Chapter 9: Rivers and Roads- The Head and The Heart
Nothing is as it had been, and I miss your face like hell. And I guess it's just as well, but I miss your face like hell. Rivers and Roads, Rivers and Roads, Rivers till I reach you.
The phone rang as Lois slightly jumped up. She and Chris were cuddled together on the couch watching a Charlie Brown movie. She quickly picked up the phone after the third ring, "Hello?"
"So I thought one of the perks of having a boyfriend was to not be alone on New Years and what do you know, Ollie has been called for duty tonight so I am sitting home alone with Chinese food." Chloe said with a sad tone.
Lois smiled through the phone, "Aw I'm sorry sweetie. I'm sure Ollie will make it home in time before midnight. If you want you can come over and have a Star Wars marathon with your favorite nephew and cousin?"
Chloe chuckled on the phone, "I'm all the way in Star City cuz. Its okay I'm having a blast with myself. Turns out I'm not too bad company." She said ever so sarcastically.
Chuckling on her side Lois replied, "You most certainly are not."
After a few moments of silence, Chloe spoke up, "Anyways I just wanted to talk. So what are your plans for tonight?"
"Nothing really. Chris and I are having movie marathons and in about 45 minutes he's most likely going to fall asleep and then it's off to bed for the both of us."
"Sounds like the perfect way to end the year."
Lois hugged her son close to her as he leaned against her, his eyes glued to the screen, "I couldn't have thought of anyone else to end it with." She paused for a while, "I got all choked up with all the New Year's celebration going on TV and... I don't know it made me think of Clark and..." She stopped talking as she looked down, pulling on a string that came off the afghan, unable to talk about it anymore and Chloe sensed her sadness.
"Hey." She called out softly through the phone.
"Hmm?"
Chloe grinned, "I love you Lois Lane."
Lois nodded, "I know." She spoke in a soft whisper.
"I'll see you next year."
Lois chuckled, "Happy New Year cuz." With that, they both hung up. Lois continued watching the movie with Chris. She barely concentrated on the movie as her mind wandered elsewhere. She looked down at her son who looked back up at her grinning while grabbing his foot, wearing his footie pajamas, "It's just me and you kid."
Chris pointed at the TV, "Movie done." he squealed out.
Lois looked back at the TV and smirked to herself, "Looks like it is kiddo. I didn't even notice."
"Again!" He yelped while standing on the couch, bouncing up and down.
Chuckling, Lois gently pulled him back down to sit, "No more Chris. It's time for bed."
Shaking his head, Chris slid off the couch and went to play with his new toys, "No bed."
"Yes Chris. You can't be up all night."
"No ma!" He pouted as Lois rolled her eyes at her stubborn son. She walked towards the window as she looked out to the city. It was filled with bright lights and people wandering down the streets celebrating. In the midst of it all, Lois simply looked up at the stars and the snow falling from the black sky. She wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes, taking in a deep, unsteady breath. Her heart began to ache again as a familiar feeling of loneliness overcame her. She turned back to watch her son crush his cars together, she decided to do something she hadn't done in a year.
Walking over to Chris, she bent down, "Hey baby you want to go for a drive outside?"
Nodding rapidly, Chris yelped up, "Ya!"
Lois grinned widely and shared his enthusiasm, she swung him up in her arms as he giggled, "Alright let's get you bundled up. We don't want you to catch a cold now do we?"
"No" He said shaking his head.
Chuckling, Lois wrapped him in his warm winter jacket and put on some shoes for him, once he was ready; she put on her own jacket and picked him up, heading out the door. She drove down the streets of Metropolis as they sat in traffic. She watched the people walking down the streets drunk and celebrating with their friends and family. Every few minutes, she looks up at the rear view mirror to look back at her son looking out the window at all the hiatus and the tears fill her eyes once again. She didn't know why she was here. She didn't know what led her to come to this very place on New Year's Eve with her son. But she had never missed him more than right at this very moment. And she just had to see him again. Be around him. Picking Chris up from his car seat, Lois began walking towards the gold statue in the shape of Superman. She stood in front of it for a few moments and took a deep breath; every step was like walking through fire for her. It was painful, but she had to get to the other side. Once she finally entered the mausoleum, she walked towards the single casket that was placed in the middle of the room. It was safely secured in the white marble room, surrounded by a variety of flowers. She was alone in the mausoleum as the silence was incredible she can hear her own breathing. Lois took a few more steps further and stopped in front of his casket. A sob was rising in her chest and she tried to compose herself.
Holding Chris in one arm, her other hand went towards the casket where his body was thought to be resting in. Her fingertips brushed the smooth ruby red wood. Her palm laid flat against the casket as she heard her own breathing heighten.
Chris looked down at his mother and copied her action as he placed his own palm on the wood. Lois watched as his tiny hand playfully slapped the casket. Lois sighed and spoke in a quite whisper, "Hi Clark... it's me." Taking a deep, unsteady breath, Lois put down her son as he stood beside her, watching her intently. Lois put both hands against the casket and closed her eyes, standing patiently in silence. Soon after, she spoke softly, "From the second everyone told me you were gone, my heart sank. I couldn't move, I couldn't think. And now that I've managed to move, all I can think about is you. All the good that you have done for this world and how much you had to pay for it... You have never made any decisions for yourself, you've done it all for me, and for your family." A single tear fell down her cheek, "Clark" she pleaded, "I know it's been over a year, but I still can't believe it. I can not... believe that I have to explain the concept of death to our little boy. That I have to help him go on without you and I'm not sure if I can do that." She swallowed hard before continuing, fighting with herself, refusing to break down, "Because I can't go on without you. Your mom says that I have to have faith in myself and that I'm gonna be okay... but I... I don't know if I can do this without you... I don't know if I can do this alone anymore..." Lois began to gently stroke the smooth surface of the casket with her hand, wanting to touch him so badly, "You had so much more to live for. Your son needs you. I need you" She looked back at her son, who stood a few feet away from her, picking at the rose pedals nearby, she turned back and spoke even softly so that he couldn't hear her, even though he wouldn't understand, she didn't want him to see her like this, "Chris needs to know about the wonderful, selfless, humble, strong man you are. He needs to know this about his father I can't just tell him stories... he needs his father." Sadness overwhelming her, Lois bowed her head down as the tears fell down her cheeks, "I can't hear that you'll never come home again. That I'll never learn something new about you again, never experience your selflessness, your love, your warm touch again. Clark... please, have we really had our last conversation? Our last kiss? Was that day I saw you fighting Doomsday the last time you ever got to hold me, the last time I ever got to touch you? I know I can't say this. I know I can't put you up there, but I need you to be a god for me Clark. I need you to be god... and come back to me. I need you to come back to life Clark. This can't be it. This can't be the end of Lois and Clark, I just need you here... with me... right now..." Her voice trailed off as all her moral senses were thrown out the window. Twenty one months of being strong for her son, putting on a brave face, none of that mattered anymore, she allowed herself to really feel it. Really feel her loss. Lois fell to the cold marble floor and wept in her hands. Sobbing and crying continuously, she didn't notice her son was standing in front of her until he put his hands on hers, pulling them away from her face. She looked back at the confused expression on his face as he saw his mother really crying for the first time.
Sensing her distress, Chris dropped to the floor in a sitting position and Lois watched his face scrunch up as he burst out in tears, crying endlessly in front of her. Suddenly, her voice of reason came back to her. She found out how much in denial she was in as she watched her son cry in front of her from seeing his mother crying. This was exactly what she didn't want. She didn't want her son to ever feel the same pain she had, and now it was too late. She had brought in that emptiness in his life by watching her be in pain. Chris knew his mommy was sad. He knew this strange place they were in was making her sad, and it will be embedded in his head that something was missing in his life. Lois suddenly snapped out of it and wiped her tears from her face with the sleeve of her jacket. She wrapped her arms around Chris and hugged him tightly, "I'm so sorry Chris. I'm so sorry. D-Don't cry baby, Mommy's not sad anymore. Please don't be sad honey." She pulled him away to face her as he began to hiccup from the heavy sobs, "Look mommy's not sad anymore!" She said cheerfully and grinned at him widely. He suddenly stopped crying and watching his mother smiling at him and kissing him all over his face. "Mommy's not sad. I'm okay. And you're okay. We're both okay." She continued to grin at him and in time, he began to grin back at her. She hugged him tightly and picked him up, stroking his dark hair. She turned back to the casket and spoke in a husky tone, "Happy New Year's Clark." She turned to her son who was looking down at the casket, "Say bye to daddy Chris. Can you say bye-bye?" She took his hand and waved down to the casket.
"Bi-bi" He said and Lois walked out of the mausoleum as her eyes glistened to the sound of the midnight bells and the cheering from afar, feeling truly lonely as the new year began.
Once she had left the mausoleum, Lois continued to drive while Chris was sound asleep in the back. Only this time she didn't go back to her home in Metropolis. She went back to Smallville. To her real home. She had turned off the engine and picked up Chris in her arms, who didn't like being disturbed from his slumber as he began to fuss and cry. Lois made soothing noises which made him fall back asleep. Once inside the Kent House, she gently tucked him in his bed she had gotten in Clark's room. Lois walked out of the room, closing the door behind her and walked downstairs to the den. Sitting on the carpet in front of the fireplace, with her back resting against the couch; she flipped the pages of her wedding album. Smiling down at the pictures, she pulled out a picture of her and Clark, having their first dance on the dance floor. He was looking down at her with so much love; Lois placed her finger against his face and brought it to her lips. Tears continued to fall down her cheeks as she tried to be quiet as to not wake up Chris. Her sobs continued to grow. Her heart literally felt like it was being shattered into a million pieces. Unable to take it anymore, Lois shut the wedding album and threw it away from her a few feet away. That was a memory she would only have in her head. Clark wasn't with her anymore to remind her of how much he loved her. She only had the memories in her head, pictures, and videos... but it wasn't enough.
She walked towards the barn, with the baby monitor in her hand. His loft was a place where she barely visited anymore. Standing in the middle of the barn, she closed her eyes, remembering dancing in his arms under the disco ball. The first time he told her he loved her. Wrapping her arms around herself, Lois rocked back and forth, hoping if she closed her eyes long enough, he would appear in front of her, and this would all be a dream. Only in her dreams, he was alive, and living their beautiful life together raising their son. Lois' hands covered her mouth and she broke down again. No one ever saw this side of Lois Lane. Not Bruce, not Oliver, not Chloe, not even Martha. They all thought she had it all together. She was the selfless, strong mother. She appeared to be that way in front of them. Happy go lucky, enthusiastic about Christmas trees and laughing at Oliver dressed up as Santa. Yes. Lois Lane seemed like she was handling the death of her husband very well. She seemed to be moving on with life. But when she was alone, Lois Lane was far from alright. When she was alone, she took off her disguise and relives her last moments with Clark every single day. She didn't want to do it anymore. She didn't want to cry and have her heart broken every morning she woke up, thinking her dream was a reality. She thought the bruise would go away but it hasn't. She just wants Clark. Clutching her chest, Lois looked up to the loft and the telescope that was pointing towards the stars. She walked up the stairs and gently touched the telescope, looking up to the stars; she felt the cool night breeze brush across her face. Tucking at the chain around her neck, she pulled it out, looking back at the diamond ring hanging from the necklace. No one knew she wore her engagement ring around her neck every day. Bringing the ring to her lips, she closed her eyes, "I miss you Clark." She whispered. Turning around, Lois heard the floor board creek against her foot. After much contemplation, her curiosity got the best of her as she bent down and pulled out the loose floorboard. Before her, she saw a black box. Gently picking it up, her hands shook as she opened the box to reveal all things Kryptonian. All of Clark's special possessions were in there. The key to the Fortress, the key to the Phantom zone, a led box containing the meteor rocks, green, black, and silver, a crystal from the fortress, the Kryptonian dagger used to destroy Zod, a silver Kryptonian bracelet that resembled one that Kara had. Lois looked at all of his possessions and noticed another black box inside this one. Lifting the box out, Lois was about to open the lid, but stopped abruptly when she heard her son stirring in his sleep through the baby monitor. Lois put everything away, but brought the unopened box with her back to the house. Once she had arrived inside, she went straight upstairs as she watched her son, tossing and turning in his sleep. She bent down next to him and gently stroked his face with her finger, when he continued stirring, Lois ran her fingers gently through his hair, which soothed him and soon stopped moving and slept peacefully. Sitting on the floor cross legged next to his crib, Lois hesitated before opening the black box, looking back at her own reflection against the silver-plated polyhedron. Turning it over, Lois noticed two markings on each side of it. She knew what it was; she just never knew Clark still had it. "I thought you were destroyed..." She said to herself. She watched the two sides of the Kryptonian engraving that read the mark of Transference. Slowly standing up, Lois clutched the mirror box in her hands. It was shaking in her grasp as she held it tightly, boring her eyes into it. He still existed on the other side of this box. There was a possibility of seeing him again. Clark was still alive in that other world. They can be together again. She knew what this box can do... and she knew how to use it. Question is would she? Her eyes drifted back to her sleeping son, and then back to the mirror box.
It wasn't logic. It was love. Beyond all reasons of doubt and her instincts screaming at her to reconsider what she was about to do, her heart ached for Clark. She needed to see him again. She needed him. And with that in mind, Lois took the silver puzzle box in both hands, and turned it to complete the Kryptonian symbol engraved on it as it began to glow.
I know I left you guys in a pretty big cliffhanger but all the other chapters didn't have one so this is a well deserved one:) only thing is that I'm still working on the next chapter so it will take some time before I update again:) Stay tunedd;) Please leave your reviews!
