"Merlin! Merlin, what's wrong?"
Merlin looked up. It was Gaius. Merlin wanted to be angry with him for sending Gwaine away, but he couldn't manage it. If there was anyone to be angry with, it was Gwaine, and he was doing a good job of being furious right now.
"Merlin, you're crying."
Merlin hadn't noticed the tears running down his face, but now he felt them, hot and salty, and wiped them away in shame.
"Gwaine's found a house in the Middle Town."
"Aren't you pleased?"
"Pleased?" Merlin sputtered, "Pleased that he doesn't want to see me anymore? He said he was getting out of my way. He thinks we need some time alone."
"But if he got a house… That's not what I…"
"You did speak to him, didn't you?"
"Yes. But I didn't tell him to leave. I told him I'd spoken to you, and it would put my mind at rest if he showed he could be dependable, and that he could be trusted for the future."
"And he shows that by getting away from me?" Merlin cried.
"Merlin, I never meant for you to be apart. I only wanted Gwaine to show me he was good enough for you. You must believe me."
"I believe you. It's alright, Gaius. It isn't you. It's him. He's jumped the ship. The moment he had to be responsible, he ran away. You were right. He never really cared about me. Not enough to actually be accountable for his actions for once."–'"
Gaius was appalled.
"So he has despoiled you and abandoned you? I will not allow for such behaviour. Surely he must be cast out. He is already banished – we must be able to make sure it happens properly this time."
"No," said Merlin, "Don't. Please. He hasn't broken any laws."
"I understand that it is not an easy thing to admit, but Gwaine must be punished."
"He never made any promises to me. He never told me he cared about me. He never laid a hand on me."
"But –"
"It's only my feelings that have been hurt, and nothing else. We were never together, Gaius."
"But you have – been together?"
"No. He never touched me."
"You can't ask me to deny the evidence of my own eyes."
Merlin finally accepted that he couldn't, and he wasn't going to be able to convince Gaius. He didn't try to anymore. It wasn't so bad – Gaius had told him his thoughts on it. It changed things, but not irreconcilably. It was just something Merlin was going to have to live with.
"Gwaine's done nothing wrong," he said pleadingly, "Please, don't say anything. Not to him, not to anyone. I can't bear for anyone to know. You'll keep it secret. Won't you?"
Gaius sighed.
"I will."
He embraced Merlin, and the boy felt his heart unravel.
"Whatever happens, Merlin," said Gaius, holding him at arm's length, "I want you to know that I will always love you as my own son. I never had a wife or children – that part of life passed me by – but if I did, I would be proud to call you mine."
"Gaius…"
"Gaius?"
A voice called out from the shadows of the street, its owner hidden by the night.
"Yes," said Gaius, "Who is it?"
A figure drew nearer. It was an old woman, her clothes tattered, a scarf pulled over her head.
"Are you alright?" asked Gaius, as she hobbled closer.
She stopped as she reached the old man.
"Much better for seeing you again," she said, and threw the scarf off her head.
"Alice! Oh, Alice!"
They laughed and hugged one another, and suddenly their life was back in them, and they were young again.
"You are well?" Gaius asked, "Is everything alright? You aren't ill, are you? Or hurt? I heard many were injured by Cenred's army. You weren't one of them, were you?"
"No, no, I'm fine," said Alice, laughing, "Don't worry. What about you?"
"I'm well, thankyou. Oh, Alice. I never thought I'd see you again."
"That does keep happening to us."
"But why are you back in Camelot? It's dangerous for you to be here."
"I have Merlin to thank," Alice smiled, nodding at the boy, "He came to find me. He said I was wanted here."
"Merlin rode out to find you?" Gaius asked.
"With his handsome knight," said Alice.
Merlin was defensive.
"He's not mine."
And now he never will be. Alice gave him a look.
"He was when I spoke to him."
Merlin remembered something from his visit to Fangtt.
"Is that what you were talking about when I went to fetch your basket?"
"You eavesdropped?"
Merlin shifted from foot to foot.
"No… I just overheard a little as I was coming back. You said something about secrets, but I didn't hear any more. What did he say?"
"Perhaps you should ask him."
The boy shook his head sadly.
"I can't speak to him now. Things have – changed."
"Love doesn't just fly away overnight," said Alice adamantly.
I think it does. Then Merlin realised something.
"Love?"
"Yes. It was obvious he loved you. He only needed a little pressing to admit it. He seemed a little scared of me, so I think that helped."
"Wait – he said he loved me?" Merlin asked, finding it hard to believe.
The old woman nodded. Gwaine loves me? Or loved me.
"He… never told me that," said Merlin, a little dazed.
"It's not an easy thing to say, Merlin," said Gaius, holding Alice's hands protectively.
"If he loved you then, why shouldn't he now?" Alice asked.
Merlin thought about it. He couldn't think of a good reason. Things had been going well for them. They'd had fun together (though sadly not that much), even pushed the boundaries of physical contact a little. Was kissing Arthur under the mistletoe so bad that it destroyed all of that? How could a moment ruin months of friendship, and weeks of treading the lines between that and love? It can't. Love lasts. Alice and Gaius were living proof of that. Even after twenty years apart, they still loved one another. They'd never given up hope that one day, they'd find each other again. Gwaine can't have given up on me just yet. Merlin had thought he'd given up on Gwaine, angrily said that this was the end for them, but that wasn't true. It couldn't be. I love him, thought Merlin, the idea making him catch his breath, I really love him. Gwaine was loyal and honest, brave and kind, and without him, Merlin would probably lead a quiet life. But he didn't want to. Gwaine was fun. He brightened Camelot up, especially in these dark times, and it meant a lot to Merlin that he could make him smile even when things looked bleak. He was a reassuring presence, a strong friend. And Merlin loved him. He knew it now, though it had taken him so long to discover. Merlin wanted him and needed him and loved him.
"You're right," he said.
"Then go after him," Alice said, "Go on."
Merlin nodded, and took a deep breath.
"Wish me luck," he said, and sped off.
What am I doing? Merlin thought, as he waded through the thick crowds. Everyone had come out onto the street. Merlin even saw Uther. True, he was only sitting weakly on a chair, but he was talking to some of the knights, and joining them in the celebration. Music filled the air. Drummers struck out a bold rhythm that mimicked that of Merlin's heart. The common people danced, flirting and laughing with their partners, whilst nobles stood resplendent in their silks and jewels, watching proceedings with a detached pride. All around was noise, raucous chatter blended with the high notes of the flute, the clatter of feet and the tuneless song of the drunks. I have no idea, he realised, and that thought scared and thrilled him with equal measure.
Finally he saw a familiar face in the crowd, and made his way towards it.
"Merlin!" Lancelot called, as he caught sight of him.
The knight was sat on a crate at the side of the street with Percival, where they had a good view of the dancing.
"Where did you get to?" Lancelot asked.
"Oh, I was with Gaius. But an old friend of his has come to Camelot to see him now, so I got away."
"We've been watching Leon and Elyan dancing," said Lancelot, "Look."
He pointed to the knights, who had been seized by two of the castle maids intent on getting their hands on a man in uniform. The maids were looking far happier than Sir Leon, who was inanely struggling through the dance, and Elyan was looking even happier than them, as he was laughing at Leon's valiant attempts to keep up.
"How come you're not joining in?" Merlin asked.
"This is too funny to miss!"
Merlin didn't quite believe him. He knew he was still missing Gwen. But he couldn't have her now – she had shown her loyalty to Arthur. Their affection for one another was obvious.
"Do you know where Gwaine is?" Merlin asked casually.
"Looking for you, I think."
Looking for me? That had to be a good sign. Unless he wants me to help him move out.
"I wanted to dance," said Percival who had only just caught up with Merlin's first question, "But no-one asked me."
"Percival, the man's supposed to ask the lady," Merlin explained.
"Oh. I never knew that!"
Merlin wasn't surprised.
"See those girls over there?" he said, pointing to a cluster of the creatures standing on the edge of things, looking rather forlorn, "Why don't you go ask one of them? Same goes for you, Lancelot. There's not a girl here who doesn't like the look of you."
The group of girls were a mixed lot – among them were a few who were plain and hadn't been asked to dance, one who was pretty and didn't want to dance, and some younger ones who were being taken care of by their older sisters, rather excited after all the sugar they'd just eaten, and one little girl, who could have only been about eight, tugging at her sister's sleeve, desperate to join in.
Lancelot cuffed him on the shoulder.
"I'm not what they're looking for," he said bashfully.
"Hmm?" said Merlin, giving him a look.
Lancelot's expression changed.
"What? Do you think I'm – handsome?"
Merlin grinned impishly.
"You're gorgeous. Go get 'em."
The young man hesitated.
"Go!" said Merlin, pushing him in the girls' direction.
The whole group's countenance instantly changed as Lancelot approached. The girls smiled sweetly and batted their eyelashes, but it was the youngest of all, the little girl who wanted to dance but whose sister had said was too young, who he asked to dance. Merlin smiled as he gallantly led her onto the dancefloor. She was bursting with excitement, and evidently taken with this gracious knight. It was very sweet. All the girls are going to want Lancelot after this. Handsome, brave, and caring. He'll be fighting them off. Getting Lancelot to dance, even if it was only with a little girl, was a step in the right direction, away from Guinevere. It did him no good to dwell on the past. He should be having fun without her. And it did not go unnoticed by Merlin that the little girl's sister was the pretty lass who had refused all her would-be partners.
Honestly, what am I, a good Samaritan? Merlin certainly had found himself trying to fix everyone's problems this Yuletide. The whole celebration had been to bring some fun to Camelot, and now he'd supported Gwen and Arthur, returned Gaius' lost love to him and helped Lancelot get over his ex. Is it my turn now?
"Where have you been hiding?"
Merlin turned round, and got his answer.
"Mary," he said, smiling.
That's a no then.
"Hello handsome," she said, grinning.
Oh no. Please don't ask me to dance.
"Fancy a dance, then?"
"Mary!" exclaimed Percival, ever one step behind.
The barwoman nodded a greeting to him, before turning back to Merlin expectantly.
"Well?"
An idea hit Merlin like a ton of bricks, (but thankfully not as painfully). He drew Mary to one side.
"You know, Mary, I think you're great," he told her, to her obvious enjoyment, before adding, "But I don't think I'm the one for you. I'm only a boy. I'm not strong or brave. I couldn't fight for you or protect you. You need a real man."
"Don't say that," said Mary kindly.
"Have you seen the Yule log?" asked Merlin, changing tact.
"How could I miss it? It's huge! It must have taken at least half a dozen men just to fell it."
Merlin shook his head.
"Only one."
Mary gasped.
"Who was it?"
"Our very own Sir Percival," said Merlin, leading her back to the knight.
She looked up at the tall man with fresh eyes.
"Well I never," she said, "I never knew you were so strong."
Percival smiled, confused as to what had effected this change, but pleased all the same.
"That's not all he's done," Merlin added, "Once he dislodged a great heap of rocks to block the path of Cenred's immortal men. It held them back for hours. We'd never have escaped without his help."
"What else can you do, big man?" Mary asked Percival flirtatiously.
"Well," he replied, "I can do this."
With that, he slung an arm around Mary and lifted her up, holding her in his arms. Lord. He really is strong. Having literally swept Mary off her feet, Percival carried her onto the dancefloor. They were perhaps the least coordinated couple, but at least they seemed to be having fun.
Merlin looked at his friends proudly. Well, that's them sorted out nicely. Save the best 'til last, I hope. With a newfound determination at seeing his friends' happiness, Merlin hurried through the swathes of people, searching for a certain knight. Eventually, he saw him. He was moving through the crowd, evidently looking for someone. He's looking for me, Merlin realised with a jolt.
"Gwaine!" he called, "Gwaine!"
Gwaine heard his voice, and followed it until his eyes rested on him.
"Merlin!"
They fought their way to each other.
"I've been looking for you," said Gwaine breathlessly.
"So have I."
He took Gwaine's hand.
"Come on," he said, and lead him away.
Merlin was surprised by his own boldness as he pulled Gwaine away from the crowds. He liked the feel of his hand as they weaved down the roads. His heart thumped and his feet slapped against the cobbles and his throat burned in the cold air, and he hoped that maybe, tonight, love might exist.
