A/N: I would like to personally thank all of the people who submitted a comment for Kaworu's blog. You really brought this chapter to life. I used ALL of the submissions that I had gotten. Seriously, thank you all so much. I am heavily considering another reader interactive prompt like this later down the line in the story. Two artists on tumblr drew fanart for their dance/the forehead kiss in ch 8 and that made me happier than you could ever imagine. Thank you so much, both of you! Please, enjoy this chapter.

Recommended Listening 1: Honeythief - Halou (I BEG YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG WHILE READING.)

Recommended Listening 2: Taproot - Poem (Kaworu's feelings)

Disclaimer: I don't own the songs.


'Tabris…that was a really nice thing you did last night! It made my heart melt. The look on that guy's face when you said your poem about him to him! OMG!'

'Well damn. That was a pretty ballsy meatspace debut. You've got a lovely voice, Tabris.'

'You & Cerulean were so cuuuuuuuuuuute! So that's what you look like! Ur a hottie!'

'You never fail to amaze me Tabris! Cerulean is so lucky to receive such a beautiful confession, I hope that person reacted as you wished! Good luck with that, but don't forget your fans also!'

'I saw you there and wanted to say hello, but I wasn't expecting you to be there with a boyfriend =/ '

'I wanted to go over to Tabris' table and get his autograph. I'm a huge fan and he looks so nice in person. But then I choked on my coke and it came out my nose when I noticed he started being lovey dovey with that other boy. I wasn't expecting that but they were really cute together. My new shirt was ruined because of them tho, hahaha!'

'Tabris…I never bothered to ask before but YOU WERE SINGLE?! Well I guess not anymore! =P '

'Aww man, Tabris totally ruined my date. My girlfriend kept looking over at him and his date and telling me how cute they are and shit. Tabris this and Tabris that! That's all she talked about that evening! What's even so great about that guy?! He acts so high and mighty, ugh!'

'Tell Cerulean I said hello and come back any time! You too!'

'I KNEW IT! HE´S TOTALLY GAY! I won 20 bucks thanks to him and his date! Best day ever!'

'I can't believe Tabris was finally seen in public! Not only that but with another guy!? They were so affectionate toward each other!'

'I didn't know you were batting for the other team. I mean, I'll still follow your blog but I'm a little disappointed is all.'

'We saw you dance! That little kiss for Cerulean! You were so fucking smooth Scarlet!'

'Bro…I hope you got lucky last night! Cerulean is a cutie!'

'…were you on a date!?'

'staaaaap das gay'

He expected messages, both anonymous and not, to show up after the night he'd had. He just hadn't expected the sheer amount of them. The ones he'd quickly read through made him crack a wide amused grin. He made a mental note to send Shinji a text and ask him to not change his screen name for his own protection, as he noticed some of the comments from anonymous users were getting quite mean as he kept going through them. That was fine; he just deleted the worst ones after reading through them.

He looked down to the bottom right hand corner of his screen to check the time.

I'm going at the regular time. I wonder if he'll notice what's different about me today.

Kaworu felt more refreshed than ever, which was saying something. He'd been recollecting the previous night with fondness, a little blush on his cheeks as he recalled events from their first date.

The thought had crossed his mind to kiss Shinji, but he decided not to. The little peck to his forehead in the club was as far as they'd gotten and he was grateful. He was still supporting the smaller things, such as holding hands and helping Shinji get used to human touch, as opposed to something like an actual kiss. Although it seemed like the perfect opportunity when they danced.

Shinji had been looking up at him with the most innocent and adorable eyes he'd ever seen on a human being. He'd let him keep that innocence, even if he did wonder what a longing expression would have been like…

He sighed.

13:27…

He'd gone to bed when he'd gotten home and actually slept for once. He'd been afraid to before, but he was calmed by thinking about the night he'd had and about that face looking up at him with quite the smile.

His smile…

He got up from his seat, laptop running, leaving his desk, and walked back over to his bed, collapsing on it. Wrapping his arms around one of the many pillows and hugging it close to his chest.

If I didn't see him so often, I'm not quite sure what I'd do…

It was ironic really. On the outside, Shinji was the one embarrassed and stuttering, relying on him. It was probably because the brunette was better at letting his emotions surface whether he realized it or not.

He hugged the pillow tighter. He was the opposite. Everything he did had to be processed, calculated, options weighed, before coming out. He had to be that way to protect himself. From Shinji though? It was strange…being able to just be himself with another person. Being open and honest from the very beginning. Speaking his mind and not being criticized for every little thing. It was something that kept him coming back for more time with Shinji Ikari every single day.

It was a reason why he felt he couldn't just stay friends.

The more time I invest into this, the more I feel that…I need him…perhaps as much as he needs me…

His phone buzzed. He reached for it and brought it to his face to unlock the screen and read the message. He smiled.

'Do you think we could do that again sometime? I had a lot of fun…'

He messaged back his first thought. 'Anything for you Shinji-kun.' To give it a bit of umph, he put a little heart next to it before sending. He rolled over onto his back, putting his phone back on the bed and looking up at the ceiling, thinking that perhaps Shinji had gotten flustered from the message.

Living alone was both a blessing and a curse. He could let his mind wander but at the same time, that's where the danger was.

Shinji's smile came back to mind and he had to focus on that when he started hearing the voices again. His breaths got heavier. In less than two hours he was supposed to be leaving to head to the café and come in with the afternoon rush.

There was no telling how long this episode would last. However, he widened his eyes as the fear crept up on him again. I should…take my medication…

The eyes…they were on him again and he froze in place when a shadowy figure moved in his peripheral vision. He breathed heavier. Perhaps he'd be late today. As much as he wanted to go and take his meds, he couldn't. No…the fear didn't allow him to. This was the downfall, what happened when he went too long without tending to his own needs.

Shinji…

He really enjoyed being there for someone else. He neglected his own needs for the sake of his wants. He wanted to continue being there for Shinji.

"No…"

Everything was happening too fast. He wanted to move, to hold himself. He tried to move…couldn't. He didn't want this to happen…not now. What would he see today? What was out to get him? He wasn't sure.

It was a little silly to believe that someone else could be the cure to his own suffering. That wasn't how it worked, so he would suffer the consequences.

He felt like he was being crushed.

The ability to move returned and he'd dropped everything to bring his hands up and clutch at silver locks, shivering violently. All of his senses were out of whack. Time? What time was it? He didn't even care to know. Physical feelings? He didn't want to feel those any longer. He'd wished that he would feel anything but this…this crushing. He closed his eyes tightly. The thing in his room...it refused to be in any other view but peripheral vision, so he decided he just didn't even want to look at it.

The angel…

He was hyperventilating.

Stop…stop…

The panic was rising.

Please…stop…

His ring tone went off. He was getting a call. He'd have been able to pick it up if he'd have been able to notice it at all.

What was there to get him out of this madness?

S-Shinji…

He shivered more. Deciding to attempt at focusing, he had to try to make Shinji a focal point; otherwise he'd pull his hair out from the anxiety and paranoia. They were out to get him. Out to hurt him…again.

"I…", Shinji was looking up at him with a small blush, "I never got your full name or asked when your birthday is. I'm sorry!"

The memories of their walk after they'd left the speakeasy came to mind.

He'd smiled wider, "Nagisa. My full name is Kaworu Nagisa. My birthday already passed. It's September 13th. When is yours?"

Shinji blinked, "Oh no…I can't believe it was in September! I guess it'd be too late to get you something since it's December. Ah…my birthday is June 6th."

He breathed a little easier. Why something as simple as that came to mind, he wasn't sure, but it was appreciated.

These feelings were not getting better or worse, he'd just have to bear with it for as long as it lasted. Hopefully it wouldn't be hours again.

The feelings reared their ugly heads back at him again, he opened his eyes wide, clutching the pillow as tightly as he could, staring ahead of him.

Make it stop...make it stop…make it stop…

Please…I can't take it…

Where are my meds? It's past tick tok…

It's past tick tok…

What is the word?

What am I?

Time…yes…time…I had to think so hard to think of it…

The knife…am I here? Where is here? What is here?

I should make another notch in my skin…

I need to tell...I need to tell…

I have to.

Tick tok…

What's real?

Am I awake?

Am I dreaming? Is it gone? Is the angel gone? Is it still there? Is it watching me?

Will it hurt?

If it's a dream, it shouldn't matter if I test it out a little. If I cut then I can tell…that will show them…

A waterfall…red waterfall…

Oh yes…its blood…it's mine…all mine…

A river…my river…

He pulled his hair more.

There's something floating in the river…

They're out to get me…the angels…no…no…no I don't want to…leave me alone.

I don't want to go.

Don't…please.

Don't take me to the river.

That's where the bodies are…

Another phone call.

This time he'd heard it and snatched up the phone to answer.

"You didn't come by today, so I thought there might have been something wrong…"

Shit…

He didn't know the time. He didn't know how long he'd been suffering in silence. Even so, that soft voice was bringing him back, "C-can we meet? Please?" Red river…river of red…there are vertebrae in the river…

On the other line, Shinji had put his now empty lunch bag back in his locker, "Sure. Where…"

"The park near your café. I can meet you there. Just you…" Leave me alone…help me…please…

"Kaworu is something wrong?"

He had his hand over his face, "I'd just really like to see you right now…", he hung up, not sure just how in the world he was going to manage this. He didn't want to move. He could have asked that Shinji come to his home, but home was the last place he wanted to be. On the other hand, it wasn't like leaving would make any of this go away.

SHIT…

It was the crushing; the crushing feeling was the worst part. Metal surrounded his body from every angle. Enveloped him like a cocoon…cold hard metal pressing in on itself and against his body. Not stopping when he'd heard the sickening pop and crackle of his own ribs cave in and felt the vile nausea catch in his throat at the image of his body slowly compressing against itself. Slowly…slowly…crushing him…no matter how hard he wanted to push back with his limbs, the metal was too strong. Were they trying to kill him? The monsters that plagued his mind and work?

When the feelings went away, he got up and ran without a second thought.


Shinji had a little bag with him and blushed a little.

"That's weird. He's here every day. Did something come up?", Asuka blinked and looked at the clock again.

Rei shrugged, "Maybe he had to do something work related. Actually Shinji does he even work? Considering the times he comes in, I'd say they're more like student hours."

Shinji shook his head, "He works from home."

"Call him! We'll cover for you!", Asuka was tapping her foot, "I mean he didn't even call or text! Just not showing up?"

Shinji nodded, "Oh but maybe he'll be hungry if I meet up with him today. I'll make something."

Asuka piped up, "Me too!"

Rei sighed, "I guess I can chip in too."

The lunch bag for Kaworu was a collaborative effort, which made it a little more special. He hadn't told his coworkers about the previous night; about being out and dancing, about the confession via poem, about the little kiss to the forehead. He hadn't said a word. It belonged in the part of his mind responsible for storing his newly developed cherished memories. It was pretty obvious, in his own mind at least, that they were more than friends now.

So he was confused when the day after their first date, Kaworu hadn't showed up. He'd gotten the one text that made him nearly spill coffee on himself from embarrassment. 'Anything for you Shinji-kun.' When he'd responded, he hadn't gotten anything.

After Asuka and Rei noticed Kaworu's absence, they urged him to call.

He was so relieved when Kaworu picked up. Honestly, he tried his best to not show any signs of worry, but the girls seemed to pick up on it and would hold down the fort while he went to check on him. It was past lunch and he prayed silently that there wouldn't be any more rushes of people. He'd asked them to text him updates of how they were doing without him there.

He'd gotten a text, a little surprised to see it was from Kaworu.

'Are you here?'

He sent a 'yes' back and waited.

'I'm sitting on a bench near the usual path. Sorry, I'm not really good to walk.'

Now he was even more worried and walked faster.

The playground, the swing sets they'd become familiar with during their talks when they were friends…it was all so familiar now. There were benches some feet away probably designated for parents to sit and watch their kids.

He was grateful that no one really seemed to be around.

"Kaworu!?"

Shinji put the lunch bag on the bench and kneeled before the clearly distraught teen. Kaworu was sitting, hunched forwards, holding himself, visibly shaken.

Without hesitation, he found himself drawing the albino teen into a hug.

Kaworu sighed, "I'm sorry…"

"You don't have to be sorry about anything. I had the feeling something was wrong", he hugged him tighter, "Did you see something or…?" He was a little surprised when paler arms came around him tightly and Kaworu buried his face on the coat fabric of his shoulder.

There was just a silence and rather than a deafening or eerie silence, it seemed peaceful as heavy breaths steadied and calmed.

"Thank you…Shinji…"

"It's no problem. I understand better than anyone how bad an episode can be. I mean I…kind of understand. I don't really know what you go through other than what you tell me."

"I feel helpless actually. Even now, I can't really do anything…" I don't know how long this grip of myself will last…

"You didn't hurt yourself did you?"

"No…why would I when that would only worry you?"

"Kaworu…you're shaking so much. Are you…still having an episode right now?" He closed his eyes for a moment when he was held tighter.

Kaworu lifted his head and slinked back to stare at him.

The look of absolute terror made his heart sink. Kaworu wasn't like him; he wasn't crying or anything from his symptoms. What can I do to help? I want him to be happy. What could I possibly say to get that look off of his face? It's scaring me…and I feel so bad for him. At the same time… "It's gonna be okay." Paranoia…I do my best to not forget that paranoia is a big part of what he goes through. It's not just seeing things. "Do you…see something right now?"

He slowly shook his head in response.

"That's good. You don't see anything. Um…", What can I even do? He said he feels useless but I'm the one who feels useless. "You take medication right? Did you skip it today? Do you have it with you?"

His mouth seemed to barely move, "Yes…"

"I'll go with yes as in you have it on you. If you don't mind, I'm going to let go now", he pulled away and unwrapped his arms, looking for a bag and not seeing one. He opted for going in his coat pockets. Here we go. He pulled out the prescription and looked at it in wonder. Dr. Ryoji Kaji…this must be his psychiatrist. He shook his head and went to open the cap, "I'll help you okay? Let's get you to take it and things should calm down."

The next frightened look nearly threw him off track.

"It's okay. It's me…Shinji! I'm here", Kaworu's not talking back to me…is he getting worse? I can't really tell. GAH! This is really confusing! It's not like I can read his mind or see what he sees. And it's not like I can put a band aid on it to make it all better when it's all mental…

Turning, he reached for the lunch bag and took out the water bottle he'd been sure to drop in at the last minute, "Kaworu, I have some water for you. Here!"

Thank goodness. He's cooperating. He eagerly watched him take the water to help the pill go down. He took the bottle back and put the cap on it when he was sure the deed was done. Now I guess we just have to wait for it to take effect…however long that is…

"It's…"

Shinji quirked a brow.

"It sucks that you have to see me like this."

It was Shinji's turn to sigh, "After all the times you'd seen me a mess? This is only the second time I've seen an episode of yours. I'm glad you called me."

Kaworu hung his head.

"Hey…you know…I don't really mind if you come to me when you're in trouble okay? I mean…I don't really know what to do most of the time, but I wouldn't want you to be alone in dealing with it." Where is this sudden confidence coming from? I'm not even sure.

"Thank you…"

They fell back into silence, yet Shinji noticed the shaking hadn't stopped.

"Kaworu…", he bit his lip. The paranoia must still be there. He still looks scared out of his mind.

Kaworu shook his head, "I can still hear them…"

Voices in the head was one of the symptoms that I'd read. "Are they saying anything?"

"N-no…it's not talking…it's these noises…"

"Noises?"

"I can't even begin to describe…"

"You don't have to. It's okay." He sighed. Awareness of the time was gone. Thankfully, his phone hadn't gone off or vibrated to signify a text. Asuka and Rei must have been doing okay back at work. He'd told them, in all honestly, he wasn't sure when he'd be back in or if he would at all. He felt kind of bad for not telling them about Kaworu's issue. He hadn't told anyone, yet at the same time he wasn't sorry.

Wait…what am I…?

His hands were holding each side of the black collar of Kaworu's coat. He couldn't understand his own actions. He's having so much anxiety and paranoia….I just want to help him, even if he'll forget his problems for just a moment. I want to see him happy. I want to see him smiling again.

I like him that much…

It's making my own heart ache…

Please just be okay again. Smile again. I know it's scary but that's why I came here. You reached out and I don't mind dropping everything for you. To help you feel better…

Kaworu widened his eyes.

Because I like you that much…

His eyelids fluttered and closed.

Oh man…what am I even doing? He's usually the one who's so forward, not me. Please just…focus on something else. Focus on me. I'm right here. The voices don't need to hurt you; the monsters don't need to hurt you. I just…can't stand to see you looking so frightened like that anymore…like there is so much out to hurt you. Well I'm not...

Their lips met.

Shinji started to shiver within his own fearful spell. Did I do the wrong thing? He's not reacting at all…

It was awkward. He'd kissed him and it seemed like they were at a standstill. Until arms came around him in response and lips pressed further onto his own.

Shakiness seemed to stop and perhaps in that one small moment of time, both of their fears ceased to exist.

They'd stayed like that for what seemed like a minute before Kaworu pulled away.

Their eyes met before the albino came in to initiate another.

Shinji wasn't sure how but the tables had turned. Yet he was glad, so glad. He's okay now…

To top it off, the kiss felt nice. It was sort of awkward, because it wasn't like he knew more of what to do other than the most basic concept, the simple pressing of lips, but that was fine since it seemed Kaworu didn't either. Or if he did, he wasn't showing it.

Kaworu's phone started going off.

They parted and came back to reality, a little startled by the sound.

Shinji blinked when a hand was on top of his head, but he smiled when he got to see Kaworu's smile again.

"I don't know how many times I could possibly thank you. Saying it a hundred times wouldn't be enough."

"You don't need to. It's nothing really…"

"I'm very surprised", Kaworu ruffled his hair, "And delighted. I'm feeling a lot better now."

Face redder than before, he couldn't help but get embarrassed at the contact, despite him feeling the action was a little childish, "H-hey!"

"You're so cute."

He's himself again. I don't know if it was all the medication or…

"I don't think I told you how much I enjoyed your company last night. I have to admit something…"

"Yeah?"

"I definitely wanted to kiss you then."

His face was getting redder, "Oh…", he wanted to look away, but was transfixed on the scarlet irises so focused now. "I mean, sorry….I just didn't want you to stay focused on what you were going through."

"Honestly, I did skip out on taking my medication on time. It was careless and yet…"

"No no! I would do that too! I mean! I wouldn't want to take my anti-depressants on time some days. I wouldn't feel like it, even though I knew that I would just feel lower from not taking it. I understand…"

Kaworu thought for a moment, ruffling short brunette hair again, "I'm glad to have met you."

Shinji wasn't sure what to say in response, but he was cut off from speaking by Kaworu's phone going off again, "Are uh…you gonna get that?"

"No. I'll take care of it later."

"Well…", is it humanly possible to blush more!? "Asuka, Rei, and I packed you a lunch…"

"I'm famished actually. Thank you."

He'd gotten up from his kneeling position, picking up the little bag to take a seat next to Kaworu, opening it, "It's nothing too fancy but here you go."

Kaworu just looked amused, taking the lunch with a small smile.


"Oh come on answer your damn phone!", He'd tried again, only to get nothing. With a sigh, he decided to leave a voice message, "Kaworu it's me…Shigeru. You haven't gotten back to me on anything…again! I need to know what's up so I can talk to some art collectors for you. Are you even trying to get paid anymore!? What the hell man! You've been avoiding me for over a goddamn month!" He decided to leave it at that and leaned his head back to rest it against his black leather couch with a sigh, "Let me find out this dude got a girlfriend or something…shit."

He sighed again, "I'm just gonna have to pay him a visit then. Can't be helped when there's a potential buyer…"

The tv was blaring.

"But…I'll go tomorrow…"

He closed his eyes, shaking his head in disdain, "This asshole. Avoiding me! He'd better have a good excuse!"

He quirked a brow when he saw that he'd gotten a text from none other than the person he'd been trying to contact, "Someone I should meet? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" He hurried to reply. 'She'd better be fine as hell for you to have been ducking me for a month!'

The reply came quickly, 'I showed off some of the guitar skills you've taught me…just a little.'

'Well I can't even be mad anymore. Bass gets you some.'

'We're taking it slow.'

'So you're serious? Man, I know you go off to be all artsy and disappear from time to time, but I was worried. You hadn't contacted me in over a month.'

'I'm sorry. We've been spending a lot of time together. We're together right now.'

'Can I get a picture?'

'If you come around, you can meet.'

He blinked, "I can't get a picture but I can meet her?", he grinned, "Oh man maybe he did get himself a fine honey. Good for him! Or…maybe he won't send a picture because he doesn't think I'd find her hot but he does? OR…" He texted back, 'All is forgiven. I didn't even have to be your wing man! Go you! I'll see you tomorrow and I'll behave!' "Maybe she's super-hot and he thinks I'll lose my shit over how beautiful she must be! Shigeru Aoba…your weakness for hot chicks will not be your downfall tomorrow!" he blinked, "Wait son of a-! I'm not Mr. Steal Your Girl!"

Satisfied, he went to check his other messages before turning the volume up for his favorite soap opera.


A/N: Mr. Steal Your Girl...omfg...I'm watching too many Free (Iwatobi Swim Club) parodies...

If you, my reader, are on medication for an illness, be it mental or physical, please take your medication on time. This goes out to you. Please remember to take care of yourself...