Knock. Knock. Knock. No answer.
She knocks again. Still no answer.
She can't say she's surprised - if she were Sadie, she wouldn't answer, either, not after being stood up with no explanation.
She thinks she should just give up, come back later, but it's like her feet are glued to the ground. She can't leave; she doesn't want to leave, not until she fixes this. Not until she apologizes. She hadn't meant to stand Sadie up, she really hadn't, but after her talk with Puck, she kind of... forgot.
It wasn't until a couple hours after she arrived at the Jones' that she realized she'd made plans to meet with her girlfriend at Breadstix after leaving the school. She feels terrible, absolutely awful. She tried calling first, but there had been no answer - not the first time, nor the five times after that. She knows it's almost nine, but she doesn't care because after that sixth call and there being no answer again, she couldn't just let it go. She can't let it go. Her relationship with Sadie is one of the only good things in her life right now and she won't allow herself to screw it up.
Even if it seems as though that's exactly what she's doing.
"Hey, Princess."
The familiar voice snaps her out of her thoughts and she looks up to find herself facing her girlfriend. Her expression is flat, emotionless. Just like her tone. However, Quinn's not fooled. There's so much hurt and disappointment in Sadie's eyes.
She's not even mad... just hurt, and that makes Quinn feel so much worse.
"I'm sorry," she blurts, though she knows it must sound stupid and that it simply won't be enough. "I know that's not good enough, not even a little, but I mean it and I just... would you please let me explain?"
Sadie steps out onto the porch and shuts the door behind her, but doesn't say anything. That's good enough for Quinn.
"I'm not going to say that I know how you're feeling because I don't," she says, searching for the right thing to say, yet not sure there is a right thing to say. "I've never been stood up before, but I do know it must feel awful. Trust me, though, standing you up was not my intention," she continues. "I can only imagine what you're thinking right now. You're probably thinking I stood you up because I thought something was more important, or someone was more important, and trust me, though I have never been stood up, I do know how that feels. I know what it feels like to have someone you care for very much treat someone else the way they should be treating you."
Sadie still hasn't said anything, but at least she's looking at Quinn now; that's a start. "After Finn joined Glee, he was more... distant and he acted funny a lot, and I could see that he was falling for Rachel. I joined the club to hold onto him and it worked, but the whole time we were together, I knew that if I said the words, he'd run right into Rachel's arms. I knew he'd never leave me on his own 'cause he was just too... loyal and because I knew that, I used it against him to make him stay."
She'd been so desperate to hold onto him, because at the time, he'd been a constant. The one person in her life that was always there, but she screwed it up because that's what she does. Not this time, though. She refuses to screw up this time.
"So, if that's what you're thinking... if you think I stood you up because of someone else, I need you to know that's not true. I would never, ever do that." The words are true, so true that she's almost surprised by how much she means them. "And I would never do that because I don't want lose you," she continues when Sadie still hasn't said anything; she shifts nervously from one foot to the other, afraid that maybe she's really messed it up. Sadie's silence terrifies her. "I think I could..." She pauses, not sure if she should say what she so desperately wants to say; not sure if maybe it's too soon to put herself out there. There's still so much Quinn doesn't know about Sadie and so much that Sadie doesn't know about her, but despite that, Quinn hasn't been this happy in so very long and her girlfriend is one of the most important people in her life right now.
When Sadie's around, she feels a little less lost and a little less alone. She's not ready to lose that. She's not sure she ever will be, nor does she want to.
"I know I could fall in love with you," she says after releasing the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, "so I really hope you can forgive me."
Sadie meets her gaze then and after a moment, she says, "'I'm sorry' was good enough." Quinn almost laughs at the wave of relief that washes over her. "Why don't you come inside? I promise my mom won't notice if you come up to my room for a bit."
At the mention of Sadie's bedroom, Quinn swears her heart leaps into her throat.
"I, uh, okay," she says, taking the hand her girlfriend offers her and allowing herself to be practically dragged inside.
They tip-toe, hand-in-hand, up the stairs so as to not wake Mrs. Field. Quinn's unsure why, but she's extremely nervous. It's not like she hasn't been in Sadie's room before because she has, but all those other times, Santana or Mercedes or Rachel, or even all three, were there with them. It's never been just the two of them alone in a bedroom, not even in Quinn's room.
"I could fall in love with you, too, y'know?" is the first Sadie says when they lay beside each other on Sadie's bed.
Quinn can't help it, she smiles and laces her fingers through Sadie's.
"You mean that?" she asks, more vulnerably than she intends.
They lock eyes. "More than you know," is Sadie's response.
"Trust me, I know," Quinn says and she means it.
They share a kiss and then a few more, not paying attention to the time and not caring that Mrs. Field is asleep across the hall, and eventually, both girls fall asleep, their fingers still laced together.
X
When Quinn awakes, she's a little freaked to feel someone's arms around her, but after blinking a few times, she remembers where she is and isn't so freaked anymore. She smiles; she likes the way it feels, having Sadie hold her like this, so close. It feels right. Sadie feels right.
It's not until she looks at the alarm clock on Sadie's bedside table that her smile quickly fades. It's two a.m. and she's not home; she's in bed, with her girlfriend, a little far away from home. Well, not home home because she still has a hard time thinking of the Jones' house as her home, but it's still the place where she eats and sleeps and she's sure Mercedes' mom or dad or even Mercedes has noticed that Quinn still isn't home.
She inwardly groans because she doesn't want to leave, but she knows she has to. As carefully as she possibly can, she manages to maneuver herself out of her girlfriend's grip and rolls off the bed, wincing when her back hits the floor.
She scrambles to her feet quickly, hoping that her fall didn't wake Sadie. One look at the brunette is enough assurance that it didn't and she smiles at how peaceful Sadie looks when sleeping. Beautiful, too, but she always looks beautiful. Anyone who doesn't see that is obviously blind and hasn't spent enough time with her to realize that not only is she beautiful outside, but inside, too.
Sadie deserves the best. A lot more than Quinn can give her, but she is so thankful that Sadie is taking a chance on her. A chance on them.
"I wish I could tell you about her," she whispers, leaning over so she can place a gentle kiss atop her girlfriend's forehead. "Someday, I promise," she adds after pulling away and tiptoeing out the door.
Emily purposely doesn't stir as she feels soft lips against her forehead and she tries her best not to smile.
She hears Quinn say, "I wish I could tell you about her," and she hides her confusion until after she's sure the blonde is gone.
It's only when she's sure her girlfriend has left that she opens her eyes and sits up, the only thought running through her mind being, tell me about who?
"Okay, spill."
Quinn groans. She's so not in the mood to deal with Santana right now.
"Spill what?" she asks, failing at her attempt to be nonchalant. She knows why Santana is sitting beside her right now; hell, she's surprised that the minute she entered the choir room, none of the other glee kids hounded her to 'spill.'
Sadie has been acting weird all day, and it shows. She hasn't been avoiding Quinn, per say, but when she talks to Quinn, it's like she's not even really talking to her and she hasn't made eye contact with the blonde since they showed up to school in the morning.
During her first few classes of the day, Quinn had been convinced she'd done something she wasn't aware of, but around lunchtime, it became very clear to her why Sadie is acting so strange. Obviously, last night, she hadn't been as quiet as she'd wanted to be. And Sadie had heard her little comment about wanting to tell her about her.
She's at a loss at how to explain that one away when Sadie stops acting all weird and starts asking questions.
"Don't play dumb with me, Q."
"I'm not playing dumb, San."
Santana rolls her eyes. "Whatever. Look, your girl has been walking on eggshells around you all day and I want to know why."
"Hasn't anyone ever taught you how to mind your own business?" she asks snidely, sending a halfhearted glare her friend's way.
"Actually, no," Santana says, "so spill."
"She's mad because I stood her up last night." It's only a half-lie, so she doesn't feel too guilty for not being completely honest. Besides, like she said, it's not any of Santana's business. Not that that's ever mattered to Santana.
"You're lying."
"No, I'm not," Quinn argues, though she sees no point. She rarely wins in an argument against Santana.
"Seriously, Q, do I look stupid?"
The question's clearly rhetorical, so Quinn doesn't answer.
"I may have slipped up about something I've been hiding," she eventually whispers, a small part of her hoping that Mr. Schue or Sadie will walk through the door at any moment and save her from having to continue this conversation.
No such luck.
"So, this has to do with when I could get away with calling you Preggers."
Once again, the Latina's words are not a question; Quinn doesn't say anything.
"You do know you're gonna have to come clean, right?"
Quinn just glares, choosing to still not say anything.
"Secrets hurt, Q," Santana whispers. "Big time," she adds before moving to sit beside Sam. Quinn has no idea what's going on between the two, but they've been hanging around each other a lot more than usual recently.
Quinn thinks Santana is just using Sam as a way to get back at Brittany. Or to forget Brittany. Probably both.
She makes a mental note to warn Sam; one Cheerio has already hurt him, she can't let another one do the same.
She doesn't have time to reflect on her thoughts much longer, however, because right after making that mental note, Mr. Schue enters the room, followed by Sadie. The former takes his usual spot at the front of the classroom and the latter takes her seat beside Quinn, instantly grabbing the blonde's hand and placing their now joined hands in her lap.
Eyes wide, Quinn looks at Sadie and whispers, "What are you doing?" just as Mr. Schue starts speaking.
It's not that she minds holding hands with her girlfriend, because she doesn't. It's just that she's used to doing so outside of school. Yes, Mercedes knows now, but the rest of the club, excluding the four others who know, is completely clueless.
She supposes they don't really have to say it; everyone can assume whatever they want to assume. Maybe letting them figure it out on their own will be easier.
"Holding your hand," Sadie says, stating the obvious. When she looks at Quinn, once again it feels as though she's not really looking at her. More like she's looking past her. Or through her. The idea of the latter being true scares her more than the idea of the former being true.
She merely smiles, however, and pretends that she doesn't notice that something is terribly wrong.
X
"It's just not badass, Mr. Schue."
"And neither are you."
"You're one to talk."
"You're just mad 'cause San refuses to give you some."
"All right, Quinn, Puck, Santana, that'll be enough," Mr. Schue interrupts, trying to regain control over the conversation. "I don't particularly care that the song isn't 'badass' enough for you, Puck. It's a terrific song and if you want to win Regionals, you'll at least give it a chance."
"Whatever," Puck mutters, rolling his eyes.
"Great," Mr. Schue starts enthusiastically, "then it's settled. The one thing we haven't discussed as of yet is the group performance. If I don't receive ideas by this coming Friday, I'll choose the group number myself."
"Gotcha. Now can we go?" Mercedes asks impatiently.
"No, you may not," Mr. Schue says. "You guys always rush out of here like someone just yelled 'fire'. I'd like you to stay a little longer and discuss next week's duets assignment. Sadie, you're not required to stay. It may get a little boring, so if you want to leave, you can. Everyone else, get to work."
Mr. Schuester exits the room after leaving Rachel in charge. Surprisingly, the others have started listening to her recently, so it's safe to leave the club in her hands.
"All right, everyone needs to get with their partners," Rachel says after taking the seat to the left of Quinn. The two girls were paired up for next week's assignment. Quinn thinks it should be interesting, singing a duet with Rachel, though she also feels a little nervous because her range is nowhere near Rachel's.
The glee kids do as Rachel says and get with their partners and it doesn't take long for the room to be filled with chit-chat that probably has nothing to do with the duets.
"Will you be staying to add your input?" Rachel asks Sadie.
Sadie shakes her head. "I don't think so. I've got homework, so I really have to go home."
"That's understandable," Rachel replies. "Schoolwork is very important."
Quinn can see her girlfriend attempting to hide her amusement from the petite brunette. "Yes, it is," she says before turning to look at Quinn. Again, she doesn't make direct eye contact. It's starting to bother the blonde even more now, and she's starting to wonder if maybe Sadie somehow guessed what she's keeping from her. It's not completely impossible that's the case. "Meet me at the park at five? I need to talk to you and I think the park is the perfect place."
She hopes Sadie can't see how nervous the words 'I need to talk to you' make her. At least she didn't say 'we need to talk'.
"Sure, I'll be there," Quinn says and she makes sure to look directly at Sadie when she says it. She's not going to stand her up. Not again.
"See you then, Princess," Sadie says, not even bothering to check and see if anyone's looking before giving the blonde a quick kiss. "Bye, Rachel," she adds before standing up and making her way out of the choir room.
Quinn stares after her, too baffled by her girlfriend's back and forth behavior to even hear Rachel speaking to her.
"Quinn."
That time Quinn does hear her, but only because the girl practically shouts in her ear.
"Sorry," she apologizes, though she's not really sorry. She doesn't want to be here right now. She wants to go crawl under a rock so she won't have to talk to her girlfriend because she doesn't think this talk is going to be all that great. And she doesn't believe it will end well.
"If you wish to talk about whatever is bothering you, we can go over ideas for our duet another day."
Quinn shakes her head; she needs a distraction. Badly.
"I think mainstream is a good place to start."
Rachel looks unsure for a moment, but then she nods.
"Let's begin, shall we?"
Emily's pacing. She's not a pacer, not normally, but she's going crazy. Quinn should arrive at the park in a few minutes and she has no idea what she's going to say to her. She's been acting weird all day and she knows Quinn notices it. She's going to have to explain herself, she knows that, but she doesn't know where to start. She doesn't want to just outright ask her girlfriend who the hell she was referring to last night, but the curiosity and the need to know is eating away at her.
She knows Quinn wasn't referring to an ex-girlfriend or anything, because she's clearly never been in a relationship with a girl before. They've already had the talk about past relationships and neither of the girls have lied. They may be keeping secrets, but she does trust Quinn.
"You wanted to talk?"
She's startled out of her thoughts when she hears her girlfriend's voice from directly behind her. She whirls around so that she's facing her.
"How was practice?" she asks instead of asking what she wants.
"That's not what you want to ask," Quinn states pointedly. "You've been acting strange all day... have I done something?"
Emily shakes her head, because no, she hasn't done anything wrong; not necessarily. "Of course not," she assures her. "It's just..." Pause. "Maybe we should sit."
"Okay..." Quinn says unsurely, taking Emily by the hand and leading her over to one of the picnic tables. They sit across from one another. "What's this all about? You're starting to freak me out."
For the first time since the previous night, Emily meets Quinn's gaze. "Something you said last night has been bugging me and I just... what did you mean when you said that you wished you could tell me about her? I know you think I didn't hear you, but I did."
"I was afraid of that," Quinn whispers. Emily hates the look on the girl's face. It's so pained, like she's remembering something that she doesn't want to remember. "Could you maybe forget that I said it?" she asks hopefully.
Emily wants to say yes because she doesn't want to disappoint Quinn. She can't let herself say yes, however, because she can't take this any longer. Her curiosity needs to be satisfied because she's tired of all the unanswered questions.
Even if that does make her a hypocrite.
"No, I can't. Who were you talking about, Quinn?"
"It's not important."
"Judging from the fact that you had to practically choke out those words, I think it is," Emily says. "You can tell me, y'know? I wish you would open up to me, just this once."
"That goes both ways," Quinn retorts.
She hates how guilty that comment makes her feel. "We're not talking about me. We're talking about you."
"That's not fair and you know it." She's closing herself off; Emily can see it, and she can feel it.
"Why can't you just tell me who she is? Why is it such a big deal?"
"Because it is, okay?" Quinn snaps. "And besides, it's none of your business."
"Don't," Emily snaps. "Don't you do that. You're trying to push me away by acting like a bitch and it's not going to work because I know you. You're not the Quinn you were when I met you."
Quinn glares, but it's halfhearted. She's mad, but not at Emily.
"You don't know me, not really," Quinn says after standing up. Emily stays seated, afraid that if she stands up this will all end very badly. "I'm keeping things from you, big things, and like San said, secrets hurt, but telling you these secrets would hurt worse."
"I don't need you to protect me." Hypocrite. She tries telling herself it's not the same, but she knows it is. "Stop running from whatever you're hiding and tell me about it so I can help because every single day, I can see that whatever secret you're keeping, it's killing you."
"I'm not the only one who's running," is her girlfriend's reply. "So, why don't you stop running? Tell me what you're running from."
"I'm not running." Liar.
She wishes she could murder that stupid voice inside her head.
"You can't expect me to be honest with you if you aren't willing to do the same with me," Quinn says, her tone softer than before. She's not yelling anymore, for which Emily is thankful; she doesn't want this to turn into some big argument, though part of her feels like maybe it's too late for that.
"I asked you first," is her lame response.
Quinn laughs wryly and shakes her head. "This isn't kindergarten." She sighs, reclaiming her seat across from Sadie. She reaches across the table and takes Emily by the hand. "Just... let it go, please, and I'll do the same. We can pretend this whole conversation never happened. We can pretend you didn't hear me."
She sounds so desperate and it breaks Emily's heart, but as much as she wants to, she can't let this go. She knows Quinn can't, either, no matter how good she is at pretending. Emily knows better than anyone that, after a while, pretending grows tiring and less easy.
"You're not going to tell me, are you?" Quinn shakes her head. She looks regretful. "And I'm not going to tell you," she says with a sigh. "I'm not keeping things from you because I want to, Quinn," she continues after a moment, hoping that if she explains, maybe Quinn will understand. Maybe they'll be okay. "There are certain things about Rosewood that you wouldn't understand. A lot of people have been hurt and I don't want you to end up on that list. I won't risk it."
"Way to be cryptic and dramatic," Quinn mutters, but she doesn't let go of Emily's hand. Emily hopes that's a good sign. "I don't want to be keeping secrets from you, either," she continues. Emily chooses to believe her because the look on her face makes it really hard to believe she's lying. "There are a few things I have to deal with before I can talk about... her. I need to make peace with myself and reconcile with people that I haven't been all that great towards recently because being around hi-them reminds me too much of what I'm trying to forget."
Emily's not stupid; she knows Quinn is referring to Puck. Maybe she's referring to someone else, too, but Puck is a part of it. A big part.
She doesn't want to say what she's thinking, but she knows they can't continue like this. They can't be together until there are no more secrets, until they're completely ready to start opening up about the things they've been hiding. Emily's not ready, no matter how much she wishes she was, and Quinn obviously isn't, either, so...
"Where do we go from here?" she asks.
She knows the answer. She just doesn't want to be the one to say it, though hearing it won't be much better.
Quinn swallows and for the first time, Emily notices the tears in her girlfriend's eyes and feels her own tears fighting to fall.
"I-I think we need to take a break."
She doesn't say anything; she doesn't think she can. It feels like her heart is stuck in her throat.
After taking a deep breath, she nods and manages to choke out, "I think you're right."
author's note: to your kat, no, your use of the term 'self-deprecating' didn't upset me at all. honest. i was mostly agreeing with you because i know it's true. i've always been that way, and trust me, you are not the first to point it out, so don't feel bad. it's no big deal. :) and thank you, that's very sweet of you.
okay, on to my actual note, uhm... i don't even know how i feel about this. it feels... rushed to me, i guess, but i can't think of a way to fix it, so i'm just going to post it despite how i feel about it. i hope you guys at least enjoy it a little - if not, that's completely fine.
i know the end is kind of a 'mean' place to leave it, but that's the only part i actually do like. i'm not sure how many chapters are left, but i can assure you it's very few. i'm thinking of maybe adding in a parent or two in the next chapter, but i'm not sure, so... anyway, thank you for all the lovely reviews. :)
