Hi everyone!

Here's a new chapter. I hope you all like it. Don't forget to leave a review! Enjoy!

Back in the lair was Splinter waiting for us. We're usually back after one or two hours of patrolling. But this time it was a bit more. He didn't really like that. Ever since the big fight with Shredder, when we nearly died, he was always worried. Minutes before we were home lost Mikey his consciousness again. I brought him to Donnie's lab so that Donnie could examine him while Leo told Splinter what happened. Leo was angry, worried about Mikey and disappointed at me. But who cares about Raph, he always screws up everything! In the kitchen, I made myself a cuppa tea. I usually don't like tea but my hands were shaking and the tea had a comfortable effect on them. While I was drinking my tea, Leo walked out of the dojo where he had a 'conversation' about the night. In other words. They were talking about how I messed everything up and nearly killed Mikey. Leo looked at me for a split second and shook his head with condemnatory.

'What!' I said with an annoyed tone in my voice. I already knew what he was thinking but I just wanted him to say it.

'What? That's all you can say? Mikey nearly died because of your irresponsible action! Because you let your anger take control of you. Again!' Yelled Leo nearly.

'I'm in perfect control of my anger!' Yelled I back at him.

'No, you're not and I'm tired of you taking risks that have consequences for our family! Grow up Raph!' There was a pause before he continued.

'You're not going on a patrol with us anymore until you're able to get a hold on yourself.' Said Leo, with a normal tone.

'What! You can't do that!' I said in disbelieve.

'Yes, I can. I'm your leader and I'll tell you when you can go on patrol with us again.' Said Leo. I couldn't believe it. How dares he!

'So, what I'm I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait till Fearless tells me that I can come with him again!' Was my response.

'It's up to you what you're gonna do Raph. Just get a hold of yourself.' He then turned around and walked to Donnie's lab. Probably to go and check on Mikey.

'Do you even know what is like to be not yourself anymore? To see the people who did that to you and then do nothing about it?' Screamed I at him.

'No, I don't. But it doesn't give you the right to do something so ridiculously irresponsible as tonight! And you know what? Get over yourself Raph! You've been mean to all of us and had this excuse for months! Deal with it you're human! You can go outside on the middle on the day! We can't! But still you think you're the most pitiful person on this planet! But you ain't! accept it or not but don't use it as an excuse or to get what you want! We've been patient with you for all these months but no more!' Yelled Leo at me. He didn't even need to think about what he was going to say. Like he wanted to say this for a long time and kept on repeating it in his head. After he said what he wanted to say he walked away with big steps. I walked at my turn to my room and slammed the door so hard so Leo could hear it.

My room was dark, my lamp was broken so there was no light. But I knew every inch of my room and I was used to darkness. I've been living in these sewers for nearly 17 years, do you really think we always had electricity? Nope. But Einstein Donnie made some sort of generator out of the garbage that Splinter found in the sewers, Donnie was just nine years old. He was a genius, our genius. A year later he created something to make our home smell a bit better. If I think about that smell now… How was I able to live with that? It was disgusting.

There was a soft knock on my door. When I didn't react was there a second knock on my door, but louder.

'Raph, It's me. I need to take a look at the wound on your back.' I recognized Donnie's voice from the other side of the door.

'I'm going to sleep Donnie, maybe tomorrow.' Whispered I nearly, my voice being a little weak.

'Raph, it won't take long.' Tried Donnie again.

'Not in the mood Donnie, good night.' I got under my covers. They were soft and comfortable. They had the same smell they always had. A bit sweaty and dirty but also a hint of our detergent, like flowers. I took a deep breath and with that I fell in a deep, deep sleep.

I woke up to see Karai standing next to my bed. She held a red rose. It was that kind of red that reminds you of…love? Can a colour represent love? But still it was the first thing that came up in me. Karai just stood there and watched me. I stood up and looked her straight in the eye.

'Hello handsome.' She said with a smile on her face.

I wanted to say something back but I couldn't. I couldn't even move. The room changed. We weren't in my room anymore, no. We were at the building where we had that fight last night. Or was it tonight? I still wasn't able to move but I did could look around. Mikey was smiling and waving at me. I waved back. When I looked back at Karai I saw that she wasn't standing in front of me anymore. She now stood behind Mikey. I watched her movements. With small steps, she came closer to Mikey and when she was close enough, she hit him. Mikey fell down and didn't move. I screamed his name but nothing happened.

'What's going on?' I heard a voice. It was Donnie.

'Oh god no! Mikey's dead!' I heard Leo crying.

'No! Why didn't he try to save him! Why didn't you Raph!'

'I can't move!' Said I back at them.

'You let us down again Raph. Like you always do! Do you even care about us! You always put us in danger!' Said Donnie desperately. They were nowhere to be seen. Like only their voices were present.

'So, who's the handsome?' Said Karai playfully. She still held the rose but it had a different colour. It was still red but red like blood. She gave it to me.

'Keep your hands of my girl Raph! You always take everything from me! You're just jealous because I'm leader and you're not! And you know what! Splinter loves me and not you! I'm his favourite son and you're his least! You don't deserve his love!' Leo screamed. I pushed my hands on my ears as hard as I could. I didn't want to hear it. It's just a bad dream. None of it is real.

'You wanna know who the handsome is, Karai? Well he is a selfish angry little piece of shit, who doesn't deserve your love!' Groaned Leo.

'Oh well.' Laughed Karai. Leo stood next to her and she gave him the rose that was no longer in my hands. She kissed him.

Mikey was no longer dead and was playing a game with Donnie that seemed very funny. I wanted to join but it was like they didn't know I was here. I ran over to them and grabbed Mikey's shoulder and shook it around. Nothing happened I was a ghost.

'Don't leave me!' I cried. But I was no longer in the building, I was in my bed. I was breathing heavily while sweat came down my forehead. Just a bad dream Raph. Just a bad dream. No one is dead. No one hates you. Well…Not as much as in your dream. Hopefully. I laid down again, but couldn't sleep. I decided to make myself a cuppa tea.

The first sun rays danced on the big tree in the dojo while the early morning birds were singing their morning songs. The tea calmed me down. April walked into the kitchen. I didn't know she stayed the night here?

'Up already?' She asked with a sleepy voice.

'Sort of.' Said I. With a grounded tone in my voice.

'You know there are pills for people with sleeping problems.' She said, more as a joke than as advice.

'It's not that. Just a bad dream.'

'What was it about?'

'Can't remember.' Lied I. I think she knew because she rolled her eyes and mumbled something I couldn't hear.

'How is your wound?' She asked, clearly avoiding the question why I was lying.

'Oh. Uhh nothing special. It itches a little but it will be fine.' I pretended like it was nothing but it did still hurt very much.

'Let me look.' She said.

'Uhh… Donnie is going to…' I wasn't able to finish my sentence.

'You think Donnie is a better at taking care on wounds like this?'

'If you do it quickly, I wanna go to bed again.' I mumbled. She then came up to me. Pulled my shirt out and put her cold hand on my wound. Her salty hands didn't make it better but I was not going to let her notice that.

'You really should be more careful you know.' She said.

'Yeah Donnie says that all the time, but I don't think I'm always listening. Because I mostly end up like this.' I laughed. She laughed back at me.

'It doesn't look good Raph.' She said with a concerned voice.

She placed a wet towel on my wound. When the wound was cleaned she stitched it up and bandaged it.

'The stiches can go out in three days or so. Refresh the bandage every day and maybe you should not train for this week.' Said she.

'How do you know all this stuff?' Asked I. Honestly interested.

'We did a project on school. The most of my classmates found it boring but I didn't.' Explained April to me. There was a pause before I continued.

'April…Can I ask you something?' Said I with a tone of unsureness.

'Course. What do you wanna ask me.' April turned around to face me.

'Am I handsome?' My voice was now very unsecure. It was a stupid question but I still wanted to know the answer.

'Uhh. Why do you want to know?'

'Never mind, stupid question.' I stood up from my chair and walked toward the bathroom.

'Wait, Raph.'

'You are a little handsome. But why do you want to know?' Asked April, with a curious but also confused tone in her voice. Why was she confused?

'Just wondering.' Said I with a fake smile.

After that I took a shower and I went back to bed. I pulled the covers from my bed. Because they were sticky from the blood of my wound. I stared at the ceiling and could hear Splinter waking up. Then Leo who had his own morning ritual, like everyone else. First showering, then breakfast, while having breakfast having a conversation with Splinter. Which most of the time was very boring so I stopped listening years ago. And then he meditated in his room. I'm not a fan of meditation, you have to sit still and listen to your breath and pull yourself away from what happens in your environment. So, if there is danger or someone needs you, you can't. Well Splinter can. But that's Master Splinter. He is able to come out of his trance whenever he likes. Leo can do that too, sometimes, he's working on that. But Donnie, Mikey and I can't. On the other hand, Mikey can't really meditate, or even focus.

I finally closed my eyes and fell asleep after a long day. Asleep without bad dreams and to not be disturbed.