Icarus & I
Chapter 9
The All-Nighter Part 3: Recurring
Derek Jaeger had always been something like a role model to me.
We didn't have much in common, but the fact that he was older than Eren, Mikasa, and me, and the fact that he used such authority so kindly, had always encouraged me to put him on a pedestal.
I tended to get excited when we would hear from him, as we hadn't seen him for a year or two. He would call or Skype us at the most random of times, and if we ever attempted to make contact, he was game almost every time.
Eren, who was (of course) less appreciative of his big brother, didn't make it a point to contact him, despite his willingness to do the same for us. He only ever called Derek if he needed something, whether that be advice, money, or someone to calm him down.
I wasn't quite sure why Eren decided to call Derek thirty minutes after we played Hot Seat, but he did, and that left me practically bouncing in my seat as the phone rang.
"Hey, little man. What's up? Is everything okay?"
As soon as I heard his voice, Derek's face popped up in my head. He was extremely similar-looking to Eren, though he was naturally skinnier and lankier, and his hair was longer and messier, his bangs falling into his eyes when he forgot to push them back again.
"Everything's cool, Der," Eren replied. "Just calling to say hi."
"Wait. EREN is calling to say hi? JUST to say hi? Like, you don't need money, excess Ramen, girl advice, a distraction for Dad or something?"
"Shut up. I can be a good sibling."
"HA. Hilarious. Anyway, what's been up with you?"
"Eren's dating Mikasa!" I blurted. Eren whipped around to glare at me, his entire face red.
"Whoa, is that Armin? Dude, you didn't say I was on speaker. Hey, Double A. Now, what's this about my little brother finally realizing that love was right beside him all along?"
"Okay, yeah, we're going out and we're super happy and stuff. Don't make fun."
"I'm not, I'm not. How's Miks feeling about this?"
I could hear the smile in Mikasa's voice. "Do you think I'd say yes if I didn't feel the same way?"
"Ohhh, so he asked you? Cute. How goes it, by the way? What're you guys up to?"
"We're on a road trip," Eren answered. "Having an all-nighter tonight."
"Ahhh, was that a joke? You're driving all night?"
Uh oh.
"Yup. We've got some guests here who need to be in New Orleans by tomorrow morning."
Derek hissed anxiously. "Little man, I don't like this. That crap's dangerous. You sure you can't stop somewhere?"
Eren shrugged. "We'll be fine."
"This is making me anxious like crazy. You should at least let Armin drive."
"No way, Der. We need to be there on time."
"Then what about Mikasa?"
"She's been driving all day. Also, she's kind of tired."
There was a pause. I imagined Derek pushing his hair back in distress, squinting at nothing in particular, his fingers tapping his thigh. He took a deep breath.
"Whatever, then. But if you get tired, pull over and call me. Don't try to keep driving. Got it?"
"Okay, Mom." I could practically hear Eren rolling his eyes.
"You're lucky I'm not Mom."
"I know," he said in defeat. Mikasa and I shared a look that felt like, He'd better know.
Mrs. Jaeger, in short, was not a passive person, let alone a lenient mother. And Eren and Derek both were the kind of kids who wished with all that they had that this were not the case.
"JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, EREN JAMES?!" Derek mocked.
"ROAD TRIP MY ASS! WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW? I'M COMING FOR YOU! DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE!" Eren continued in a shrill falsetto, holding back his laughter.
"ARMIN! MIKASA! HOW COULD YOU TWO LET THIS HAPPEN? I'M DISAPPOINTED IN BOTH OF YOU!"
Mikasa and I both snickered at that one. It was nothing if not accurate.
"GRISHA, GET THE SWITCH! DON'T YOU 'CARLA' ME, I'LL GIVE YOU A GOOD LICKING TOO!"
"YOU NEVER LEARN! I'M OVERWHELMED WITH HOW STUPID YOU ARE! AND I'LL KEEP BEATING YOUR ASS UNTIL-" Derek was laughing so hard he couldn't finish.
"-UNTIL YOU HAVE KIDS AND ARE TOO BUSY DEALING WITH THEIR RIDICULOUS ANTICS TO BE THIS STUPID ANYMORE!" Eren concluded, his deafening guffaws filling the van.
Conny took out his earphones with a confused expression. "What's going on now?"
"Eren's brother's on the phone," I explained.
"Oh." With that, Conny blocked us out again. I thought I heard him mutter, "Loud a.f."
"And then you'd be all like, 'But- Mom! I HAVE to!' And she'd be all like, 'You don't have to do anything but shut up!' And Dad would be like, 'Carla, please, settle down. I'm sure we can handle this in a quieter way', and she'd just say something like, 'Grisha, I'm sure you can exist in a quieter way!' and he would just, like, shake his head and shut up."
"Nice Dad, by the way." Eren applauded. "You had me fooled for a split second."
"Dad's easy to imitate. He's basically just a nerdier version of Atticus Finch."
"Attic Flinch? What are you talking about?"
I sighed. "Atticus Finch, the father of Jean Louise 'Scout' Finch in Harper Lee's ever-famous To Kill a Mocking Bird. He's noted as a dignified, extremely admirable man, and a fantastic lawyer. His children, his son especially, look to him as an example of how to act in most situations. You should know this; we read the book our freshman year."
Eren snorted. "Dude, I don't even remember what my horoscope sign is."
"Aries, meaning you're impulsive, impatient, energetic, and a little optimistic. Mikasa's an Aquarius, supposedly honest, just, affectionate, and detached. I'm a Scorpio, suggesting that I'm trustworthy, balanced, ambitious, and manipulative." The facts poured from my mouth without much thought.
"Aren't Scorpios supposed to be evil?" asked Eren, who was very much used to it.
I shrugged. "I've heard that said, yes. But bad guys are awesome, so I don't think I mind."
"Good ol' Double-A Battery, always there to make me feel intellectually inferior. But, Er, I'm still the smart one out of us two. Don't forget."
Eren snorted again. "Smart. Right. Because shattering a window with a shampoo bottle when Dad's already pissed with you is smart."
"Do you want to talk about anger issues, man? Because we can talk about anger issues."
"I'm game."
Oh no. Why, Eren, why?
"You bit your Kindergarten teacher because she sent you to time-out again."
I remembered that. During recess, when the preschool and kindergarten were released together, Ms. Landrey- Eren's teacher- had always tried to keep me away from him, telling me about "choosing friends wisely", and even calling my parents about her concerns. Eren was not a nice boy when I'd first met him, but he liked me, and I'd thought he was a pretty fascinating kid, so I ignored Ms. Landrey. Needless to say, I'm glad I did.
"That's nothing," Eren dismissed. "You threw the microwave at me because I ate your pudding."
"We agreed on pretending that never happened! You deal-breaker!"
"All's fair in love in war. And you also slammed me against the wall because I beat you in a race."
"You knocked me out because Mom sighed and asked me if she could trade you for another kid like me."
I saw Eren's ears go pink. "You broke my wrist when we were wrestling."
"Because we were wrestling, retard. That was an accident. I said I was sorry. Anyway, you slapped me so hard I lost my hearing. Dad said he could hear the smack from the living room."
"Dad didn't hear you dropping the F-bomb."
"True. Then he probably would have done what you did. Have you ever thought about how Dad only ever, like, hit us if we cussed? Then he stopped once we got into middle school. But Mom never stopped."
"That's 'cause Dad doesn't believe in violence or whatever."
Derek laughed. "How'd he end up with us for kids?"
"He got with Mom."
"There it is."
"Yup."
There was a break in the conversation (with the Jaeger brothers, that was so rare), and I saw my opportunity.
"So Derek," I began, searching my mind for something of interest to talk about.
"Yeah, Armin?"
"Um, how are things?"
He chuckled. I knew he could see straight through me. Eren could, too, judging by the look he gave me in the mirror.
"Things are good, Double-A," Derek answered. "But I'm more worried about my little man and his merry friends. How are things for you, Armin?"
"...good," I lied. Or maybe I didn't.
The truth was, I had no idea how I was doing. At that moment, I was fine, sure, but I could feel all of my anxiety and nerves twisting and writhing beneath my calm. They did a good job of keeping themselves hidden, but I still knew that they were there.
So I guess I was okay. For the time being.
But does that count as being "good"?
Maybe not.
But even if it didn't, I wouldn't have changed my answer.
"That's great," he said, and I could tell he was oblivious, and that made me glad. I'd forgotten that, unlike Eren, Derek's intuition was never very accurate.
Of course, that didn't change the fact that Eren's instincts were still sharp. I caught him give me another look in the mirror, this one devoid of any meaning beneath. Those were the ones I hated the most.
"So Miks," Derek continued, blissfully unaware of our silent exchanges, "how's the little man as a boyfriend? Exactly as you thought he'd be? Is he still a player?"
I saw Eren's entire head go bright red. "I'm not a player!" he exclaimed. "I never have been!"
"He's the worst," Mikasa answered, her tone completely flat. "Always flirting with other girls- guys, too. It makes me really anxious, but he doesn't seem to care."
"There it is!" Derek started laughing. "By the way, how come you come out to Mikasa, but not me? Your own flesh and blood? It's cool that you're bi, little man, I don't care."
"I'm not!" Eren insisted. I felt the van swerve, just a little. "You're both jackasses, you know that?"
"So defensive," Mikasa sighed.
"Right? I don't think Er Bear here ever aged past twelve."
"He really never did," I muttered.
"Armin, I heard that!"
"For the love of all that is food, can you guys keep it down?" Sasha asked in exasperation. So she could hear us?
"Whoa, I hear a cute girl," Derek said. "Not to discredit you, Miks. You're kind of on another level, anyway. Eren's lucky and shouldn't be playing you."
"Whoa, what?" Sasha asked. "Eren's playing Mikasa? Dude, do you even know how lucky you are to have such a goddess? What's wrong with you?"
So she probably couldn't hear everything.
Eren turned and snapped, "I am not! You would know!"
"Why would she know, Eren?" Mikasa asked. I held back a snort. Mikasa wasn't normally the humorous type, but when she tried, she usually hit the target.
Sasha looked at me with an expression that screamed, oh.
"I actually wouldn't know," she said. "He's been trying to make a move on me, even after Jean and I..." she trailed off. I caught her giving the quickest of glances at Conny.
"I did not!" The car sped up by at least ten miles per hour.
"Uh, guys?" I yelped, gripping my seat belt. "Can we agree to tease Eren after he switches off with Sasha? Please?"
"Fine," Mikasa agreed. I knew her well enough to know that she'd let a small smirk slip out.
"Thank you, Armin," Eren said. "The rest of you suck."
"Darn tootin'," Sasha said.
"Good to hear," Mikasa replied.
"Truly a master of banter," Derek remarked. "Anyway, I actually have to go. Take me off speaker for a second, Eren."
Eren's head turned back to its usual color in his confusion. "...Okay? What's up Der?"
"Just some advice. The others don't need to hear it. Just a big Jaeger to a little one."
"That sounds like a dick reference."
"Oh my god, you really are twelve," Derek snorted. "Just take me off speaker, dork."
"Alright, alright." Eren drove with one hand (oh, the anxiety) and used the other to press the talk button and hold the phone to his ear.
The entire van was silent for about a minute. It started to feel particularly unusual when I realized that Eren hadn't made so much as a peep the entire time.
The silence stretched on. I glanced at my watch. It had been a whole three minutes since anyone had said a word.
Finally, Eren nodded his head. "Alright. Thanks, Der. Right...love you, too. Say hey to mom and dad for me when you get home. Alright. Alright. I will. I already said I love you! Fine. Love you. Okay. Good bye, Derek. Do you even actually have to go? That's what I thought…...I'm not saying it again. Not...oh, come on, that's not fair. Technically, I'm in more danger than you are."
I sighed. There were the Jaeger brothers I knew.
Eren laughed. "Derek, that's not fair! Fine. Fine. Love you too. That was the last time. Okay. Good. Okay. Love you, bye."
He hung up. Sasha, Mikasa, and I all watched him silently, wondering when he'd notice it.
Less than ten seconds later, Eren's ears burned pink, and he swore under his breath.
"You said you loved him again," Mikasa told him, just to be smart.
"Yeah," Eren sighed in resignation, not even bothering to be annoyed. "I sure did."
I had to give Sasha credit: she could be, for lack of a better word, adorable.
Of course, I didn't quite understand her interest in Eren and Mikasa's relationship, and at times her antics, rather than being amusing, verged on irritating, but she was at least sort of cute when talking to Jean.
It's difficult to explain why I felt that way. At first, their relationship had been sort of a nuisance to me. Anytime something notable happened in the Jaegermobile, we all got Jean's input on it, and of course I liked Jean, but there was only so much of him I could handle.
But after some time, Sasha's constant giggles and blushes and nervous head-scratches became...pleasant. Strangely enough, I found myself smiling when I noticed her. Maybe it was attraction. Maybe it was simply a case of Stockholm Syndrome. I'll never know.
Conversely, Conny only became more and more sour-faced in reaction. An hour passed, and then another one. Sasha and Eren switched seats, Mikasa and Conny following suit at the former's request (and it is worth noting that Sasha was, in fact, a better driver than Eren. Marginally so, but I wasn't about to complain). We didn't stop anywhere. I was fighting sleep by chatting with Mikasa, who was fighting sleep by chatting with me.
"Do you think Coach Holly hated me?" I asked. "I think she hated me."
Mikasa shook her head. "No, she didn't. She was just exasperated by you."
"How do you know?"
"She walked up to me and asked if you had a developmental disorder, but in an understanding way."
I sighed. Of course she did.
"She knew I have asthma, right?"
"No. I didn't think it was worth mentioning."
That was true; my case was extremely mild. "But it would have given me a nice excuse," I said.
"Some people are just plain hopeless," she reasoned. "Coach knew that."
"Thanks."
She blinked at me."Oh. Sorry. But it's true."
I twirled a strand of hair around my finger. "I know."
Mikasa stared at me. I figured she was just deep in thought, but after some time, it became unsettling.
"What?"
She blinked again. "...do you remember when you had a crush on me?"
I felt my face flush. Mikasa had been my first crush. I'd hoped she'd forgotten by now, but of course, she hadn't.
"Yes."
A small smile formed on her lips. "Do you remember how you fought Eren for me?"
I snorted. "Yes. He was so mad when I told him, but he swore he didn't like you in that way."
"He didn't," she confirmed. "But you know how territorial he gets."
"I'm right here," Eren reminded us, slightly insulted. We ignored him.
"I remember he beat me up," I chuckled. "I was in the third grade. You guys were in the fourth."
Mikasa's small smile turned into a grin. "Did I ever tell you that, in sixth grade, I returned the feeling?"
"You what?" Eren started. "Why do I never know anything?"
"Because you're dumb," Mikasa and I chorused.
I turned back to her, shocked. "But you did? Really?"
She chuckled. "Definitely. I was good at keeping it a secret. Nobody noticed."
"Oh my god," Eren breathed, "so that's why you kept abandoning me! Do you know how lonely I was?! I felt like such a loser that year. You guys were, like, hardly ever with me."
"I wanted him to myself. You two were inseparable. It was a challenge I had to meet with everything I had."
Eren shook his head. "I want to say I'm shocked, but honestly? I should've seen it coming. You guys are so devious."
"Look at you, Eren! Devious. What a big word!" I cheered sarcastically. He shot me a sharp, exasperated glare.
"Okay, Ar, I may be stupid, but at least I'm straightforward. Unlike Miss...I don't know, I can't think up a clever and cutting nickname for you, Miks. But yeah. Unlike Mikasa over here."
"I'm not devious," Mikasa said. "I'm just tactical. And at the time, I didn't want anyone to know. But I still wanted to spend time with him."
I began to chew on my cuticles. "Imagine if things had gone your way, and we'd ended up together," I chuckled.
"That is the weirdest thing you've said today," Eren grinned. "Do you guys think it would've worked out?"
I snorted. "No."
"Definitely not," Mikasa agreed, turning to face me. "Armin I love you, but you're extremely sensitive. You weren't any better seven years ago."
I nodded. "True. And Mikasa, I love you, but at times you can be so demanding in the strangest of ways, and it would have destroyed whatever free will I'd managed to scrape up back then."
"Also," Eren added, "she's mine. Sorry, Ar. I know how ridiculously perfect she is, and it's tempting, but she signed a contract, and we all know the law and everything says you can't unsign a contract."
"I'm really sorry you ended up with him," I told her.
"I am, too," she sighed.
"Rude," Eren muttered.
We let a period of silence settle over us. Eren, who couldn't deal with Sasha's country music, shoved his headphones in and put on various silent performances in his seat. Mikasa, meanwhile, stared out the window, more than likely seeing nothing but a dark field and the occasional tower. Connie chatted unusually quietly with Sasha in the front, out of range for my nosy ears.
So, rather than eavesdropping, I let my thoughts blend together into an ensemble, or maybe an ocean, and I floated through them, content to never find anything worthwhile in the waves.
But eventually, something came to the surface of my mind. It started out itching, quietly telling me something was off, all the way from the back of my head. Soon enough, it stood in front of me, parting the metaphorical ocean so it would be noticed.
Earlier, Mikasa had called me sensitive.
And I supposed I was. I cried quite often, for one thing. I was startled easily, for another, and I was just as easily overwhelmed. There were people like Eren, who had thick skin and thicker skulls, who were completely oblivious to the strange lighting of convenience stores and the terrible vibrations of straws squeaking against lids. But I was most definitely not one of those people.
Nevertheless, though maybe I was easily stimulated, sensitive was not the word I would have used to describe myself. As a matter of fact, in reference to most things, I was quite clueless.
Let's look at how I was in most social situations, using Eren as my foil again for emphasis. I knew nothing about social cues; in high school, I had been known to talk everyone's ear off, and that was because I had never been quite sure when 'oh no, you're fine' actually meant, 'I'm not mad, just vaguely annoyed. I would strongly prefer that you shut up as soon as you finish this sentence.'. This happened especially frequently my freshman year, when I'd developed an extreme and obsessive fascination with both Star Trek and Star Wars. Simultaneously. (It wasn't as though I'd never seen either one beforehand; my interest in both franchises had simply skyrocketed after some re-watching. It drove both Eren and Mikasa crazy, and I finally slowed down my junior year, when my fascination and obsession became more centered around marine biology, leaving little room for any more sci fi.)
Eren did talk a lot, even back in high school. That never changed. But he hardly rambled on like I did; Eren had a natural competence for conversing. Our classmates enjoyed talking with him, because conversations with Eren often had a positive, fun nature to them. Meanwhile, I was regularly avoided, my peers living in fear of another pondering monologue concerning the mechanics and operations of the USS Enterprise.
And my social encounters weren't even the half of it. Despite my rather emotional tendencies, there were various times when I could completely factor emotion out of a situation, and say some logical, but cruel things nonetheless. One of Eren's ex-girlfriends had come to me for advice once, worried about his attitude towards their relationship. And with good reason. Eren had more or less ignored her most of the time, only occasionally buying her a small gift, or muttering love you too under his breath, so quickly you could barely understand what he was saying.
Because she was suspicious of Mikasa (as most of Eren's girlfriends were), she consulted me, his only other best friend.
"Do you think he really likes me back?" she'd asked nervously. "I feel like he just agreed to go out with me because he was being nice. That would be like him...but yeah, you've seen how he is with me. Is this just how he is? Or is he going to break it off soon? What do you think?"
Part of my response came out the way it did because I didn't particularly like this girl. Of course I didn't dislike her, but I honestly knew nothing about her, or even how she'd ended up dating Eren in the first place.
Another part of it was that I can be the most emotionally insensitive bastard I know.
"He hasn't told me anything," I'd assured her, "but I would guess that, most of the time, he just forgets you exist. When you message him, he blinks at his screen for a few seconds, like he can't remember which Monica you are, or why you would text him at all. He never talks about you, either. Even when you're with him, he seems impatient, like you're wasting his time. I'd say your safest bet would be to tell him you've changed your mind in the simplest, clearest way possible, and move on to someone who'll actually care about you, if anyone at all."
And Monica cried. And I felt terrible.
In hindsight, I wondered how I missed it- how much she liked Eren. It should have been obvious. She had always seemed so happy just to be by his side, just to hold his hand, just to hear the vaguest of compliments from him. And, when I'd had the opportunity to let her down gently, I didn't even recognize it. She spent the next two weeks sobbing in remote places, wearing ratty hoodies and hardly ever applying what used to be her usual face of makeup.
I only knew because I watched her. I felt so guilty about the whole thing, I couldn't help but watch her until she seemed better.
And this is all just one example.
I've voiced these concerns before, to my parents. I knew neither Mikasa nor Eren would provide me with objective analyses.
My father didn't prove to be much better, unfortunately.
"You're plenty sensitive enough, Armin, even emotionally speaking. You handle situations with such great tact and maturity! You're just second-guessing yourself; there's nothing here to be worried about."
It was exactly what I feared Mikasa and Eren would say, and I wasn't satisfied with that answer because I'd already considered it.
"Sensitive?" my mother had repeated. "That's ridiculous, sweetheart. You're about as emotionally sensitive as a calculator. But you are logical, and logic can indeed feed tact in a way that emotion can't."
"That's what I've been thinking."
"Good, so we're on the same page. I'm assuming Eren, Mikasa, and your father hadn't considered this?"
"No. That's why I asked you."
"Well, thank you for the vote of confidence."
"You're welcome...I guess."
"So I suppose you're bringing this up because you're concerned about you being a good person? Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well, let's discuss what being a 'good person' means. What does it mean to you, Armin? Don't try to sound intelligent."
"It means...being kind, I guess. Or, rather, benefiting the human race?"
"Don't try to sound intelligent, Armin."
"I'm not. But, logically speaking, if there's no inherent good or evil, then 'good' is what is of benefit to the human race, and 'evil' is what is of detriment to it, right? So being a good person is simply being a...beneficial one? Convenient?"
"Exactly. You finally found your way to it. People won't necessarily consider you a good person if you, say, organize all of the Earth's resources to be used more efficiently- which would be of benefit to the human race- but if you went in and added their favorite snack to their pantry, or gave them a couple thousand dollars, asking nothing in return, they most definitely would. So a good person is merely a convenient one, and they're usually motivated to be so convenient by the self-satisfaction they receive after doing what society considers a 'good' deed, or a generous one. Therefore..."
"...I'm a good person?"
"In some ways, yes, but that's not what I was getting at."
"...I shouldn't...strive to be a good person?"
"Closer. You shouldn't strive so hard, sweetheart. It's not as big of a deal as everyone thinks it is."
"Really?"
"Logically speaking, yes."
My mother had answered my question with much more eloquence than my father, needless to say.
Nevertheless, it had only been enough for the time being.
Logically speaking, she'd said. Mom had always had a terrible habit of assuming she was always right, simply because she always thought logically.
I was insensitive, and that made me a bad person. In some ways. It was embarrassing, to say the least.
But, according to logic, being a good person wasn't quite as important as I thought it was.
But, according to me, if I wasn't perfect, I was worthless.
I blinked at the window, startled.
"If I'm not perfect, I'm worthless," I whispered, staring at my reflection.
Why did that feel so true?
Day 6
I don't even know where to start.
I was thinking about myself again, considering another personal characteristic I worry about (my insensitivity), when I stumbled across an absurd philosophy of mine.
Is it possible to believe in something without knowing you do? Because I don't remember ever telling myself this, or hearing it from someone else. It's such a toxic idea, but I believe it, and I have no idea why I do.
If I'm not perfect, I'm worthless.
Isn't that terrible? What a double-standard I hold! I wouldn't ever dream of thinking this about anyone else, regardless of who they are or what they do.
But I still believe it.
I've always prided myself in being so intelligent. In knowing better when my peers fell into stupid situations and mentalities.
But here I am, telling myself that I have to be perfect! It's unbelievably and utterly impossible to be perfect; I'm sure everyone knows that. I can't understand how I fell into this mentality.
Even worse, I've realized since that I've always believed this. Always! Since I can remember!
That explains my crippling fear of failure, of disappointing others. It explains why I'm so eager to please, my anxious personality, everything! I'm built upon an unattainable ideal!
I'm so! Incredibly! Stupid!
An hour or so passed. I tried reading to take my mind off of my newest revelation, which only halfway worked. Mikasa played games on her phone, and Eren, as far as I could tell, was still playing air guitar. Sasha and Conny had quit talking. I hoped that didn't mean anything; Jean and Marco had provided me with enough drama to last the entire trip.
I was surprised that no one had fallen asleep yet. We'd hit midnight, and only Mikasa had ever seemed tired. Even I was quite awake, almost nervously energetic- which should have been a sign, in retrospect. It's strange how you never spot the warnings until they're frustratingly irrelevant.
Conny had to use the restroom again at around 12:30. We stopped at an old gas station to let him do so, Sasha deciding to follow suit. Knowing we were on a schedule, they speed-walked the whole way. It was a humorous sight, but for some reason, I didn't feel much like laughing, or even giggling.
Eren asked to switch seats with me. Mikasa raised an eyebrow, first at him, then at me, silently asking what had prompted the change. I tried my best to make a face that answered, I honestly have no idea.
"Armin," Eren said, "Do you mind grabbing me a slushie? I'm kind of on a sugar low right now."
"...sure."
I glanced at Mikasa, who looked as lost as I felt.
Eren grinned, but I knew it was forced. "What's with the face? We can't have a little privacy?"
Mikasa rolled her eyes, relaxing. After a moment of confusion (how had she bought that?), I remembered that she couldn't see his face. She'd feel as nervous as I did soon enough.
Dutifully, I played along and grabbed Eren a full-sized cola-based slushie. When Sasha and Conny fast-walked out of the men's and women's restrooms, somehow at the exact same time, I stopped them.
"Oh," they said as soon as they saw my expression.
Conny squinted at me. "Hot couple drama?"
"Er...yes, I think."
Sasha sighed. "So what do we do?"
"I'll go out first. If you see me get into the car, that means everything's fine. I'm sorry about this, honestly."
"Ehh," Conny dismissed. "It's cool. Not your fault, anyway."
Sasha tousled my hair. "You're a sweetie," she said. "Don't apologize for them; it makes me feel guilty."
Without meaning to, I ducked away from her hand, my palms clamming up a little. "Thanks, I guess."
Fortunately, Sasha was apparently not the type of person to be offended by a nervous reaction. "Consider it a compliment."
"Then thanks."
"Then you're welcome." She smiled and gestured to the door. "Shall we execute this brilliant plan?"
"Yeah," I answered, and out I went.
And out I wished I'd never gone.
"Look, Miks. This is about both of us, not just you."
"No, it's not."
"Yes it is! Okay, imagine that I never told you anything. That every time there was an issue, I kept my mouth shut about it. Suffering in silence isn't brave, Mikasa, it's stupid and childish."
"You want to scold me about childishness? Take a look at yourself, Eren. Do you even know what you're going to do after this trip?"
I put a hand over my mouth. This was bad. This was absolutely terrible. He'd gone and pried again, and now there was a huge can of worms on the table, fresh and nasty.
"That's none of your concern."
"It's not? Sorry, I just assumed that we were diving completely into one another's business. According to you, that's what a relationship is, right?"
"Fuckin hell, Mikasa, I have no idea what a relationship is! I'm not trying to say that I do!"
"Then stop preaching to me."
"I'm not preaching!"
"You are."
"I'm not, I swear. I just...do you know how ugly it feels, breaking up with someone you actually like?"
"Where did this come from?"
"I'm so scared, Miks-"
"Then quit creating problems."
"What the hell?! I'm not!"
"You are. Everything was fine until you decided to bring up an argument we've already resolved."
"We've resolved jack shit!"
"Language."
"To hell with language. I decided, for once in my life, to let go of confrontation. I thought it was better for us, at least in the beginning. But Derek-"
"Derek has nothing to do with us."
"Would you shut the hell up? Jesus, I can't even finish a goddamn sentence."
"Like you're one to talk. Even when I manage to get out a full sentence before the Eren Show decides to come back from its break, it's not like you listen."
"I do listen!"
"That's why you applied to Rose U, right?"
"Quit bringing that up! It has nothing to do with what we're talking about."
"I'll bring up your issues as many times as you bring up mine."
"So you admit it's an issue."
"It's only an issue because you make it one."
I decided that enough was enough. I hopped back into the van, pointedly closing the door behind me.
Eren and Mikasa grew very quiet.
"...how long have you been there?" Eren asked.
"I hate fighting," I answered. "And I hate it when you guys fight."
"If you want to blame someone, blame him," Mikasa said, her voice steely and her words ice-cold.
"Yeah, Armin, blame the guy trying to resolve a serious issue," Eren mocked.
"I'm blaming both of you. Eren for starting it, and Mikasa for giving it the ability to exist in the first place."
"Armin, would you appreciate my bringing up how you never solve problems? How you just cry about them? Would you like to talk about that?"
For a moment, we could've heard a pin drop.
"That was completely fucking uncalled for," Eren said, looking Mikasa in the eyes.
She turned to me, looking horrified.
And I was angry.
She began to apologize, but I cut her off.
"I don't want to hear it," I said.
"I didn't mean that," she tried. I ignored her, pulling out my phone and putting in my earphones.
Sasha and Conny jumped in before I began to play my music, holding a few trinkets they must've gotten from the store. Sasha began to drive, her shoulders tensing from the heated atmosphere.
At least they'd never heard the fight.
A/N: WOW I UPDATED BEFORE THE SUMMER ENDED AND I HAD TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL? WHAT ON EARTH?
Seriously, I'm so SO SORRY FOR BEING SO SLOW IN UPDATING. MY GOSH.
Remember how I was going to censor words? Well, not in scenes where they create emphasis. They're kind of distracting, I've found. So Armin shall hereby only censor certain words if they do not add to his pain and misery. ;)
This chapter was meant to be really long, but it's been a while since I last updated, and the summer's almost over, so I thought, "Eh. Now or never."
I hope you enjoyed Derek Jaeger. He's a babe, and I'm a little excited to introduce other characters like him.
If you're excited for the Sasha/Conny spotlight, the wait is almost over! They get all of the attention next chapter, so stay tuned.
Again, a giant thanks to all of you, especially those that review! My heart skips a beat when I see that someone's commented, every time.
Shoutout to Jessica, Sydney, and saythanksplease, for- idk, your friendship? You guys are so cool, and I'm glad we started talking.
Also, headcanons are totally welcome in reviews; I'm always looking for them filler ideas. Headcanons, prompts, requests, whatever! And don't forget to feed me my daily dose of critique, please.
I won't lie. I'm not sure when the next chapter's coming out, seeing as this year is going to be super busy for me. But I don't think I'm giving up this story for quite a while, so don't give up on me just yet. If I don't have it done by New Year's at the LATEST, you can assume I'm dead from stress.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your summer! (*whispers* see you next water time...heh...heh...)
(And, as usual, I apologize for any typos or glitches in the story. Feel free to point out anything I've missed.)
