Title: Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder 9/17
Author: EdieZee
Rating: PG-13, possibly R later
Based on: TV series
Relationships: Damon/Elena
Disclaimers: I do not own anything. If I did, she would have chosen Damon.
Summary: As promised, Damon leaves town after Elena chooses Stefan.

Note:In this chapter, Damon might seem a little out of character, but I personally think the emotions and thoughts could be appropriate, given that there usually appears to be a lot simmering "under the surface" with him on the show. Hopefully you think so too!

Chapter 9


"What happened to you, Damon? You used to be so sweet and polite." - Katherine, "Masquerade" (2x7)

"For of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: 'It might have been.'"
- John Greenleaf Whittier

"All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name." – Andre Breton


Three Weeks Later

Damon sat on the quiet, secluded beach, legs spread out in front of him and hands buried in the cool sand behind him. Even during the day, this beach was rarely populated, but at night it was as if he and Lucy were the only people in the world. She was currently wading in the ocean, spending their last night in Los Angeles by enjoying one of Marc's favorite activities. He half-smiled as he watched her playing in the waves, in awe that she was able to find joy in life even while on a cross-country road trip mourning the man she had loved for 300 years.

They had taken their time getting to L.A., with stops along the way both at places that were important to Marc and Lucy and at random tourist traps, buying each other joke souvenirs and taking photos of each other in funny poses by different landmarks. At first, he had felt decidedly un-Damon doing those things, resisting and rolling his eyes. When he did that, she would tease him, reminding him that no one here knew that he was supposed to be the villainous bad boy. She shared with him Marc's theory: what's the point of living forever, if you weren't actually living? She pointed out that, for the first time since he had been turned, he no longer had to worry about releasing Katherine or punishing Stefan or saving Elena – that he was free to just be himself. Ultimately, Lucy drew an innocent playfulness out of him that he didn't realize he still had, that he thought was lost with his humanity. The last time he could remember feeling this way was when he had taught Stefan the new game of football. He had come close to feeling that way with Elena, but he was never really able to let himself enjoy it completely, partly because she would never choose him and partly because he couldn't totally disregard the guilt he felt about loving his brother's girlfriend.

Elena…

He hadn't forgotten about her like he had hoped he would when agreeing to go on this trip with Lucy. Deep down, he knew even when they started out that he wouldn't. Instead, it seemed as if he thought of her even more – not with pain or loss, but with a sad sense of "what if." What if she had been the one on this trip with him; what if he could see her enjoying this adventure, exploring new and wonderful things instead of worrying about doppelgangers or Originals or dying? What if he could have been the one to show her the world? What if she could see this side of him, this side that didn't snap and kill people when he was angry?

If she could see this side of him, would she have seen someone that she could have chosen?

But then again, he probably could never have been this Damon with her. Lucy knew and accepted his past, being a vampire herself and understanding everything that came along with that. Her acceptance gave him freedom. He didn't have to feel so…inadequate around her. With Elena, though, his past would always come between them – both what he had done while he had known her, and what he had done for all those years before she was even born. He didn't regret his actions; like he had told Stefan, he owned them. They had made him who he was: the person who Elena had needed him to be to save her life so many times. But he did regret the fact that Elena couldn't get past them, that he couldn't make her see that there was more to him than just the man who lived comfortably in the gray area of morality.

I like you now…just the way you are.

What if she could have loved him just the way he was?

He was snapped out of his thoughts by Lucy rushing out of the ocean toward him, using her vampire speed to get to him before the ocean water could slip through her fingers into the sand. He could have used his own speed to avoid getting the water thrown on him, but the look of glee on Lucy's face amused him. He allowed her to fling the water into his face, and he sputtered in false indignation.

"What was that for?"

Still laughing, she dropped down in the sand next to him. "You looked too deep in thought. What's our rule?"

"Save the brooding for Stefan," they intoned together.

Damon smiled down at her. "I don't know if that can really be your rule, though, when you don't even know him…"

"Eh," she shrugged. "A technicality."

Damon laughed, looking back out toward the ocean. "You know, before Katherine came to our estate, I thought about moving out to California."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I was never serious about it. I had a lot of thoughts about leaving; it didn't really matter where. It was just a fantasy. A way to get away from my father. He… I was a constant disappointment to him."

"Why didn't you go?"

Damon hesitated. "Stefan. Having him there made it bearable, even though I resented him at the same time."

Lucy scrunched her eyebrows together. "You resented him even then – before Katherine?"

Damon shook his head, not sure how to explain. "Not as much as I did after Katherine, but I did. I was the older brother, but he was the one who would stand up for me with our father – he was the one our father respected. Our father never respected me, or my choices. But then…Katherine came, and I found out what she was, and she became my ticket out of that life. I think that's why I really loved her. I had this idea that, if I were a vampire and I had her love, then I would have the strength to leave my father. That's why she didn't have to compel me and why I was so adamant that she only bring me, not Stefan. It's also why I was so angry when I realized she had turned Stefan too – even back then, I was always the second choice, but I had convinced myself I was the one she wanted."

Lucy smiled sadly, rubbing his back. "If your dad couldn't see how good your principles were, then that was his problem. And Katherine lost out on an eternity of happiness for not appreciating your sweetness and your love. And if Elena can't see the man you are, then she's blind."

Damon chuckled wryly, dropping his head so that she couldn't see how much her words affected him. The Damon that Stefan and Elena knew would likely have scoffed at such a description, but the Damon he had been when he was alive secretly delighted at them.

Lucy moved her hand up from his back to play with his hair, tucking a strand behind his ear. "If I could love anyone other than Marc, I would choose you, Damon. You would be my first choice."

Damon smirked, needing to lighten the moment. "You know, if you want to have sex, you just have to say so. I'm not that difficult to seduce."

Lucy yanked on the hair she was playing with, causing him to grimace with feigned pain. He laughed but then grew serious, smiling softly and catching her eye. "If I could love anyone other than Elena, I would choose you."

Lucy got a familiar gleam in her eye. Damon knew what she was about to say; it wouldn't be the first time she tried to convince him he still had a chance, and he knew it wouldn't be the last. "You know, we could always go to Mystic Falls next and…"

Damon stood, swooping Lucy into his arms and walking steadily toward the ocean. She shrieked playfully. "What are you doing?!"

"Saving the brooding for Stefan," he responded, carrying her further and further in until the water was up to his waist, at which point he dropped her into the ocean.


They went back east next, driving cross country over the northern half of the United States instead of the southern. They finally stopped for awhile in New York, enjoying the nightlife, dancing at clubs until the wee hours of the morning. Damon lost himself in the music and the moves, the beating hearts of the young people around him, the anonymity of the city. It sent a thrill through him, made him feel alive, reminded him of the good parts of being forever young.

And, simultaneously, it reminded him of the fact that he wasn't alive. For the rest of the partiers, this was a fleeting moment, a chance to make memories and hang on to a youth that was already slipping through their fingers. It reminded him that he wasn't human. And it reminded him that he missed it. No matter how much he pretended, he would always miss it.

His existential crisis, as he had told Jessica before killing her…

Walking to their hotel – a five star one they had compelled their way into – Damon thought back to the night he killed her, embarrassed now by how he had fallen so utterly apart.

"Do you ever miss it?" he asked unintentionally, the words out of his mouth before he even realized he was going to ask the question.

Lucy looked at him questioningly. "Miss what?"

Damon made a face, still upset with himself for even starting the conversation. Damon Salvatore didn't do introspective – at least not around people he couldn't compel or kill. "Being human."

Lucy squeezed his arm, which she was currently using to steady herself while walking in her stilettos. "Damon. We all do. Some of us more than others, granted, but it's never something you can forget, is it?" She paused and a pensive expression blossomed on her face. "I think that's why we love so deeply and passionately; it's our compensation for not being able to have everything else."

"Ah," Damon smirked. "So you think that's why I'm so easily controlled by the women I love?"

"No," Lucy teased. "I think you're so easily controlled because you're you."

Damon made a face. "You sure know how to give a compliment."

Lucy laughed. "Damon, your ego does not need any more compliments."

Damon smirked, nodding to the bellman of their hotel who opened the door for them. They rode the elevator up to the room and crawled into bed for the day. He was almost asleep when Lucy spoke again, her voice distorted by the fact that the right side of her face was pressed into its usual position on his chest. "Damon, you're not controlled by love. You just give yourself over to it, which is something most people – and most vampires even – are too afraid to do. It doesn't make you weak; it makes you special." She shifted in bed so that she could look up at him. "Which is why…we should go to Mystic Falls next."

"Enough, Lucy. Enough."

Lucy sighed heavily, putting her head back down to sleep.


They decided to go to London next, partly because Damon hadn't been to Europe in decades. They spent a full month there, exploring the city as it was currently while she described what it had been like when she was human. She showed him where her family had lived when they were in town during the Season. The house had transferred to a satellite branch of the family after she had disappeared with Marc and her brother had died childless.

While there, something happened that Damon couldn't explain: he started seeing Elena everywhere. Brunettes would walk in front of him, and his breath would catch in his throat. He would trail the women with his eyes, convinced they were her until they turned around. Every single time, disappointment would fill him, and he would promise himself it wouldn't happen again.

Until the next time he saw a brunette.

He couldn't understand why it was happening now and in London of all places. It would have made sense if it happened a couple months ago, when he first left. It would have made sense when they were in New York or New Orleans or somewhere else relatively close to Virginia.

At first he thought that it was Katherine – that his luck really was that bad.

Then he figured it was the universe's way of punishing him for all the things he had done, not the least of which was loving his brother's girlfriend.

Ultimately he realized it was because he wanted to see her. It was the same old hope and temptation he had felt since leaving Mystic Falls; it was just manifesting itself in a different way.

Lucy was usually enough to distract him, but today the temptation was too strong. Having thought he'd seen her so many times, he needed to see her now. For the first time, he pulled out the photo he had stolen from Stefan while Lucy went out to get them some blood from a nearby private blood bank she knew of from the last time she and Marc had been in the city. When he turned the frame over to look at the picture, he forced himself to look at Stefan first, wanting to hold off as long as possible before actually looking at her. He smirked at the sight of Stefan in his football uniform, wondering how his brother was doing – if he was finally happy now that he had Elena back, or if he was still struggling with what he was. If he was dealing with Elena being turned into a vampire, or if he was beating himself up over it. If he had forgiven himself for his past.

If he missed Damon as much as Damon secretly missed him…

Damon reached out for his glass of bourbon, knocking back the liquid that had been sitting untouched in front of him. He swallowed heavily, closed his eyes for a moment, then re-opened them, finally allowing his gaze to fall on Elena.

She was just as beautiful as he had remembered. She looked just the same in the picture as she did when Damon closed his eyes and thought of her, proving that time had not dulled his memory in any way. With the tip of his finger, he traced her face, her hair. He exhaled shakily, indulging in the moment even though he knew it would only make the temptation to return a thousand times worse.

She looked so alive, so happy in that picture – exactly how she should look. He wondered how she was dealing with being a vampire now, when it was what she hadn't wanted to be. He knew that Stefan would help her adjust, but he still felt guilty for not being there. Stefan would teach her how to survive as a vampire, but not how to accept it. In many ways, Stefan still hadn't accepted it for himself. He probably never would be able to. But… Elena was like Damon. Neither one of them had wanted to be a vampire, but Damon understood that accepting it was the only way to move forward. It had taken him a long time to accept it, in part because he was still so angry at Stefan. In some ways, he didn't truly accept it until after he had realized that Katherine hadn't loved him. In other ways, he didn't accept it until Stefan had gone off the deep end and he had to help him back to himself. In many ways, he was still accepting it – and probably would need to do so again and again. But the point was, you had to try.

Damon heard Lucy opening the door to their room, and he stuffed the picture back into his bag. He grabbed his glass and put his feet up on the opposite chair, trying to look as normal as possible. She walked into the room, pulled a blood bag out of her purse, and tossed it at him. He caught it one-handed, ripped it open and poured it into his now-empty glass.

"So I was thinking," Lucy said as she shoved his feet off the other chair and sat down. "It's time to go to Paris."

Damon furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "I thought you wanted Paris to be the last stop on your 'goodbye tour'."

"I do."

"You're ready for that?"

Lucy hesitated, then nodded. "I love Marc. I will always love Marc. There will never be anyone else for me. But I can't spend the rest of my life saying goodbye to him. I've made up my mind. We'll go to Paris and say goodbye one more time, and then you can decide where we'll go next."


It was different in Paris than their other stops. They still spent the days sleeping, but now Damon held Lucy close while hot tears streamed out of her eyes and onto his chest. She refused to talk about it, pretending like it wasn't happening. They spent most of the nights apart, as Lucy went to places that held memories that were too personal, too private. Damon ached to be able to help her, but he knew from his own feelings about Elena that sometimes a person had to deal with lost love in his or her own way.

It was hard for him too, being in a city known for love. He would spend his evenings at sidewalk cafés, watching couples strolling the streets and enjoying each other's company. The "what if's" that he felt in L.A. came back with a vengeance, but this time he tried to suppress them instead of entertain them.

He needed to stop thinking about her. It was time to for him to say goodbye too.


It had been about four and a half months since he had left Mystic Falls, but sometimes it felt like no time had passed at all. Other times, it felt like he had been gone for an eternity.

It was almost dawn when Damon made it back to the foreclosed home they were staying in while in Paris. Lucy was already there, having a glass of blood before going to bed. Damon ran a hand through his hair as he walked through the door, grimacing at the way it – and he – felt. It had been a long night.

"I'm going to jump in the shower. I feel disgusting."

"Good. You smell," Lucy said in a deadpan voice.

"Not as bad as you do," he retorted with a smirk, feeling a little childish but enjoying the fact that she was beginning to laugh again instead of cry. He tossed his jacket on the chair and pulled off his shirt, throwing it at her head and chuckling at the muffled grunt of annoyance. "Feel free to join me, if you'd like," he said in his most seductively playful voice.

"Ewwwwwwwww."

Damon grinned and closed the bathroom door behind him, turned on the shower, stripped off his pants and stepped into the stream of hot water with a sigh. He lost himself in the pleasure of it, running a hand back through his wet hair. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, allowing the water to flow down his face. He heard a phone ring and was momentarily confused, since both he and Lucy didn't really talk to anyone besides each other. He ignored the confusion, though, figuring that she probably had made at least one other friend during her 300 years on Earth.


Lucy slowly turned to stare at Damon's bag, looking at it as if it was something alien. Frankly, she didn't even think he had a phone, but there was no denying that one was ringing in the side pocket. She glanced at the closed bathroom door, noting that the water was still running.

She should respect his privacy. She really should…

But curiosity got the better of her.

"Oh well," she murmured to herself. "It's not like we have any secrets anyway."

She walked over to his bag, unzipped the front pocket and grabbed the ringing phone. Jeremy Gilbert.

"Gilbert, huh?" Lucy raised an eyebrow, even more curious now. With one last look at the bathroom door, she hit the talk button. "Hello?"

A slight pause followed, either from the distance or from the fact that she was answering the phone instead of Damon. "Uh, yeah. Hi," a teen boy's voice finally said. He sounded confused. "I thought this was Damon Salvatore's phone."

"Oh, it is," Lucy said with a scheming smile. "He's in the shower right now, but I will have him call you back as soon as he's out."

Another slight pause. "Oh. Uh. OK. Thanks."

"Thank you. Bye," she trilled and hung up, already thinking she might get Damon to finally agree to go back to Mystic Falls, even though she had said he could decide on where they went next. He would just have to decide to go there…

A few minutes later, Damon walked out of the bathroom, trailed by heat and steam. He had a white towel wrapped low around his waist. Walking over to the table, he poured himself a drink and swallowed it with a sigh.

"Who was on the phone?"

She held up the cell phone, relishing the sight of him blanching when he realized it was the one from his bag. "Jeremy Gilbert."