A/N: ALL YOU WONDERFUL REVIEWERS, this one's for you! i was so happy with the reviews, they honestly made me smile so hard my face hurt. :) LOVE YOU ALLL THANK YOU THANK YOU! please keep the great comments and questions and feedback coming!
Chapter Nine
Falling
I can't move. I can't speak. I can hardly breathe.
I sat still on the dirt; my back leaned heavily on the trunk of a tree. My eyes are closed. Nighttime falls and an impenetrable darkness closed around me and the surrounding forest. I have to go. Charlie will worry. He seems like the only one who really would. I lifted myself tiredly and stumbled my way out of the forest.
Time to face reality.
I came in through the front door and into the living room where Charlie was seated on his usual chair, his eyes glued to the flat screen. He mumbled hello. I quietly croaked back the same.
At my tone, he looked up and I saw his face go from calm to shocked in seconds. It didn't matter. Nothing matters. I attempted to avert a confrontation and walked to the stairs as fast as my tired feet would take me but Charlie was up and blocking my way in a matter of seconds.
"What happened to you?" He squared his chest and raised his eyebrows, demanding answers.
I shrugged. "Nothing."
"Bella, you're covered in dirt and filthy, you've been gone all day…and, my god, have you been crying?"
I quickly tore my eyes away from him and looked directly on a spot on the wall behind him.
"Have not." But the clear thickness of my voice and wetness of my eyes contradicted me. Charlie pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes.
"It's him again, isn't it? If he makes you cry so much, why in god's name, are you still with him?"
He was talking about Edward. I was surprised; Edward had not crossed my mind in a while. I found that it didn't hurt to think of him. I felt nothing, in fact. It didn't matter; he didn't matter. My heart was hurting for a different man altogether, but I didn't correct Charlie. I merely sniffed pathetically.
Charlie opened his eyes. I must have looked utterly dismal because his face softened and he pulled me into him, hugging me tightly. I squeezed my eyes shut and buried my face in his t-shirt, willing myself not to cry again. They stung with tears anyway. I barely contained a sob.
"Shh, baby girl. It's gonna be alright."
He stroked my hair and held me closer as we stood awkwardly in our spot, rocking slightly. I felt completely safe in his arms, like the world and the endless hurt couldn't reach me in the arms of my father. A few tears seeped through his shirt and Charlie only held me tighter.
Finally, he pulled me off him and held me at an arm's length examining me. He sighed.
"My, Bella, you sure do look so sad these days. I guess I can't be of too much help though. But if you need me to go after that Cullen kid, I can oblige happily."
I chuckled pitiably but Charlie didn't even smile.
"Go wash up, Bella. Then get some sleep. Those rings under your eyes aren't healthy."
I sighed and nodded to Charlie before trudging up the stairs slowly. I could tell he was watching me, to see if he needed to catch me just in case I fell. What he didn't know was that I had already fallen; into a pit so deep I couldn't ever climb out. And it was because of Carlisle.
"Whatever has happened these last few days should be forgotten."
"It would be better if we did not see each other again."
"I'm sorry. Bella, it's for the best."
His words stab me repeatedly as they echo in my mind, never letting me forget the torture of today. I undress for my bath and climbed into the steaming water shakily, but it feels colder than ever. I shiver uncontrollably and my chest and head ache from the wrenching sobs from before. I try not to think of it…it only hurts more that way. Why relive the pain?
I finally let the water truly envelope me, and the heat spreads from my toes, up my spine and past my heart, where it remains frozen. I sink lower into the water and reach my toes to the other side of the tub, stretching out. My chin dips under the surface and I close my eyes, trying to wash not only the dirt, but also the memory of today away completely. The heat radiates off the water and the mirror is steamy, filled with a dense fog. My mind fogs as well, and the warmth creates a hazy cloud in my head…
I lay on the vast four-poster bed again, and the golden curtains obscure the great glass wall from my view. Something is different. This time there is no sunset light flowing into the pristine room, it is darker than imaginable outside and the room is cast in creepy shadows. The lamp flickers unreliably by the bed and an untrustworthy breeze blows out a nearby candle.
Once a palace of happiness and fertility, the room has now become a sanctuary of darkness.
I am still wearing the princess-style gown and it is still as beautiful as ever, but something feels wrong. I am alone. I can feel a seeping wetness under me and as I look down at my dress, a pool of blood extends over the sheets and my gown. It is my blood. I try to scream, but I cannot make a sound.
There is no Carlisle. I am paralyzed on the bed and the curtain ruffles of its own accord. In the distance, I can hear an angry wolf howling ferociously. I fear for my life and try to scream once more. The wolf howls again, closer this time. I yell for Carlisle now. I can finally hear my frantic voice.
"Carlisle! Carlisle! Come back, please! Carlisle…"
He never comes and I continue to bleed sickeningly.
I cannot yell anymore for water fills my lungs I can't breathe. I cough and sputter, still yelling for Carlisle. I'm suffocating….
I awoke with a cough and water flowed out of my lungs and out of my mouth. I sat up in the water abruptly and it lapped over the sides violently, creating puddles on the tile floor. I had fallen asleep; I told myself through a cough, it was only a dream…
But it had been true for the most part. Carlisle had left me in a world of darkness and lately Jacob had been nothing more than an enemy. I sighed and pulled a towel off the counter, stood up and wrapped it around me protectively. I wouldn't let anything hurt me anymore. If no one was going to be around to take care of me, I would have to do it myself.
I glanced in the mirror as I drained the tub and I cringed. I looked like a drowned puppy. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy and my hair fell dark and dripping over my pale shoulders, setting a frightening contrast. I absorbed my appearance and vowed that from here, I would not think of my former best friend or the man who had almost captured my heart. I wouldn't even think of Edward, because if the bastard hadn't left me alone again after he had promised never to, none of this shit would have happened. I finally felt something other than the emptiness and pain. I felt resentment.
I didn't know if this was worse.
I pulled my blanket around me when I crawled into my bed and turned over to face my bare window. The moon shone full and bright into my room and random stars winked at me from the sky. Though unbearably exhausted, I would not go to sleep. I couldn't risk another dream like my last…if it happened again, I wasn't sure I wouldn't break down again. I was barely holding myself together now.
The sky stayed still and black and I watched it with tired eyes. Another day was coming…a fresh start…
A figure suddenly obscured my view out the window and I gasped. There was something, or someone, sitting in my tree. I shot up in my bed and flicked on the bedside lamp, while swearing under my breath.
The figure moved and I held my breath as it reached forward to push open my window. I couldn't make out who or what it was, but it moved with grace and agility, as though it was certain it wouldn't fall or lose balance. My heart jumped to life with startling speed and the window creaked open slightly.
It was coming inside.
The window was pushed open further and I nearly fainted with the shock of seeing a familiar blonde head.
I blinked hard and when my eyes were open again, my mouth parted in shock as Carlisle Cullen kneeled by my bedside.
Neither of us spoke. I was in utter shock and he simply stayed still, drinking in the image of my face.
Carlisle moved a hand tenderly and placed it upon mine. He did not hold my hand, nor caress it, but merely held his upon it to form a link between us. The cold of his skin went up my arm but I continued to stare in shock.
I had never seen Carlisle this way before. His clothing was ruffled and messy, while his infallible blond hair fell all over the place. The constant purple bags under his eyes seemed more pronounced and his overall appearance was the shabbiest I'd ever seen him. His eyes were a flat black and dead looking, and I knew if they could, they would be wet with tears. His mouth was pulled into a thin line and his pale skin shimmered lightly in the moon's glow. This was the appearance of a man who had lost everything. My heart churned for him.
My throat was closing again with oncoming tears and I swallowed down the pain. I didn't know whether to speak. Carlisle blinked but never averted his gaze from mine.
Seconds ticked by loudly in our ears, but neither of us moved or looked away. Finally, he spoke.
"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on."
He had whispered so low, that if it hadn't been completely silent, I wouldn't have heard. I continued to stare at him, not sure if this moment was real.
"There's no point of it without you, Bella. None of it."
I found a small breath and whispered, "No point of what?"
"Life. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. Every beat of your human heart. I can't be away from you."
His voice had an edge of desperation to it. I wondered if I was dreaming.
"I'm done trying to always take the high road and doing what's right. I tried to tell myself that I could stop myself from needing you, but it was a lie, because these past few hours have been utter hell for me. All I can see in my head is you…crying. And knowing I did that."
Carlisle moved his hand away from mine and trailed it up my arm, resting it on my cheek and guided his thumb over my jaw line.
"I'm so sorry. So sorry. Forgive me."
He dropped his arm in defeat and let his head fall into my lap. His back shook with dry sobs and I used my hand to pull his head up to face me. His face was heartbreaking. My lip trembled and my voice broke.
"Carlisle. Don't. Not over me. Please."
He parted his lips and looked at me with wide eyes.
"You're the only one. Just you, Bella."
A tear falls down my cheek and I beckoned him to join me on my bed. Carlisle picked himself up and seated himself on the edge of my bed, pulling my body close to his in a desperate appeal for contact. I let my head fall on his shoulder and ran a hand through his hair. He let out a heavy breath over my hair and I pushed my nails into his back, never wanting to let him go.
"I can't pretend this is nothing anymore. I tried…it doesn't work; I'm lost without you. I can't resist this. You're everything to me."
I exhaled breathily and pushed my lips onto his shoulder in an openmouthed kiss.
"I need you more than you know, Carlisle."
He pulled me onto his lap and crushed me into his chest. I angled my head upwards to look him in the eye, to know that everything in this moment was real. His black eyes meet mine and the desperation was still on his features, but he looked at me with the same bewilderment in his eyes, that I really do want him.
I found myself whispering again.
"But how will we do this? The world will hardly be accepting."
He smiles for the first time and my heart swells.
"It's just you and me tonight, Bella. The world can wait."
Carlisle wove a hand in my hair and laid me back on the bed, but this time he balanced himself above me, making sure not to hurt me. He lowered his face closer to mine and stopped a breath away from my lips.
"I've been waiting for this, Bella Swan."
I close my eyes and pull his head lower.
"Kiss me, Carlisle."
A moment of anticipation hovers thickly in the space between us before he lowers lips onto mine and we kiss as the moon shines and stars sparkle with a renewed fervor.
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