I don't know how I keep coming up with ideas, it's about as mad as this story. Sorry I made the Under Barrow Mr Butler suffer in the last chapter at the hands of the 'ginger sinker', but by no means is it over ;) Hope you enjoy this chapter as I went through such pains to write it as it is getting so hard. In fact this may have to be the last dares chapter to take place. Unless I come up with something very soon which is absolutely fantastic. Unlikely. But the story itself is not over yet.
Thank you so much for reading, and all the kind reviews. I'm thrilled my humour writing has had the desired affect :D
Apologies for any spelling/ grammar mistakes
In light of recent events, Alfred had come to a decision.
"I have come to a decision; I want to change the rules." Alfred boldly stepped up.
"You can't change the rules. They're the rules. If you could change them then they wouldn't be rules." Jimmy said.
"I don't care. I want to no longer do anything with Mr Barrow involved, so I'll be willing to do stuff involving Ivy."
Hmmm. "Fine, fair enough after you punched him, twice. Then nothing with me hair."
"So you'll do stuff with Mr Barrow?"
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, why can't something come along and kill me right now?
"Can you really not decide?"
He said about me saying me hair were a wig last time. I can't let that happen. I don't think it can be worse than being found under his bed in me underwear. "Yes. I'll do stuff regarding Mr Barrow."
"HA! I weren't going to give you one about your hair anyway! Haha!"
Since when was Alfred smart? "I loathe you. That's it, this is war now."
"It's on. Let's see how you like it now. I dare you to style Mr Barrow's hair."
Wow, that could have been worse. That'll be easy. I wouldn't mind getting me hands on his hair. If it's his. Oo I could give him a wave like mine. Eeee! At least I'll know if it's a good idea to ever dye me hair black, after all I can't have me hair looking stupid now can I? "Then I dare you to hide from Mr Carson."
"How am I supposed to hide from Mr Carson?"
"Obviously not during dinner, but the rest of the time."
"How?"
"Just do what you would do when you're trying to hide from someone." Jimmy said obviously.
"Can we change the rules back?" Alfred regretted his earlier decision.
"Fine, if you want to kiss Mr Barrow." Jimmy teased.
"Damn you Jimmy Kent. Damn you."
Jimmy and Alfred came and sat in the servant's hall to have a break from all the cleaning. Anna, Miss O'Brien and Mr Bates had gone to Scotland with the family, and their absence was noticed as the room felt very empty. Then Mr Barrow came in and sat a few seats along from the footmen, looking cautious.
"What's the matter Mr Barrow?" Jimmy asked.
"Seeing as Alfred seems to make a habit of punching me, I thought I'd keep me distance."
"I'm sorry Mr Barrow. Does it hurt?" Alfred apologised.
"No. It's fine, I know it were an accident. But I appreciate the concern."
"If you like I can make it better." Jimmy offered.
"How's that then?"
Not in the way you're thinking of. "I could do your hair for you."
The under butler looked at the signature wave sticking out of Jimmy's head and tightened his lips to keep from laughing. "I'm all right thanks."
"Why not? I could make it look beautiful." Jimmy said romantically.
"I thought you said me hair were perfection."
"It is, it were, but today it's just… well, it's done that thing again hasn't it?"
"What thing?" A wave of self- consciousness swept Mr Barrow's features.
"Where it looks like a wig."
"Me hair does not look like a wig!" The under butler cried in frustration of the young blonde's unwillingness to accept that his hair was real.
"I think we both know that's not true don't we?"
"No we don't! Me hair looks real, how do I know this? Because it's my hair, and it is real."
"What do you do to it?" Jimmy scrutinised the under butler's hair closely.
"I put a comb through it. Stop trying to touch it." He flapped as Jimmy wiggled his fingers closer to his hair.
"Why? Will it fall off if I do? Is it unstable?"
"No, but I feel your head is." Mr Barrow retorted.
"What happens if you blow it?"
"I'm going." The older man stood up.
"No, please." Jimmy found himself grabbing the under butler's hand in his earnest." Let me do your hair, it could be so much more than it is; I could open you up to new worlds of… hair. Oh please. I could make you look amazing, not wig like." Do I really care this much? Hang on, when did my hand get there?
"You two need to make your minds up, one minute I'm handsome and perfect the next I look bald." Mr Barrow took his hand from the younger man.
"Well you are getting on a bit."
"Excuse me?!" Mr Barrow folded his arms.
"That's not a bad thing."
"How is it not?"
"It gives you a sexy mature look." Jimmy jiggled his head in consideration.
"And evil! Don't forget evil." Alfred's outburst warranted the other two to look at him.
"I look evil?" Mr Barrow raised an eyebrow; clearly he had never heard such a description of himself aesthetically.
"In a sexy, mature way. You yummy beast." Alfred said awkwardly, trying to compensate for attacking him the day before, with flattery. It was wrong that Jimmy and Mr Barrow were accustomed to this now, enough that the only reaction gained was a toss of the head.
"Right so next time I go to a club I'll be sure to use open with; 'Hi I'm Thomas and this is me wig'."
Never realised how lovely his name his. Especially when he says it. It suits him so well. "It might work." Jimmy said quietly.
"What is going on in here?" Mr Carson's voice filtered through the air.
"Mr Carson. James, Alfred and I were just-" Mr Barrow turned but the ginger headed footman was nowhere to be seen, "where's Alfred? He were here a second ago."
A knock from under the table, followed by a stifled moan answered the under butler's question as he bent down and peered beneath the surface, just as he did under the bed the morning before.
"Alfred, what are you doing under the table?"
Uh, I fell asleep? The nightmares have come back and I'm waiting for Jimmy to come and join me so we can cry about unicorns and cheesy fields? "I needed inspiration."
"What for?" Mr Barrow queried.
"For- er- A poem. Yes, I'm writing a poem!" Alfred folded his arms in satisfaction at his wit.
"What about?"
Ah, didn't think about that. "It's about...Legs. It's about legs… Mr Barrow's legs."
"What?" The other three men asked in unison.
"Yes. He has a good pair of legs does Mr Barrow. I thought I might write a poem about them." Oh.. my.. God!
"You're writing a poem about me legs?" Mr Barrow repeated.
"Yes." Alfred said awkwardly, this development seeing him retreat further under the table rather than out of it.
"How might that go?" Jimmy asked him, to stir the pot further, his face joining Mr Barrow's under the table.
I hate Jimmy. Oh god, think of Mr Barrow's legs. "It's not finished yet. So it won't be just right yet... Dark hair, on pale skin. Like the fuzz on a chin…. So strong and tall. The most beautiful legs of all. When I see them from under your bed- I mean table… their manliness… goes straight to me head." What rhymes with table?
The third set of knees bent and Mr Carson's face to join the others and the three looked at Alfred in utter bewilderment.
"Alfred. Have you been at the cider?"
"No Mr Carson."
"Well if you've got nothing better to do than gaze at Mr Barrow's legs maybe you could find something useful to do."
"Yes Mr Carson."
The three straightened up, and Alfred emerged from the table, as Mr Carson left his second in command to order the two youngsters to task, "All right lads, you heard Mr Carson. Seeing as we finished the clocks yesterday James you can finish Alfred's polishing of the silver, I trust there isn't much to be done."
"What about me Mr Barrow?" Alfred asked sheepishly.
"Well Alfred, I think you should finish that poem." Mr Barrow smirked. "I expect a recital tomorrow."
"Yes Mr Barrow." Alfred practically sobbed, while Jimmy restrained his amusement.
"So I can't do your hair later then Mr Barrow?" Jimmy questioned in a final plea, despite the ill timing of it.
"I don't think so James. After all, I've seen you do your hair, and I like to keep the silverware out of mine." The under butler grinned, before leaving the footmen alone to contemplate how the rest of their day should proceed, as they knew it was only just beginning.
After lunch Jimmy pulled Alfred over into the corridor to exchange much needed words;
"Alfred, I think we should go and thank Mr Barrow for last night."
"Why?"
"Let's see, you punched him in the face… twice, and we were practically perving on him in his room, not to mention your sudden romantic affair with his legs. He's been very good and hasn't said anything about it to anyone; on top of that he's kept us out of trouble with Mr Carson."
"He has?" Alfred scratched his head.
"Of course it's him. It's obvious; we should have been done after what happened at dinner the other day." Jimmy reminded him.
"It's only because he loves you."
"You what?"
"You can't tell me you don't know. It's obvious, even after everything. He won't let anyone say anything against you."
"Why? What have I done?" Jimmy asked searchingly.
"Nothing, I'm just saying he won't hear a bad word about you." Alfred informed him.
"That doesn't mean anything."
"Yes it does."
"I still think we should speak to him." Jimmy pressed.
"Fine, but I'm not saying anything."
"Yes you are or I'll tell him you love him. Him and his manly legs." The blonde flashed a smile.
"I'm not romantically involved with his legs-" Alfred began but Jimmy walked away from him before he could finish, away outside where Mr Barrow was leaning up against a wall, smoking.
"Mr Barrow?" Jimmy called over to him, towing Alfred along behind him, who made a point of dragging his heels.
"What is it this time?" The under butler leaned his hand back in exasperation, "Do you want to touch me hair? A hug from Mr Barrow? To recite the rest of that poem? Or have you come to talk about boobs and urinate against the wall?" Pushing himself from the bricks just in case of the latter option.
"No, we just wanted to thank you for last night, and the night before I suppose and for not mentioning it. You've been kind."
"I thought I were evil a while ago."
"Only in appearance."
"I see."
"But I think if I gave you a new hairstyle you might look less villainous." Jimmy said spiritedly.
"Maybe I like looking villainous." The under butler put the cigarette to his lips as though it emphasized his villainy.
"Why? When you could look like me?" The footman posed, tossing his golden hair back vainly, adjusting his cuffs and raising his eyebrows.
"I think the world would end as we know it."
"So no then?"
"Yes, it's a no." Mr Barrow noticed the ginger footman looking sombre and silent, staring down at the ground, the under butler discarded his cigarette and stretched out his arms. "Alfred… do you need a hug from Mr Barrow?" He teased.
"No, and stop talking in the third person like that."
"How else can I make you feel like a three year old?" The older man dropped his hands to his sides.
"Go on Alfred, tell him." Jimmy urged.
"I don't know what to say-"
"It's all right Alfred, I think I know." Mr Barrow raised his hand.
"You do?" If I don't know, how does he?
"Well it's not like I haven't noticed your behaviour towards me the last week, the punches threw me a bit but I know they weren't on purpose. Especially after calling me a beast and writing that poem about me legs, well-"
"I were only being friendly!"
"Right, because you value me friendship that much-" The under butler doubted.
Alfred took a couple of steps forward, close enough to the older man to touch him, and looked him straight in the eyes. "Now look Mr Barrow, let's get this clear once and for all. I do not fancy you, I don't want you in me pants, I don't want you anywhere near me pants; I just think you're very attractive and sensitive while still being an embodiment of man with your seductive evil knees!"
Mr Barrow looked at Jimmy to see if he could make any sense of what Alfred was saying, a shrug and bemused expression told him 'no'. "I see. That's cleared things right up." He said sarcastically, "So what is it you wanted to say?"
"Er-"
Any attempt at a response was interrupted by Mr Carson's voice calling outside who was searching for his missing staff. "James?!"
Oh god, he can't see me! Alfred grabbed the first thing he could think of to use as a shield and pressed himself between it and the wall. It was only when he saw that the thing he grabbed was Mr Barrow that he panicked further, especially as the under butler opened his mouth to yell at the footman. He had to be silenced. Alfred's hands were occupied with holding the wriggling under butler to him so had to make do with the next best thing, and planted a whopping great kiss on his lips. Mr Barrow, unable to move from the shock of this unexpected assault from the footman, could only flail his arms wildly in shock. Alfred's lips still pressed firmly against his own, stifling his screams.
Jimmy meanwhile had to deal with Mr Carson, trying to restrain his emotion which was begging for him to join Mr Barrow in screaming, but in laughter. "Yes Mr Carson?"
"Have you seen Alfred and Mr Barrow?"
"Well, uh," He looked at the pair writhing against the wall awkwardly, "They're busy right now Mr Carson but I'll send them in when they're done."
"I expect them in one minute."
"They'll be there Mr Carson." Jimmy nodded reassuringly, trying to obscure the under butler's arm, waving from around the corner of the wall.
As the butler retreated indoors Alfred released the wide eyed Mr Barrow from his grip and straightened himself out. "Yes, uh, thank you Mr Barrow, it were very good of you." I'm going to be sick.
"I hate to break up this most romantic moment, but we best go in." Jimmy interjected.
"Uh huh." Mr Barrow whimpered as he swayed back and forth, and the three men walked very slowly indoors.
"Can we talk about boobs and urinate later?" Alfred whimpered.
To which Jimmy replied, "Of course we can Alfred, of course we can."
Mr Barrow was still in a state of shock later that day, and Alfred wasn't faring much better. At dinner the footman even fled from the room in tears at what he had done. His hiding from Mr Carson helped also to hide his tears, except when he was found later that day in a cupboard by the butler in an effort to conceal himself from him, giving an excuse that he had gas and didn't want to inflict it upon the downstairs servants. When Mr Carson asked why he was crying though, Alfred replied, 'It's this poem about Mr Barrow's legs, it's just moved me deeply'. Meanwhile Jimmy had tried to comfort Mr Barrow, who was clearly suffering from shock, and took advantage of his absentmindedness as the youth subtly tried to rearrange the under butler's hair, but his hand was incessantly batted away. The night was drawing in and despite the trauma of that day Jimmy was still determined that he would have the last laugh.
"What do you mean you haven't done it? We'll be going up to bed soon. It seems eternal manhood is in me grasp." Alfred beamed with pride at his imminent victory now they were alone in the servant's hall, just waiting for everyone to retire for the night.
"You kissed Mr Barrow; I think you'll need it more than I will."
"I panicked." Alfred was close to bursting into tears again. I wish me auntie were here. I can't even ask Mr Barrow for one of his 'Mr Barrow hugs'.
"I love it when you panic." Jimmy chuckled.
"I think he knows what's going on."
"I don't think so, he'd say something." If it would stop Alfred kissing him I think he'd say something.
"Unless he's letting us do it so he can use it against us."
"If he is it's not doing that much harm. At least not as much as you seem to have done him."
"What about my harm? I bloody kissed him!"
"No one made you. Though isn't it ironic that you changed the rules so you wouldn't have to do anything with Mr Barrow and I said if not I'd make you kiss him, but you still did it anyway?"
"Yes I know." Alfred clutched his head in shame, but Jimmy only found it a provocation to tease him.
"Maybe you do have feelings for him, deep inside. You certainly seemed to be enjoying that kiss, didn't think you'd ever let him go. Thought I saw your leg go up and all."
"Shut up. It did not. I just don't know what to do in certain situations."
"So you just kiss people. Let me know about these situations will you? Make a list and I'll be sure to avoid them with you."
"Very funny."
"Oh it really is." Jimmy told him.
"Go on then. There he is, your last chance, unless you forfeit." Alfred pointed out the dark haired under butler strutting around the kitchen pretending he wasn't mentally scarred, as usual.
"I don't think so." Jimmy said with determination.
"Go on then, and don't worry, I'll be right there behind you watching."
"Yeah, watching Mr Barrow, and his legs." Jimmy jested.
"Hurry up." Alfred pushed him.
Jimmy looked around, how can he style Mr Barrow's hair? He had no brush; there was no time. "All right, I have it."
Jimmy seized the cutlery, not caring that it was protruding from a hall boy's mouth, and charged straight for the unsuspecting butler before jumping on him and sending them both into a pile on the floor. Wow didn't think he'd go down so easily! Mr Barrow was too busy screaming in pain to force Jimmy off him aggressively, "Oh my god! What is wrong with you?"
"Just stay still Mr Barrow, and it will all be over soon!" Jimmy grabbed the under butler's head in a lock and forced the silverware through it. That's it, just come free from his head. How much pomade does he bloody use?
"What are you doing to me? Dear god!" Mr Barrow cried.
Suddenly all froze as Ivy squealed from behind the counter, "Mr Carson's coming." Jimmy released the under butler's head, and with it the silverware, as the pair on the floor made to stand up, but Alfred did the opposite and collapsed, grabbing the under butler to use him as a shield, pulling him back down to the floor so their bodies became entangled, but Mr Barrow was still holding onto Jimmy who fell forward onto the under butler's chest. The three men now in a mass on the kitchen floor, Mr Barrow being sandwiched between the footmen just as Mr Carson walked in.
"What on earth is going on in here?!"
"Mr Carson," The under butler began, none of the three men daring to move due to the precarious positions they were in, especially as Jimmy's knee was in a particularly sensitive position for Mr Barrow, "I know what this looks like but-"
"And what might that be?"
"I want you to know, that I do not host male orgies in the kitchen."
Jimmy giggled girlishly into Mr Barrow's chest.
"I should hope not! Not with the maid present!" Mr Carson protested, gesturing to Ivy.
Thomas and Jimmy looked at each other in confusion at Mr Carson' objection being to the proper conduct of a male orgy, not the fact it could be taking place at all, "Sorry Mr Carson, when I plan a kitchen orgy I'll make sure all the maids have gone to bed." Mr Barrow continued.
"Don't get clever with me Mr Barrow, now just what is going on here?"
The men had been lying on the floor now for a while and none seemed to be able to bring themselves to get up, except for Alfred who was wheezing underneath the weight of the two men on top of him. Jimmy wanted to tell him to shut up because the sound he was emitting was a turn off and spoiling the moment for him. Not that lying on the kitchen floor in front of a butler and a maid, while lying on top of two men, one who had a fork stuck in their hair, the other being Alfred, was much of a moment to spoil.
"Well Mr Carson I were showing James and Alfred a trick with the silver, and the fork got stuck in me hair, and James were trying to get it out you see but we fell over into Alfred." Mr Barrow explained.
"Alfred? I didn't see you there." The butler thought it was unusual for there to be six legs between two men, until he looked beyond Mr Barrow and saw the second footman's head sticking out from the tangle of limbs.
"Good evening Mr Carson." He wheezed, as the under butler and Jimmy leaned their faces into each other's necks to conceal their laughter from Mr Carson.
"Get up this instant, and get off to bed all of you. I've never seen such a display."
"It will never happen again Mr Carson. Eek!" Mr Barrow said for the pile, squealing as Jimmy moved his knee just a little too high as he stood up. He doubled over to adjust himself to the pain but looking up he saw a shining silver implement dangling from his hair, and he pursed his lips in irritation.
"And I hope that fork is gone from your hair in the morning Mr Barrow." The butler felt he needed to add, for some reason thinking Mr Barrow might have kept it there.
"It will be Mr Carson." Mr Barrow assured him before the butler took his leave now all was right with the world again.
"This seems very familiar doesn't it James?" The under butler straightened up slowly, as the fork swung before his eyes.
"Yes Mr Barrow, I'm sorry. Here." The youth tried to untangle the fork from the under butler's hair. At last! At last! I have you! Wow, he does have nice hair.
"Ow. Ow." Mr Barrow cried quietly as Jimmy had to jerk the cutlery to prise it free.
Aww my poor baby. Eh? "I'm sorry. I'm trying to be gentle. There. Hey, your hair's real!" The blonde announced in surprise as he straightened out the under butler's hair.
"Glad you finally realise! Maybe you can stop going on about it now!"
Jimmy kept his mouth clamped shut, until he finished adjusting the hair which the under butler trusted him to fix in his time of need. Then suddenly Jimmy's face illuminated, he clutched his cheeks, and could have sworn he raised a leg, and exclaimed, "Oh my god you look beautiful!"
"What? Why?" The under butler suddenly looked panicked, he picked up a silver tray that was lying on the side, and looked in its silvery surface, "Oh my god, oh my god, what have you done?" He demanded to know as he saw in his reflection a long strand of hair hung over his forehead, which had been curled into a wave.
"It's a Jimmy-wave." The artist said proudly, touching his own Jimmy wave to show what he had done.
"Dear god! No, no! Why? Why would you do this?! Haven't I suffered enough?!" Tears filled the under butler's eyes as he dropped his head onto the counter.
"Mr Barrow?" Jimmy tapped him on the shoulder, but he would not stir, "Thomas?"
"I think he's in shock." Alfred whispered.
"Not surprised after the day he's had."
"We'd best get him up to bed." The taller footman came to take Mr Barrow's arm, indicating for Jimmy to take the other.
"Thought you might want to, you dirty devil." Jimmy joked.
"I'm not the one who jumped on him." Alfred argued.
"I'm not the one who used him as a body shield, and kissed him! By the way, why didn't you just hide behind the counter?"
"I panicked."
