Chapter 9

Penny just sat on her couch, she was so lonely, she wanted Leonard. The last several hours had been emotional rollercoaster for her and now she felt like she was plunging into abyss. Penny didn't know what to do, she sat there with her head in her hands completely disorientated, not knowing where to turn to make things right. She just wanted to have Leonard to hold her so she could just cry.

Time had become meaningless, she just ran things, that had happened, over and over in her mind. Bernadette was right, it was her fault and now she had lost Leonard, again. She was not a good girlfriend, she was more of a bitch and all she ever did was hurt Leonard. Maybe he was better off without her, maybe she didn't deserve him, but she wanted him and she loved him. 'I love you Leonard. Please come back.' she thought, 'I'm so sorry. Please come back.'

'What is wrong with me?' Why do I do these things?' She kept telling herself. She wanted so much to understand, so she could fix it, why couldn't she fix it. Penny was trying to understand, she had never had to deal with a man like Leonard, one who totally loved her and thought of her before himself. Leonard, made her realize what love really was and now she understood that no man had really ever loved her before him. It scared her, because she realized that before with other guys, it was really just a game, with Leonard it was very serious, it was forever. Forever was a very scary word to her, nothing in her life had been forever, she was afraid, could she could do forever?

Unable to find a solution to her problems, her mind began wander, she thought about her plans for her life and how Leonard fit in them. She thought how she had come to Pasadena with big plans, she was a pretty young teenage girl and she thought that alone would make her a success just because she wanted it to happened. Kurt, at the time, had been her shiny white knight who whisked her off to Pasadena and stardom. The only problem was Kurt was a black knight not a white knight and she didn't know before she could hope to be a star, she needed to be a waitress. She remembered how her time with Kurt, had made her feel insignificant and she almost went home, but when she found him with another girl, she got mad and tired again on her own. Moving into this apartment had been one of the smartest things she ever did, and meeting Leonard and Sheldon was a life changing event. Leonard had really changed her life, the first time she saw him he was so cute and kind, she immediately felt safe with him. She thought about the first time she really kissed him, it sent shivers through her body and she surprised herself because she really wanted him that night, and that scared her. She had wanted him, in some way, ever since, and when he went away for three months she remembered the loneliness and she knew she really cared for him, more than a friend. She had been so stupid before when she broke up with him, he had gone to Priya for love and it made her miserable, she was so happy when they broke up. She should have asked him out and not waited for him, she thought why did she not do that, she couldn't understand why she didn't do that. Was it because, as a friend she still had him but she was safe from commitment, she shook her head and she thought 'Was it?'

'She was getting nowhere.' she thought, 'I still don't know what to do.' 'How do I get Leonard back.' kept going through her mind. 'What do I do?' She felt so helpless, she needed to talk to someone, again, she wanted to talk to…Leonard!. I will try and be better she thought but he needs to come back. What if he goes back to the apartment, to his room, and what if he is there now and doesn't want to see me, how will I know, ran through her mind! 'He just can't leave my life, not like this!' she thought because she realized there was one thing that scared her more than committing for forever, it was right now loosing Leonard forever.

Leonard woke up in his desk chair to a dark office and night outside his window. He didn't know what time it was or really didn't care. He hoped it was really late because he had convinced himself he needed to go back to the apartment and he didn't want to see anyone. His last thoughts, before he fell asleep earlier, was that he had to leave Pasadena and try to start his life over, because this wasn't working. His only problem to this great plan was he still hadn't figured out how he was going to go on without Penny.

Howard, Bernadette, Amy and Sheldon sat and ate takeout in Sheldon's apartment, Raj and Stuart were trying to pick up girls that night, at a club, so it just left the couples. Everyone there was very quiet and were very conscious that there was more than enough food there for Penny and Leonard, too. Bernadette and Amy knew most of what happened, that day, but they ate in complete silence and Howard knew not to ask any questions. After they ate, some words were said during the clean up, but otherwise the night continued with some small talk between Howard and Sheldon, punctuated with long periods of silence. Sheldon suggested they watch one of his favorite science fiction movies and no one objected, so they just sat and stared at the TV. Bernadette scooted closer to Howard, half way through the movie, and Howard knew something was really bothering her, so he just put his arms around her for comfort.

Sheldon was getting all he wanted in a guys and girls night, watching the movie he wanted, eating the regular food he liked and no silly conversation, it was great but the silence was starting even to get to him. He had tried to lighten things up with a interesting piece of information or story several times, but each time Bernadette, Howard and Amy just stared at him and didn't say anything. He couldn't believe it but he was actually missing their tedious conversation, because the silence was unsettling.

The movie was almost over when they heard a knock at the apartment door and Penny walked in. She stopped and stood there a moment, looking at them, not saying a word, then she resumed her walk through the living room to Leonard's room. She was wearing her robe and carrying her pillow, looking like she was ready for bed and they heard Leonard's door open then close. Sheldon was the first to react.

"What is Penny doing. That was rude for her just to walk in and go to Leonard's room." he said with just a hint of anger.

"Let her go Sheldon, drop it." Bernadette told him

"Sheldon, Bernadette is right. Leave it alone." Amy reassured him.

"But this is my apartment. She just can't waltz in here and…" he didn't get to finish.

"Sheldon it is social convention when you friend and girlfriend are have problems, and trying to fix them, that you stand back and let them do what they need to do." Amy told him.

"Leonard and Penny are getting back together!" Sheldon said with a little surprise.

"Maybe." Bernadette stated and then quietly to only Howard, "I'll tell you later." as she squeezed his hand.

Sheldon didn't know what to say or do, social convention was social convention, and the girls seemed to understand this all, so he just said, "All right." Amy just smiled at him.

"Well we probably need to go. Goodnight Amy, Sheldon." Bernadette stated.

"Me too." Amy stated, then added, "Thank you for a wonderful day Sheldon."

Sheldon has a very small smile on his face, probably only Amy recognized, "Your welcome, Amy Farrah Fowler, drive carefully home."

Amy, Bernadette and Howard walked down the stairs together and Howard made sure Amy got safely to her car. Amy got in her car then looked at Bernadette.

"Will they get back together?" she asked.

Bernadette just stood and thought for a moment, "I don't know Amy, I just don't know."

Amy said goodbye and left, Howard and Bernadette got in their car and started to drive home.

"Ok, you are killing me here, what is happening between Leonard and Penny?" Howard asked.

"It is sort of a long story." she said

"I've got all night." he responded

Bernadette smiled for the first time tonight, "Ok, remember when I told you Penny was thinking of breaking up with Leonard six months ago, well….." They talked all the way home.

Leonard walked into his dark apartment about midnight. After he had woke up in his office, he had walked to a coffee shop near campus to kill time and sat there till he felt that everyone was asleep, to make sure he didn't run into anyone when he got home. He caught a cab back and went up the stairs with a little apprehension, hoping that he didn't run into anyone he knew. He really didn't know what he was going to do tomorrow, but tonight he didn't think he have to face anyone, which made going home bearable. He moved as quietly as he could so to not wake up Sheldon, who actually heard everything but obeyed Amy's wish to stay out of it. Leonard opened his door and turned on the light and saw something he never expected to see again in his life, Penny was in his bed and she was opening her eyes to look at him.

Leonard's mind screamed, 'NO', and his knees suddenly felt weak. He was paralyzed, stuck between falling down, crying, and running away again. He had just gotten strong enough to come home, he was not prepared to see her, especially in his bed.

The light woke up Penny, who was in a light sleep, and seeing Leonard standing there instantly brought her wide awake. Leonard's face was so full of sadness and despair, she even saw what she thought was a tear in his eye, and she knew she had done this to him. He was hurting so bad, she got up on her knees in the bed and looked into his eyes, "Leonard, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."

Leonard couldn't do this, he couldn't deal with this situation, it was overwhelming to him, so he turned and walked out of the bedroom. He slowly walked to the living room, sat on the couch and put his head in his hands.

Penny knelt there for a couple seconds, trying to figure what to do. This was much worse that she had thought it would be. The expression on his face, she had never see him look like that before. She got up and went to follow him then saw his form sitting on the couch. She sat next to him and put her arm around him, he felt cold and shivered when she touch him.

"Leonard, I love you, I'm so sorry." she said softly to him

It was very quiet for a few seconds, then,

"I can't do this." he moaned

She held her breathe trying to understand what he was saying.

'Please, I can't do this now, Please!" he sounded like he was going to cry.

She started to realize what he was saying, he couldn't talk to her and her being there was hurting him. Penny was heart broken, she had made him this way, she had no choice she had to do what he wanted, she couldn't push him. She took her arm off him, he didn't move, she kept telling herself she had to get up, but her legs didn't want to work, she didn't want to leave. She finally willed her legs to move and slowly stood up, and walked towards the door, looking at him the whole time. He never moved.

Penny left Leonard's and went to her apartment, she was having a little trouble breathing, so after she closed her door she just leaned back against it to try and calm herself. Her apartment seemed so dark and cold, she felt so alone. She slowly pushed off from the door and walked to her bedroom, crawled into bed, buried herself deep into the cold covers, and cried.

Leonard had basically given up, when she had her arm around him. While he sat there, unable to move, he had heard her say she loved him and she was sorry, but she could have said anything, he was unable to resist anything she did right. It had just hurt so much to be around her right now, he just couldn't be around her. He sat there a long time, after she left, until he felt he could move again, then he went to bed. He laid on the bed, basically gone mentally, and he really didn't care what happen next to him.