Title: Creepy Crawlies
Rating:
Characters: Sanji, Nami
Pairings: SaNa… Sort of, but maybe not at all.
Spoilers: Slight mentions of Skypeia and Enies Lobby.
Timeframe: After Enies Lobby, I suppose
Notes: Because they're afraid of bugs, so I have to exploit it at least once. While I was writing this my hair would brush my face and I would jump, or I would think I felt things on my toes… Haha! I think they get a little OOC…
Summary: Sanji, Nami, and a cave full of creepy crawlies. This can't end well…
Creepy Crawlies
By Dandy Wonderous
Sanji was a man who had seen many things, a man who had persevered through atrocities without fear, or at least without visible fear.
Mermen? No problem.
Getting shocked to the state of burnt toast (twice)? Nothing he couldn't handle.
Annoying giant wolf guys? No sweat.
But this cave, which he and Nami had taken refuge in from a large force of marines, wasn't full of mermen, demi-gods, or wolfmen.
Why couldn't it have been snakes? he thought woefully. Or evil pygmies, or zombies, or something?
No, the cave was not full of these things. What it did hold was bugs.
Lots of bugs.
Spiders and centipedes and scorpions and, most hated of all, cockroaches, and they seemed to have nothing better to do than try to scuttle up his trouser leg.
Had he been alone, he would have taken his chances with the marines rather than stay in the cave a second longer. But he was with Nami, and they had agreed to try and avoid fighting with them, anyway, and get back to the ship as soon as possible. He and Nami had ducked in here to try and lose them, but they hadn't expected a colony to be on the inside.
Nami was just as thrilled to be in this nest as he was. She freaked at every slight touch of a leg or a feeler on her sandaled foot, usually cringing into his chest for protection and swallowing a shriek.
That part he couldn't complain about. But he'd hardly get out a single "mellorine" before another menace invaded his personal space.
It wasn't so much that he was afraid of bugs. But they were creepy, had way too many legs and eyes, and their presence never failed to give him headaches in the kitchen.
And they were just gross. A gentleman such as he shouldn't be subjected to such unsanitary things.
Shouts from outside. The cave was fairly shallow, and Sanji realized with dread that their only chance was to hide behind a large pile of rocks at the back. He gripped Nami's wrist and tugged on her gently.
"Come on, Nami-san," he whispered, voice so low she could barely hear it. She looked at the rocks, listening to the scuttling of so many hundreds of tiny feet, scowled, then nodded and followed.
They crunched unpleasantly to the back of the cave and dove behind the rocks just as the marines reached the entrance and peered inside. A few decided it would be a good place to check and started in, weapons raised, while the others hurried on.
It was about that time that Sanji looked at Nami and noticed the spiders making their way up her arm and onto her shoulder. One was brushing her cheek with a leg experimentally.
He could see the freak out coming already, so he reacted; he muffled her with one hand, eye desperately pleading for forgiveness for his rude action.
She stared at him with wide eyes, wanting to scream but holding it back.
They listened to the marines for a moment, who were cautiously approaching.
Nami's eye widened even further and she uttered a muffled gasp, low enough that it couldn't be heard.
And Sanji felt the roaches on his arms and face. A few were even in his hair.
Okay, so maybe he was a little afraid of bugs.
This time it was his turn to freak, and her turn to slam her hand over his mouth. The marines had guns, and if they found them now with nothing to shield them…
The two pirates stayed that way for what seemed an eternity, listening to the marines, hearts pounding, trying to ignore the little feet that climbed over their arms and faces and into their hair and down their shirts and…
"AAH!"
There was a freaked scream, but it did not come from Sanji or Nami. Only feet from their hiding place one of the marines had stepped in a young spider nest and had them crawling all over his legs. Next to him one of the others was being assaulted by Sanji's good friends the cockroaches. Another was trying to get an extra large centipede off his head.
Screaming like little girls (an oddly satisfying sound, Sanji thought), the marines fled the cave, in unspoken agreement that no one was crazy enough to hide in such a place.
The second they knew they were alone Sanji and Nami were on their feet, brushing bugs off themselves and each other, shaking them out of their clothes and hair. Nami had finally given in and was verbally freaking, though she had the good sense to keep it to a dull roar, while Sanji blasted them with every curse word he knew and a few he made up for good measure.
Finally Sanji brushed the last of the spiders off Nami's cheek and they fell silent, panting slightly. And then, simultaneously, they began a bug squashing spree, getting rid off all the vermin that had been on them permanently.
"I think…" Sanji said after a moment. "I think that's the last of the shitheads."
"Here, at least," she agreed, looking around. "But the rest of the cave is still infested."
"Then we'll run the hell out of here and squash a bunch on our way."
She looked ready to act on that plan, but suddenly she paused. "Wait… Do you hear that?"
"Huh?" Sanji strained his ears, but couldn't hear anything.
"It sounds like… a whole bunch of treasure being jingled around!" Nami was suddenly excited, her eyes seeming to turn into beri signs.
"Nami-san has such wonderful hearing!" Sanji gushed unnecessarily. "But where is it coming from?"
She peered around the gloom and saw something. "Look, there's more to this cave!"
Sanji looked where she indicated. Indeed, he could see it now: a low passage that led deeper underground just behind where they now hid.
"Let's go see what's down there," she demanded, and he was quick to comply.
"Follow me, Nami-san. I'll protect you from any bugs. But just in case, you may want to stand very close."
"Just go, Sanji-kun."
"Yes, Nami-san!"
He had to stoop low to fit through the passage, and even she had to duck her head. They went down for maybe fifty yards or so, and then it leveled out. They rounded a corner and entered a large chamber, no light from above reaching it.
Sanji pulled his lighter out of his pocket and lit it, then held it up for what light it gave.
First thing the light found was a large pile of gold, which Nami immediately squealed in delight over.
The second thing the light found was the dozens of glittering eyes belonging to the huge spider that guarded the treasure.
"Oh, shit!" he yelled, taking an involuntary step back and almost knocking her down.
Okay, so maybe he was more than a little afraid of bugs. But to his credit, this bug was the size of a frickin' wheelbarrow.
The only thing that would be worse is if the lighter went out.
"Sanji-kun," Nami hissed urgently. She sounded scared. "There's a big spider here."
"Nami-san is so observant," he stuttered, not sarcastic even if a small part of him wanted to be.
"You're gonna have to squash it if I'm gonna-if we're gonna get that treasure."
"Y-yes, of course. Anything Nami-swan desires." He took a deep breath and straightened up, normal battle nonchalance forced onto his face.
"Alright, bug," he addressed it. "Nami-san wants that gold, so you're gonna have to get out of the way or be squished."
In response, it made an odd hissing noise (were spiders even supposed to be able to do that!?!) and spit a thread of sticky webbing at Sanji that he just managed to avoid.
Nami shrieked and dove back through the entry, calling over her shoulder, "I'm counting on you, Sanji-kun!"
Well, that got him fired up. He hopped to his feet with new determination. "Yes, Nami-san!"
And then the lighter sputtered and died.
Cursing Murphy and his stupid law, Sanji flicked the lighter a few times with his experienced thumb. A few sparks, and then nothing.
Out of lighter fluid.
Shit.
Another hiss, and the webbing flew past his shoulder; he felt the air as it passed. How was he supposed to squash this giant-shudder-bug without any light?
"I know you can do it, Sanji-kun!"
That's right. This is for Nami-san. All for Nami-san. Focus on Na-HOLY SHIT WAS THAT ITS LEG!?!
Something that felt vaguely hairy brushed against his waist and he forced a shriek back down his throat. After all, Black Leg Sanji did not scream like a little girl.
Instead he gritted his teeth and took a few steps away from the leg. Then, hoping he had judged the distance right in the dark, he pulled his leg up and brought it down hard on the spider's back. Or abdomen. Or whatever.
It made a strange, high-pitched shrieking noise, then collapsed on the cave floor. Just to be sure, Sanji gave it a few more kicks.
"It's dead, Nami-sa-AAH!"
Black Leg Sanji did not shriek like a little girl; that had been a manly shout of surprise.
Several strands of webbing had shot from nowhere and slammed him back into the wall, pinning him there. A hissing confirmed his worst fear; there was a second spider lurking in the darkness beyond the gold.
"Um, N-nami-san," he stammered quietly, still embarrassed by his shri-manly shout of surprise. "There's another one…"
"So kill it!"
"I would love to, Nami-san, but I seem to be…" He struggled against the web, but it was strong as steel. "Stuck."
A pause.
"What do you mean, you're STUCK!?!"
"Well, you see, it has me in its web…"
The hissing grew closer.
"Nami-san, it's coming this way," he said urgently.
"Wait, that's good!"
A beat. "It is?"
"Just keep distracting it, Sanji-kun!" She rushed past him, producing a large bag from who knew where and shoveling gold in like crazy.
"Good plan, Nami-san!" Sanji cooed, but could hear his pounding heart in his ears. The spider was getting closer. It wouldn't take long before-
A shiver ran down his spine as it touched him with the familiar hairy leg.
"N-nami-san?" he ventured. "It's here."
"Just a few more seconds, Sanji-kun," she called back cheerfully.
"Yes, Nami-san…" He pulled as far away from the spider as he could, thrashing against the web.
He felt something brush his arm. Are those its FANGS!?! Shit, it's gonna suck me dry!
"Nami-san?" he said more frantically.
No answer but the movement of feet.
Did she just LEAVE ME HERE!?! No, no, Nami-san would never do that! I have faith in her.
The spider hissed again and he felt the pointy things that were suspiciously like fangs once again.
Oh shit, what if she did? Well, it's good that she got her treasure, but… He couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, she had really left him to die.
WHACK!
The Perfect Clima-tact slammed down on the beast's head. It hissed in surprise, but she had already hit it a second time. It went down, and she stamped on it a few times with her high-heeled sandal.
"Nami-san came back for me!" Sanji crowed in pure delight.
"Of course I did, moron. What, did you think I was just going to leave you here?"
"Of course not, Nami-swan! I never doubted you for a single second!"
"Yeah, yeah. Now let's get you… out… Ugh! What is with this stuff!?!" She tugged on the web, unable to break it. "Oh, it's no use. It'll have to be cut."
Sanji felt dread growing already. "Might I ask with what, Nami-san?" Don't say it, please don't say it…
"I'll just have to find Zoro. He'll have you out of there in a second."
Sanji couldn't stop his groan. Just what he needed; the marimo to see him plastered to the wall like a giant fly.
"Oh, it'll be fine," Nami lied. She was probably smiling encouragingly, not like Sanji could appreciate it in the dark.
"Whatever Nami-san thinks is best," he managed half-heartedly.
Feeling unusually guilty, Nami felt around until she found his arm through a gap in the webbing. "I'm sorry, Sanji-kun."
"Don't feel that way, Nami-san! It's not your fault!"
"I know that, idiot. But I'm still sorry you're stuck to the wall." She sighed, following the sticky outline of his body until she got to his face. She rubbed his right cheek comfortingly. "Thank you for helping me."
Nami-san is touching me! Ah! Mellorine! Sanji smiled despite his circumstances. "Of course. I'd do anything for you, Nami-san."
"Yeah, well… Thanks anyway." And then, after a second of hesitation, she stood up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the lips.
It wasn't long, but it was enough that, when she pulled away, he erupted into "mellorines" and somehow managed to wiggle in his customary delighted way in spite of his bonds.
She hadn't really planned that, but, after everything he had just done, she decided he had deserved it.
She stepped back and gathered up her bag. "I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?"
"I'll wait for you until I die, Nami-san!"
She smirked just a little. "It won't take that long. Oh, and Sanji-kun?"
"Yes, Nami-san?"
"Don't worry; I won't tell Zoro about how you screamed like a girl."
Sanji waited until she was gone up the passage before he slammed his head back against the rock in humiliation.
The End
A/N: Aw, poor Sanji-kins!
I don't think he would actually scream like a girl, ever, but I just couldn't resist having some fun with it anyway.
I don't know why that spider had so much treasure. Maybe it's like dragons and magpies; it likes shiny things.
Finally, this is Dandy Wonderous, surprised she fell this far to the SaNa side, signing off!
