Garfield's Creed III episode 9 – The Day of the Ezio

Authors note: Put on heavy metal or hard rock during all action scenes if you have not been doing so for seamless immersion!

By the time morning came the entire Aquila smelled like scent of fresh springtime romances when the flowers bloom. With yawn of boundless machismo Garfield stretched out his arms and looked around at all the naked sleeping babes as he tenderly massaged their nubile forms.

"Been busy haven't you, Garfield?" Called out Benjamin Franklin with endorsement from above.

"Now this truly was an ice cream party for the history books." Prophesized Thomas Jefferson while tenderly licking his chocolate ice cream cone as everyone applauded Garfield as he strolled with casual man style back onto deck, the sunlight reflecting off of his muscles like sunset upon desert highway road.

"Land ho! We have returned to America in time for the Fourth of July!" Said Connor with homecoming as he sailed into port of Boston where large parade had gathered for Garfield at the docks with great confetti and fireworks.

"Once upon a time I would've criticized these peoples for such bombast and misplaced patriotism… but now I know that FREEDOM IS KING." Haytham said as he put on Uncle Sam hat as Samuel Adams began rolling out kegs of FREEDOM BEER.

"Garfield I must thank you for the invaluable lessons that you have taught us all during your time here." Said George Washington as he and Garfield waved to the crowds and posed for cameras. "You have convinced me to take upon role of the President of the United States instead of retiring back to Mount Vernon."

"May your manliness never falter!" Said Garfield with parting advice to George Washington as he walked through the crowd, kissing babies and signing autographs for all.

"Good-bye Garfield!" Shouted all grateful Americans with farewell wave as with booming sound effect Garfield stepped through opening time portal with the Cheese of Eden in tow.

On the other side there was grand celebrating party awaiting for Garfield.

"Greetings Garfield we see that you have finally recovered the final ingredient of the Lasagna of Eden!" Said Lucy with affectionate welcomings as she vigorously kissed and stroked him all over.

"Indeed let us see what we now have!" Said Rebecca as she took the Cheese of Eden and combined them with the Noodles and Sauce of Eden. Suddenly there was blinding red white and green light and after a few seconds the Lasagna of Eden had formed floating in the air!

"Gasp!" Said Lucy with shock as she dangled her fingers near the Lasagna of Eden. "I have never felt such power before!"

"Oh really?" Said Garfield with begging difference as he flexed his muscles, combining with the power of the Lasagna of Eden to create newfound man power!

"Wow! I wish I could be that powerful!" Said Desmond Miles as he looked up from his Game Boy Advance at Garfield and the Lasagna of Eden.

"Except you never will you useless wet blanket!" Laughed Lucy and Rebecca with taunts.

"You are right guys! I am useless the whole time and I will never bean a man in my life!" Said Desmond with hard realizations.

"Enough with small chitter chatter." Garfield demanded with booming voice that shut everyone up. "We finally have at our disposal ultimate weapon to wipe Abstergo rats from face of world! Now Lucy and Rebecca I believe it is time for one last push together before I go and finish my business." Garfield added with a charming wink.

"Oooh Garfield you are so romantic! Desmond can't even get a rise out of me!" Laughed Lucy as she prepared to remove her clothes when suddenly there was loud buzzing on communication screen.

"What is this unexpected communication?" Inquired Rebecca Crane as she turned on the communication screen.

"Ha ha ha Garfield remember me?" Sneered the face of Ezio Auditore with fury. "I am here for my revenge for the indiscretions you have committed against my bloodline!"

"Ah it will be a pleasure to kill you again." Garfield said with cool style as he poured himself a drink and lit a cigarette.

"You may have bested me before but now I have an army!" Said Ezio with mockery. "You see Garfield I am really a Time Lord and through made-up sciences I have teamed up with my future reincarnation Arno and our army of evil history mans to wreak our vengeance upon thee!"

"You may have an army of billions but it will never be more than gnats brushing against my arm. I am a master bowler and every shot I fire against you is perfect strike." Said Garfield with ridicule as he put on a bowler hat and mocked throw.

"LIES!" Screamed Ezio as he punched his screen cracking it. "WE WILL BE SEEING EACH OTHER AGAIN SHORTLY GARFIELD FOR NOW ARRIVES THE DAY OF THE EZIO!"

"Oh no Garfield what are we going to do?" Asked Desmond Miles with absolute trepidation as Garfield calmly used his detective skills to figure out who the evil history mans were and put their locations on map with thumb tacks.

"I will deliver to Ezio and his goons justice like the pizzaman delivers pizza – 30 minutes or less." Garfield said as he put on his All-American shades and hopped back into his All-American muscle car and began loudly playing heavy rockin music as he sped off.

Garfield then did the driving through America, his body filled with justice like overflowing milk carton, hands of determination upon the steering wheel and power pounding down the pedal. Garfield then arrived in Washington DC where he sensed evil attempting to invade.

To Garfield's shock horror the first of the evil history mans turned out to be none other than Winston Churchill.

"How can this be?" Said Garfield as he rubbed his eyes to make sure it was no trick. "You are Nazi fighting hero!"

"Heehee Garfield the only reason I fought the Nazis was so that my great empire of evil imperialism could spread our evil imperialist ways across the globe unhindered!" Sneered Winston Churchill as he lit cigar made from evil tobacco. "But you upstart Americans got in the way! But no longer! now is the time for Britannia to rise again!" Winston Churchill then ripped off his suit to reveal muscular fighting body with Bulldog tattoo until he had sudden realization. "Wait... you are supposed to stop and get out and fight me!"

"Nice try fat boy. Or should I say, flat boy?" Garfield roared with anti-colonialism values as he hit full speed on the gas pedal and turned Winston Churchill into blood sausage on his windshield.

Garfield drove further south until he ran into roadblock of trouble once more.

"I am here to issue you tickets of deportation Garfield! America is for the Aryan Master Race only!" Laughed a man wearing Confederate Uniform as he approached Garfield on horse while firing Civil War guns at Garfield which harmlessly bounced off of his bulletproof car armor. It was Nathan Bedford Forrest founder of the Ku Klux Klan!

"It is time to start murdering my daily quota of racists." Said Garfield as he started marking down counter as he drove headfirst into Nathan Bedford Forrest roadkilling his horse and catapulting Nathan Bedford Forrest.

"You can't possibly kill all of us!" Screamed Nathan Bedford Forrest as he tried to crawl away with all his bones broken.

"I'm off to a good start." Said Garfield with a chuckle as he rubbed out his cigarette on Nathan Bedford Forrest's left eye while gouging the other out.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Said Nathan Bedford Forrest before Garfield ripped off his head and tossed it away to hungry dog pack.

"Somedays it feels that the world may be going to the dogs, but still better dogs than racists." Garfield said sadly as he cruised down the highway.

With another antique supervillain taken care of Garfield leapt back into his car and drove into dark woods where suddenly his tire ran over a thumb tack. Then as Garfield stepped out to fix his tire he heard evil man giggling.

"You may have bested two of us of us but your roaring rampage ends here for you shall not see me coming!" Sniveled Ted Bundy as he stalked Garfield through the shadows of the trees.

"There is no place for evil to hide but the grave." Said Garfield cooly as he quickly grabbed his tire wrench and swung it decapitating Ted Bundy who was behind him. Then he fixed his tires in two seconds and drove off in search of more fighting.

Garfield drove south to New Orleans where Louisianans were displaying Southern pride by playing Sweet Home Alabama on their banjoes.

"As much as I'd love to stay and sample some authentic lasagna gumbo, I must save the world first!" Garfield sighed with disappointment, as he passed by waving skimpy southern belles.

Garfield continued to drive through the Deep South, and went through a deep muddy swamp. Garfield surveyed the swamp with disgusts at its ecosystems and nature. "This is no good. I must fill all this up with cement and build a lasagna casino resort over it." Garfield said with true American entrepreneurship.

But before Garfield could move on there was sudden sound of earth shaking and before Garfield could react vines had grabbed his car and dragged it into the swamp.

"Who could this foe be?" Garfield asked as he jumped out of his car before the swamp waters enveloped it.

"You'll be finger lickin' good to eat once I'm through with you!" Said a mud-covered swamp thing as he burst from the deepest whirlpools of dark water. It was Colonel Sanders!

"Colonel Sanders. We meet again, old enemy. But I never expected you to betray your nation!" Said Garfield with unamused disdain as he dodged lethal balls of mashed potatoes thrown at him.

"I have never forgiven you for beating me in the Great Cookoff of 197X! But now Ezio has granted me the means to rectify that! And with you out of the picture, soon my fried chicken will replace lasagna as the #1 American comfort food! The world domination of my chicken means more than any stupid nation!" Said Colonel Sanders as he laughed diabolically, rushing at Garfield with an original-recipe seasoned spear.

"I see your brain is now the only thing fried worse than your chicken. Here let me beat the common sense to die back into you." Garfield taunted as the tip of the spear shattered harmlessly upon Garfield's steel belly. Garfield then took a deep breath and charged up his inner circulation of lasagna energy, and his fists began to cackle red with lasagna power.

"Let me show you that a mere chicken could never hope to match lasagna's glory. FLAMING LASAGNA OVERDRIVE!" Garfield yelled as he punched Colonel Sanders with such force that split him open like a Russian Nesting Doll, overwhelming the corrupt core of chicken within him with the purifying cackle of lasagna.

"IIIIIEEEEEYAAAAGH!" Colonel Sanders screamed as the fire of lasagna burned him to his skeleton, and he fell backwards into the swamp, evaporating all the water as he thrashed his dying throes. With that Garfield's ride was freed and ready to return to the road.

Garfield then drove to the Midwest where he saw a strange man with stained pants he did not know yelling obscenities at him.

"It is time for payback for what you and Jon Arbuckle did to me!" Said the man with bawling as he readied loaded Remington shotgun. "You will rue the way you screwed Ly"

Garfield proceed to run the strange man over and use him like a ramp. Transferring the velocity at which he was traveling to the sudden impact, Garfield went flying sky high, past the clouds and airliners.

"Now this is how to travel in first class style." Garfield said as he sipped a Lasagna Martini for quick breather. However he could not relax long for with eagle like vision from above Garfield detected catastrophe playing out in musical concert in stadium below.

"Baby oh baby! It is time for fundraiser concert for the cause of the meatball supremo master Ezio!" Said Phil Collins with auto-tune as he took stage with the Spice Girls, Kanye West, Billy Ray Cyrus, Papa Roach and more as his backing acts.

"Ezio ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

He'll solve all our woes

He's the savior of the universe

His tyranny I truly endorse

He shall be the world and his children

Sucking on him is tastier than lemon

Ezio shall be the greatest way of living

So to us his slavery we shall start giving

Hail the great Ezio"

"Those are pretend songs for pretend people not deserving of life. Let me show them what real music sounds like." Garfield said as he took out a special bullet signed by his greatest music school student Johnny Cash and carefully aimed as he flew above the concert for kilomiles above before firing.

The force of the following nuclear explosion caused by Garfields bullet propelled him through guiding motion for the rest of his journey in the sky.

Garfield then landed at Seattle where he saw another Ezio recruit terrorizing the people with bad music.

"Listen to the song of my quirky angst and feel my quirky sorrow so that you may give me record deals so I do not have to work hard in real job!" Cried Captain Hipster as he pounded on pussy guitar sending people crying with his bad song.

"That song is clearly the voice of a vile enemy of America and by extension an enemy of me! I must take care of him the way a real man does!" Said Garfield as he flew over highway ramp over Seahawks stadium to pinpoint the location of Captain Hipster.

"Time to take your shots!" Joked Garfield as he leapt out of his muscle car and proceeded to grab the Space Needle with intents of intervention.

"Oh no that does not look like fun drug needle!" Screamed Captain Hipster with junkie dependence before Garfield crushed him like ant with the Space Needle. Garfield then landed back in the muscle car and proceeded to drive off to further deliver justice.

Garfield traveled southwards towards San Francisco where the evilest recruit Adolf Hitler was attempting to enact plans of genocide upon diverse city of saints with bigotry!

"Guess who's here?" Said Garfield with announcements of punishment as he arrived on Golden Gate Bridge before smashing through one of Hitler's roadblocks running over Nazis left and right.

"ACH NEIN!" Said Hitler with baby fear as his knees popped together before turning to run away like coward rat he was. "You will not take me alive! Save me, garish knight! Attack!"

Upon Hitler's orders a man in garish colors popped out of a hiding hole to fight Garfield. To Garfield's horror-shock he saw that it was seemingly Captain America!

"Hahaha Garfield how can you fight the very incarnation of American greatness without compromising your own principles?" Hitler taunted Garfield. "I have finally defeated you, you orange blubberball!"

"Oooof for once Hitler is right!"Said Garfield as Captain America's charging star attack knocked him back.

"Captain America!" Garfield yelled with nuclear rage as Captain America danced arm in arm with Hitler. "You are an American! Why do you join forces with anti American evils like Hitler and Ezio?"

"Foolish Garfield!" Laughed Captain America with mockery as his ego trip got the better of his tactical common sense. "Do you think this letter on my head stands for America? NO IT STANDS FOR AXIS!"

Captain America then ripped off his Captain America costume to reveal that he was actually the Red Skull!

"I should have known better than to have believed that a real American hero like Captain America would've fallen to the side of the Ratzis!" Said Garfield with his fighting spirit renewed as he and the Red Skull exchanged blows. The Red Skull threw Captain America's shield at Garfield but with instant reflexes Garfield snatched the shield and turned it on the Red Skull.

"Oh no Garfield you have defeated me!" Said the Red Skull with loss of bodily functions as Garfield sliced off both of his arms. "Please spare me I promise I will stop being evil and I will lead you to Ezio!"

"Nazi bastard you are as red as your lies but I will have you seeing blue." Said Garfield with disgust as he punted Red Skull into the ocean. Turning to finish Hitler Garfield saw with slight dismay that Hitler had run away while they were fighting leaving behind the rest of the AXIS Powers Leaders Benito Mussolini and Hideki Tojo to face the mercy of Garfield's tranquil fury.

"Garfield Hitler went that way in his prized Prius! Now grant us our lives in exchange for this information!" Mussolini and Tojo sniveled like weasels as they pointed to the highway.

"I may grant you your lives but the tigers and bears may not be as generous." Garfield said with a wink.

"Wait what do you mean?" Mussolini and Tojo cried with runny snot as they kissed Garfields feet.

"GO ENTERTAIN LITTLE KITTENS." Garfield then roared as he kicked Mussolini into Tojo like star football player and sent them flying all the way into the feeding cages at the San Francisco Zoo.

As Mussolini and Tojo screamed in the distance accompanied by great cheers and applause, Garfield eagerly resumed the hunt and hopped into his muscle car following the fleeing Hitler.

Garfield pursued Hitler through all of America past sweeping landscapes and national landmarks until they arrived at Mount Rushmore where Ezio and Arno Dorian were waiting!

"Hey Ezio, help me!" Said Hitler to his time-traveling benefactors in pure fear and misery as he scrambled like burnt eggs towards Ezio and Arno Dorian.

"Hitler you fool you have led Garfield to our very door step!" Chided Ezio Auditore with disappointed facepalm as Garfield crushed Hitler by landing on him with smooth car jump.

"All of your minions are dead. That leaves just you two. Or more accurately, just you!" Said Garfield with arithmetic as he whipped out his Desert Eagle blowing off Arno Dorian's head in mushroom cloud of strawberry jam.

"Ha ha no big loss he was inferior version of me in all aspects. But ha ha all fighting has weakened you Garfield Now deal with my ultimate weapon… MY ASSASSIN ARMY!" Ezio said with diabolical ace card as he gathered up army of one million white-robed sycophantic recruits from the streets of Rome and Istanbul.

Garfield tread forward without mercy towards Ezio as Ezio flung his Assassins at him. Like feather up against Asian tsunami wave the Assassin recruits splattered harmlessly against Garfield's biceps of titanium.

"What sort of sick man sends babies to fight?" Asked Garfield with repulsion of Ezio's coward tactics.

"The smart kind! See I have delayed your advance." Laughed Ezio as he threw his final Assassin to squealing doom.

"Not so smart now is it? Now it is time to learn what it feels like to be slammed dunk into core of Earth" Announced Garfield as he grabbed Ezio by the collar and readied for mighty fisting.

"Ha ha Garfield! Not so fast for I sabotaged and reprogrammed your great monument in preparation for my vengeance!" Said Ezio as he activated true ace card by pressing button on hidden blade bracer which activated his super trap for Garfield.

Suddenly from Mount Rushmore the President Heads rose from ground revealing that they were really giant President statues. The President Statues then opened up their eyes and fired laser beams that wrapped around Garfield and bound him to ground like net.

"See Garfield you have fallen prey to my ultimate trap!" Ezio bragged with misplaced notion of victory. "Now it is time for you to be the suffering as you have done to me!"

Ezio then took out a cross with intents of crucifixion. For whole month Ezio attempted to nail Garfields right hand to cross to no success.

"You little fool boy are you trying to torture me or tickle me?" Said Garfield with stoic scorning laugh as Ezio broke his two-hundredth nail upon Garfield's hand.

"Damn you Garfield but if I cannot torture you I shall end you!" Said Ezio as he took out a instant death disintegrator cannon from the year 3K.

"It would take one thousand disintegrators to kill me!" Taunted Garfield without fear as Ezio readied the disintegrator cannon.

"Then Garfield marvel at the technique taught to me by the Shadow Master!" Said Ezio as he harnessed his foul ninja skills and split off into one thousand Ezios each with their own disintegrator cannon.

"Go ahead and pull the trigger. You will never be a man merely blind crippled child chasing after ice cream truck." Garfield said with indomitable resistance and mokcery as he spat hot lasagna spit into Ezio's eye.

All the Ezios charged up their disintegrator cannons readying to disintegrate Garfield but suddenly a giant sound was heard in skies above them.

It was a giant carrier air fortress and emblazoned on it was the logo of Garfield's Powerful Ally Welfare Syndicate – PAWS. The giant carrier air fortress than fired many torpedoes destroying Ezio's President statues. Then as the hatch opened familiar voice was herd by all!

"AMAKOOOOOOO."

It was Jon Arbuckle in flight jacket wearing jetpack and twirling shining golden revolvers. And without warning Jon Arbuckle leapt from air hatch leading thousands of troops into battle against Ezio.

Jon Arbuckle sped through the skies in flight skillfully gunning down hundreds of Ezios with his rapid firing revolver skills. Then Jon Arbuckle blasted Garfield's bindings freeing him.

Seeing his captive free and his clones dying Ezio finally broke out in panic fear. "It is hopeless to think that even the Shadow Master could've defeated the Great Garfield!"

Ezio then leapt on his Pink Vespa as all his clones died around him and sped away.

"Garfield the battle has been won!" Said Obama the President with congratulations as he parachuted down and slit the throat of the last Ezio.

"But the real Ezio has escaped!" Worried Jon Arbuckle as he surveyed the aftermath of the battle.

"Do not worry." Said Garfield with reassuring commander's voice. "For every action there is a reaction. For every rise there is a fall. And for every escape there is a capture."

"I have brought along my Harley Davidson for just an occasion!" Said Obama the President with lending as he had his custom-painted and modded Presidential Harley Davidson wheeled over to Garfield. "Now find Ezio and finish him!"

"I will not let you down Mister President!" Said Garfield with parting salute as he rode off.

Garfield then rode with such high velocity that he traveled around the entire span of the globe in every possible direction ten times through entering new dimension of speed in search of Ezio.

"Whew!" Said Ezio elsewhere as he continued to be riding his Pink Vespa through highway roads. "I do believe that I have thrown Garfield off of my trail!"

But before Ezio could have moment to find brothel to celebrate he heard the sound of Ozzy Osbourne's "Hellraiser" coming over on the horizon like sunrise. It was Garfield heading towards Ezio at 5th-dimensional Speed.

"Hold your mouth if you do not have the proofs to back up your hypothesis!" Said Garfield with scientific method as he leapt at Ezio. With the propelling motion force of his leap factored in with the velocity he had been traveling at Garfield boosted into Nthdimensionally Acceleration.

"Garfield please spare me!" Begged Ezio as he continued to ride towards oblivion unable to escape Garfield's magnetic charisma.

"The only thing I have to spare is my fist!" Quipped Garfield as he came at Ezio increasing his punching power charge with each second.

"No my dream of world domination! It must not die!" Cried Ezio as tears burst from his eyes like broken fountain.

Garfield reached maximum charge and with fire in his heart and eyes he readied himself for his ultimate technique that only a true man could master as he readied to collide with Ezio as his heart-rocking heavy metal hit meaningful emotional chorus.

"GARFIELD PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!" Roared Garfield as his fist connected with Ezio's face with the power of Nth Dimensions.

"You may have stopped me now Garfield but beware for the Shadow Master and the one who came before shall be your ultimate end! And they will come to you more quickly than you have expecting!" Cried Ezio with great pain as the force of Garfield Punch annihilated him erasing him from existence in great atomic supernova explosion.

As Garfield checked his watch seeing that it had taken him only twenty-nine minutes to defeat Ezio, he saw lean sexy redhead figure approaching him in distance. It was none other than Elise de la Serre!

"Wow Garfield I am very glad you have killed Arno Dorian. He was really stupid and smelly!" Said Elise with gratitude as she grabbed Garfield and smothered him with her ripe french cantaloupes. "Oh Garfield how could I have ever loved him when you are what a woman really needs!"

"That's right Baby. Say do you like lasagna?" Asked Garfield with charming smile.

"Oh Garfield upon your command I would eat garbage!" Said Elise with loyal servitude.

Garfield then received call on his lasagna-brand smartphone.

"Garfield what has happened?" Asked voice of Jon Arbuckle on other end. "We have heard sound of great explodings! Are you ok?"

"I am more than just okay. I feel ultra!" Said Garfield as he boarded his motorcycle and got the engine running.

"What shall we do now, Garfield, now that we have ended the Day of the Ezio?" Said Jon Arbuckle awaiting further orders.

"Isn't it obvious, Jon Arbuckle?" Asked Garfield as he rode back towards homebase with Elise holding onto him, both of them with anticipating lust. "It is time we weed out Abstergo."

To be continued…