I felt him outside the door before I heard him knock. Despite the heaviness in my stomach, I laughed.
"It's your room, Edward," I said. "Just come in."
He opened the door and paused, as if reluctant to enter. I watched him from where I was sitting, cross-legged on the floor next to the wall-sized window.
"Bella," he said, staring at me. I waited for him to say something else, but he just looked at me, his eyes burning with intensity.
I swallowed hard, trying not to let the beautiful sight of him make me forget what I needed to say.
"Please, come in," I finally managed.
He came in and closed the door behind him. He walked toward me, and at first I thought he was going to join me on the floor. He changed course at the last moment, though, and sat on the side of the bed, facing me.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, willing myself to keep it together long enough to make this parting what it always should have been. I owed that to him, to us.
"Edward, I need something from you," I said at last.
"Anything," he answered immediately, his gaze boring into me.
His response took me off guard, and I hesitated before I continued.
"I need you to forget about me," I said.
He drew in his breath sharply. "Forget?" he repeated in a choked voice.
I nodded.
"I'm human, Edward, and not a terribly graceful one. I'm going to get hurt sometimes. I am going to die someday. You can't make that about you, though. You can't hurt yourself, put your family through that, because you feel guilty about me."
There. I'd gotten the first part out. I had considered making him promise me, but I remembered guiltily how well I'd kept that promise to him and discarded the idea.
Edward looked confused for a moment, then incredulous.
"You think that I went to Italy because I felt guilty?" he asked.
I shrugged, confused by his reaction.
"I just figured… It was the only thing that made sense," I said. "Didn't you?"
"Of course I felt guilty," he said, his hand curling into fists on his lap. "When Rosalie told me –" His voice broke. Was Edward crying?
"Well, you don't have to do that," I continued, struggling to keep our conversation on track. "You can't do that again, ever."
"It was the only thing I could do, Bella," he said, looking at me sadly. "I thought you were gone."
"I had been gone for months," I said, my voice fading to a whisper. "You wanted that."
He closed his eyes, drew a deep breath, sighed heavily. When he opened them, they were full of determination, and perhaps fear. In a fluid motion, he slid from the bed to kneel in front of me so we could see eye to eye. He reached for one of my hands, taking it and holding it between both of his.
My shock numbed me, and I could only stare at him.
"I lied to you, Bella," he said, looking into my eyes, his expression tortured. "There is nothing I want more than you; there never has been." He lifted a hand to my cheek and touched it lightly. "There never will be."
I felt my spine turn to rubber and would have slumped against the carpet if Edward hadn't moved and caught me in an embrace.
I stared at him, my eyes filling with tears. "I don't understand," I choked.
"I love you, Bella," he said. "I was afraid for you… and for myself, and I lied to you. I am so sorry, more sorry than you can imagine. I beg you to forgive me, please."
He was crying. He held me lightly in the circle of his arms, drawn back far enough that we could see the other's face. I felt dizzy.
"You…" I began, struggling for words. "What you told me… It wasn't…?"
"None of it was true, Bella," he said, his eyes downcast. "I didn't mean any of it."
"It sounded like you meant it," I said.
"I had to be a good liar, Bella. I believed I was saving your life."
A sob broke free from me unexpectedly.
"Saving my life?" I said incredulously, an edge of anger in my voice. "I died that day, Edward. The day you left was the end of everything for me." Tears were running down my cheeks, and the numbness was being pushed back by stronger emotions. Hope nudged against my heart dangerously.
"I know that now," Edward said between his own dry sobs. "God, Bella, I was so wrong. I thought you could be happy without me. I thought you would find something better than me. You deserve something better-"
"There is nothing better than you!" I cried, almost shouting. The words seem to break some dam inside me, and I was suddenly overwhelmed with love, anger, grief, need… more feelings than I could identify. "Oh, Edward…" I sobbed, my eyes pleading.
He was breathing heavily, his eyes dark.
"Bella…" he groaned.
He pulled me against him swiftly, and his mouth came down hard on mine. His kiss was like a drowning man gasping for air, and I returned it desperately. My tears wet both our faces as his mouth moved against mine hungrily. I put my arms around his neck, pulling myself up against him, and pressed my body against his, needing that contact. He gave a long sigh and moved his hands on me. Placing one between my shoulder blades, the other on the curve of my hip, he pulled me to him.
I couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't stop kissing him. I trailed kisses along his jaw and neck, and my hands traveling over him frantically. I pulled at the hem of his tee shirt and thrust my hands beneath it to touch his back, his chest. I couldn't stop, couldn't even think about slowing down. I was starving, desperate for the solid reality of him beneath my hands.
He didn't stop me. I felt a shudder run along his body as my hands explored his cold skin. He cupped my jaw in his hand and tilted my head, drawing my lips away from him. I began to protest, but the feel of his kiss against my throat made me forget the thought. It made me forget all thoughts, actually, except for one.
"I love you, Edward," I gasped as his lips moved against my neck roughly. It felt as though the whole world were shifting around us, righting itself. Inside me, I suddenly felt real, as though I had been nothing more than an actor in a play for the last six months. The possibility that the play was over was a hope so large, so impossibly wonderful, that I started to shake, terrified.
"Tell me this is real," I begged him suddenly, pulling back to look into his eyes. "Please, just tell me I'm not going to wake up from this."
The intensity in his eyes took on a touch of sadness at my words.
"Oh, Bella," he said, his voice full of tenderness. He took one of my hands, twining our fingers together between us. "This is real," he whispered, his eyes not leaving mine. He took my hand and laid it on his chest, over his heart, covering it with his own. "I am yours, only yours, always."
I felt something tear away inside me. It was as though I had been standing at the edge of a cliff, knowing the danger in the water below but still somehow wanting to jump. His words were the little push that made me let go, stepping off of it and plummeting into unknown depths. I clung to him and began to cry. I sobbed loudly into his chest, nearly hysterical, as an ocean of pain rushed around me.
"I was so scared, Edward," I said brokenly as I cried. "I was just… lost. There was nothing, anywhere for me. I couldn't feel… anything."
He stroked my hair and held me as I came apart.
"Every single day that you were gone… It was like I had to begin again, feel every single minute without you and think about how it should be happening, what you should be saying or doing right then. I couldn't stop it… couldn't stop imagining you there. I even heard your voice sometimes, actually heard it, and, oh god, I just wanted to keep hearing it. I would have done anything…"
It was so big. How had I forgotten how big this was, this love, this need for him?
"I heard you, too," he said softly. I looked up at him, surprised. "I couldn't think about anything but you, not even for a second. It was difficult to hunt; I would go weeks longer than I should have. Sometimes, when it had been a while… I could hear you. It hurt so much, but all I wanted was to hear you again, even if it was only in my mind."
My eyes grew wide. Could he have been suffering as much as I had?
"Edward," I said, shaking my head a little. "How could you do this to us? I nearly lost you. I could have lost you forever." Fear squeezed my heart as I remembered him, shimmering, as he stepped from the shadows in Volterra.
He hung his head, taking my hand and pressing it against his cheek. "I was so afraid, and wrong about so many things. I was sure that it was the only way to do the right thing by you. I wanted you to be safe, and I wanted you to have a full human life."
I cupped his face in my hand, lifting it to look at me. "Edward, there is only one right thing for me. If you take that away… If I can't have you, then none of the rest matters. What I need… Who I am… It's all in you, Edward. Can't you see that?"
He drew a ragged breath and dragged my face to his. He kissed me until I felt dizzy, unable to breath.
"I want you, Bella," he said as he broke from the kiss. He held my head in both of his hands, leaning forward so our foreheads touched. I clutched the fabric of his shirt in both of my hands, steadying myself as his breath on my face melted me. "I want you," he said again. "I want every part of you. I want every minute of every day with you." His voice was rough with emotion. "I want… forever with you, Bella."
My heart stopped.
"Forever?" I said, the words barely a whisper. "You mean, like, forever forever?" I couldn't believe the words I was hearing.
"Yes," he said, the word coming out as a broken sob. "God help me, Bella, I do mean that. I can't lose you again, not ever. I don't care what that makes me, not anymore. It's just… nothing, nothing is right without you. The whole world is wrong without you in it. I can't let that happen again. Not ever."
"Edward," I said, trying to steady my voice. I felt as though I were flying, and everything in me wanted to sing victoriously. I couldn't accept it, though, not until I heard the words themselves. "Say it," I demanded breathlessly. "Ask me."
He stilled and drew away from me. His face was a contortion of anguish, tenderness, and wonder. His eyes never left mine as he moved his hand and placed it over my racing heart.
"I need you, Bella," he said, something like surprise in his voice. "Will you let me… change you? Will you be mine, forever?"
As much as I had hoped for the words, I was still completely astonished to hear him say them. It was entirely surreal. I tried to focus on his face from the fog in which I was floating.
At first I couldn't speak. So I just nodded. I placed my hand over his silent heart, mirroring his touch, as tears flowed down my cheeks. I leaned forward, brushing his lips softly with mine.
"Yours," I promised with a sigh.
