I know it has been like a year since I last updated. Sorry for the delay. A lot has been going on. Trigger warning - Psychosis and ptsd and self harm.

Mental Breakdown

I awake to Dean's arm wrapped around me. I freeze. It isn't Dean anymore. It is him.

"You ok?" he says.

"Get the fuck away from me. you... you... bastard." I say.

I run towards the wall. I feel trapped. This isn't happening. This isn't real. He is Dean but then he is not Dean.

"Allie, what is wrong?"

" You are not him,Dean promise me you are real and you are not him."

I clutch tight to my chest and I rock back and forth trying to comfort myself.

"She didn't like it. Not at all. It happened to her. It was her fault. She did it... That is Little Allie.. and I.. we are Phoebe. We protect her from men."

I clutch my head in my hands. The voices are a cacophony of sound. They scream that it is my fault that this isn't real. Dean clutches my hand and squeezes it.

"I am real Allie. See. This is real."

"I am in a bedroom, not a forest. In a bedroom not a forest. You are real. I am real. I need a razor. Give me a razor I need to feel real. Your eyes are green just like his. He hurt Alllie. Hurt her bad.

The man's eyes change and look at you with concern. He holds you as you shake. He sighs and you hear his heartbeat.

"I am right here Allie. Look at me."

He tries to grab her hand but she scoots away because men are bad. All of a sudden phoebe takes over. A calm overcomes my body. I am strong. I am a warrior and protector. I am cold as ice. Nothing can hurt us.

"Get away from me. You are a man. Men are evil and cockroaches. They take whatever they want. I protect her and you are not going to hurt her."

"Allie, talk to me."

"My name is Phoebe. And you have green eyes. Just like him. Are you going to hurt us. Do we need to hurt you?" I say.

"Allie... Phoebe... I would never hurt you. Not all men are bad. I will protect you. No one can ever hurt you. Not while I am around."

I don't feel cold anymore. I feel little.

"Promise. No bad men. No bad touches." we ask.

"I promise." Dean says.

"Pinkie swear." We ask.

We pinkie swear.

My breathing slows down a little my anxiety getting better. I feel like I am coming back.

"They came out didn't they? What did they say?"

(This chapter is from somewhat of a personal experience as I have ptsd with psychosis and dissociative identity disorder)