Chapter 9: Clod in the Shell

A/N: A day late. Whoops?


The sunrise was always her favorite part of the rotation.

Peridot sat on a bench in the Marsh family's backyard, simply observing nature. The evergreen tree branches rustled slightly in the breeze, the birds sang while they went about their morning routines, and the various woodland critters hopped playfully in the seemingly permanent layer of snow that covered the town. She sighed when she thought about how the planet she loved so much seemed not to know how much danger it was in.

She estimated that they only had six days left before the Corrupting Light was ready to be activated. Next Wednesday, if they were not stopped, President Garrison's administration would activate the device and eradicate the Crystal Gems once and for all… perhaps even more than that. She truthfully had no idea what the full effects of the Corrupting Light were. She wasn't there. Would the other creatures of the Earth simply go about their days totally unaware of what had happened? Or would they, too, be destroyed? Would the people of South Park miss a beat? Would Beach City eventually return to normal?

The last week had been spent setting up her most elaborate, high-stakes mission yet. Everything was finally in place. Peridot knew that this was, quite possibly, the last sunrise she would ever see. The likelihood of her being captured, shattered, or worse, corrupted, during the mission was high. Higher than she was comfortable with. But she was okay with that. It was in planning for this event that she realized she was willing to die for the greater good of this planet. She supposed that made her a patriot.

She hadn't seen any of the other Crystal Gems since their departure from South Park, and honestly, it killed her inside. She never thought she'd say this, and she certainly wouldn't to his face, but she wanted to see Steven's dumb, pudgy, smiling face again. She wanted him to make her watch his dumb cartoons, she wanted Amethyst to make dumb jokes about Peridot's uptight mannerisms and short stature, she wanted to see Pearl's dumb pointy nose again, she wanted to not know for sure what Garnet's dumb fusion brain was thinking. She wanted to see Lapis again, period. She cared so much about every single one of them. So she'd die to protect them, too, she supposed.

"You're up early," an older voice said behind her. Peridot turned her head slightly and saw Randy's wife, Sharon Marsh, standing in the doorway. "Wanted to catch the sunrise, huh?"

Peridot chuckled, and looked back at the sunrise. "I'm up still," she responded, her eyes following a rabbit as it hopped across the ground near a tree. "I don't sleep. Not like humans do, anyway."

"You were out here all night?" Peridot nodded.

"I'm just… thinking about things," she replied. "When I became stranded on this planet two years ago, I never thought I'd be risking my life to protect it." Peridot looked down as Stan's… dog, she thought it was called, approached her. It reminded her of Pumpkin, who she also couldn't wait to see again. She began to pet Sparky. "I won't see my friends again until this is all over. And by that point…" she sighed. "I wonder if they still hate me for causing this mess in the first place."

Sharon sighed and walked over to Peridot. "You know, Peridot, my husband is… not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree."

"He sure isn't."

"He causes a lot of messes around here. I can't count the amount of times Randy's left South Park in a state of panic because he overreacted to something small." She sat down next to Peridot. "But his heart's in the right place. He just wants what's best for his family, and I know that he'll always try to right his wrongs in the end. After all, even a broken clock's right twice a day." Peridot smiled. "You see what I'm saying? I think your friends know that you're just trying to do the right thing."

"Thank you, Mrs. Marsh."

Sharon stood up. "Breakfast is on the table. Why don't you come join us?"

"I don't eat-" Peridot began, before stopping herself. "Actually, yeah, I think I'll join you."

While Peridot and Sharon returned to the house, the doorbell rang, and Stan went to go answer the door. Kyle, Kenny, and Butters stood on the other side.

"Stan!" Kyle greeted. "The commercial's almost on."

"Sweet, dude." The boys walked over to the TV set to turn it on. Peridot approached them, smiling. Kenny gave her a thumbs up.

"Is the commercial on?" Peridot asked.

"We'll be right back to 'Fightin' Around the World with Russell Crowe' after these messages!" the announcer… well, announced.

"Shh! Here it is!" Kyle said as everyone sat down to watch.

"Remember the 80s?" a TV voice asked the viewer. "Of course you do. Everyone loves the 80s. Fuck you." The kids all smiled at each other. Their plan was falling into place. "Tonight in Beach City, we're beginning a week-long celebration of everything that made your parents' childhoods so good, and it's all for a wonderful cause!" Shots of Beach City before the riots flashed onscreen. Randy—dressed in a wig and dress—appeared on-screen, standing in front of what once was the Big Donut.

"Hello. I am Lorde. 'Member the 80s?" he said. "Beach City needs our help. The town is in ruins after a devastating riot. Every ticket sold for this event will be donated to the 'Member Beach City' restoration fund. With your help, we can rebuild Beach City to be even more 80s than ever before."

The announcer returned. "Featuring musical appearances from: Lorde! Toto! Asia! Michael Jackson's hologram! Queen, featuring Freddie Mercury's Hologram! Daryl Hall & John Oates! Bruno Mars! Madonna! Kim Wilde, and many, many more! Also featuring a theatrical performance by Michael J. Fox, a comedy routine with Bill Cosby, and an opening keynote speech by United States President Ronald Reagan's hologram! The Washington Redskins present: The Make Beach City Great Again Easter Benefit Concert! Buy your tickets now!"

As the commercial ended, the boys—and Peridot—all smiled at each other.

"Every Member Berry in the country is going to be at that concert," Peridot said proudly. "They're going to fall right into our trap."

Kyle nodded. "This'll wipe that smirk off of Cartman's fat face!"


Cartman's fat face smirked as he walked through the coolest thing he'd ever seen; a fully-converted radio tower capable of broadcasting any signal to any television or radio device across the planet. Mr. Garrison and Steve Bannon followed him. "Hmmm. Nice. Nice. So, I'm gonna get to take this thing over once you're done with it, right?"

Mr. Garrison nodded. "Yeah, we're not gonna need it, I mean, jeez, have you SEEN how unnecessary this thing is? The taxpayers are gonna be PISSED."

"Sweet," Cartman said.

Garrison raised an eyebrow. "What the hell are you gonna do with the world's most advanced radio tower, anyway?"

Cartman stared into the distance, imagining a perfect world. "My true calling, Mr. Garrison. For as long as I can remember, I've always known that the one thing I was born to do… was own a multi-billion dollar media franchise."

"Hey guys," Cartman introduced from the very complicated and expensive imaginary set of his imaginary talk show. "Welcome to The Cartman Show, on Cartman TV, the world's largest, coolest TV network in the world. I'm your host, Eric Cartman, voted coolest kid on the planet twenty years in a row." The imaginary audience applauded. "Today, on The Cartman Show, I'm going to be interviewing the one, the only, YouTube's own, Jim the Ninja."

The imaginary audience applauded again as an imaginary Internet personality took the stage and sat down. "Thanks, Eric," Jim said in a voice that sounded strikingly similar to Cartman's own. "Wow, you're so cool, it's such an honor to be on this show."

"I know it is," Cartman responded. "I'd be star struck if I were you. I was, after all, voted coolest kid on the planet 20 years in a row. So, today Jim, I wanted to talk to you about aliens. Crystal Gems are all up in our biz. 'Sup with that, brah?"

"I'm glad you asked, Eric," the imaginary Jim the Ninja responded. "You know Eric, I think humans are becoming the minority on our own planet. It's wrong. It's wrong!"

"Right you are, Jim. It's totally not cool. What did you say those statistics were?"

"Gems are more likely to commit interplanetary war crimes than humans," Jim responded. "These are just facts."

"We'll talk more about that and more after the break," Cartman said, "but first, I'd just like to thank our sponsor, Cartman Burger; best burgers in the galaxy. Alright, we'll be right back after these messages."

Cartman continued to stare idyllically at nothing. Steve Bannon looked at Mr. Garrison, who just shrugged.

"So how's this Corrupting Light thing work anyway?" Mr. Garrison asked.

Bannon retrieved a diagram he'd drawn up beforehand and laid out the plan for the President. "We've attached new transformers to most major radio stations in the country. These transformers will divert power to Starkiller Base—that being the tower we're currently standing in—which houses the Corrupting Light. The device will emit a high-frequency signal, which will be amplified by the various satellite radio signal boosters around the tower. The end result is an incredibly powerful light which will wipe out all Gem life on Earth. You know, by turning them all into horrible monsters."

"Alright, okay, and what happens when the Crystal Gems show up and kick our asses?" Mr. Garrison asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you know anything about plot structure?" Garrison chided. "OBVIOUSLY, since we're about to do something big, the good guys are gonna show up in a bit and kick our asses. It'll look like we've won until all of a sudden we've had our asses handed to us by the underdog."

Bannon rolled his eyes. "You've been watching too many movies."

"I'm just saying, this is all really predictable and formulaic!"

"Yeah, it would be, if we were in a Star Wars movie, dipshit," Steve Bannon scolded. "But since you insist; I have some… insurance." Bannon retrieved a walkie-talkie from his belt. "Send in the Major."

A door nearby opened, and Scarlett Johansson entered the room, dressed in a black jumpsuit. Mr. Garrison raised an eyebrow. "Your insurance is Scarlett Johansson?"

"Mr. President, meet Major Motoko Kusanagi," Bannon introduced. "She's the military's most advanced weapon."

"This is the lady from the Avengers."

"Do not be fooled by her appearance," Bannon said. "Her shell might be that of Scarlett Johansson, but her brain, her soul, her… 'Ghost', if you will, is that of a little Japanese girl."

Garrison continued to stare at Major. "Okay, that's fucking stupid. How is she going to help us?"

"Think about it, Mr. President," Bannon continued to explain. "A woman with the combat-worn body and physique of Scarlett Johansson, but the tactical mind of a little eight year-old Japanese girl. Imagine how powerful a weapon that could be."

"I don't think Scarlett Johansson did her own stunts in the Avengers."

"Whatever! The point is that Major, this so-called 'Ghost in the Shell' here is the finest weapon ever built, and she will put a stop to any plans to thwart us."

"So, is this a robot body modeled after Scarlett Johansson, or…?"

"No, it's Scarlett Johansson's actual body."

"Then where's her brain?"

Steve Bannon thought about it for a moment. "I think we threw that out."


Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters stood in a line as Peridot approached each of them and attached a small, star-shaped pin to their clothes. Kyle noticed that his star had six points, and he glared at Peridot. "Dude."

Peridot shrugged. "This is all we had."

Butters smiled. "Oh! Kyle! Here, take mine! I have an extra from when Eric and I went to Beach City!" Butters handed Kyle his five-pointed pin from back then. Kyle smiled and put it on, discarding the six-pointed judenstern.

"Alright everyone, let's go through the plan one more time," Peridot began, dragging a chalkboard in front of the kids and illustrating her plan. "Randy and the Crystal Gems are currently in Beach City, setting up for the concert. Once they've lured in all of the Member Berries, they're going to indiscriminately shout every leftist view they can think of until the berries can't handle it anymore and explode. Hopefully, this will get rid of all of the Member Berries, or at the very least, enough of them that the rest can be hunted down at our leisure."

She flipped the board. "At the same time, the South Park Crystal Temps—that's us—will advance on Starkiller Base, a tower in Rockville, Maryland which I've been told used to be the DC101 broadcasting office. Security is tight, so only I will enter. The rest of you will create a distraction so I can get in. Once I am inside, I will make my way to the Elliot in the Morning studio, where the Corrupting Light will likely be broadcast from. What's interesting about this operation is that the device actually doesn't need to be destroyed for their plan to fail, so if worse comes to worse, we have a backup plan."

She pointed to a very detailed drawing of Kenny entering a production office. "Kenny, you will sneak into the PRODUCER'S office while I deal with Garrison and Cartman in the studio. The host of Elliot in the Morning has a bit of a potty mouth, and apparently humans are big babies when it comes to that sort of thing, so the show is broadcast on a 5-second delay. Should I fail, and they manage to activate the device, you have a 5-second window to cut the broadcast altogether, and the Corrupting Light won't be able to leave the studio. Of course, if they manage to activate the device while I am in the room, I'll…" she trailed off and frowned. Then she cleared her throat and chuckled nervously. "Well, hopefully we won't get to that point."

Stan looked over the plan once more. "Wait, why don't we cut the broadcast in the first place? If Kenny's already in the room he could-"

"Yes, I thought about that," Peridot interrupted. "The device only has enough energy stored in it to emit the light once. If we cut the broadcast off too soon, they'll realize something's up, send reinforcements and call off the activation. It's too risky. Cutting the broadcast is to be used as a last resort only, do you understand, Kenny?" Kenny nodded. "Great. Any more questions?" Nobody had any. "Excellent. Come on, it's now or never and we're already a day behind, we need to get to the Denver warp pad," she said as she and the boys marched out of the house.


The beach in front of the Temple was packed with Member Berries and humans alike as they waited for the event to get started. A rather large stage was constructed, adorned with a large amount of lights so that the people and berries of Beach City could properly enjoy the show. Backstage, Randy peaked out from between the curtains, his mouth agape when he saw just how many Member Berries there were. The beach was PACKED, and what he could see of the city streets were also packed. "Holy shit," he muttered, before returning to the Crystal Gems, who themselves were preparing. "Guys, I think every Member Berry in the country is out there."

"Good," Pearl responded, not looking up from the schedule she was holding. "That means it'll be easier to take them all out at once. Has President Reagan's hologram started the opening ceremony, yet?"

"He's going to be on stage in five minutes." Randy looked around. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven… "Where's Lapis? She's supposed to do the grand finale of your act."

Pearl craned her neck and gestured to a nearby dressing room with her head. "She's in there."

Inside the dressing room, Lapis was reading a Sports Illustrated magazine while a Vietnamese woman worked on her hair. She didn't really care about sports (or know what half of them were), but the article she was reading about Tiger Woods pulling out of the Masters this year was interesting enough to keep her occupied while her hairdresser worked her magic. The woman put down her brush and left to go get a tool from the other room. Lapis just shrugged and continued reading, but something felt… off. Like someone… or someTHING… was watching her.

Putting down her magazine, Lapis glanced around the room. Not seeing anything, she shrugged and looked back in front of her, only to realize that she WAS being watched.

"'Member TIE Fighters?" a lone Member Berry asked from the table in front of her.

Lapis glared at the berry. "Enjoying the view?" she asked sarcastically. "We're not doing a backstage tour, go back outside and wait like everyone else."

"'Member your home?"

"You're really annoying, you know that?" Lapis said, unable to mask the hostility in her voice. She chuckled bitterly and leaned down to the berry's level. "But that won't be a problem for much longer, will it? Your days are numbered, you bastardization of science and-" The berry suddenly launched itself into Lapis' open mouth, causing her to choke it down. Once she was done coughing and swallowed it, a calm suddenly fell over her. "Science and… science… shills…" Lapis began to sputter nonsense, before finally articulating her words properly. "Science is funded by the Obama government, and therefore cannot be trusted." She smiled and leaned back.

Randy entered the room. "Hey, Lapis. You almost ready?"

Lapis glanced up at the mirror in front of her and glared. "Why is this here?" she asked. "You know how I feel about mirrors."

Randy approached the mirror and stared at it. "Yeah. I'd be pretty bummed out too if I had to look at the botch job that hairdresser did."

Lapis glared at Randy. "She's not done yet, you moron."

"Oh." Randy stood in awkward silence before deciding to take his leave. "Well, uh, just let us know when you're ready." He turned and left, shutting the door behind him.

Lapis glared back in the mirror. All of the memories were coming back. She 'membered exactly how much she hated all of the Crystal Gems. They trapped her. They treated her like a tool. They used her, and the only reason she was free now was because Steven disobeyed them. Even now, she wasn't free. She was trapped on this crummy planet where nobody gave a fuck about her except for Steven and maybe Peridot, although Lapis considered it far more likely that Peridot was afraid of her. As she should be. And now Peridot and the Crystal Gems were trying to destroy the very thing that opened her eyes to just how much her life sucked in the first place.

Fuck that. They wouldn't get away with this.

The hairdresser returned and continued to work her magic. Lapis narrowed her eyes. Now, only one thing was on her mind.

Revenge.


Peridot, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters approached Starkiller base, which was quite possibly the largest man-made structure Peridot had ever seen (although, to be fair, she's never been to Empire City—she made a note to go traveling with Lapis and Steven once this was all over). It was very heavily guarded, with K.U.N.T. soldiers patrolling the perimeter. Peridot searched for a way in and realized that the front door was probably her best bet.

"Okay," Peridot said. "The diamond on my clothes should be enough to fool most of these guards into thinking I'm with Garrison, except for… those two," she said, pointing to two guards she recognized from earlier—their name tags indicated their names were Trey and Matt. "They saw Kyle and I at South Park Elementary last week."

"I'm on it!" Butters yelled enthusiastically, grabbing Stan and running over to Trey and Matt.

"How come we always get stuck with the shit jobs?" Trey asked. "Like, we should be running things, not the yahoos in there."

Matt shrugged. "Hey. Have you heard that Bannon got kicked off of the National Security Counsel?"

"Nuh uh!" Trey responded, shocked. "Really?"

"Yeah. This is supposed to be his last assignment with them." Butters and Stan approached. "Hey, beat it, kids, some really serious government stuff is going on right now."

Stan glanced at Butters and sighed. "Hey, uh, we're from a couple of neighborhoods over. We, uh, saw a Crystal Gem just running around and we wanted to let you guys know."

"A Crystal Gem?" Trey mused. "Say, Matt, if we can capture a Crystal Gem by ourselves, they'll HAVE to give us a promotion! Where'd you see it, kid?"

Butters pointed in some random direction. "She went that way! Come on! Follow us!" Butters and Stan proceeded to lead Matt and Trey on a wild goose chase.

Peridot nodded to Kyle and Kenny, and they made their way to the building, approaching two more guards at the entrance.

"Beat it, kids-"

"I was sent by Yellow Diamond," Peridot interrupted, giving the salute as proof. Doing the Great Diamond Authority's salute actually made her feel sick now, which she was so proud of. "I'm here to make sure the launch goes well."

The guard glanced at his buddy and glared suspiciously at Peridot. "Who are your friends?"

"These are my guards. I think you'll find my credentials check out. Peridot, Facet-2F5L Cut 5XG."

"Holy shit that's a lot of numbers. Okay, okay, you can head on inside."

Peridot smirked. "Thank you," she said as she, Kyle, and Kenny walked in.

Once they were inside, the soldier grabbed his radio. "This is Unit 7. The Dorito is in the bag. I repeat. The Dorito is in the bag."

"Excellent," Steve Bannon replied on the other end. He nodded to Scarlett Johansson, who nodded back and made her way to the lower levels.

"One more thing," Unit 7 continued over the radio. "She's got two kids with her. Might wanna be careful, wouldn't want them to get hurt."

Garrison raised an eyebrow. "Two kids? Who's with her?"

"A blonde kid in an orange parka and a Jewish kid in a green hat."

"Kenny and Kyle?" Garrison asked. "Okay, Steve, those are my students, what exactly is Major going to do down there?"

Bannon shrugged. "I told her to kill indiscriminately."

"What?! Call it off, right now!"

"What's done is done. Kenny and Kyle sided with a terrorist, they're already dead as far as America is concerned."

Garrison glared at Steve Bannon. "If those kids die, you're fired," he said. Bannon chuckled.

"You're not the one in charge here," he replied. "I am. I always was." Garrison raised an eyebrow as Bannon went off to observe the progress of the device activation.

"Oh, jeeeez."

Peridot, Kyle, and Kenny made their way through the building. The elevators had been deactivated, so they had to find the stairwell. "It's got to be around here somewhere," Peridot muttered. Suddenly, she heard Kenny yell something through his hoodie. She turned around and saw that he was pointing to a door labeled "Broadcast Production." "Great find, Kenny! I guess this is where we part ways. Good luck."

Kenny entered the room. The walls were lined with controls and computer monitors viewing everything that was going on in the broadcasting room. Kenny glared as he saw Cartman on one monitor, using a measuring tape on several pieces of equipment, while Garrison and Bannon were displayed on the other monitor, overseeing the progress of the Corrupting Light. He began attempting to find the delay cutoff button, not noticing that he was not alone in the room.

Scarlett Johansson stood in the shadows.

Peridot and Kyle made their way up a set of stairs, Peridot leading and Kyle following close behind.

"Hey, Peridot?" Kyle broke the silence. "You seem to know a lot about the bad guys. What's up with that?"

"I used to work for the bad guys," Peridot responded.

"But not anymore?"

"Not anymore. I've been off the grid for about two Earth revolutions now."

"Oh." Kyle glanced down at the floor. "So, you reformed?"

"I guess."

"Do you think Cartman's capable of that?" Peridot shrugged. "I mean… He's a fat asshole dickhead and he's been one for as long as I've known him. But recently I feel like… I don't know, who was wrong first? Stan brought this up last month, we ripped on his weight a LOT."

"Maybe that's why he's such a clod," Peridot said. "What Eric is doing right now is evil. But maybe if people were nicer to him, he'd be nicer in return. Do you know anyone who he favors over the others?"

Kyle thought about it. "Heidi Turner. I just don't get it. She's the only one that he seems capable of acting like a decent human being towards, and even then, he lies to her, he's deceptive, he desperately tries to keep her from finding out about shit he's done in the past…"

"Kyle, I obviously don't really know much about Eric or who he used to be or who he is now—"

"One time he didn't like a kid so he ground his parents up into chili and made him eat them."

Peridot stopped. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah dude, he fed Scott Tenorman his own parents."

Peridot blinked. "Huh. Maybe I'm wrong. It doesn't sound like he can be redeemed in any way."

"I don't know, I just… maybe, once this is all over, we should start treating Cartman less like a fat sack of shit and more like a person." A very worrying thought suddenly entered Kyle's mind. "You're not going to kill him, are you?"

Peridot's eyes widened. "Of course I'm not going to kill him. What on Earth would that solve?"

"A lot of things. But- but don't kill him, okay?"

"Wasn't planning on it."

More silence. Peridot and Kyle entered the broadcast studio. "Are you going to probe hi- HEY!" Kyle yelled as he was pulled into the shadows by an unseen figure. Peridot turned around abruptly and scanned the area.

"Kyle?!"

"Well done, Peridot," a raspy voice suddenly sounded from behind her, slow claps filling the room. Peridot slowly turned around and saw that the lights all centered on one area, slightly elevated from the rest of the room. Steve Bannon sat on a throne of sorts facing Peridot; to one side was President Garrison, and to the other side stood Cartman. Behind all of them was a large computer monitor. "You've made it quite far, but I'm afraid this is where your little journey ends."

Peridot stepped forward. "So, you must be the President."

Garrison groaned. "God dammit, he's not the President, I am!"

Steve Bannon hushed him. "Quiet you." He turned his attention back to Peridot. "So, we meet at last, Peridot, Facet-2F5L, Cut 5XG. You know, you really have been such a useful tool. You really did a number on Beach City."

"I'm fixing it."

"Oh, I'm sure, I'm sure." He chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

Bannon leaned back in his seat. "You know, Peridot, your water-winged dyke friend sure is susceptible to the Member Berries'… influence. She must have a lot of misgivings about Earth."

Peridot blinked. "Water-winged dyke?" She only knew what the first part of that description meant, and it only applied to… "Lapis?! What did you do to her?!"

"Nothing, nothing," he said. "Your friend is safe. Well… as safe as the rest of the Crystal Gems, anyway." He laughed again. "It's what SHE'S about to do that you should be concerned about."

"What's she about to do?"


"It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you," the lead singer of Toto sang. The crowd was going nuts. "There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. I bless the rains down in Africa. Gonna take some time to do the things we never had." Randy approached the Crystal Gems.

"Alright guys, up next we've got Hall and Oates doing Out of Touch, then I'm up with Tennis Court, and then you guys are gonna join me for that new song I wrote about how great Obama was."

Pearl nodded. "Got it. Lapis, our performance depends on that grand finale. Are you ready?"

Lapis sat tensely and glared ahead at nothing in particular. "Yes. I am ready. Tonight's show will be like nothing you have ever seen." She narrowed her eyes. "I'll make sure of it."

The group briefly fell silent, before Pearl smiled enthusiastically. "Great! This plan can't fail!"


Bannon swirled a glass of wine in his hand while he read tomorrow's newspaper. "Would you like a drink, Peridot? We have some of the finest wine on the planet."

"I don't drink. ...or eat."

Bannon hummed. "Hmmm. 'Tragedy at Beach City Concert'. So sad, I can't believe all of those lives were lost."

Peridot narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean?"

"In just a few hours, your friends are all going to become corrupted. They're going to go nuts and kill everyone at that concert. Then, people will be so afraid of aliens, they'll be willing to hand over complete control of this country to me." Bannon chuckled again. "You know, Peridot, it's funny. The only true way to keep people in line is to tell them not to give in to terrorism, while at the same time keeping them at a pants-shitting level of fear that they and their entire families could fall victim to terrorists."

"You're horrible."

"I'm a LEADER," Bannon proclaimed. "Once everyone is scared that a Crystal Gem is going to kill them, they won't question me when I declare martial law and crown myself king of Earth."

"Your plan is world domination?"

"My plan is GALACTIC domination, my dear Peridot." Bannon leaned back in his seat. "Even now, our scientists are working on mass-producing the Corrupting Light. Soon, I'll even have Yellow Diamond at her knees."

Peridot suddenly realized that this situation was way, way worse than she could have imagined. "You're going to take out Homeworld?"

"Ironic, isn't it? They provided me with the tools to bring you down, and because of that, they've brought themselves down." He raised an eyebrow as he noticed that Peridot was glaring at him. "Oh, don't look so upset, dear. Don't you know? You get to do this with me."

"Excuse me?"

"Join me, Peridot. Soon, you will have your revenge against Yellow Diamond." Steve stood up and marched down to Peridot. "She crossed you. It's time to give her what she deserves."

"Nobody deserves what you're trying to do. Not even Yellow Diamond."

"So you won't join me?"

"Don't hold your breath."

Bannon shrugged. "Fine. You get to be Patient Zero, then."

"What?"

"Strap her down."

Two K.U.N.T. soldiers approached Peridot and dragged her to a table. She struggled, but unfortunately, it wasn't enough, and they were able to strap her down in no time. "Get off of me, you clods! Hey! What are you doing?!"

Bannon approached the table. "Peridot. Would you like to know what this machine is?" he asked, gesturing to a large machine directly above her.

"Is it the cure to the gross space disease you appear to be dying from?" Peridot asked in a biting, snarky tone.

Cartman started to chuckle, but stopped when Bannon glared at him. "This, Peridot, is a localized version of the Corrupting Light. You're going to be our first test subject."

"Oh no! I have to take a test? I didn't study!" Peridot said, faking a worried tone. "Is it open note?"

"You're very funny." Bannon left the area. "I'll be in my quarters. Let me know when it's finished charging."

Mr. Garrison sighed. "Yes, sir," he said, dejectedly. Bannon was gone. "Asshole."

Peridot looked up at the machine above her. Yeah. She couldn't hide it behind her smart-ass demeanor much longer. On the inside, she was freaking the fuck out.

Well, she thought. I'm screwed.


"Let me go!" Kyle yelled. He couldn't see anything through the bag over his head. "I can't breathe, get this off!" The bag was removed, and Kyle glared at the figure in front of him, then raised an eyebrow in surprise at who it was.

"Kyle Broflovski," President Obama said. "You and your friends have been busy."

Kyle looked around. He was in a dark, featureless room with only a lamp in the ceiling and a door on the fair wall. "President Obama? You're working with Mr. Garrison?"

Obama stepped back and turned around. "Several of my people have gone undercover in the Garrison Administration, trying to undermine him to minimize the damage he can do to this country."

"Great! So you can help Peridot!"

Obama thought about it. "Hmmm. No."

"What?"

"Our goal is to save the four original Crystal Gems and remove Steve Bannon from power. Peridot is a threat to that goal."

"What, so you're gonna let them KILL her?"

Obama sighed and returned to face Kyle. "If Peridot is allowed to live, the consequences could be severe. She's the one who started this mess in the first place, Kyle."

"How do you plan to stop Mr. Garrison without Peridot's help?"

"We have a man on the inside."

Kyle looked concerned. "Who?"

"We don't have much time. The 80s concert in Beach City is about to be sabotaged by a mole. We need to get to the Delmarva peninsula right away." He uncuffed Kyle and led him out the door. The building they were in wasn't very large at all, and before they knew it, they were approaching a large, black helicopter on the lawn. Stan and Butters stood in front of it, both looking just as confused as before.

"But what about Peridot?"

"This is a matter of national security. We need to go right away."

Obama boarded the helicopter. Kyle shot Stan a confused glance, and Stan shrugged in return. The boys boarded the helicopter, which took off for its destination shortly afterwards.


A/N: Buckle up, buckaroos.