Yuri: Hmm, another year another chapter. I'm shocking, I know, and I apologise. A few reviews showed up in my inbox recently prompting me to have another look at this story, and I ended up writing another chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership of Yu-Gi-Oh or any of its characters. Plus, parodies are protected under some act or law…so suck on it!


Chapter Nine

And thus we find our heroes once again fighting for the sake of the Earth in a children's card game.

...apparently you can do that now.

"Even after all this time, it seems you are still inferior to my power, Pharaoh!" Marik taunted, brandishing his Millennium rod as the shadow realm was summoned around him.

"Ha, you may be powerful, Marik," Yami scoffed, slowly getting to his feet as shards of cracked earth began to quiver and resonate around him. "But as always, the heart of the cards has afforded me an even greater power. The power to defeat you once and for all!"

Lightening tore through the darkened skies, the earth itself quaking as Yami summoned a power like none of them had even seen before. His hair changed, his eyes changed, his power increased tenfold.

"Suck it bitch!" Yami jeered, having transformed into a Super Saiyan for no adequately explained reason.

"Oh, you're good," Marik barked. "But I'm better!"

And then, Marik suddenly transformed in a Super Saiyan as well.

Standing on the sidelines, Yugi just blinked several times in utter confusion. Looking between Yami and Marik, Yugi couldn't help but wonder when all this had happened, and how he had missed it.

"Okay, is anyone else here a Super Saiyan?" He asked, addressing the crowd of bystanders that had gathered.

Like a Mexican wave, everyone, including Jou, Seto, Ryou, and Bakura raised their hands.

Yugi just stared in disbelief.

"...Oh, we are getting suuuuued."


For nearly two weeks now, Ryou had found himself experiencing the oddest range of symptoms and afflictions. He craved food one moment, only to be hurling it up the next. He was fatigued one day, and a horny, raging homosexual the next.

After using the internet to diagnose himself, Ryou had narrowed it down to hysterical pregnancy and...

"I have aids." Tom Hanks said in the movie Bakura was currently watching. Muting the sound, Bakura looked over the back of the couch at Ryou.

"What were you saying?"

"I have aids!" Ryou repeated. "Oh God, it all makes sense now. All that crazy, unprotected sex with men. All those times I got raped."

"...sucks to be you."


At Domino hospital, Ryou sat on a pristine white bed, feet dangling off the side impatiently as he waited with Bakura for the test results to arrive back.

The door opened shortly after, a doctor stepping inside with a chart dangling from his hand.

"Ryou Bakura, is it?" He asked before opening his chart and flicking through it. "I'm afraid you're going to die."

"WHAT?" Both boys exclaimed, jumping to their feet simultaneously.

"No...wait...live. You're going to live," the doctor corrected himself with a chuckle. "God, I always get those two mixed up."

Bakura fell back into his chair with an irritated sigh while Ryou nearly fainted on the bed.

"Let me guess," Bakura muttered darkly. "You weren't top of your class."

"I was actually part of a prison release program."

"Of course you were."

Clearing his throat, the doctor skimmed through Ryou's chart once more, looking between it and Ryou a few times.

"Okay, so you have hysterical pregnancy," he announced nonchalantly.

"I knew it!" Ryou shouted.

"Except, replace the word hysterical with actual," the doctor added as an afterthought.

Ryou's face suddenly blanched, a slight hint of green ghosting across his cheeks as he fought the visceral reaction that followed.

"WTF?" Bakura exclaimed. "He can't be pregnant. He's British!...I mean a boy."

"What? That's a boy? Seriously?" The doctor looked Ryou up and down before referring to his chart. "Well I'll be damned."

"How is that even possible?" Ryou uttered.

"Surely you have received some sort of sex education?" The doctor queried, unable to believe a sixteen year boy knew so little about sex.

"You'd think so, but no. Between children's card games, evil spirits trying to take over the world and being British, none of us have ever really had the time for school."

"You expect me to believe there is entire group of adolescents out there, far too enthralled with a children's card game to make the beast with two backs? To get jiggy with it? To ride the sperm whale? To do the nasty? To find the Kuriboh? To grease the Dark Magician's staff? To do a human Polymerisation?"

"...okay, you're just making those up now," Bakura stated bluntly.

"But what about your parents?" The doctor pressed on.

"My Dad was never really around so he just gave me a few copies of Hustler and the code to disable the V chip in our television. During the ninth grade I watched soooooooooooo much porn."

"Look," Bakura suddenly interjected. "Who really cares about scientific reasoning and basic human biology? He's pregnant because I'm Egyptian. It's what we do. Mystery solved, moving on. What do we do about the fact he's having a baby?"

Reviewing the chart in his hand, the doctor made a few humming noises before hanging the chart back on the bed, and addressing both boys directly.

"It's okay, because I've just finished reading the Twilight books, and I think I got the gist of it. So I reckon you can have this baby and still live," the doctor informed them, much to the horror of both Ryou and Bakura.

"WTF?" Ryou shouted indignantly "You're giving me medical advice based on what you read in a series of books that were riddled with plot holes and inconsistencies?"

"You actually read the books?" Bakura exclaimed. "Why? They're awful, just awful."

"Bakura!"

"...I mean, whatever Ryou said!" Bakura quickly corrected himself. "...sparkling vampires, it just doesn't make any sense. I'd make a better vampire, as I proved in the last chapter. I really need to look into that."

The doctor explained to them the physically impossible process of a male pregnancy that defied all scientific explanation and would never be adequately explained, before giving them a moment to take it all in.

As the shock of it all was just starting fade, the door was suddenly thrown open to reveal...

"Holy shit, it's Barney the Dinosaur!" Bakura exclaimed.

"What? No, I'm Mary Sue!" The girl retorted with great offence. "And I'm here to reveal that I am pregnant with your child, Bakura."

Audience gasp

Insert dramatic soap opera plot twist music here

"The fuck?" Bakura replied, absolutely dumbfounded. "You're going to have run that by me again."

"I'm having your baby," Mary Sue repeated.

"No, that part I got," Bakura started slowly. "I'm just a little confused as to how you got pregnant, seeing as how babies require sex, and I, nor anyone else, would touch you even if we were wearing full body hazmat suits."

"And yet getting a sixteen year old boy pregnant through some ancient Egyptian curse seems perfectly normal to you?" Mary Sue shot back.

"...touché."

"Bakura, how could you!" Ryou shouted in tears. "And with her?"

Bakura just stared at his other half in utter disbelief.

"Really?" He asked incredulously. "You really think I would stick my beep into that mess? And that'd we'd beep while she beeped and I beeped on her lubed up beep with a wet beep beep and then the parrot would beep and I'd be all like beeeeeeeeeeep and then she'd beep in the parking lot with the beep beep beep while the priest beeped beep and I'd beep the beep beach ball beep motor oil beeped the lamp post beep and finally we'd finish with beeped beep beep beeeeeep beep sledgehammer on a watermelon?"

The room's other occupants just stared at Bakura, stunned.

"Young man," the doctor began carefully. "I'm not entirely sure you understand the mechanics of sex...or, at least not healthy sex."

"Neither does anyone else on this site, but that doesn't stop them from writing about it."

"Oh, this is all too much!" Ryou cried dramatically, tears springing to his eyes. "All this stress, I'm think I'm going into early labour!"

"You're six weeks pregnant, genius," Bakura pointed out bluntly. "If you gave birth now they'd be no way of knowing which one was the baby and which was the afterbirth."

"...shut up."

"Oh, Miss Mary Sue?" A petite, young nurse called, sticking her head in the door. "We got your test results back," she continued, before stepping inside and handing the doctor Mary Sue's chart. "Turns out you're not pregnant. You're just fat...really, really fat. Just a big, old, worthless, sack of fat ass...that's you."

"Thank you!" Bakura sighed in exasperation, someone finally taking his side in the matter.

Devastated, Mary Sue ran off and...well, you don't care now, do you?

....

Yeah, didn't think so.


Yuri: And there you have it. Sex education, Yu-gi-oh style. Hope you all learned something.