A/N: Happy 2010 everyone!!! :-D I hope you all had a great and safe New Years. This chapter is for Larin20, because I love her, and because she brings out the sub side in me. ;-) Thanks as always to EmmaleeWrites05 for working out the next few chapters of this fic with me, giving me ideas and helping me sort out my own, and for being the most rockin' beta of all time. Check out her work!!! I'm obsessed with Engine 17 right now. :-D The link to her profile is on my profile, as well as my Twitter and Blogspot links. Check them all out!!! Please review!!!
Disclaimer: The kink is mine. The rest is SM's.
EPOV
Jasper and I didn't interact the rest of the day, nor at all the day after that. I supposed it was for the best even when my body was craving him, and my mind was telling me to march straight into his office and demand to know what in the hell "You will look handsome in a mask" meant precisely. I had an idea but I wanted to hear straight from the source.
I packed my suitcase for Chicago reluctantly. These days, it seemed better if I just stayed to myself. No one could get hurt that way. But I knew that it would hurt Bella much more if I didn't go. Besides, I loved Granny Swan very much and I owed it to her to say goodbye. I added in an extra sweater and had to sit on the suitcase to get it shut properly but I managed.
I considered calling Tanya to meet up with her while I was in town, but it was only for two nights and I knew that the last thing Bella would want to do is go out and have fun. She was always thinking of others much more than herself and she wasn't the type to use social situations to forget her real life. I couldn't ask her to do that. Besides, Tanya would have questions for me and right about now, I didn't feel like answering them.
I didn't sleep well that night. I kept having dreams (or perhaps nightmares) in which I was deep in the middle of giving Jasper the best head of his life when Bella bursts through the door, her eyes widening and filling with tears, whispering "Betrayer" and walking out of my life forever. I spent most of the night rubbing forehead, trying to get rid of the pounding sensation there.
The next morning, I swilled my coffee to get rid of my epic headache and booked it to the airport with minutes to spare, thanks to the horrendous Seattle traffic. I slept most of the way, mainly hoping and praying that this weekend wouldn't end with disaster; my eyes shut tightly and blasted my iPod until the flight attendant poked me and told me we were descending into O'Hare.
Bella was waiting there for me just as she promised. Today, she was wearing a heavy red sweater that made her look tired and careless. I knew that sweater well. She used to wear it in high school a lot, right before we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I think she was wearing it when we had our first awkward kiss, actually. I remembered it itched under my hands.
I sighed wistfully. Why couldn't life be so uncomplicated now? Back then the only thing I really spent time worrying about was whether or not I should wear my retainer, lest my expensive orthodontia go to waste. It made me look dorky but I'd have an attractive smile… A smile I'd used to attract Bella.
A smile I only seemed to give Jasper now.
A smile that simply could not appear on my face now no matter how hard I tried to force it.
"Hey Bella," I said softly, gathering her into a hug before she could speak a single word.
"Hey," she said huskily, her voice rough from crying, I supposed. As I pulled back, I could see that I was right. Her pale cheeks were streaked with tears and her nose was running slightly. I wondered just how much she had been crying lately. Whenever I talked to her on the phone, she'd seemed strong.
The face she wore for everyone, her own personal mask that protected her.
We all wore masks around each other. It seemed like none of us could keep a straight face, an open and honest one. We all had our secrets we kept hidden and exteriors that we showed to the world because we couldn't own up to reality.
"Let's go," she said, tugging on my hand. As we stood at the luggage carousel, waiting for my bag, I watched her out of the corner of my eye. She looked fucking miserable. Her mask had slipped. She'd gone through so much in the last few days that she couldn't hide herself any longer. It killed me to see her like this. I wished desperately that there was something I could do for her. Anything I could say or do to make her feel better somehow, if that were even possible. I wanted to kiss her, just as comfort, lips on lips, human contact but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I settled for holding her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze every now and again. She gave me a watery smile and then pointed out my suitcase.
Charlie was at his mother's apartment when we got there. I'd always liked Bella's father though I wasn't always sure he liked me. I couldn't bear to imagine his reaction if and when he found out about my hidden sexuality and the emotional pain I was sure to inflict on his daughter. It wasn't going to be pretty. The man was a cop, and incredibly skilled with his gun.
"Hello Edward," he said in his usual gruff way. "Thank you for coming."
"Of course, Charlie. You know that Granny Swan meant a lot to me."
He grunted and walked into the kitchen without another word. That seemed to be the theme of this day, because Bella didn't say anything either. She showed me to her grandmother's guest room, where her own things were spread out on the floor and bed, and then silently held out her arms.
I had promised her a hug two days ago and I was going to deliver. I slipped my arms around her and held her flush to me. She sighed and I couldn't tell if it was in contentment or annoyance, but I would settle for a mixture of both and held her tighter.
Bella wasted no time in winding her arms around my neck and burying her face in my chest. I could feel her tears soak through the fabric of my shirt in seconds and my heart bled for her. She'd had to go through this virtually on her own, because we all knew Charlie wasn't a good griever. He just sort of… sat around and let everything deflect off of him. Bella had once told me that's what he'd done with Renee left him and it didn't surprise me to see it now.
I guided us to the bed and she burrowed herself as close to me as possible. My arms tightened around her further and she sobbed into my neck now. I felt helpless. Even after all these years, the only solution I knew to make her feel better was to just hold her until the tears subsided.
The haze in my mind settled into a deep fog and I spooned her as she hiccoughed and sniffled herself into slumber. My arm lay against her waist, heavier and heavier as I too drifted off to sleep.
BPOV
I woke up with a pounding headache. My cheeks felt crusty, probably from all of the salty tears I'd shed for Granny Swan, Edward, Emmett and the patheticness that was becoming my life. My throat was raw, too. Ugh. I felt like hell.
Edward was there, still sound asleep. I rolled over and saw that his eyes were fluttering, probably in the middle of a dream. He looked so peaceful right now, more peaceful than I'd seen him in a long time. He had dark circles under his eyes, but otherwise you'd never know that he had been virtual recluse the last few months.
I wanted to reach out and touch his cheek, feel him lean into it. He had a day's worth of stubble on it now and even though I didn't have those same feelings for him like I did so long ago, I still felt a wave of affection and attraction for him. Edward was a sexy man and it wasn't a surprise to me that a spark of heat wound into the pit of stomach at the sight of his lips.
I was about to steal a kiss from those slightly parted lips when he spoke softly. "Jasper, I'm not ready with those reports yet."
Poor guy. Even in his dreams he couldn't escape work. I thought about the last time I'd had a dream about work. It was a nightmare related to a deadline I had, and Alice was there, berating me twenty times more than usual. I think I had woken up screaming.
I brushed the hair off his forehead and hoped his dreams would make a turn for the better.
EPOV
For some reason, I was only wearing a pair of black boxer briefs and a collar around my neck, not unlike a dog's. You know the kind that Bulldogs and Rottweiler's wear, leather and spikes? And my arms were heavy-laden with hundreds of manila files. They were heavy.
I knocked on Jasper's office door. His secretary had said that he was busy, but for some reason I knew I had to go into that office.
"Come in," he said in a low, silky tone. I knew it would be hard to hide the massive erection in my boxer briefs, but I went in anyway, eager to see him.
Jasper was standing in a suit in front of his desk. He was even more handsome than I remembered, so professional and stern. My heart skipped a beat.
"Are you done with the reports yet, Edward?" he asked coolly.
I looked down at my hands. The stack of papers I'd just held were gone - vanished into thin air.
"N-no," I stammered, completely astonished at the disappearing act I'd just witnessed. Where had they gone?
"I expected them done by today," he said in his low, attractive voice. You could still hear the slight Texan accent peaking through the words. "I needed them done today." He frowned
"Jasper, I'm not ready with those reports yet," I said, desperate for an explanation for my behavior. I had disappointed hi, and the pain was cutting through me. I always wanted to please him.
"I'm very disappointed in you, Edward," he said, confirming my fears. He took two steps towards me and looked me straight in the eye. We were almost the same height, and I could see clearly into his blue eyes. They were as cool as the color they represented and held a strong authority I found incredibly arousing.
"Get on your knees Edward," he said calmly. "You need to be punished."
"But- what?!" I exclaimed, unsure of why my body reacted as it did to his words.
Arousal, undeniable and strong, hit me like a Mac truck. I wanted to be punished, to let him do this to me.
"I said, get on your knees now, Edward," Jasper said, stronger this time. The authority was clear in his tone now. I would be foolish to not listen.
I tried one last ditch effort, more for my own peace of mind than anything else. "Bella-"
He took my shoulder and shoved me down roughly. My knees hit the ground and it should have hurt, but there was some sort of padding on the ground that I hadn't noticed before and suddenly I found myself mouth-to-cock level with Jasper.
"I don't ever want to hear you speak about her ever again," he said and grabbed a paddle off his desk.
BPOV
Edward whispered my name and his erection grew stronger against my stomach. Well, I guess his dreams had turned in a more pleasant direction. The spark in my belly burst into a tiny flame of desire. He really did want me.
EPOV
"Count," Jasper ordered and he lowered the paddle to my ass as he stood behind me.
The anticipation was killing me and he seemed to know it. He pulled down one side of my boxer briefs, revealing what was sure to be my pale white ass. His fingers slowly brushed against my exposed skin and I couldn't hold back the moan that escaped my lips. His hands were so soft and yet firm against my body.
So it was a complete shock when he smacked the paddle hard against my ass moments later. The pain spread through my body, and I yelped in surprise.
"Count them!" Jasper commanded, and I was aroused by the sound even in my temporary agony.
"One!" I called out.
Moments later, the leather paddle struck me again.
"Two!"
Smack.
"Three!"
Again.
"Four!"
Again.
"Five!" My voice was coming out in harsh barks now. I wanted desperately to look back at Jasper, to see the concentration on his face as he smacked me hard, but I didn't dare. My cock bobbed in front of me, ready and aching, moving with the impact of the paddle. It hurt, but hell if I didn't want more and more.
The paddle met my ass again and I sobbed out "Six!" and wondering when this would all end.
Three more counts and as I choked out ten, Jasper's hand replaced the leather, and he soothed the skin there. It was almost certain it would leave a mark.
"You did so well," he said in that silky voice again. His hand rubbed gentle circles on the irritated flesh and the pleasure mixed with the pain until I wasn't sure what I was feeling any more. "I believe you deserve a reward."
My weeping cock twitched in anticipation. The need for release was extreme, to the point of pain. Jasper seemed to know how to mix the two well.
"Stand," he ordered gently. It almost sounded like a request, but I knew he was still in charge.
I turned towards him, his suit was gone, and so was my collar. His eyes were warm now, affectionate and caring.
We were equals now and I could see that his arousal was just as great as mine.
"Edward," he whispered and took my face in his gentle hands. His fingers traced my jaw and I longed for him to place open-mouthed kisses there. I needed him.
Our bodies bumped together and our cocks, erect and painful, brushed together. We hissed with pleasure just before our lips brushed together…
Warm breath fanned across my lips and for several foggy moments, I thought my dream had become real. Jasper was right here, flesh against flesh, I was so ready for him, unable to control myself and I couldn't help but flip him over onto his back. I held his hands captive over his head and licked down his chest.
Except Jasper didn't have breasts. And where a throbbing hard-on should have been, brushing against my own, there was nothing but an engorged bit of flesh and a whole hell of a lot of wetness… between Bella's thighs. Bella. Right.
"Edward," she gasped, grinding herself on my erection. Not going to lie, it died down a bit in disappointment, no matter how much I needed the friction.
My eyes popped open to see Bella's staring back at me, pure lust in her eyes. Though it was undeniably sexy, I couldn't help but notice that she had never looked at me like this before. The lust had always been mixed with something else… what I now identified as love. The love was gone now.
"I need you and I can tell you need me to," she moaned, arching her back to me. "Please, Edward."
I rolled her so she was on top of me again and let her take control. It was out of my hands now. She rode me hard and fast, like the last few times we'd been together and I kept my hands to myself, almost detached from my own body and its activities. She didn't touch me either and we didn't kiss. I came imagining myself sliding between Jasper's lips, his baby blues staring up at me with love and devotion. When Bella and I were done, we fell asleep facing away from each other.
BPOV
When I awoke the next morning, I made sure that breakfast was ready before Charlie and Edward woke up. Scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon. It was distracting to concentrate on each ingredient, mesmerizing to combine them. I only thought about the thing I was doing at that exact moment. I was numbing myself, allowing my brain to clear itself so I could deal with this day. I didn't see any other way to do it, since I wasn't into drugs or alcohol in particular.
The funeral was held at ten am, in the church where my grandmother went on Christmases and Easters. My family wasn't particularly religious, but we played the game when necessary. Just in case, you know? In case of days like this, when you just weren't sure about anything anymore.
Edward held my hand the whole time and I needed it. I finally felt sufficiently numb. You always know these days are going to come, but you never expect them to finally show up. You never expect your perfectly healthy grandmother to die out of the blue. You never expect that you wouldn't get to say goodbye…
My body was out of tears. It seemed physically impossible for even one more to leak out the corner of my eye. I couldn't even manage a dry sob. I barely blinked. I just stared straight ahead at the pine casket, draped with the irises that were her favorite flower.
Charlie and I didn't want to speak. Some of her friends from the various clubs she was involved with spoke and some of them even made the other attendees laugh. Granny Swan had many friends and a lot of people who really loved her. It was nice to know and I hoped that my own life would be like hers was, too. No one wants to be alone.
But I couldn't bring myself to laugh with their anecdotes. I stared at the purples and whites of the flowers and felt a lump slide into my throat. It made it hard to breathe.
Edward held my hand tightly. He spent most of the time watching me out of the corner of his eye, his face full of grief and a tired edge that had nothing to do with sleep deprivation.
Last night, I'd needed his comfort and I had been aroused. I'd needed the human contact I'd been deprived of. But I hadn't needed him like I'd the thought disturbed me. I'd wished instead for Emmett's strong hands, his bulky body hovering above mine instead of Edward's passive advances.
Yes, I was thinking about unsatisfying sex in the middle of my grandmother's funeral. In a church. I might go to hell for it, but it seemed like I was already there, so why not? I needed to bring myself out of the numb somehow.
For about five minutes, I allowed myself to feel things again. But then the pain, anger and confusion cut too deep and I slid back into nothingness where it was safe.
Afterwards, I shook people's hands and thanked them for coming, and yes, we will miss her, but she's in a better place now. And no, we don't need anything thank you so much. And please, take some of the casserole home with you, we won't be able to eat this much, and by the way, thank you for the flowers. Her burial site will look so lovely now.
Bullshit.
Edward wrapped his arm around me and guided me out of the church, away from the hovering, sympathetic masses. We walked down into the garden off to the side, where there was a bench and we sat. I leaned against him and felt the sun soak through my cardigan set into my skin. His thumb rubbed circles into my shoulder and we were silent.
I closed my eyes and thought of nothing but the red filtering through my eyelids as the sun tried to beam through them. It was the first time in a week that I felt peace.
A/N II: I KNOW some of you guys are going to ask it, so I'm going to just say now that Jasper is NOT a Dom. This is NOT going to be a BDSM fic. This dream is more a representation of the power Jasper holds over Edward- right now, he feels helpless for his attraction to him, and it is manifested in the dream. But did you notice at the end, when they're are equals? Yeah. Symbolism, folks, not a sign of what's to come. I mean... it IS... but it isn't. Haha!!
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