I woke up in the hospital on the afternoon of 15th of this month. They kept me there for a little while and since then, I have been forced to go to therapy.
They say that I am depressed.
But I haven't been depressed since sometime after I awoke in the hospital...
Beside my bed was a man. His blonde hair covered his red, crying face. He had obviously been there all night. He looked a mess and I could hear his sobs and his quiet, deep voice saying something. It sounded like he was praying.
I wanted to reach over and touch him, but I was unsure of how he would react. I didn't know if he was crying for me or if it was for some other reason. So I simply stared at him through almost blank, blurry, eyes. My head was aching terribly and my stomach was in even more pain than that.
I wondered if I was actually alive...
I had taken enough medication to die... but it had become a slow process. Much slower and more painful than I could have imagined.
As I watched the poor blonde man cry, I started to remember what had happened. The pills. The pains. Collapsing to the floor in my bathroom. My sight becoming fuzzy and almost non-existent.
And I remembered him. He had come to my home for some reason. He called my name and I didn't respond. My body was already convulsing from the overdose.
What kind of medication had I taken?
Oh yes... a little bit of everything I had.
Anyway...
I remember hearing his voice call my name a few more times, a little more worried each time he yelled for me.
Then his footsteps up the stairs and to my room. Then into the bathroom connected to my room... this is where he found me.
I cried quietly when I saw his expression. He was horrified. Terrified. Shocked.
But what caught my attention most was... the tears running down his cheeks.
The way his blue eyes seemed to be pools of deep, sorrowful, water.
And I thought for a second that maybe, these tears were for me.
His arms wrapped around me protectively in the next moment and I could hear his sobs. His strong arms felt almost limp as he held me close. The last thing I remember from that night was his promise, "Don't worry, liebe, I'm here. And I'm not going to let you go. I won't let you die.". Then another painful convulsion started and I blacked out until the next afternoon.
As I finished this memory, almost certain that it was completely true, he looked up from his place beside my hospital bed.
It was obvious he had been crying, but as soon as he looked at me, his eyes lit up. I think that it was a smile that appeared across his trembling lips. He put a hand out towards my face, as though checking to make sure that I was real. When I touched his fingers with mine, he almost jumped.
We interlocked our fingers, both sets of them shaking into each others grasp. He held my hand tightly as his eyes began to water again.
"I-I thought you had left me, liebe. I-I thought that you were..." He never did finish that sentence.
I tried to speak, but I couldn't. My throat was sore and my body still felt as though it belonged to somebody else. It had taken all the willpower I had just to reach out and lock my fingers with his.
So I simply smiled at him as gently as I could. I knew that I was starting to cry also and I tried not to.
A few moments later, another person entered the room...
"Doitsu! Doitsu! I brought you some food~!" Feliciano's voice was childish as always.
My mood immediately changed when I remembered why I had wanted to kill myself. My mind flashed back to times of the pair before me holding hands and smiling lovingly at each other.
With this thought, my heart dropped and so did my hand. My fingers no longer locked with Ludwig-san's. It wasn't on purpose, but it happened. It could easily be blamed on how weak I was at this point.
Ludwig looked at me, then at his now empty hand. When he looked back up, I was looking away. I hoped that they would think I had fallen asleep.
"Kiku?" Ludwig stood up and hovered over me, trying to look at my face. I covered my head with the pillow and wished silently for them to both leave me. I think that I fell asleep after a little while. I was still so very tired.
My eyes stayed closed, even as the pillow was gently removed. But they didn't stay closed for long.
I felt soft lips against mine and my eyes opened almost instantly. Ludwig-san was still hovering over me, but he was partially on the bed beside me, one hand gently touching my thigh, the other near my head, holding himself up as he kissed me.
My first reaction was to pull away. My face turned a violent shade of red and Ludwig stared at me as though I did something wrong.
"Are you okay? Did I do something?" He asked. His deep, commanding voice always clutched at my throat. I still couldn't speak well, so I stared at him, wide eyed and a little nervous."Feliciano-kun is gone, if that matters." He whispered lying behind me, resting his head against my shoulder and neck, kissing there occasionally. I let out a small, surprised, noise... a squeal, perhaps?... as he kissed my neck again and again. I could feel his tears running down to my collarbone before following a path back to the bed.
We just lied there like this for what seemed to be eternity. The best eternity I could have ever imagined. I sighed quietly when I heard him whisper small "I love you"'s into my ear. His stomach and chest pressed tightly to my back as he held me as close as I thought possible. I could feel his breathing, calm but shaky.
Maybe he had wanted this as much as I did...
But nothing else mattered in that moment... all I knew right then was him. The way his skin felt soft but rough against my own. The way he smelled of beer and sweat, a familiar, intoxicating, combination. The way his voice held me captive, and I was sure that if I had been lying facing him, his sky eyes would have captured me too.
All that I cared about right then was him. He was finally mine again, even though I knew it would end soon.
I cried again, almost too hard. Ludwig kissed my head and neck gently, a lovely contrast to his strong body.
"Ich liebe dich, Kiku. I'll never let you leave me again."
