Chapter 9
A/N: Long chapter.
It was evening as Jack wandered down the corridor and saw Janet coming out of the infirmary. She had changed clothes and was carrying her purse.
"Going home?"
"Yes. I need some restful sleep in my own bed. Dr. Warner is here though in case Sam or anyone else needs him."
"Night, Doc."
"Bye, sir."
Jack entered the infirmary and came around the curtain to find Sam sitting up so he sat down beside her on the bed.
"Just thought I'd see if there's anything you need."
"I . . ." Sam hesitated.
"What?"
"I could use a hug" she whispered shyly.
Jack grinned, moved closer to Sam and held out his arms. She put her arms around his waist, laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes as Jack wrapped his arms snugly around her. Neither said anything for a few moments.
"I know something that might make you feel better but I'm not sure it's the time or place to tell you."
Sam kept her head on Jack's chest and didn't move. "What is it?"
"I love you, Samantha. I have for a long time."
Sam leaned back and looked into Jack's eyes.
"I love you too."
"You need to rest. We'll talk later."
"Okay."
Jack stood up and squeezed her hand before letting go.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
She watched as he walked out the door.
********
Knowing there was nothing further that she could do for Sam, Janet had dismissed her to go home. Dr. Murphy had agreed to come there to talk with Sam.
Jack drove up in front of Sam's house and stopped. Jacob got out and helped Sam ease off the seat and onto the sidewalk. Jacob and Jack followed Sam as they walked up the steps to the house. Sam got her keys from her purse, unlocked the door and they went inside.
Sam laid her purse and keys on the hall table and headed to the sofa.
"Do you need food?" Jack asked.
Sam glanced back at him. "Probably. I don't think I have much on hand."
"I'll run to the store for you."
Sam sat down. "You want anything in particular, Dad?"
"I'd love some ice cream."
Jack nodded his head. "You got it."
"If you'll get my purse I'll give you some money, sir."
Jack held up his hand. "I'll get it, Sam, don't worry about it."
Jacob watched Jack go out the door, sat down by Sam and took her hands in his.
"Jack is good for you. He'll be here for you whenever you need him because he loves you."
Sam looked down at their hands as tears filled her eyes. "He told me he does, Dad, but how can he love me knowing what those men did to me?"
"Sam, you did nothing wrong. This was not your fault."
"But . . . I feel so dirty and violated. Why would Jack even want to touch me after . . ."
"Honey, I don't have the answers for what you're feeling. That's why you need to continue to talk with Dr. Murphy. She can help. You did not bring this on yourself, please believe that. Jack, George, Daniel, Teal'c, myself and everyone else at the base would like to return to that planet and get revenge on those men. No woman should be treated this way and I'm just so sorry that you were."
Sam let go of Jacob's hand and wiped her eyes. "I just feel like I'll never learn to live with what happened. Even though I know those men are back on the planet and can't harm me here, I fear I'll be afraid for the rest of my life. Afraid to be alone. Afraid of the dark. Afraid to go outside. Afraid to go through the gate. Afraid to trust anyone I don't know well. Afraid to be intimate with a man because I'll start reliving what happened to me. I'll have to live with this every day for the rest of my life, Dad. I don't know if I can handle it."
Jacob hugged Sam to him.
"Honey, time is what you need and remember that you have me and lots of friends who love you and will do whatever we can to help."
"I feel that people are judging me, thinking this was somehow my fault."
"No one is judging you, Sam. No one."
Sam sighed. "I'm tired. I think I'll go lie down."
They both stood.
"I'm glad you're here, Dad."
"Me too, honey."
Jacob watched Sam go into her bedroom and close the door.
********
Jack arrived back at Sam's house to see Jacob leaning against the porch post.
As Jack came to a stop and got out of his truck, Jacob went to meet him.
They picked up several bags of groceries and went back inside.
"Is Sam lying down?"
"Yes."
As they put away the groceries, Jack noticed that Jacob looked a little upset.
"You okay?"
Jacob motioned for Jack to follow him so they went outside and sat down on the steps.
"What happened?"
"Sam's afraid, Jack. She's afraid that she's never going to get over this. She doesn't understand how you could love her after . . ."
"I'll always love her, Jake."
"I tried to tell her that but she's irrationally blaming herself for what happened."
Jack stared at the park across the road. "Dr. Murphy said this would happen."
"I know. I told her she needs to talk more with Dr. Murphy, that she can help more than we can."
Suddenly hearing shouting from inside the house, Jack and Jacob stood quickly and ran inside. Jack threw open the door to Sam's bedroom to see her lying on the bed and flailing her arms. Her eyes were closed.
"Stop! Get away from me!"
Jack sat down on the side of the bed and started to grab her wrists but decided it was best not to touch her.
"Sam" he said gently. "Sam, it's Jack. I'm here. You're safe. You're okay."
Sam opened her eyes.
"Nobody's going to hurt you. I promise."
Sam set up and put her hands over her face. Jack put one arm around her shoulder and ran his other hand up and down her back to comfort her.
Jacob watched for a few moments before he closed the door and left them alone.
Sam pulled away from Jack and looked into his eyes. "I want my life back."
"I know you do, Sam."
"I can't sleep. I have nightmares. I'm hurt and angry and nervous all the time. I can't close my eyes without seeing those men. I tried to fight back but they tied me down and I couldn't move. I was so scared. I wanted to get loose. I wanted to get away. I just wanted to come home. I was about to give up hope. I thought I was going to die there."
Not knowing what to say, Jack hugged her to him.
********
Sam and Cassie sat on Sam's deck, chess board on the table between them.
Cassie was thinking about her next move when she looked up to see Sam staring into space.
"Sam, you okay?"
"I just can't concentrate very well."
"Let's quit then. We can play another time."
Cassie set the game aside.
"Why don't we take a walk?" Cassie suggested.
"Okay. I could use a little exercise."
Cassie grabbed Sam's keys as they went out the front way and Cassie locked the door.
Cassie slipped her hand into Sam's as they started down the sidewalk.
After walking in silence for a few minutes, Cassie glanced at Sam.
"Why do you think those men did that to you?"
Sam shook her head. "I've asked myself that question a thousand times. I guess I'll never know."
They sat down on a bench.
"I got so upset when Mom told me what happened, Sam. I just want you to know that if you want some company, or however else I can help, I'm here for you."
Sam patted Cassie's knee.
"Thanks."
"I don't want you to go through the gate any more. Please don't. I don't want this to happen again."
Sam sighed. "I'm not sure what I'll do just yet. I have to get better before I make any big decisions."
Suddenly feeling anxious, Sam suggested they go back to the house.
They came inside, Sam sat down on the sofa and Cassie went into the kitchen to get two glasses of lemonade.
They were chatting about what was going on in Cassie's life when the front door opened and Jack walked in.
Cassie stood up and gave Jack a hug.
"How you doing, Cass?" Jack asked.
"I'm okay."
Cassie looked at her watch. "I better be going. I have homework to do and Mom will start to worry if I'm out after dark."
Sam stood up and gave Cassie a hug. "It's good to see you."
"You too, Sam. I'll come back soon."
Sam smiled. "Please do."
"Oh, Jack, while I'm here, could I get you to look at one of the tires on my car? I think it needs some air but I'm not sure."
"Sure. Be glad to check it."
Cassie waved goodbye to Sam, she and Jack went out the door and walked to her car.
Cassie glanced back at the house. "I didn't really need you to check my tire, Jack. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute."
"About Sam?"
"Yeah. Will she really be okay? I'm worried about her."
Jack put his arm around Cassie's shoulder. "We all are, honey."
Tears filled Cassie's eyes. "It just makes me so mad, Jack. Sam would never hurt anyone intentionally. She's one of the kindest people I know. Why would those men do this to her?"
Jack shook his head. "I can't answer that question. We just have to help Sam through this, be there for her when she needs us. That's all we can do."
Cassie wiped her eyes. "I'll be glad to stay with her if you need me to."
"I'll keep that in mind."
Jack gave Cassie a hug and watched as she drove away.
Jack went back into the house to see Sam sitting in the swing on the deck. He sat down beside her.
"How was your day?"
Sam didn't respond.
Jack frowned and put his arm on the back of the swing as he looked at her. "Sam, talk to me."
Tears came to Sam's eyes. "I keep thinking I'll wake up from this nightmare and I'll be back at the SGC. Back to a job that I loved. Back in my lab. Back to where I don't have to have someone with me all the time because I'm afraid to be alone. Back to where I'm not afraid to close my eyes because I know I'll just wake up screaming."
Sam wiped her eyes.
"I keep telling myself tomorrow will be better but I'm not sure it will be. I feel like I'm suffocating sometimes. It's all I can do just to breathe in and breathe out and wait for the minutes to turn to hours and the hours to turn into days and the days to pass into weeks so I can start to feel normal again."
Sam paused as she looked into the yard. "I really don't . . ."
Sam paused and shook her head.
"You really don't what, Sam?"
"I don't really think it's fair to you to spend God knows how many weeks or months or years waiting for me to get better. I think you'd be better off without me."
Jack gently put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. He put his finger under her chin so she had to look into his eyes.
"I want to make this perfectly clear to you, Samantha, and if I have to keep repeating it, then so be it. I love you. You got that? I loved you before this happened. I love you now. I will love you six months, a year, five years from now or however long it takes until you believe me. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not letting you give up on yourself. I know you don't think so right now because you want to hurry things up, but you will get better."
Sam sniffed. "I don't deserve you."
Jack rolled his eyes, trying to make her laugh. "Oh for cryin' out loud. Will you stop it already? I'm not much of a catch. I'm a worn out old man with bad knees, gray hair and a short temper."
Sam chuckled as she wiped her cheeks. "A very handsome and sweet man with bad knees, gray hair and a short temper. You really are good for me, Jack. Thanks for making me smile."
Jack grinned as he put his arm around her and she laid her head on his shoulder. "Any time, Sam. Any time."
********
Jacob sat on the front steps as a car pulled up in front of the house and stopped. He watched as Dr. Murphy got out and came up the walk.
Dr. Murphy smiled. "Hello."
Jacob stood up. "Hi. Come on in."
She followed him into the house to see Sam sitting on the sofa with her legs stretched out, looking at a magazine.
"Hey, Sam."
"Hi."
Jacob put his hand on Sam's shoulder. "I'm going to take a walk so you two can have some privacy."
"Okay, Dad."
Jacob went out the door as Dr. Murphy sat down across from Sam and looked into her eyes.
"So, how are you?"
Sam shrugged and started to play with a button on her sweater. "I don't have much of an appetite. I'm scared to be by myself and I'm having nightmares."
"All of that is normal, Sam. As I'm sure you've heard it repeated so many times and I'm sure you're getting tired of hearing it, it's just going to take time."
Dr. Murphy saw a look of anger come to Sam's face.
Sam picked up a throw pillow, put her arms around it and hugged it to her chest. "I don't want it to take time. I want to feel better now."
"I know you do, but unfortunately that isn't the way it works."
Dr. Murphy reached into her bag for her pen and notepad. "Let's start where we left off last time."
Sam frowned. "I don't remember where we stopped."
Dr. Murphy flipped back through her notes. "Leo and Ben had taken you to a barn and tied your hands."
"Leo also tied a rag around my mouth so I couldn't scream for help. They left me there that night."
Dr. Murphy watched Sam as she stared across the room, remembering what happened next.
Sam gripped the edge of the pillow. "Ben came in the next morning, untied the rag from my mouth and gave me a cup of water. I tried to plead with him to let me go but he said he couldn't, that Leo would kill him if he did."
"So, you think Ben was having regrets about kidnapping you?"
"I don't know. He tied the rag back over my mouth and left. I was hungry, cold and exhausted. I tried to rub the rope against the pole to try and break it but it only made my wrists bleed. I fell into a fitful sleep. Sometime later, I heard the door open and Leo came running in. He knelt down in front of me and whispered to me not to make a sound. From the look in his eyes, I knew he would kill me if I did. I wasn't sure what was going on until I heard voices. I recognized the voice of Colonel Reynolds so I knew they were looking for me."
"Who is Colonel Reynolds?"
"He's the leader of one of the other teams. I heard the front door of the barn open and Colonel Reynolds telling his team to look around. Leo put his hand over the rag in my mouth with one hand and held my ankles together with the other. I couldn't scream and couldn't move my arms or legs. I couldn't do anything to let Colonel Reynolds know I was there."
Sam swallowed the lump in her throat.
"I started to cry but because Leo's hand was over my mouth, I could hardly breathe. I heard the door to the small room open as if someone was looking around. In a moment the door closed and the voices faded away. I wanted to scream so badly to let Colonel Reynolds know I was there but I couldn't. Leo waited until he knew they were gone, then took his hand away from my mouth. He stood up and looked at me but didn't say anything, before he walked away. They left me there that night. The next morning Leo and Ben came in and Ben untied my hands from the post and took the rag out of my mouth. Leo told me to stand up. We left the barn and Leo pushed me ahead of him and we went behind some buildings to the last little house at the edge of the village. When we went inside I asked if I could have something to eat. Leo shoved me and I fell backwards and hit my head on the edge of the doorframe that led into a kitchen. I almost blacked out I hit my head so hard. Leo grabbed my upper arm and pulled me across the floor and tied my hands behind me to the leg of a bed and tied the rag around my mouth again."
Sam stopped for a moment and Dr. Murphy noticed Sam's hands start to tremble.
"Leo kicked me in my side and I felt my ribs break."
Sam began to cry. Dr. Murphy put down her pen and pad on the floor and hurried to the kitchen. Opening the cabinet door, she found a glass, filled it with water and brought it back to Sam.
"Drink this."
Sam took the glass and drank the water in big gulps.
Dr. Murphy went into Sam's bathroom, found a box of tissues, came back and handed her the box. She sat down beside Sam as she pulled two tissues from the box and wiped her eyes.
"Do you want to stop or do you want to continue?"
"I want to finish telling you what happened."
Dr. Murphy picked up her pen and pad and waited for Sam to talk.
Sam took a deep breath. "After Leo kicked me, he started to kick me again, but Ben saw what he was about to do and pulled him away from me. They started to argue. Ben looked down at me, then back at Leo and told him to leave me alone, that they'd hurt me enough already. He then told Leo that they should let me go. Leo glared at Ben, then at me and said "we're not letting her go!" Ben stalked out and Leo stared at me. I stared right back. Leo walked out. I remember feeling so exhausted. My lip and my cheek were sore from where Leo had slapped me and from having the rag in my mouth for so long. I tried not to breathe too deeply because every time I took a breath, it made my ribs hurt. I don't remember much about the rest of that day. The next morning when the sun was coming up, Ben came in and took the rag off and gave me a cup of water. He untied me and tried to help me stand but I screamed, I was in so much pain. After that, I vaguely remember gun shots and someone talking to me. It was Major Bentley. They had finally found me and the next thing I remember was waking up in the infirmary."
"Was there something that kept you going, something that made you not give up hope of being found, Sam?"
Sam looked down at the tissues in her hands and slowly nodded her head.
"Jack" she whispered.
Dr. Murphy's eyes grew wide. "Colonel O'Neill?"
Sam nodded her head again.
"Are you in love with him?"
Sam looked into the Doctor's eyes. "Yes."
"And he loves you too?"
"Yes."
"So, because of what happened, you have admitted your feelings for each other?"
Sam sighed. "Yes."
Dr. Murphy put down her pen and pad, sat up and put her elbows on her knees and clasped her hands as she talked.
"Sam, I know you don't think so right now, but after telling me what happened, you will slowly begin to feel better. I know you want to rush things along to have the life you had before this happened, but believe me, you will never be the same again. In time, you will come to accept what happened, but it will probably be months before you really feel you're getting your life back. One thing you have going for you is your Dad and Jack and a network of friends that will do everything possible to support you. You have a lot of people who care. Please, Sam, lean on them when you need them. You don't have to tell them all the details you told me, unless you want to, but if you're having a bad day then have a bad day. Don't try to be brave and downplay how you're feeling, that just makes things worse and will only prolong your recovery. Be yourself with your friends, they'll understand. If you don't want to be alone then let your Dad, Jack, Janet or someone know. They'll be glad to stay with you. It doesn't mean you're weak, it just shows that you need their support. There's nothing wrong with feeling vulnerable. If you want to talk about what happened, Janet is a good listener and will keep your conversations confidential."
Dr. Murphy paused as she thought about what she wanted to say next.
"I was a lot like you, Sam, before I was raped. I was very independent, always took care of myself, thinking I didn't need anyone to lean on. After the rape, I realized how much I need people and thankfully I had a family and friends to rely on, and still do. I also went through therapy for almost a year and it helped a great deal. If you would like, you can continue your therapy with me when I open my new office. I have decided to leave Washington, move here and start my own practice."
"Cassie mentioned that you were staying at Janet's house."
"Yes. I've known Janet for quite awhile so when she asked me to come, I was told about the stargate and the President and General Hammond gave me clearance. I'd been thinking about leaving Washington and starting my own practice about the time Janet called and asked me to come see you. I've been to Colorado a few times before and I really like Colorado Springs so while I've been here, I met with a real estate agent and found an office and an apartment to rent. I talked with the administration office at Walter Reed, told them my plans and e-mailed them my resignation. I'll be returning to Washington this weekend to meet with a realtor there to put my condo on the market. I should be back here in about three weeks."
"How will I continue my therapy until you return?"
"On the phone. For now, I think we need to be in contact about twice a week. Why don't we set a schedule? I'll call you on Tuesdays and Fridays at 10 a.m. Would that be okay?"
Sam nodded her head.
"If you need to talk any other time, just call me, Sam, day or night. Don't think you'll be bothering me because you won't. I'll be just a phone call away."
The two women exchanged cell phone numbers.
Sam twisted the tissue in her hands. "I'm curious. Why did you become a psychologist?"
"From a very young age, I knew I wanted to be a doctor but wasn't exactly sure what area I wanted to specialize in. I was considering pediatrics or cardiology. I was in college when I was raped. After it happened, I decided to earn my doctorate in psychology because I wanted to help other women. I think it really makes a difference that I can sympathize with my patients since I've been through it myself. In the last few years, I've been working with post traumatic stress disorder patients at Walter Reed."
Dr. Murphy paused for a moment. "Is there anything you want to discuss? Feel free to ask me anything."
Sam looked down at her hands. "I . . . I'm fearful about being in an intimate relationship with Jack, after what happened. I mean, we can't right now anyway because of military regulations."
"Total trust will take time, Sam, but you trusted Jack before this happened, didn't you?"
"More than anyone."
"Then you already have that established trust as friends and colleagues. Since you just recently admitted your feelings for each other, spend this time getting to know each other as Jack and Sam. If Jack really loves you, he'll be willing to wait until you're really ready for that part of your relationship. Don't let any man push you or rush you into something you're not ready for, no matter how long it takes."
Sam nodded her head. "Okay."
Sam followed Dr. Murphy to the door and Sam watched as she drove away.
TBC
