A/N: This chapter was extremely difficult to write. Many of these experiences are my own, and it's been anything but therapeutic. I have not enjoyed writing this chapter, with the exception of the ending. It needed to be unapologetically honest, though, and I don't regret it.


Her heart was pounding in her ears, the muscles in her legs were on fire, and her chest burned with every breath she took. Still, she forced her feet to move. Up and down the stairs, back and forth, her hand touching the wall with each lap. It had to touch, or it didn't count. One hundred laps later, she allowed herself to stop, and checked her watch. She still had at least thirty minutes until Matt returned from shopping, and she slowly made her way back to their flat.

As soon as she entered the kitchen, Alex knew that it was a mistake. There was so much food. So many things that she desperately wanted, but could never have. She opened the freezer and immediately fixated on the container of mint chip ice cream. Ice cream on its own was bad enough, but mint chip was one of her favourites. She pulled the container from the freezer and made her way into the bathroom. If she couldn't eat it, she had to dispose of it.

The smell of mint assaulted her, and she wanted nothing more than to taste it. To feel the creaminess running down her throat, so rich, so sweet...so deadly. She shook her head to clear it and leaned over the toilet bowl, preparing to dump the contents of the container into it. Halfway to their destination, Alex brought her hands to her face for one last smell and before she could comprehend what she was doing, she had pressed her hands into her skin, smearing the ice cream until she was reading completely covered. She slipped out of her clothing, spreading the sticky mess over her entire body.

Just as she was about to toss the carton, Alex caught sight of her reflection in the mirror. Wide-eyed, she began shaking as the full realisation of what she'd done sank in. She turned on the shower and stepped in, moving to sit down as soon as the water was to her liking. She watched the steam rise, but it still wasn't enough. Reaching up to turn the temperature, she was shocked to discover that it couldn't be moved any more.

She blinked through tears of shame and watched as the remnants of the ice cream swirled down the drain. She scrubbed her body furiously, desperate to remove all traces of the offending substance. What if the calories had seeped into her skin? Was that possible? It had to be. How could she have been so stupid?

The door slammed shut, signaling Matt's arrival and she stood quickly, doing her best to ignore the black spots in front of her eyes. The water stopped and she stepped out, wrapping a towel around her shivering body. As she dressed, she could hear Matt moving around in the kitchen and realised with horror that he would surely notice the missing ice cream in the freezer.

"Alex?"

She jumped, so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn't noticed him enter the room.

"Sorry, darling. Kind of spaced out there."

He leaned in to kiss her gently, and when he pulled back, he was smiling hugely.

"You smell like mint chip ice cream, Alex. It's wonderful."

"Wouldn't it be nice if I smelled like this all the time?"

"It would, but do you taste as good as you smell?"

He leaned down to bite down lightly on her throat and she laughed when she felt his tongue dance over her skin. He pulled away to kiss her properly and was surprised when she gave him only the slightest kiss.

"What's wrong, love?"

She shrugged.

"Nothing, sweetie. I'm just tired."

Matt nodded and placed a light kiss on the top of her head.

"Why don't you try sleeping?"

Alex shrugged again and pulled away gently. Matt watched her carefully as she backed away, knowing that something was bothering her. He didn't want to pry, and as soon as she was out of earshot, he pulled out his phone.

"Hello?"

"Kaz, I need your advice."


As Matt explained their situation, Alex was lying back on the floor of their bedroom, feet under the bed frame, using the weight to do as many sit-ups and crunches as she could. She could feel the muscles in her stomach twitching, but she forced herself to keep going. She couldn't stop until she reached at least one hundred.

Finally, she was finished, and she made her way into the kitchen. Matt was waiting for her with a plate, and her eyes widened until she registered what was resting on the porcelain. An small apple, four strawberries and a small dollop of whipped cream. She smiled at him and spooned a small bit of whipped cream onto her fingertip. Just as she was about to place her finger in her mouth, she changed direction and placed it on Matt's nose.

He smiled and she picked up a strawberry, placing it slowly in her mouth. She bit down and it exploded over her tongue. It took great effort to swallow the small bite and she fought the wave of panic rising in her. What had happened? Fruit was safe. It was supposed to be safe. What was she supposed to do now? Matt was watching her carefully, knowing that she was struggling but not knowing how to help.

"I'm going to lie down," Alex murmured after a minute.

She picked up the apple and Matt sighed in relief. At least she'd taken something with her. If he had seen her toss the apple into the bin as she rounded the corner, he may have been more concerned. As it was, the events of the next twenty-four hours came as a complete shock.


Don't accuse her. Stay calm.

Those had been Karen's words. Words that Matt was now trying to put into practice. He knew that she was more likely to be tired, but this seemed to be more. As though she were actively avoiding him. When he entered the room however, he found her on the phone, talking excitedly to someone. He waited for her to end the conversation before approaching and she turned to him, smiling.

"Moffat wants me to be in the studio tomorrow to rehearse. Things are finally getting back to normal. Isn't it wonderful?"

Matt nodded, but his emotions must have shown on his face because she frowned seconds later.

"What's wrong, sweetie?"

"Nothing. You've just seemed kind of...not here lately."

She nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry, darling. Things have just been so exhausting."

He pulled her into his arms, kissing her gently.

"I love you, Alex. Don't ever forget that."

"I know, sweetie."

When she pulled him closer for a kiss, he made no move to stop her. Her movements were frantic, her shaking fingers trying desperately to undo the buttons on his shirt. She pulled her own shirt over her head and he cupped her breasts gently before unhooking the clasp on her bra. He kissed her throat, eliciting a soft sigh and when his lips closed around her breast, she moaned. She threaded her fingers in his hair, her grip tightening each time he bit down and Matt could feel her body shaking.

Alex fought to stay upright as Matt moved his hand past the waistband of her joggers, slipping underneath the wisp of satin. Her body jerked when he touched her, and as he moved his fingers, she began to grind her hips against him. He never once entered her, and already she could feel it: that intense buildup of pleasure that would leave her shaking relentlessly.

"Matt, wait."

He paused only briefly and kissed her throat once more.

"This is insane. I'm not even entirely undressed."

"I know," he smirked, "and I fully intend on making you scream my name without it."

His lips were touching her ear, his voice low and undeniably sexy, and it caused her to shudder.

"Matt-"

He captured her breast again, causing his name to become a loud moan. He continued to touch her, pushing back just as much when he felt her hips grind into his hand. Her breath was faster now, and her head fell back against the wall. His mouth found hers and when she moaned into his kiss, he moved faster. He placed his lips near her ear, almost touching, his breath warm.

"Come on, love."

She cried out as he bit down on her throat, her pulse racing. It was pointless to resist and moments later, she screamed his name, her entire body rocking in his arms. Still he touched her, bringing her down slowly, his name a whisper on her lips.

"How...did..you..do..that?" Alex asked breathlessly.

Matt feigned ignorance.

"What do you mean?"

"You...you never even..." her voice trailed off.

"I know."

The smirk in his voice was evident. If she had possessed the strength, she would have smacked him. He kissed the top of her head and lowered her to the floor. She searched for her discarded clothing and made her way to the bathroom. Closing the door, she began a desperate search for the blade that she knew was hidden in the makeup bag she kept under the sink. Her fingers closed around it and when she drug it across her stomach, instant relief washed over her.

How could she have done that? She'd let Matt see her body and done nothing to hide the disgusting layers of fat. She covered her body with a loose fitting sweatshirt, trying out multiple variations of her best smile in the mirror. When she was mostly satisfied, she opened the door.

"Are you okay, love?"

Alex nodded. She padded over to the bed and fell not-so-gracefully on the bed, smiling when Matt began to play with her hair. Just as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard Matt's voice whispering softly.

"I love you so much. I just hope that's enough."


It was midnight. Alex was in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, drunk out of her mind. She didn't drink often, but when she did, it was truly a sight to see. She was holding her left arm out in front of her, carving patterns into her skin. Karen and Arthur had come over for a party celebrating her return to Doctor Who, and they'd all had quite a bit to drink. They had all slept in the living room, and now Alex was the only one left awake.

She didn't know what made her decide to lock herself in the bathroom, but there was no going back now. She took another drink and resumed cutting. The patterns she was making were quite creative, if she did say so herself. A snake and a rose. Beauty and pain. She was completely focused on the task at hand, her eyes watching as though entranced.

She split the artery.

Wait. This wasn't supposed to happen. She hadn't meant for this to go this far. Her blood was pooling around her, thick and dark. She couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't think. Finally, the scent of blood came to her, snapping her back into focus. She pulled herself up enough to unlock the door and collapsed back against the sink. The blood wrapped around her arm like a crimson ribbon and she forced herself to move.

Alex crawled across the floor, her body too weak to support her. Her left arm was held out in front of her, and several agonisingly slow minutes later, she was in front of Karen's sleeping form.

"Karen."

Her voice was raspy, barely above a whisper. She tried to shake Karen awake, but it was proving difficult with only one arm.

"Karen. Wake up. Please."

Finally, the redhead's eyes opened, her blurred vision barely registering what was in front of her.

"Alex?"

"Get...Matt," Alex whispered, her eyes swimming, "Please."

At last, Karen's eyes adjusted enough to see the blood pouring from Alex's arm, and she screamed, bolting up from the couch.

"Matt! Matt, get up!"

Arthur, woken by Karen's screams, took one look at Alex and began dialling for an ambulance.

"Matt!"

When Matt entered the room, hair disheveled and rubbing his eyes, he swore loudly when he saw Alex on the floor. He turned to Karen, shouting instructions in his panic.

"Stay with her. Make sure she stays conscious. I'll be right back."

"Alex, stay with me. Just hold on."

Alex's eyes locked on her, wondering at the way the light set her hair ablaze. It fell down over her shoulders, reaching out like embers to envelop her in fiery warmth.

"Alex?"

Matt. She'd never meant to hurt him. He took her arm and elevated it over her head. Alex screamed when he applied pressure and tightly wrapped it in a towel. She watched in fascination as the towel became stained deep red with her blood. He held her arm up and kissed her forehead gently.

"Don't worry, love. You're going to be okay. Just hang on."

"Matt..."

"Shh...hush."

"I never meant to hurt..."

Alex was fading in and out now, her eyes glazing over in shock. Matt shook her as gently as possible.

"Alex. Don't fall asleep. You have to stay awake."

Everything in her body was singing in pain. It rose and fell in great crescendos, never really in complete harmony. She looked up, her eyes catching Karen's hair again, flaming sunbeams engulfing her and she almost smiled. Arthur knelt beside Matt, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"The paramedics are on the way."

Time lurched, leaving Alex wildly disoriented and she tried desperately to speak. She glanced at Arthur, pleading with him.

"Don't...hate...me."

He shook his head, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"Never."

I didn't mean this, Alex thought, panicked. I was just testing the limit. Please don't hate me, Matt. I love you, I'm so sorry. You can beg me to stay as much as you want, but it's too late. I lost the game. I played the cards, threw my hand and I lost.

Matt jumped when the paramedics threw open the door and pulled him away. One of them lifted Alex onto a stretcher and shook his head.

"What a waste."

I am not a waste. I promise. I was only kidding.

She tried to form the words, tried to explain that she had never meant for it to go this far. Her body shook as they hurriedly moved her out into the hallway, and the paramedics exchanged glances.

"She's going into shock."

Vaguely, she could hear Matt, Arthur and Karen running to keep up and closed her eyes. As long as they were there, everything would be okay.


Matt paced the waiting room anxiously. Why was it taking so long? Karen and Arthur were sitting nearby, and every time he passed, they attempted to calm him.

"Matt, please. They're doing everything they can."

His head whipped around as they heard Alex scream and Arthur grabbed his shoulder.

"Stay here. You'd only make things worse if you went back there."

"Do you know how far away the operating room is from here? I've never heard anyone scream so loudly."

"There's nothing you can do, mate."

Matt sighed, collapsing in the chair. He placed his head in his hands and tried to fight the tears that were burning at his eyes.


The scream ripped from her throat as they stuck the needle in her arm, and Alex tried to pull away. She could see the flesh of her arm and it occurred to her that she was, quite literally, a piece of meat. They were stitching up nothing more than a steak. Dimly, she wondered what it would taste like. As they began the second row of stitches, she screamed again.

"Hold her still."

She wanted to tell them that this wasn't necessary, that it wasn't really as bad as it looked. But her vocal chords refused to cooperate. Another sting of the needle found her falling toward the black abyss that had until now only been lingering just outside her vision.

When she woke hours later, she found herself being watched by a young woman with a very kind face. She looked to be no older than twenty, but she knew that couldn't possibly be correct.

"Ms. Kingston, do you know where you are?"

"Hospital," she whispered hoarsely.

"Would you like to tell me what happened?"

"The knife slipped."

"Slipped?"

"Slipped," she repeated firmly.

The young woman let it go. Alex wondered where Matt was, or if he'd even bothered to come to the hospital at all. She couldn't blame him if he hadn't. He didn't deserve this. More to the point, she didn't deserve him. He'd done so much for her, and this was how she'd repaid him. Worthless.

"Can you contract for safety, Ms. Kingston?"

"Yes. I won't be any threat to myself or anyone else. After all, it's not like I could do much damage. This hurts too much."

The woman didn't smile. She nodded once, and handed Alex a clipboard.

"Take care of yourself. You have so many people who care about you."


"Matt."

Arthur's voice snapped him out of his reverie, and he glanced up. Karen pointed over his shoulder and when he turned, his world was suddenly brighter.

"Alex?"

She nodded weakly and he immediately rushed to her side. He helped her to a chair and brushed her hair from her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Karen asked.

"I'm fine. Can we please go home?"

Matt nodded, helping her to stand. Arthur took her arm and lead her in the direction of the door, his lips close to her ear.

"Don't ever scare us like that again. We were terrified."

Alex felt tears spilling down her face and she wiped them away furiously.

"I'm so sorry, Arthur. I didn't mean to let this happen."

He wrapped his arms around her in a fierce but gentle hug.

"I love you, Karen loves you, and Matt loves you more than anything in the world. We can't lose you."

They had reached Matt's car now, and Karen held her heavily bandaged arm carefully as she climbed into the seat. Her eyes slipped closed and she only opened them when Karen gently shook her awake twenty minutes later. After hugging them both goodbye, Matt swept her into his arms, cradling her body against his as they made their way up the stairs.

He pressed his lips to the top of her head and when she raised her eyes to his, she was horrified to see they were bright with tears.

"Please don't ever do that again, Alex."

"Matt, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. But..."

"But?" he prodded.

"I completely understand if you want to leave. I know I'm a mess you don't want to clean up. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. It doesn't make it better, but-"

"No, Alex. I could never leave you. I don't want to leave you. I love you so much that I would do anything for you. You were the one who made things different. You were the one thing I could count on. Don't fade on me."

She paused, struggling to think through the haze of her mind.

"Matt, did you just quote a Tom Petty song?"

Matt shrugged, placing her down in the hallway of his flat.

"He has a way with words."

She laughed gently and he smiled.

"I've missed hearing you laugh. It's beautiful. You're beautiful."

He kissed her as hard as he dared, and when he pulled away, she was smiling again. He picked her up again and began walking to the bedroom. Just before sleep claimed her, she thought of the bloodstained bathroom floor and decided that it could be left until the morning. There was no way she could do it tonight. Matt's arms tightened around her waist and he buried his face in her hair.

"I love you so much, Alex. I can't wait for you to be my wife."

She tried to answer, wanted to tell him just how much she loved him, but sleep washed over her. For the first time in months, she slept without dreaming.


A/N: There you have it, folks. I do apologise for the length. Reviews are love.