Chapter 9:
Saturday afternoon, Sam went over to Matt's again."Where are your aunt and uncle?" Sam asked, following him into his bedroom.
Matt shrugged. "Some retreat where they'll come back full of renewed religious zeal," He said, plunking himself down on his bed. "Sadly these trips are adults only. Shame, really."
"What's with the boxes?" Sam asked, referring to the two black boxes that sat by Matt's doorway.
"Oh, well they go to these things every few months or so," Matt explained, "And when they come back they always feel compelled to raid my room looking for signs that I'm straying from the right path, down a slippery slope of video games, rock music and movies rated higher than G, straight into the flaming pits of hell. So I make sure to hide that sort of thing at my friend Kate's house for a little."
"Oh...cool." Sam said, for lack of anything else to say. Matt's world was obviously intensely different from his. "Um, I should tell you though. Someone drew a penis on the back of your t-shirt." He grinned.
"What?" Matt asked. He took his shirt off and turned it over. "Motherfucking Kate." He mumbled. Sam tried not to stare as Matt threw the shirt into a hamper by his closet and rummaged around in his drawer for a clean one. He wasn't very muscular, but something about his chest and back were extremely touchable looking. He noticed that Matt had a large white circular scar on his left shoulder.
"I swear, she's like 12." He said, shaking his head as he pulled on a new shirt. This one had a picture of Jesus on it, and was captioned "BRB". It was a little big on him, but he seemed pleased with it.
"I love this shirt, and it's going to have to go to Kate's too now." Matt pouted, walking over to him.
"Shame." Sam said, deciding not to tell him that he had no clue why the shirt was funny...of if it was even supposed to be funny. Matt wrapped his arms around Sam's neck, reaching up to kiss him. Sam moved them over to the bed, and they down so he was half on top of Matt. Matt's lips felt just as good against his as they had the week before, but something didn't feel right. They kissed on his bed for about five minutes, before Sam stopped him.
"What's wrong?" Matt asked, running his fingers through Sam's hair.
"Nothing, I just feel...weird." He said.
"About?" Sam shrugged and Matt rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, not that again. You know why you feel weird, just tell me." Sam sighed and sat up, leaning his head back against the wall behind Matt's bed. Matt moved next to him, and folded his legs.
"Something Kurt said this week. Something that made me think maybe's he's not as happy as I thought." Sam said, biting his lip.
Matt nodded. "What'd he say?"
"Well, I um sort of told him about you-"
"Probably not the best idea, if you're trying to win him over." Interrupted Matt.
"Better to lie?" Sam asked, raising his eyebrows.
"...ok, good point. Continue."
"Right so I told him about you, and he said he was jealous. Of you." Sam said. "So I mean, if he's so happy and in love with Blaine, why would he be jealous, right?"
Matt shrugged. "The way I see it, there are two possible reasons why he'd be jealous."
Sam waited for a moment, but Matt didn't continue. "But you're not gonna tell me what they are?"
Matt hesitated, looking at him apprehensively. "If I do, you have to promise to wait until I tell you both of them, before you start pouting at me, ok?" Sam nodded, and Matt took a breathe. "Ok, so I don't know what kind of self-esteem Kurt has,"
"Not great." Sam injected.
"Right, well then. So if his self-esteem isn't great, and he probably doesn't think much of himself, suddenly having this beautiful boy being as obviously into him as I guarantee you are would be a real boost, right?" Matt said.
Sam beamed. "You think I'm beautiful." He snickered.
Matt rolled his eyes. "This conversation is going to go nowhere if that's all you plan on retaining." He said. "Anyways, now all of the sudden it looks to him like you've got eyes for someone else, and he doesn't feel as special as he used to. His fragile self-esteem takes a hit, and he feels nothing but livid jealousy toward myself."
Sam frowned. "So you're saying it has nothing to do with actually liking me, or disliking Blaine?"
Matt sighed. "That's just one option, Sammy. I said you needed to wait for me to explain both before you turned into a kicked puppy dog."
"I don't look like a kicked puppy dog..." Sam muttered, sticking out his lower lip and looking very much like a kicked puppy dog. Matt raised an eyebrow, and Sam sighed. "Am I going to like the second option better?"
Matt nodded. "Undoubtably."
"Good."
"Option number two mostly revolves around whether or not Blaine is the first gay person of similar age Kurt has met." Matt said.
Sam thought. "As far as I know."
"Right, well then it could be a simple case of what I call 'Small Town Gay Syndrome'." Matt said. "You're a lonely gay kid in a town that likes to shit all over lonely gay kids. Your self-esteem sucks and you're totally confident that you will never, ever find love. One day you meet another gay kid and it's like an explosion of fireworks. He's your age, he's attractive and most importantly he's gay too. You fall head over heels. Or so you think, because what other option are you ever going to have?"
"So what you're saying is he might not really be in love wi-"
"And I mean, why shouldn't you let yourself think you're in love?" Matt continued, seemingly oblivious to Sam now. "Finally after what seems like forever you have this awesome, cool guy who's into you. He's telling you how much he likes you and how beautiful you are, and when you look into his eyes you feel all warm and fluttery like popcorn is popping inside your stomach. And he says you're in love and you believe him. You want love so badly, because it's what you told yourself you'd never have." Matt said, and Sam heard his voice break a little. "Maybe somewhere in the back of your mind you know it's not really love, but you just want to think it is so bad that you'll do anything to keep it, even-" He put his head in his hands, unable to stop himself from sobbing.
Sam wasn't totally sure when they'd stopped talking about Kurt and started talking about whatever was making Matt cry, and he didn't really know how to handle it. He put his arm around Matt, who turned his face against his shoulder, sobbing against it.
"Hey, it's um...ok?" Sam said lamely.
"I'm s-sorry, Sam." Matt stammered, trying to stop his tears. "I d-don't do this. Like, ever."
"Well, it's probably good to do once in a while." Sam said, brushing back a piece of hair from his face. Matt looked like he was about to burst into tears again, and not knowing what else to do, Sam leaned in and kissed him. Matt kissed him back, and it was different then it'd been before. Instead of controlled and practiced, his kiss was desperate and quick. He leaned into Sam, pressing him back against the wall again and moving into his lap.
Sam pulled a little on the hem of Matt's t shirt as he moved his head down to kiss Matt's neck. The shirt slipped down past his shoulder a little, and Sam could once again see the white circular scar Matt had there. Easily distracted person that he was, Sam stopped kissing Matt and examined it. "How'd you get this?" He asked, tracing his finger around it. Now that he was seeing it close up, it looked sort of like teeth marks.
Matt stiffened. "Not important." He said, shrugging Sam away. He pulled Sam's mouth back towards him, but Sam moved away again.
"Did someone bite you?" He asked, trying to get another look at it.
"It's old, and not important." Matt growled, unbuttoning Sam's jeans with one hand. He slipped his hand inside, and Sam was once again distracted.
"You let him give you a what?" Lauren screeched, smacking him on the back of the head.
"Jeez, keep it down, would you?" Sam hissed, rubbing the back of his head. "I didn't mean to! I didn't even really mean to start making out with him, it just happened because he was all crying and stuff."
"You gotta watch out for shit like that." Puck said, shaking his head. "The moment the water works start, you back the hell away. It's every guy's weakness."
Sam sighed. "I didn't see it coming, like at all. One second he's telling me about how Kurt probably isn't all that into Blaine, and the next- I don't know what the fuck he's telling me. I probably shouldn't have kissed him...I should have tried to talk to him more." Lauren glared at him, shaking her head. "Hey, I panicked, ok?" Sam said defensively.
"Not blaming you dude. In a choice between stopping the tears with your mouth and talking about feelings, better men than you would pick the first one." Puck said. Lauren flicked his ear angrily, and he held his hands up. "Just keepin' it real."
"You two are pigs." She said, her eyes narrowed. "And then you find what, a bite mark on his shoulder and you just forget about it?"
"It's very hard to think when someone has their hand down your pants." Sam growled.
"And I'm sure he knew that. He used a blow job to distract you from finding out what that scar was, you moron." Lauren said.
"Again, please be quiet!" Sam said, looking around. No one seemed to have heard. "And don't you think I realize that, now?"
"Look, no offense, but he seems like kind of a slut." Puck said, shrugging. "He probably got it during kinky sex. I know I have my fair share of bite marks." He said, smiling smugly. Lauren did not look impressed.
"If he got it during kinky sex, why was he deflecting?"
"De-whating?" Sam and Puck asked.
Lauren rolled her eyes. "Why wouldn't he just tell you that, instead of giving you a blow-distraction?"
Sam shrugged. "He's very private."
"Only parts of him." Puck said, glancing away. Sam punched him.
"Don't talk like that about him, or I'll beat you." He threatened.
Puck snickered. "You like him."
"Yes, I do. He's my friend and he has very soft lips. If you say shit like that again, I repeat, I will beat you down."
"Bring it on Puffer-fish." Puck said, raising his fists.
"Alright, alright. Enough." Lauren said, examining her nails. Puck put his fists down instantly.
"Can we please focus on what this conversation should really be about?" Sam said. "Before Matt suddenly traded personalities with a person who has emotions, he was saying that Kurt might not love Blaine, he just might be in love with like the idea of Blaine or something."
"You're a terrible person." Lauren said, shaking her head.
"So then it's settled. Kurt's not really into Blaine and you're free to make a move." Puck said, clapping him on the back. "Problem solved, I'm going to get fries." He said, standing up. Sam yanked him back down.
"I didn't say that. I said might. Might, might, might." Sam said.
"You sound like one of those seagulls from the movie about the lost fish." Lauren said, raising an eyebrow.
"I cried so hard at the beginning when that bad fish eats the Mom and all the babies." Puck said, shaking his head.
Sam glared at them. "Neither of those were helpful comments."
"How can we be helpful? This is the same conversation we've had a billion times before!" Puck exclaimed. "Kurt might not be that happy, Kurt might be in love with Blaine. You're never going to know for sure."
"You could try asking." Lauren suggested.
Sam shook his head. "He'd never admit the truth. Hell, I doubt he even knows the truth."
"Well then I say we just watch them very, very carefully. If we see them staring at each other with wide 'I'm so in love' eyes, then you back off. If they act like Quinn and Finn, we know at least one of them in love with someone else." Lauren said.
"Don't you spend all your time watching Kurt anyways?" Puck asked.
"Yeah, but I haven't been watching for anything specific. I've just been you know, looking."
"Creeper." Lauren muttered.
I tried it, I couldn't fight it
Now I just wanna get back to me
ohh baby, hoo hoo
Back into the man I used to be
Sam watched Kurt closely as Blaine sang his solo, not liking what he was seeing. Kurt was looking intently at his boyfriend, his head tilted slightly to the side. He was absolutely wrapped up in whatever the fuck Blaine was singing about, and Sam was about 30 seconds away from actual tears. Kurt licked his lips slowly, and raised his hand up to his mouth, biting on thumb.
Sam slammed his head back against the wall behind him, as Puck patted him sympathetically on the back.
I tried it, I couldn't fight it
Now I just wanna get back to me
ohh baby, hoo hoo
Back into the man I used to be
What the hell was Blaine singing about? Kurt wondered. He tilted his head to the side, listening closely to the lyrics.
Things that I said I wouldn't do, I did 'em
Secrets below the surface of truth I hid 'em
This man kind is past, but can he erase
The tears of a million years is human race
Of animals, that talk and walk upright
Then slave all day and fall in a trance at night
Roamin the planet, trying to find missing links
Like the men we used to be and are we supposed to think?
Was he singing about him? It sure as hell didn't sound like it...then what? Kurt licked his lips, biting nervously on his thumb as he realized that he had no idea what was going on in Blaine's head at the moment. They hardly talked anymore...Kurt knew that was his fault. Blaine had tried to talk to him, at Rachel's party and a few other times but he'd ignored him.
I woke up in the morning
I took a trip to the corner store
That's when I heard my calling
But I'd never heard the voice of truth before
So I kept on walking
Pretending I didn't see
Walked by a window and my reflection said to me
You could try all the same
But you'll never know this mystery
There's no pilot on your plane
So you're not the man you used to be
Blaine sounded sad as he sang, and Kurt knew he hadn't been fair to him lately. Blaine was his boyfriend, but above that, Blaine was his friend. The song ended and instead of sitting back down Blaine turned and left.
"Blaine?" Kurt called, rushing out after him. Blaine stopped in the middle of the hallway, his shoulders slumped. "Blaine, what's wrong?"
"Um, nothing." Blaine mumbled, turning towards him. Kurt took Blaine's hand in his, and held his face.
"Something is." He said softly. The other members of the glee club were filing out of the choir room around them, but Kurt ignored them. "Please tell me."
"What do you care?" Blaine said spitefully. Kurt bit his lip, and he felt Blaine tighten his grip on his hand. "Oh jeez I'm sorry Kurt, that's not fair." He mumbled. "I'm sorry, for how I've been acting lately." Blaine continued, sounding sincere. "I feel like all I've done is criticize you and I don't mean to, I swear."
"Then why do you?" Kurt asked quietly.
"Because I'm a secret control freak who needs to structure the hell out of everything for it to make sense?"
"That's not actually a secret." Kurt whispered, leaning in and kissing him lightly.
Blaine sighed. "I haven't been myself lately, I know that. And you've been suffering for it. We've been suffering for it. I don't want that."
Out of the corner of his eye, Kurt saw Sam exit the glee room with Lauren and Puck. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, knowing that what Blaine was saying wasn't completely true. He wasn't the only reason things between them had been strained lately.
"Blaine, I..." Kurt began. But what was he going to say? I love you but I think I also love someone else, can you hold on a minute while I try and figure things out? "I forgive you." He finished, wondering if there was going to be a special place in hell reserved for him. Blaine smiled and hugged him.
Probably.
