Far From Perfect

His heart was beating in his throat. What the hell had happened? Was it good or bad and was it even real? He had kissed his would-be enemy and he didn't even care. He knew it shouldn't have happened but he let it happen anyway. But that he could deal with. The vase, the bloody vase just had to fall to the floor. They hadn't touched it, they were too far away to have even brushed it. It was magic, it had to be. Couldn't he have restrained himself from it? And why hadn't it happened when Gwen kissed him, she jumped him and Morgana hadn't. He knew the answer, he didn't love Gwen, he loved Morgana. Couldn't he learn to supress his magic? Then everything would be alright.

Merlin was on his way back to Gaius. He was unable to cope with fear of Morgana finding out he had magic. The questions she would've asked, he couldn't lie to her. But the must cruel thing of all was that he did love her. Back in his room he laid down on his back and kept tapping his head against the wall. Emotions ran rampant inside his head. Joy for she loved him, sad that it could never be and angry for the reasons they couldn't. It was agony. Times like these he wished he had no magic, had no destiny, things would be so much better without. How could he ever come to see her as an enemy, like Kilgharrah had told him, when they loved each other. Was it but a dream, not meant to be? He refused to cry, he couldn't put his pain on display for the world to see. People would ask questions to which he had no answers save for the truth he wouldn't share.

He kept remembering, replaying the evening in his head, in hopes of eventually numbing the pain. He had done it before even though now was different, now he knew she loved him back. He kept replaying the memory, again and again, until something else entirely came to mind. Had it been his magic that acted out or had it been hers? She had magic even if she didn't know it yet and emotions could amplify it greatly as it had done to him with Nimueh. If merely kissing could bring out her magic then he didn't want to risk Uther or anyone else finding out about it. He couldn't tell her, she'd think it was a joke or worse... She could think he was trying to save his own skin at the cost of hers. If she would die because he wasn't willing to sacrifice his love for her, he would never be able to forgive himself.

The next morning Morgana told her maid she felt ill and she really did feel ill but it was all because she feared Merlin didn't share her feelings. When they kissed, it had been so amazing, he had kissed back. She always thought of him as cute, modest and handsome but underneath it all was a passion she had never felt or even seen before. 'Yes' and 'no' were understandable answers but kissing her like that and then leaving without a word lefy her with only a bittersweet memory. Not knowing his mind confused her and she felt ill because of it.

Gwen didn't know what to think of the Lady's behaviour. At least with the dreams she knew what it was, she could say something, but this was so much more than a stomach ache. At one point during the day she thought it could've been because she didn't actually approve of her and Arthur but this would be overboard, even for Morgana. Morgana thought her absence would hopefully trigger a reaction from Merlin but when Arthur visited her, the manservant was nowhere to be seen.
"How are you feeling?" He asked.
"Nauseous." She lied.
"Did you see Merlin today?" Arthur asked. She would've liked to see him as well but she wasn't going to let on something had happened.
"How could I have seen him, I've been in my room all day. Did you lose him again?" She teased him.
"No, he's polishing my armour. It's just..." Arthur wanted to talk about Merlin rather than talking to the man himself, something was up. She frowned a bit and he continued.
"He's acting strange, stranger than usual."
"Isn't that just Merlin?" She faked a smile.
"No. Sir Leon found him on the battlements this morning, Gwen is the one who woke me."
"Hasn't this happened before?" She hoped it had, that it wasn't her fault but her other half hoped it was, that she had moved him in some way, that he cared.
"No, it hasn't. Something's bothering him and I can't imagine what it might be. I've barely given him any chores and I don't hear him complain." He shrugged.
"Haven't you asked him?"
"I tried to. The third time he almost struck me."
"Struck you?"
"It was during sword practice." He admitted with dented pride. Morgana rolled her eyes, even Arthur should know that was the wrong moment to ask.
"And I brought you your sleeping draft." He said, putting the flask on the nightstand. Oh Arthur, had I a sword... Now Merlin wouldn't need to visit her chambers to bring it, the one moment she was sure he would come.
"Thank you, Arthur. Now if you don't mind..."
"Of course. Get well soon."
With the closing of the door she fell back onto her pillow. She had been keeping up appearances and Merlin had attacked Arthur, which wasn't like him at all. If he went on the way he had, people would know something was amiss. She would have to talk to him, this had to be dealt with.

That night she got dressed and went down to the physician's chambers. There was the risk she would run into Gaius but it would be well worth the risk. Thankfully the physician wasn't there. Merlin was sitting with his back towards her and didn't notice her entering, his minds elsewhere, probably with the book he was reading.
"Merlin," He seemed a bit startled but only looked at her from the corner of his eyes. "we need to talk, Arthur said you're distracted."
"He's being a prat again, that's all." He said.
"So yesterday meant nothing?" She could see him flinch, it wasn't nothing. Hidden from her sight he gulped, yesterday meant everything to him. Time passed by. He didn't know what so say, how to discourage her without lying to her, he struggled to find the words. He didn't want to look like a coward but he was, he couldn't even face her. His back was still towards her and when she opened the door to leave, finally the words came to him.
"Arthur and Gwen aren't always as happy as they might seem." He spoke truth. Merely the comparison, that he would compare them to Arthur and Gwen told her he did feel for her. "There are times I can see how much it hurts him having to hide it from everyone and Gwen lives in fear of Uther forcing him to marry some princess, it's not a fairy tale." He said.
"But we can try." She argued.
"You're the king's ward-"
"And Arthur's his son, did that stop Gwen?" She interrupted him. She wasn't heir to the throne, she wasn't the one Uther had set his hopes on.
"So we'd look forward to what? Hiding in the shadows? Feeling our hearts jump at every sound? It's waiting for an accident to happen." He tried to discourage her but it didn't work.
"I understand you're scared but I know you feel for me too and I can't give it up." She said. He felt cornered. She wanted to fight for it, she believed in their love whereas he tried to hide from it. He made his way to the door, he had to escape.
"I've done it before and so can you." He muttered. She grabbed him by his jacket and pushed him up against the wall, she really wasn't going to give it up without a fight but she wasn't going to hurt him physically.
"Before?" She asked. What was 'before'? What happened 'before'? She looked into his eyes for answers but again he couldn't face the truth and averted his gaze.
"When Arthur said he wanted to trade servants, I said yes because I thought I could deal with us just being friends." He said. All this time. She thought. He had helped her dress, he had comforted her, all the times his arm was around her, all this time he had restrained himself thinking it could never be. She forced her lips on his, she would make him see one way or another. But he didn't kiss back and turned his head away from her. She knew he loved her, knew he wanted to kiss her, but he wouldn't do it. She couldn't believe this was how it was going to be. A love forbidden, a love denied and all because of their standings. He always did the right thing, she always liked that about him, but why couldn't he see he was wrong? He broke the rules for the druid boy, he could've been killed for it, but he wouldn't break them for her, not even for love. She stormed out of the room, tears stinging her eyes.

Merlin slid down against the wall and he too began crying. His dream had become his nightmare, this wasn't what he wanted at all. It pained him to do this but he couldn't risk her accidentally revealing her magic, he would never forgive himself for that. He felt alone in the world and he couldn't reach out to the person he cared most about, fearing that love would turn to turmoil and haunt her for the rest of her life although that might have happened already.

Gwen heard a soft noise outside Morgana's room and went inside to see what was going on. The king's ward was crying in her bed. She was clutching one of her pillows whist another had been flung at the vanity. Whatever it was, it wasn't a nightmare. Gwen sat down on the edge of the bed and noticed she was wearing a green dress and not her nightgown. She softly put her hand on Morgana's shoulder.
"Why won't he try?" Morgana sobbed. It was clear to Gwen this was about Merlin. The two had been acting strangely for a short while and one of them, hopefully just one of them, had gotten hurt. So what did he do to bring Morgana to tears?
"He kissed back. He feels the same and still he won't, I don't understand." The Lady kept sobbing. Gwen felt sorry for her and wasn't sure anymore that it was Merlin that had done this to her. Surely Merlin wouldn't have denied her, Gwen had long since figured out he had feelings for her.
"So you love him?" Gwen asked.
"Yes." She sobbed.