kakashi when he dropped down beside the man. A warm smile graced his lips as he held the water canteen out to Kakashi.
Kakashi took the canteen, but he couldn't quite bring himself to look back into the Yondaime's face. They had spent the last few hours digging graves, burying the bodies they had found throughout the cliff.
It felt like he had buried his sensei a thousand times. One grave after another. There had been more bodies; more painfully familiar faces. He had buried the Yondaime again and again, and even though he kept telling himself that those people weren't his teacher, after so many graves he had started to turn cold on the inside.
"I'm sorry," the Yondaime spoke suddenly.
Kakashi blinked in surprise at the sound of his teacher's voice. He still couldn't manage to look up at him.
"I shouldn't have asked you too help me bury them," the blond went on, "it can't have been easy to bury so many bodies that look like… like him."
"You mean like you," Kakashi amended as he pulled his mask down to take a drink.
"…yeah," the Yondaime sighed sadly, and the sound caused Kakashi to cramp with guilt. No matter how difficult it had been for him to bury the image of his teacher so many times, it must have been nothing compared to what the Yondaime was going though. All those people who looked just like him. Who had died in the attempt to bring him back.
Kakashi swallowed and turned his head to finally look at his teacher. The Yondaime was staring at his face, and Kakashi didn't know how to describe the man's expression, but it caused a blush to creep into Kakashi's cheeks. He fumbled for his mask so that he could hide behind it again.
"Don't…" the Yondaime's hand wrapped around Kakashi's wrist before he could raise the material. The firm but gentle pressure of the man's fingers around him made Kakashi feel as though his bones had turned to water.
"I like your face," the Yondaime said, there was more breath in his words than there was voice, "don't hide it."
Kakashi released the breath that he hadn't realised he had been holding. He lowered his hand from the mask slightly, but the Yondaime was still holding onto him, his fingers still wrapped around his wrist, bleeding warmth into Kakashi's arm.
He had been touched by his sensei plenty of times in the past. He had been held by him, hit by him, carried by him, even tickled by him once or twice.
The way the Yondaime was holding his wrist, gently enough for Kakashi to escape, but firm enough that it was clear that the Yondaime didn't want him to, felt far more intimate than any of those past touches.
He looked down at his wrist, at the Yondaime's hand, before flickering his eyes up into the man's face, and his breath caught again. The Yondaime was watching him carefully, as though studying every contour of his face and waiting for a reaction.
His reaction was to turn even redder. He wanted to scoot closer to the man, but at the same time he wanted to pull away. He didn't know why his teacher was watching him so closely, or why the fingers around his wrist tightened by a fraction when Kakashi met his eyes.
They were in a graveyard, surrounded by the dead that Kakashi had already buried years before, and the Yondaime was suddenly shifting onto his knees in front of Kakashi, still holding his wrist as he leant closer towards him.
His eyes widened as the Yondaime began to close the space between them.
Kakashi was terrified. Terrified that the Yondaime would kiss him, and terrified that he wouldn't. This was his teacher, he shouldn't want to kiss his teacher. He shouldn't ache for the man to press himself closer and touch him, but he did. And all Kakashi could think about was the fact that the man didn't remember, the Yondaime couldn't remember anything, and if he could he wouldn't be looking at Kakashi quite like that.
He could feel himself starting to panic, and then his breath was stolen as the man pressed his lips to Kakashi's cheek, just a soft, chaste kiss.
After a moment, Kakashi's eyes fluttered shut. His teacher's lips were cold against his cheek, probably because Kakashi's mask had prevented the cold wind from stealing too much of his warmth. The kiss lingered longer then a peck on the cheek should, there was too much tenderness in the soft touch for Kakashi to comprehend. When the Yondaime finally moved away, a disappointed whimper almost escaped Kakashi.
The fingers around his wrist loosened. Kakashi finally opened his eyes, to see his sensei watching him still, with a carefully guarded expression, as though waiting for something from Kakashi.
"I… was your teacher, right?" he asked softly.
Kakashi nodded, not trusting his voice.
"Was… was that all I was?" he asked, there was a desperate sort of fear written into his face as he asked the question.
"W-what do you mean?" Kakashi breathed. He may have had some idea of what the man meant, but he was too frightened to trust his instincts, afraid that he was wrong, and equally afraid that he would be right.
The Yondaime swallowed and looked away, releasing Kakashi's wrist.
"We should probably find somewhere to stay for the night," the Yondaime said as he rose to his feet.
Kakashi nodded absently. The feeling of his sensei's lips was still lingering on his cheek.
"The cave…" Kakashi breathed out; the cave wasn't very far away, it was sheltered and no one had been there in a long while when Kakashi had found it.
The Yondaime shook his head, "we shouldn't go back there, it would be too predictable, we shouldn't risk it."
Kakashi's eyes widened as he looked up at the man. That was… he sounded so like the Yondaime… like himself that Kakashi couldn't speak. He had spoken with such calm authority that it was almost impossible to believe that the man didn't remember being who he once was.
"Alright," Kakashi managed to reply as he climbed to his feet, "did you have anywhere else in mind?"
The Yondaime glanced across to where a handful of barren, gnarled trees reached up towards the sky, like broken fingers stretching upwards. It wasn't very secluded, but then, Earth Country was only rocks and low shrubbery, it was as good a place to set up camp as any.
Kakashi swept up the canteen he had dropped and pulled his mask back up, "let's go then."
oO0Oo
They had wasted half of the night arguing about who was going to take the first watch. It seemed silly for Kakashi to enjoy an argument, but he had. He had enjoyed arguing with his teacher, simply because he hadn't had the chance to do so in such a long time. It hadn't even been an argument about anything important, just something as mundane and ordinary as who would get to sleep first. It was such a normality that Kakashi had revelled in it until he finally wore the man down and actually forced the blanket over him.
Now that the man was asleep he finally had the chance to just stare at him. The last time he had watched the blond sleep, from the rooftop across from the inn they had been staying at, he hadn't believed that the man was the Yondaime. But now he knew, and he was watching him even more closely, cherishing each and every rise and fall of the man's chest.
"You know," the blond said suddenly, startling Kakashi out of his thoughts, "when you take watch, you aren't supposed to be watching your sleeping companions."
"How long have you been awake?" Kakashi asked.
The blond opened his eyes and smiled sheepishly at Kakashi, "I never really got to sleep," he replied, "I have too much to think about."
Kakashi smiled back at him, "yeah, me too."
"Maybe you should sleep first," the Yondaime glanced towards him as he pushed himself into a sitting position, "I can't sleep anyway."
"We've already had this argument," Kakashi shook his head, "besides, I won't be able to sleep either."
"Then we have a problem," the Yondaime sighed, "hey, do you have anything to eat?"
Kakashi rolled his eyes as he slid closer to the blond, and reached out towards his pack, "just some ration bars. We should have bought some food from that village before we left."
The Yondaime was suddenly behind him, so close that Kakashi could feel the heat rolling off his body.
"Why do I feel slightly horrified at the thought of eating ration bars?" the Yondaime glanced down at the pack over Kakashi's shoulder.
"Heh," Kakashi licked his lips, and determinedly did not turn to look at the man, "because they're disgusting. But they're food, so if you're hungry…"
Kakashi jumped when he felt the Yondaime's hands rest lightly on his arms.
"Kakashi," the man breathed even as Kakashi's breath caught inside him, "can I ask you a question?"
It couldn't be normal to physically ache whenever the man touched him. His insides were screaming at him just to lean back, then more of them would be touching. The soft presence of the Yondaime's hands on his arms was almost teasing.
"S-sure," he replied after a brief hesitation.
"Do you…" he heard the man hiss as he breathed in, "…I mean… how old were you when… when I died?"
Kakashi had a feeling that that hadn't been what the man was originally planning to ask, but he wasn't about to call the man on it. Instead he focused on his own hands, that were still plunged into the pack between his knees, and sighed.
"Fourteen."
The hands on his arms tensed slightly, and after a moment the Yondaime's arms wound around his chest, the blonde's chin came to rest on his shoulder, Kakashi could feel the warmth of the man's chest against his back.
"I'm sorry," he breathed. Kakashi could feel the words burst over his cheek. He shivered.
"What for?" he asked quietly.
"I don't know," the Yondaime admitted, "I left you alone, and I feel guilty for it."
"You shouldn't feel guilty, sensei," Kakashi whispered, he sagged back against the man slightly, something inside him went loose.
The Yondaime's arms tightened around him. Kakashi was trapped, held still by his teacher, but he felt perfectly content. There was a niggling worry somewhere in his mind, telling him that he should break free, but he ignored it. He didn't want to be free, he wanted to be captured like this forever.
"Kakashi?" the Yondaime turned his head slightly, until Kakashi could feel the man's lips move against his jaw when he spoke, "I'm not your teacher anymore."
Kakashi's heart had started to speed up, "I know."
The Yondaime shifted behind him, until he was kneeling a little higher, and could lever himself to peer further over Kakashi's shoulder. Kakashi could see the man's hair out of the corner of his eye, then a flash of blue when the Yondaime turned his face to look at him.
"Then don't call me sensei anymore," he said softly, "alright?"
"I…" Kakashi turned his head so that he could look at the blond, but jumped when his nose brushed against the Yondaime's, startled by how close their faces were.
That niggling worry in the back of Kakashi's mind was practically screaming at him. But every thought in his head was quickly silenced when he felt the Yondaime's fingers ghost over his face, and agonisingly slowly, pull his mask down.
He was too close to him to see it, but he heard the Yondaime swallow.
"Can I…" he could feel the blonde's words breath over his face, his eyes moved down to Kakashi's lips, and at that moment Kakashi tore his hands out of the pack and grabbed the arm that was snaked around his chest.
He had been going to pull the man off him, because this was one big mistake that he was damned for wanting to make. But at the same instant the Yondaime's lips closed over his, and rather than pull away from the man, Kakashi pressed even closer to him.
He was damned. Because if the Yondaime were himself, if he could remember anything at all, he wouldn't want to kiss Kakashi. And if he ever regained his memories then what they were doing, the fact that they were kissing, would utterly horrify the man. But Kakashi melted into him anyway, quivering delightfully on the inside.
The Yondaime made a delicate little sound into Kakashi's mouth, and the noise stroked heat throughout Kakashi, from his very core, and made him tilt his head back even further. He was the one who moved his tongue into his sensei's mouth before he sighed into him.
Kakashi snapped his eyes open. His tongue was in his sensei's mouth. And no matter how wonderful it felt, when they stopped kissing he would have to look into his sensei's face and wait for the man to remember exactly why this was a bad idea. He had been terrified of losing the man again, but he would loose him just the same if he started to remember and hated Kakashi for taking advantage of him when he didn't have his memories.
Kakashi jerked his head to the side, breaking the kiss, and twisted out of the man's arms.
"Kakashi…"
"That was…" Kakashi gasped for air, he couldn't meet the Yondaime's eyes, "that was wrong, I'm sorry."
"What?"
"You…" Kakashi's heart clenched painfully, "you can't remember. You wouldn't kiss me if you could remember."
The Yondaime frowned and edged closer to Kakashi, but Kakashi leapt to his feet and paced across to the tree a few feet away. If the man tried to touch him again he would cave, he'd give in, and then everything would be ruined. He refused to lose his teacher again due to something as stupid as a kiss.
"What are you talking about?" the Yondaime rose to his feet, in one fluid motion and swept across to where Kakashi was bracing himself against the tree.
"Don't," Kakashi warned, "you don't really want…"
"Yes I do," the Yondaime replied firmly, with the same tone of authority that had made Kakashi pause earlier. He gasped when the blond turned him around and put his hands on Kakashi's shoulders.
"If getting my memories back means that I don't want this," he said softly, "then I don't want to remember."
He stepped into Kakashi, and Kakashi's back slammed into the tree behind him when he tried to back away. The Yondaime was kissing him again, but it was a light touch, and Kakashi was well aware that he wasn't being held as tightly as he was before, that he was being given the opportunity to push the man away.
Instead, he crumbled. His arms found their way around the Yondaime's waist, his hands skimmed over the man's spine, and he kissed him back.
