(REVISED VERSION... because the other one sucked.)

So many reviews! I feel spoiled. X3 I didn't answer many because I thought that this chapter would answer your questions. Just know that I appreciate all the comments sooo much!

This chapter took longer than expected – sorry! But I wanted to make sure that I got it right as I hate rushing things :/ I hope it doesn't disappoint.

I think I should explain something: the battle in the last two chapters was during Harry's sixth year when Dumbledore died. Now that I think about it, I probably didn't get the Astronomy tower bit right; I forgot to double check where it took place in the book before I updated. Sorry for the confusion!

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Chapter 9: Edges Of The Map Filled In

"There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer... It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble, how hopeless the outlook, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all. If only you could love enough, you could be the happiest and most powerful being in the world..."

Emmet Fox

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It took three days for Remus' arm to heal.

For the whole three days Madam Pomfrey insisted on keeping him asleep so his arm would heal properly without disturbance. By that time most of the people who had been injured at the battle at the Astronomy tower had been healed and had left the Hospital Wing, the departure of all the people mourning Dumbledore making the atmosphere less stifling.

The death of Dumbledore seemed too unreal, too unbelievable for Sirius to actually feel grief yet. Dumbledore had always been such a permanent, steady presence so essential to winning the war that it seemed as if he was never going to pass, death would spare him because he was no mere mortal. The thought that Dumbledore was in fact very mortal was so unbelievable and terrifying a thought that his death had not really set in for Sirius yet. Even though he knew Dumbledore's funeral would be soon he found that he still was unable to grieve for his old headmaster; it simply felt as if he was still up in his office, blue eyes twinkling behind half-moon spectacles as he poured over parchments and attended to school matters. In the absence of grief Sirius' mind naturally strayed to Remus and everything concerning him.

For the first day Madam Pomfrey had insisted on keeping Sirius confined to his own bed so he could recover from the exhaustion that had plagued him since that night, but he made a fuss worthy of the sullen house of Black, his mood turning so sour that the people occupying the beds next to him had begged Madam Pomfrey to let him go do whatever he wanted as long as it was away from them. On the second day she had relented and he'd immediately rushed over to the hangings around Remus' bed, slipping past them quietly before Madam Pomfrey could protest.

For two days Sirius watched over him.

It may have been due to a sense of duty, it may have also had to do with guilt that he was the cause of Remus' injury, but Sirius knew that the thing that really kept him anchored to Remus' side during those two days was the strange irrational feeling that if he left his side, if Remus was out of sight for even a moment, then he would slip away and the key to everything, to Sirius' past, to his future, to their past friendship and relationship would be lost forever. Despite his initial uncertainty and disquiet concerning the implication of a past relationship with the man, Sirius now found himself more curious than anything. Remus had risked his life for him, he'd willingly, unhesitatingly sacrificed himself for a man who had only known him for a week or so. The depth of the sacrifice indicated something so much more complex and potent than any relationship Sirius could comprehend and he found himself feeling only curiosity of what it must have been like to have such powerful feelings for someone, and guilt that he could not remember something that had been so obviously essential to the both of them.

It seemed impossible to him that he could forget every aspect of feelings so powerful that they would inspire Remus to sacrifice his own life for him, so he sifted through his fragmented memories, trying to find proof of the bond that they had had. He went all the way back to sixth year when he thought there might have been the first indications that he felt more than friendly towards Remus. There he found enormous blanks that both terrified and excited him. He remembered his brief attraction to Ernest Blacklock in his sixth year and his passing admiration of certain parts of Sean Scott's very male anatomy in the Quidditch change rooms, while Sean's sister, curvy and sweet Abigail Scott, had left him cold and bored. He had not forgotten any of that so he was quite aware that his interests lay with males and not females. But near the end of his seventh year his focus had curiously turned away romantically from his fellow students rather dramatically. In its place was the feeling of... being content. It was a constant feeling of elation, his heart bursting with excitement wherever he went but when he tried to think about what might have given him such feelings, he met with a dark, blurry void of... nothing. He now knew that whenever he met with this blank space in his mind it meant that the memories he was searching for had something to do with Remus, so the feeling of being so happy, so enamored and in love was all due to Remus.

It was mind-blowing, terrifying and exciting all in one. He was slightly unnerved by the excitement he felt, that he was so loved and that there was something wonderful in his past, something that offered respite from the hopelessness and pain of the war. But the sheer power of the feelings that Remus still felt towards him rather terrified him because he did not know if he could reciprocate that love the way he had before he lost his memory. What if it wasn't the same? What if it was only a disappointment to Remus and it overshadowed the pleasant memories that he had of him? And the looks that Remus had been giving him the past week now weighed even heavier on his mind; the intense love, the complete adoration in his eyes making Sirius feel completely undeserving and inadequate to be thought of in such a way. The guilt began to curdle in his stomach, constantly niggling away at his mind until he found himself actually wishing that he could return Remus' feelings. That was the most terrifying part: he actually wanted to return the feelings, to give Remus back what he'd lost and regain what he himself had lost, to know that he had earned that love – he wanted to fall in love with him again.

It terrified him.

Sirius Black was master of his own fate, he was determined not to have it ripped from his hands again and decided for him by another force and this love, the sheer power of it, felt a little too much like an irresistible force steering his life in a way that he had no control over.

It terrified him.

For the whole three days his mind circled endlessly around the subject until he became so confused and exhausted that he fell asleep by Remus' side, sitting in the chair with his arms and head resting next to Remus' side on the bed. That was how Remus found him when he awoke three days after Dumbledore's death.

OOOOOOOO

Sirius was startled awake by a muffled grunt of pain.

Confused and sleep addled, he stared around blearily in the late morning glare of sunlight before his gaze focused on Remus' apologetic face.

"I didn't mean to wake you. Are you alright?"

Sirius mumbled incoherently in answer, his sleepy gaze slipping down to see the way Remus was cradling his injured arm tightly as if afraid that it might cause him more pain. The sight brought back memories of the past two days and he sat up straighter, rubbing his face roughly with his hands before looking up in concern at Remus.

"What are you talking about? I'm fine. You're the one who had his arm nearly cut off".

Remus looked faintly embarrassed and he looked down at his arm.

"You're ok, aren't you?", Sirius pressed anxiously, remembering the grunt of pain that had woken him, "Can you move your arm?"

"Yes, it's fine. Just a little stiff, that's all".

Remus flexed his arm a little to emphasize his point but Sirius didn't miss the wince of pain as he did so.

"Don't", he held out his hand to still Remus' arm, "I'll tell Poppy that you're awake so she can give you some pain relief potions".

"No!"

Sirius raised his eyebrows at the adamant exclamation and Remus hastily added, "It's just that those potions taste vile and she'll make a great fuss. I'm fine, really, I just need to move a little more carefully", he smiled encouragingly to convince Sirius to sit back down, "Besides, it's just fine like this with the two of us; you can fill me in on what I've missed. I gather I've been out for a day or two".

The warm, open smile that Remus sent him made Sirius' stomach twist unpleasantly, knowing that Remus still thought that he was unaware of their past relationship and therefore did not see the need to hide his affection. It felt a little like deceiving him and Sirius felt the guilt send a stab of discomfort through his stomach.

Hesitantly he began speaking, starting with what he had learned of Dumbledore's death and the circumstances surrounding it. At the mention of Snape's betrayal Remus' eyes sharpened, the amber colour becoming brighter, more dangerous and for some reason Sirius found strength in it. Then when he spoke of Harry and what he had learned of his situation Remus had sat forward intently, his expression a mix of concern and anger. Although Sirius didn't remember meeting Harry after Lily and James' deaths, he had heard enough about him and felt close enough to him that he could understand Remus' anger at the turmoil that the boy was being put through. He desperately wanted to help Harry, offer him comfort, but he was hesitant to ask Remus to take him to him – he didn't know how he would react to finding out that his godfather was still alive and had been kept a secret from him.

Remus listened to the rest of his explanation in silence, staring unseeingly at his own hands.

Silence fell as Sirius ran out of things to say and the ringing of silence lingered for what seemed like an age. Finally, Remus spoke in a voice tinged with hopelessness. "So that's it. Dumbledore is dead and Harry is our last hope for this world. All of our lives rest on the shoulders of a sixteen year old boy; a very talented and amazing sixteen year old boy but still, I can hardly find that a comfort".

"We can help him... we can do something", Sirius urged, feeling distinctly useless and desperate to help his godson.

"I don't think we can, Sirius. We can offer, but we wouldn't know how to help. Harry trusted Dumbledore; he won't tell us what he asked him to do or how he planned to stop Voldemort; he won't put anyone else in danger, he sees it as his responsibility and he won't accept our help".

Sirius didn't answer and after a while of silence it appeared that Remus' thoughts had strayed a little.

"You called me Moony", he said softly, his eyes determinedly fixing to his feet at the end of the bed as if he was afraid of looking at Sirius, "You haven't called me that since before the veil".

Sirius hesitated before answering, hating to admit his own uncertainty and ignorance of reasons for his own actions. "I don't know why I said it, I don't know where it came from, it just seemed like the right thing to say".

"So you didn't... remember anything?", Remus asked would-be casually but there was hope in his eyes and Sirius had to look away as he answered.

"No, I don't know why I said it".

He stared at the glass of water on Remus' bedside table, watching the way the water cast a rainbow sheen on the table when the sunlight shone through it a certain way, determinedly trying to ignore the way Remus seemed to have shrunk at his words.

There was silence and then Remus said quietly, "I suppose that's the way it is". He shrugged with his words but at the action he let out a muffled cry of pain and Sirius instinctively shot forward to steady him.

"Nasty curse that", Remus muttered, indicating to his arm with a weak chuckle, "I'm lucky that Poppy is so good at what she does; I'm sure my arm will be better in no time".

Sirius' gaze fell to Remus' arm where his own fingers grasped his elbow and shoulder gently to help steady him. Remus was so nonchalant and casual about saving his life, as if were perfectly natural for him to do so. It reminded Sirius yet again of the feelings that Remus still felt, the feelings that he wished he could return.

"Thanks, by the way, for what you did", he muttered so quietly that Remus barely heard him, the simple apology feeling too inadequate for the situation.

"It's no matter", Remus replied softly, smiling easily.

Staring at Remus' smile, Sirius felt all the guilt, the anger, the curiosity, the regret all well up inside of him, threatening to burst from him in a wave of misplaced emotion. Remus should have told him, he shouldn't have been left in the dark and then surprised by the sudden, alarming sacrifice. He knew that if he'd known of Remus' feelings sooner it still wouldn't have made much of a difference but he felt so left out, the control of his own fate kept from him. He could barely keep his frustration in check, his next words overflowing with anger at his own lack of control.

"It does matter. Why did you – why didn't you tell me about us, that we were together?"

For a moment Remus' face resembled a deer caught in headlights, his eyes widening, his face tensing and freezing before he abruptly shrank back from Sirius' hands still grasping his arm.

"How did you...?"

"The photo album, I could see that we were closer than friends... And the way you look at me, I knew there was something more there than just friendship".

Remus leaned away from him, eyes darting to avoid his gaze and Sirius got the feeling that he was withdrawing into himself, his protective shell of mild politeness threatening to shield him from Sirius.

"Why didn't you tell me, Remus?", Sirius insisted, moving to sit on the bed next to him, eyes determinedly looking into his face to get a proper, honest answer from him.

"I know I should have told you, I should have been honest with you from the start", Remus admitted quietly, his voice defeated and hopeless, "But what difference would it have made? You would have trusted me even less and I wouldn't have even had the chance to try and become friends with you again. Having you back and having your friendship again was more than I could have ever dreamed of; anything more than that was history and I was prepared to leave it there. Your friendship was enough for me and I didn't want to jeopardize it for anything".

"You still should have told me. I had a right to know".

"Why?", Remus shot back, "So you would have felt compelled to reciprocate the feelings? To force you into trying to feel something for someone you didn't even know? You know yourself that it would have pushed us further apart".

Sirius wanted to tell him that he was wrong, that he would never have withdrawn from Remus because of their past relationship and that he wouldn't have felt compelled to settle back into the relationship, but the words struck a chord with him. Wasn't that exactly what he felt now? That he wanted to fall back in love with him to give them both back what they'd lost?

"Well, granted, it might have taken me more time to get used to the idea", he admitted reluctantly, pressing on bravely despite Remus' incredulous look, "But really, I don't think you know me at all. Would I really ever start a relationship with someone just because I felt like I should?"

A smile pulled at the corner of Remus' lips as he considered Sirius carefully.

"No, I suppose you wouldn't. I just didn't want to take the chance", he looked at Sirius sharply as if a thought had suddenly occurred to him, "You aren't bothered by it, are you?"

Sirius shook his head, considering his next words, "I'm not bothered... Just curious I think. There's a huge part of my life that I don't remember... I wish I could – you know, go back to that, feel that same things that I did then".

Remus met his gaze, his mouth quirking upwards a little sadly. "I know. I do too".

"I don't suppose you'd want to – I dunno... tell me about it. Would you?"

Remus looked at him in surprise before a warm, relieved smile lit up his face, "Tell you about it? Where do you want me to start?"

"From the beginning", Sirius grinned back, resting his chin on his hand as he got comfortable, facing Remus as he sat by his side on the bed, "How did it start?"

Neither of them noticed the morning sun fading to the intense heat of afternoon sun, as Remus did exactly what Sirius had requested and started from the very beginning, their seventh year when they'd first realised their feelings for each other. They were both so consumed by their own history that they didn't see Madam Pomfrey walking away from the edge of Remus' hangings where she'd overheard the last of their conversation, a gentle smile tugging at her lips as laughter and two eager voices floated through the otherwise still and silent Hospital Wing.

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Yay, no cliffhanger!

How do you think I went with Sirius' thoughts? I confused myself with them so I don't know if his thoughts on Remus were realistic enough. :/ Furthermore, in my opinion this chapter totally sucked. There was something wrong with it but I can't figure out what. Maybe it was too rushed. Anyone else get that feeling? :/ Please let me know what you think of this chapter! :)

Next chapter in a couple of days or maybe a little more; I think my mind needs to think the next chapter through more carefully than I did this one.

Reviews are treasured as always! Don't be shy! :)