'Nothing…'
'Tasha… You had Christian here… you had wine… your hair is in a mess, your dress is crumpled, you are crying… and you say you didn't do anything? Are you kidding me?' Monica folds her arm across her chest and stares blankly at me. Yes she is right… who am I kidding… myself?
'We just…'
'You did it!?' Monica cuts me.
'No I didn't!'
'Then? Just make out? Did he touch you?' I nod…
'Oh Tasha… I don't know if I should feel happy for you or sad for you.'
'I am just confused…'
'Ok… lets eat first.'
'No.. I'
'Shut up… you can't think if you are hungry.'
Monica darts to my kitchen and fills two plates full of food that I have cooked, to enjoy delicious dinner with Karthi. She hands me a plate… I just can't eat .. I have to wash up… wash away Christian's touch.
'I will be back. I place the plate on the coffee table and stroll to my room. I strip off double quick time and enter my bath. I have a full length mirror in my bath. I examine myself … there is a tiny red mark on my left breast… Christian's bite mark. It is sore… but deliciously sore. I touch the red mark.. and Christian's face flashes across my mind. I step into the hot shower and I felt my whole body is burning… burning from Christian's touch… I want more… more of his touch… which I have never felt before…
'Anastasia.. again.. You need to be loved… not left like this.'
'You enjoyed my touch…'
Christian's words echoed my mind…. Yes.. I enjoyed his touch… I want to be loved.. but I want to be touched and loved by Karthi…
I squeeze my tea tree scrub on the sponge and leather it all over me.. my whole body is sensitive to my own touch.. this is very new to me. After washing off, I dry myself and wear my sweats and tshirt. I walk out to see Monica has made herself comfortable in the living and watching sitcom. She turn towards me when she hears my steps.
'Hey… come.. sit.' She says softly.
I sit and started eating mechanically… my mind is just numb. I can't think of anything except Christian. Monica is kind enough not to ask me any question. My phone starts singing the tune I have set for Karthi… It is a Tamil song - Translated
Dews on the heat
Wavering mind
Rain drops searching for flowers
All these became her traits
Eye brows are separate
Sleep went for freeze
Why do want hurdles now
which of the breeze makes the flowers blossom
which of the angel moments would open the mind
can feel little pain in the mind
calmed by your glance
get out of shell which is acting like a scar on moon
We used to meet in dreams - some times or many times
We used to walk in twilight, dont u remember?
Is the waves trying to break the shores?
Would the light house guide the wavering minds?
Your waves hit me and took me to shores in the dreams.
Darn….
'Helo?'
'Ana… I am at the immigration.. I will be crossing the border shortly.'
'Right… what time you will be back tomorrow?'
'Not sure… When are you flying out again?'
'Tomorrow after midnight. To..'
'Fine… I will see you after you are back if I can't make it by tomorrow night.'
'Ok… I…'
'Bye' click.
I toss the phone to my side… he didn't even bother to listen to what I want to say. He didn't even ask where I am flying to… He used to be very interested in what I do. He checks on me al lthe time… he wants to know what I am doing even if I am overseas… but lately… he has been ignoring me… saying busy with work. He used to be busy with work before this.. I let a huge sigh. Monica has been watching me quietly all this while and I know she wants to know what is happening. I quietly finished my dinner, did the dishes, pour another glass of wine for myself and one for Monica and sit at the living. The very seat that I spent intimately with Christian an hour ago. Even the seat smells Christian.
'Are you ready?' Monica asks.
'Yes…'
'Tell me.. what happened.'
I iterate everything that happened between me and Christian. I also included that Karthi ditched me for dinner and going to Johor. Monica listened quietly and after I finished she just nod quietly.
'Tasha… I am not sure if this is what you want to hear… but from what I have seen and just heard, I think you should reconsider your decision… about you getting engaged to Karthi.'
'I love Karthi, Monica… I love him with all my heart… it is just that he is not making me feel wanted… I get that feeling with Christian but I feel like I am cheating Karthi… betraying his trust.. his love.'
'Yes.. I understand what you are saying here… but now you are torn between this two man and from what I can see, you prefer Chrsitian's company then Karthi.'
'THAT IS SO NOT TRUE!' I shout
'That is true… if you don't like having Christian around, then why you did not slam the door to his face? Why did you start pouring to him? Why did you even let him touch you?'
I start absorbing Monica's words. She continues, 'I have known you for over three years… and I know you never ever got attracted to any man… no one.. nada… but with Christian… you did admit you are attracted… you should think again.'
'Monica.. you are not helping.'
'Tasha… you can't expect me to say something that you want to hear… I can only say something that I can see… I can say what you want to hear… Forget Christian… marry Karthi… live your life Christian free… but that is not going to help.'
I nod… Monica has a point… I am trying to get her to say something my rational mind wants to hear… not my heart … my heart wants to hear – Take Christian… go with him… spend time with him.. Darn my heart … I gulp down my wine faster then I intend to and place the glass on the coffee table. I rest my head against the headrest closing my eyes and sit cross-legged.
'Tasha… you have been sitting for the last half an hour… nothing is going to change…' Monica stops as my phone rings.
'Hello' I said blankly without even checking who is calling.
'Anastasia…'
'Christian?'
'How are you?'
'Not fine…'
'Why?'
'You… you have confused me.. I don't like such feeling… Will you do me a favour?'
'What Anastasia…'
'Please don't try to call me… or see me… ever again.'
'Anastasia…'
'Christian… look.. Thank you for showing me how good it is to be loved and touched… but I can't continue with this. I can't betray Karthi.'
'Fine… but Anastasia…'
'What'
'You will find me.. you will want me.' His voice was smooth as velvet and it is also seductive. I just have to control myself.
'If I want you… I will find you. Now.. Please.. Don't call me.'
'Fine Anastasia.. Take care.. I will see you soon. But it will be you coming to me. Good bye baby.'
I end the call. I look at Monica.
'Is that what you want?'
'Yes… I want my life with Karthi. It is a peaceful life which I have been waiting for and I won't loose it for some guy who randomly appeared out of thin air and confuse me.'
'Ok… Tasha.. this is your decision. But honey… when you said you can't continue seeing Christian.. or don't want to see him again, even I was not convinced. Your voice was not convicing. I bet he would have said that you will come to him.. soon.'
Huh.. How the hell? 'Yes..'
'Dear Tasha… listen… your voice was not convincing, that alone is enough to make him think that you would go to him… and I can say.. It is soon.'
'What ever…' and my phone rings again. I bet it is Christian again. I am not going to answer the damn phone.
'Aren't you going to answer?'
'No…'
Monica sighs and picks up.
'Helo..'
