Fifteen Weeks to Famous – Chapter 9

[Step 13: Don't Live in Your Head]

Have you ever met a guy who you then proceeded to fantasize about in great detail when you were alone? Even not alone, maybe you did it as they slept right next to you in bed. You begin by getting to know them as their best self; we're all our best self at the beginning. This model citizen is who you base all of your hopes and dreams for the relationship on and it's very hard to not do this when they're blowing away all your expectations. This lasts for a while, but once that honeymoon phase ends (anywhere between to three to six months into the relationship), the expectations that you couldn't help but place on your partner suddenly begin to falter. Those rose coloured glasses that you've been sporting around become clear and the perfect individual that you've dreamt up becomes just that, a dream. The key information I'm trying to encourage is to not set up expectations for someone. It's so hard not to do this, but it was something I had to learn the hard way.

Darien had become such an individual for me. Unlike when I was with Andrew, he was attentive, he was communicative and was proud to show me off as his girlfriend. My status in our small town also seemed to get a booster from the new found relationship. I saw my following on Facebook grow, more people were adding me and the likes increased from being in the low one-hundreds t nearly one thousand. My friends were equally pleased as I finally found someone that was ready for a relationship. That passed weekend after the Witches 5 concert, I had gone back to his house that night and the following three nights after that.

There weren't any labels on us yet, I wasn't his girlfriend and he wasn't quite my boyfriend, but we had broken the rules for simply "hanging out." If you're not familiar with the stages of being with someone, "hanging out" generally means you see each other in the wee small hours of the weekend morning, i.e after the clubs all close for the night. God forbid that you meet up on a Sunday or on a weekday. If you do invite each other out on weekday or to a group event, there's a polite decline sent so as to not ruin the good thing the individual has going on for their weekend evenings.

That Friday morning, I had awoken to a slew of texts from Naru, whom I hadn't heard from in over a week due to her end of the term project coming due. I'd give a lecture about time management, but it would be hypocritical.

Naru to Serena: Saw Darien last night, Facebook suggests you're dating? Look at me being a bad friend and not making time to catch up on the gossip.

I read her text message slowly feeling that pit form in the bottom of my stomach. Things had been going very well with Darien. It was one of those feelings of intuition that something was off about her text.

Serena to Naru: Oh yeah, where abouts? How's your project going by the way?

Adding the project point to make her feel like I'm not freaking out, but let's be real, my stomach had tied itself into girl scout knots three times over. The little chat bubbles of imessage appeared and I watched with intent. I closed her chat and flipped to Darien's chatbox.

Serena to Darien: Hey, what did you get up to yesterday? I was stuck in the library until midnight finishing off my research.

I had typed out and sent the message faster than a mouse gets caught in a mousetrap. No chat bubbles appeared. The anxiety of waiting for someone to finish typing and for chat bubbles is one of the worst developments that technology has ever created. Text message replies take time and build the most uncomfortable tension. Your brain is also quite useless here as it likes to give you incorrect ideas as a defense mechanism. Your fight or flight kicks in over nothing but a hint that your insecurity is laying into your current happiness.

The chat bubbles in Naru's conversation stopped followed directly by a long message appearing in the box with a breakdown of her night last night (of course the question about her project was completely disregarded).

Naru to Serena: I went out to The Crown last night with some of my classmates around seven. We were there for about an hour before Darien and Seiya showed up with two girls. One had bright green hair and the other's hair was a dark shade of green. They were drinking quite a bit, but maybe you already know, I didn't text you then because I figured you were on your way. Then I watched the green hair girl sneak up behind him and circle her arms around his neck and take a photo, followed by one where she's kissing him on the cheek. He didn't push her away Serena, I'm not telling you what to do, but that's not good boyfriend behaviour.

I re-read the message six times before it sunk in. The familiar knots turned to full on raging sea of nausea in my stomach. I could feel the tsunami of bile rising inside me as I slowly got to my feet and made my way to the bathroom. I watched as my lunch re-emerged itself in the form of liquid. I then gargled the mouthwash beside the sink and sat on the floor next to the toilet. When you throw up from too much alcohol, you're so drunk it feels like a relief. When you throw up from anxiety, you feel hollow and unsatisfied. The nausea doesn't subside and the feeling of panic still remains. I opened Darien's chat, but no typing bubbles appeared and what was worse, there was no read receipt, only sent.

I grabbed my laptop and flipped open my Facebook page and quickly maneuvered though the links to Darien's page. There was nothing, nothing tagged or uploaded and definitely not any new messages on my wall from him. He'd ceased to pee on my wall this week. I heard my cellphone vibrating on the bed next to me, but decided to not look. The last thing I needed was further drama to add onto my plate. I moved my mouse to the search box and typed in Emerald. Her page was public (clearly she wanted to be seen as this was fame 101 for beginners). Bingo, she had posted photos from last night. I went through them carefully, the first was of her and a group of her friends at our university pub. The second photo was of her dancing in one of the clubs downtown and the final fatal photo was of her, Seiya and the girl I didn't know. My stomach sank, it wasn't the photo Naru described, which means either it's hidden from me, or she was told not to. How was this not playing games?

I picked up my phone again, to see that Naru, Seiya and Darien had all sent me messages:

Naru to Serena: Serena, I am getting concerned that I've upset you, but it's better I tell you than not right?

Seiya to Serena: You and your friends going out tonight? Darien and I will be at The Crown later.

Darien to Serena: Hey, midnight is quite late! I had some drinks with Seiya at The Crown. Slow night, not a lot of people showed up. You going out tonight?

I looked at the three messages and began to weigh my reply options. The anxiety had not subsided, but I was caught off guard so of course I hadn't considered going out. Going out to drink would likely cause me to throw up, so I could ask the girls to go out, but would that really be the best option at this stage? So, the next best thing, feign like I knew and let it go.

Serena to Naru: Thank you for telling me! Sorry I didn't reply right away, I was busy cooking food (the pot boiled over!). Yes, the girl he was with is named Emerald. The other girl is her friend, but I've never met her. All good, I wasn't able to make it because I was doing research late last night!

Serena to Seiya: Yep! Just texted Ami to confirm, but we'll be out and about. By the way, do you remember those two girls you introduced me to at the uni pub? The girl they mentioned, Naru, she saw you guys out last night! I wish you could have met, she's quite pretty!

I laid the seed of worry into Seiya. The trick here is, if you directly tell the guy he panics, but this way he knows I know and he'll tell me the whole truth. After all, maybe Darien didn't lie? Maybe he did run into Emerald and those girls by chance. Seiya had read the message, but no chat bubbles. This suggests that he's now strategizing with Darien on what he wants him to say. I could feel the anxiety starting to abide a bit now that I was becoming more in control of the situation. I scrolled open to Darien's chatbox to see bubble forming as he began his damage control. Naru texted me again:

Naru to Serena: What a relief! I was worried when I saw them all walk in together and that he was sneaking around on you. Lunch sometime next week? My project is finally over!

Oh Naru, you weren't wrong, he tried to hide the truth. I won't let others see me lose face here though. I quickly replied to Naru and made lunch plans for next week. Darien's typing bubbles had disappeared and Seiya hadn't sent anything further now that he accidentally walked into a trap. I felt a little bad for the innocent party. If this is what Darien meant by not playing games, then why is his name still up on the player 1 board?

That evening we all gathered at Melvin's house where I saw Greg sitting on the floor with a clearly love struck Ami closely beside him as they watched him play games. Melvin came over and gave me a big hug.

"If it helps Serena, I think Darien is a wimp," said Melvin. Clearly Ami had filled him in already. I heard a car pull up in the driveway and saw Rei and Mina jump out. Their ride drove off and I realized they were carrying two bottles of vodka in their bags. Did everyone already know about the text? I'd only told Ami.

"Brought adult beverages," said Mina as she held the bag up. I eyed the Absolute Vodka and Skyy Vodka labels. "Brands are not consistent because we prefer skyy, but we know you prefer Absolute,"

I took the Absolute Vodka out of the bag and poured it into the martini shaker. This was not going to be my best choice, but better than nothing. I shook the shaker with ginger tea as a way to combat the ever growing feeling that I would be throwing up later from stress. The first knot in my stomach tied and I had the premonition feeling that something bad would happen tonight.

Darien had never sent another text back and Seiya had relied only nonchalantly about the night. He didn't mention anything other than that he didn't see many other people. I went into Melvin's bathroom and checked my face, I looked my best and was ready for what I anticipated to be one last game of chicken with Darien. It would end either in him explaining the misunderstanding or outright lying again without me knowing. I washed my hands and flipped my hair the other way to give it some volume. I was two drinks in and the nausea was unbearable.

"Serena, cabs here!" Called Rei from the living room. I took one last look at my face and did a few practice expression to mask my stomach turmoil. I exited the bathroom to find Melvin standing there with a water bottle of the ice ginger tea.

"May I recommend chugging this before we head out?" He tipped the bottle towards me. I took it in my hand and smelled it, no vodka. "It's straight ginger tea, I think if you keep drinking your stomach contents which I can imagine is very little will come up,"

I downed the bottle of tea and placed the empty in the recycling. Melvin held the door open for me and gestured for me to follow him out so he could lock it. The two cabs had arrived and was filled with the six of us. I heard my phone ringtone go off, it was Darien.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey, are you downtown yet?" He asked calmly. He didn't sound like he'd been drinking yet at all.

"No, we're on our way now. Why?" I replied, keeping as calm and cool as I could.

"The Crown is empty, so we're likely switching to the Queens. I figured if you're meeting us that you wouldn't want to show up at the club we're supposed to be at only not to find us," He explained.

"Good to know. Who is all with you?" I questioned, again remaining very cool. "We may go somewhere else first,"

"Oh, right. Well, maybe see you later then?"

"Yeah, for sure. I'll text you," I answered. I then hung up my phone without waiting for a reply and put it into my purse. I leaned my head on Melvin's shoulder, what was I doing?

We arrived at the Crown to see Elizabeth waiting some tables in the back. We grabbed one in her area and looked about as the beers arrived at our table. I picked up my ginger tea that Elizabeth had kindly brought me and sipped. None of us were drunk, they looked at me with sympathy. I smiled a bit at them and Elizabeth brought me a refill. Naru also showed up with two of her friends that I hadn't met; they also joined onto our growing group.

"Hey! I was wondering if we would run into you tonight," She gave me a hug and plopped herself down beside me.

"What are you drinking? Let me get the next one, " I smiled at her and tipped my glass towards her.

"Good old fashioned ginger tea," I then took a big gulp to finish off the rest of the glass. I watched Naru's brain work quite quickly.

"The text I sent you, you didn't know did you," She deduced correctly. The thing about having been best friends since kindergarten is that you can often read between the lines. "I fucking new it,"

"Sorry, I lied only because I wasn't ready to face it," I replied. Elizabeth sat another ginger tea in front of me.

"On the house. Melvin just filled me in on what happened when he grabbed his drink. I wish I'd been working last night so I could have told you more information," She explained.

"Not sure if would have helped," I smiled. It wouldn't have helped. I felt the knot tie itself two more times as I checked my phone but saw no new messages. "Excuse me, I'm just gonna quickly get some air,"

I stepped outside passed Jo, who had looked at me with a concerned face and made my way down the path behind the Crown. I bent behind a car near a grate and pulled my hair up above my head and threw up the ginger teas. I felt someone behind me and there stood Naru with her serious expression on her face.

"Serena, I'm never going to tell you what to do and I will never judge you for any decision you make. But I want you to know it's had to watch you like this," She explained.

I stood up and took the gum out of my purse offering her a stick which he declined by waving her hand and shaking her head.

"I'm sorry," I replied.

"Don't be sorry, just don't carry on like this. I had to watch you do this with Andrew for years and I worry that in your quest to seek revenge on him is doing nothing but ruining your body," She didn't intend to lecture me, but it didn't feel like a pep talk.

"I'm not doing this as revenge on Andrew," I took my phone out and saw a text from Darien. Naru just stared silently. She wasn't wrong, it was how this started out, a hobby to help me push on. "I do sincerely have feelings for Darien,"

"I know, but is Darien really relationship material?" she questioned, pushing me a bit more. I unlocked my phone and read the message scrawled across the screen.

Darien to Serena: Where are you?

I typed back a quick "omw to Queens" and went back into The Crown with Naru following close behind me. She looked at me pleadingly as I picked up my purse.

"Naru, you ever seen the movie "Almost Famous?" I asked.

"A long time ago, why?"

"There's a quote that I'm trying to live by that says 'I always tell the girls to never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously then you never get hurt and if you never get hurt you always have fun," I quoted. "I'll stop taking it seriously,"

Naru shook her head, but I could tell she was getting tired of her advice falling on deaf ears.

"I'm going to stop telling you what to do Serena, you're a big girl and you don't need me to tell you what to do,"

She started back to the Crown and we met up with everyone else outside of the Crown. Together we migrated towards the Queens. When we arrived at the Queens, the place had already closed and half the people had left to go home. Darien stood just outside the bar with Seiya and one of their other guy friends I didn't know yet. His face showed concern as I walked towards him, it was apparent that neither of us had partook in beverages that night.

"Drunk?" I asked as I walked up to him.

"Not really," He replied. Seiya and their friend seemed to fade off to give us space. He gave me an empathetic look. "What's going on with you?"

"Why do I get a message from my friend this morning saying she saw you with Emerald taking couple style photos with you at the Crown? I get it I'm not your girlfriend and you can do what you want, but it doesn't feel good when it happens,"

I didn't know it at the time, but Seiya was shaking his head angrily at Darien. Melvin said that he watched Seiya look really angry at Darien and take off leaving him and I talking alone. I didn't know why at the time either.

"Her and her friend Prisma showed up by chance. I didn't plan that and we were all drunk. I don't get why I'm in trouble for that,"

I stopped myself before I replied something I would regret. My stomach churned a little with the anxiety from earlier. All our friends had left or given us space at this point. I wasn't secure or feeling safe. He stepped towards me and encircled his arm my waist and his face softened.

"Serena, I'm not hooking up with Emerald, but we're friends still and she's in my friend group. You'll just have to accept that or this isn't gonna work,"

I paused and thought about what he'd said. He's not wrong, I was new to their group, but at the same time, a girl shouldn't be able to just step in there back into her girlfriend role when I'm not around. Also, it's worse because she's an ex-girlfriend.

"Darien, I'm not your girlfriend, I get the getting to know each other period. However, letting a girl take girlfriend like photos with you when she's your ex-girlfriend is really disrespectful. Do you see my point?" I explained. He nodded taking in what I said and he rubbed the back of his head.

"Ok, I'll stop it faster before it happens in the future," He agreed. I felt it was best not to let him know that I had severe anxiety caused by him today. Nothing more unattractive than a girl who can't keep it all together.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. He kissed my forehead and waved down a cab.

"I'm sorry," I whispered into his chest.

"I'm sorry you got upset," he replied. I pulled away and kissed him softly on his lips. He pushed his lips hungrily against mine and his hand slid down my back to just under my bum. His fingers pushed in to the skin under my skirt and I wanted the cab ride to go as quickly as possible.

This would be fine. I would stop building up the relationship in my head and I would learn to calm my thoughts before I jump to conclusions. Next week was his birthday and I was certain to be faced with more Emerald moments.