Chapter 9:

Callum:

I had no idea what time it was when I got back to Sephy's beach, all i know is that it was still completely dark. The moon was the only light now that I was out of the way of any street lights. The sea which looked black in this darkness flowed forward and back rhymatically. The sound of this was calming and before long had made me feel completely numb. The sand was soft beneath me and I quickly, without really thinking, went from sitting up to laying down. My eyes felt heavy and soon forced themselves shut. My mind shut off and I drifted into a peaceful and dreamless sleep.


'Cal? Callum?' I opened my eyes when I heard Sephy's voice. She sounded so far away and yet when I saw her she was knelt beside me. On the sand. I realised, as I registered that, that I was still on Sephy's beach. I sat up slowly and smiled at her. The smile faded quickly as I remembered the day before. I sighed and wrapped my arms around her. I needed to feel her close to me. To know that someone was still there. She returned the hug holding me close. It felt like this was the wrong way round, isn't is supposed to be the boy who holds the girl when she's upset? I realised it didn't matter. I felt the need to apologise to Sephy for, at times, blaming her, but I knew Sephy didn't know I had blamed her at all, so I didn't say anything. I stayed holding on to Sephy like she was a raft and I was drowning, after all that had happened the day before and everything I had thought about in the early hours of this morning I just needed the comfort of having something familiar close to me.

Callum' Sephy pulled out of the hug gently and sat down on the sand. I sat down beside her and put my arm around her shoulder. She looked at me 'you know, your Mum may've calmed down over night'

I sighed and removed my arm from around her shoulders. I drew my legs up and hugged my arms around them. I hadn't even thought about going to see if Mum had forgiven me. It felt like so long had passed since I had seen her, but it had only been a number of hours. It felt like so long because of how much had happened - mostly the range of emotions and thoughts I had experienced - since then.

'Hey' Sephy shuffled even closer to me, put her arm around my shoulders and rested her head on my shoulder. 'You don't have to go now. You don't even have to go today if you don't want to or don't feel ready. I was just saying'

'I know' I replied. 'I just don't know what to do' I wanted to keep talking but I didn't want to admit than I was scared. Scared of seeing Mum again. Scared of her still being angry. Scared of Jude still being angry. Scared of Dad sticking up for me. Scared of going home and knowing Lynette would never be there. Just completely scared.

'How 'bout you think about it, and maybe go later on or maybe leave it a bit longer' suggested Sephy.

I nodded 'Yeah'

'Are you gonna come back inside?' asked Sephy.

I shook my head. 'Maybe in a while' I needed time to think - or maybe rather not think. My mind was a mess. It felt like I was being stupid and cowardly for not wanting to go home. I hated feeling so scared, but I couldn't help it. For all I knew Sephy could be right and Mum may not be annoyed with my anymore, but I was too scared to find out in case she was. I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with Mum or Jude having a go at me again. Right now the only problem with staying away was the loneliness. but loneliness wasn't a small problem. I knew I had Sephy, but it wasn't the same as family. There was already a Lynette shape whole in my heart, not having my family just made that a million times worse. I needed them but I was too scared to see them. And I knew it had to be me who went back because they didn't know where I was - though they'd probably guess soon enough. There was only a few places I could've gone and I was too much of a coward to go to any of them but here. But then that meant I wouldn't necessarily have to make the first move, Mum could come here, but that would mean Sephy would get into no end of trouble, and Jude would go straight back to hating me - if he even ever stopped hating me. Point is though, Mum probably didn't calm down over night, and Jude wouldn't have either, so it was better for me to stay away for now. It was just better. It was. It was.

I just had to keep telling myself that and maybe then I would believe it and stop feeling like I was being such a coward.

'What are you thinking about, Cal?' asked Sephy. Only when Sephy spoke did I realise she was still sat beside me, I had been so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn't taken any notice of whether she was there or not.

'Home' I replied simply and honestly. I wasn't sure how or even if I should repeat exactly how I had been thinking.

'D'you want to go there?' asked Sephy.

'Sort of' I replied. Again it was the honest answer, and the only one I could give. Sephy had a friendly reassuring smile on her face which told me I could continue if I wanted to but I didn't have to. 'I'm scared' I admitted 'I want to see Mum but I don't want to if she's still angry with me so I don't know what to do. Logic is telling me to leave it a little while and go when I'm feeling braver. But then another type of logic is saying that if I don't go how could I know if she was angry or not so I don't know what I should do'

'I think you need to listen to the first bit of logic' replied Sephy. 'It's obvious you don't feel ready to find out for definite yet, so it would probably be better for you to wait a little while until you do feel braver. But Callum' Sephy knelt up in front of me, making sure I looked right at her 'You're not a coward' I didn't say anything. 'I know you, Callum, and I know that right now you'll be thinking that you're a coward for not wanting to face your Mum, but you aren't. You had the most hellish day imaginable yesterday, it's natural to want a bit of a break before going and seeing her. You have to believe that Callum, you aren't a coward. I think you're really brave. You went through what you went through yesterday and you haven't completely fell apart, that's amazingly brave'

She didn't have a clue. 'But I feel like I am' I replied 'inside it feels like there's something missing and that something is Lynny and I feel like I'm a complete mess. I keep wanting to cry or scream or something but I haven't got the energy to, I'm so tired. I want to wake up, Sephy, I want to wake up and find this was all just a terrible dream, but I can't. I can't wake up because it's not a dream, it's real. There's no going back, no sorting it all out, no "it'll be all right" because it won't be. Nothing can bring Lynette back and nothing can stop me feeling like I'm a falling apart.'

'I know' replied Sephy softly. 'I know. No one can take Lynette's place in your heart, but you have to know there's people here for you. Even if your mum and Jude are still angry, I'm always here, and your Dad is still there.' She hugged me to prove her point.

I knew she was right, I knew that she was always there, and I knew that Dad was still there, but it wasn't much of a comfort. Lynette was still, and always would be dead.