CH: 9 : Insanity
Everything feels so distant. I can see Gajeel there. I can hear what he is saying, but I can't respond. My voice doesn't work. And still I have the feeling someone is talking back. But it's not me. It's her. This Kayleigh, who tried so hard to make me kill my father. Who tried so hard to turn me into a murderer. She's been here for a long time, but I never lost control to her before. And now I'm here, a prisoner in my own body.
I feel sorry for Gajeel. He's been trough so much. I want to tell him I'm in here, but SHE won't let me.
"You're a real crybaby aren't you?"
Even in here she talks to me without saying anything out loud. I have to get control back ,but how?
...
(gajeel POV)
"You can say what you want, but I will not feel sorry for you. Losing your stepsister wasn't your fault. It was his, just as much as losing Yukino isn't your fault."
Kayleigh talks to me, like my whole story was just stupid, like i'm complaining or whining. But the fact is, I was Sorano's big brother. It was my duty to protect her. And I know Yukino isn't my responsibility, but I have to try.
"I brought you some music."
I get up and put the disc in the cd-player. Behind me, the stranger in Yukino's body snorts. But then the music starts playing. It's the same Beethoven piece she played at school. The one that made her pour her anger and sadness out. The moment when she made an entire class listen in silence. If Yukino is still in there, this should do something, although I'm not sure what.
...
(Yukino's POV)
My music! He's playing my music! I can't believe he thought of something like that, It's so sweet. My heart swells and I can feel tears rolling down our face. MY face.
"No! Get back. You're not getting control again. Don't let yourself be pursuaded by this jerk! He'll only abuse you as soon as he has you where he wants you!"
That's not true. Gajeel would never hurt me, I'm sure. He is trying so hard to get me back, although I don't understand why he cares so much. And I'm sick of all this anger and hatred flowing trough me. It needs to get out, but not like this.
"We're doing this my way, bitch. I took you down, stay down!"
"LIKE HELL!"
...
All of a sudden my voice screams trough the room. I can see Gajeel staring at me in confusion. I don't know what he expected, but obviously, this wasn't it. My hands grip the armrests of the chair so tight, my knuckles turn white. Kayleigh is still trying to get back in control, but I have to fight her. I can't be her.
"I will always be a part of you, like it or not."
"Stop talking to me, bitch."
Gajeel looks even more confused for a minute, but then he finally seems to understand what's happening. He comes toward me, and crouches in front of me.
"Yukino?"
He sounds hopefull, but almost like he can't believe it. I can't blame him, I must be a wreck. I've seen our reflection, pale, skinny, underfed. I know what I look like. I've heard the sound of her voice, so different from mine. It was so cold. I was cold. WE were cold. It was a dark, frozen and barren landscape.
Gajeel is still in front of me, staring into my eyes intensely.
"Yukino?"
I put my hands over my ears.
"Shut up! Just shut up! You're confusing me!"
Tears stream down my face, as I finally look back at him. I am so confused. Who am I? Yukino? The name just doesn't sound right. But I'm not Kayleigh either.
"Who am I? "
My confused question sounds hysterical, but before Gajeel can answer, three doctors enter the room in haste. One of them, probably the head doctor, basically shoves Gajeel aside, and adresses me.
"Miss Agria."
Both of my inner voices start screaming at that name, and I scream both litterally as mentaly.
"Don't call me that! That's his name! Don't call me that, please!"
I start crying even harder, and even though Kayleigh is telling me I'm overreacting, I can't stop. What's happening to me? I feel like I'm losing it completely. I see Gajeel pushing the doctor aside again, not giving a fuck that he falls over and lands flat on his ass on the floor, with a loud protest. He gently grabs my hands, and I flinch at his touch, but he doesn't let go.
"Yukino, listen to me. You have to calm down. We will help you but you have to do what we say."
His voice is warm and calm, sooting almost. I still sob, but the tears stop coming down. My breathing is shallow, my vision is getting blurry and my heartbeat excelerates. Not his again. My nails dig into Gajeel's palms, and I see him bite back a grunt, but he doesn't pull his hands back, and starts talking to me again.
"Yukino, listen. It's ok. The doctors can give you something to keep Kayleigh away, you understand? It will not hurt you, it will just shut her up."
I slowly nod. I'll do anything to keep her out. Although she obviously doesn't agree. Suddenly I feel her creeping under my skin, pulling my arm back and punching Gajeel in the face. He stares at me, confused, as I let out a soft scream of agony.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, that wasn't me. I didn't..."
"Shh, Yukino. Easy. It's ok. I know she hates me. Don't let her darkness consume you. You're strong. Fight her. I know you can. Look for that speck of light, no matter how small. And focus on that."
The doctors watch us in silence. I know they'd prefer tho shove those pills down my troath, but I won't fucking let them. And obviously, I still have some language issues left from Kayleigh. She rubbed off on me.
"Told you, I will always be a part of you."
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!"
Gajeel and the doctors look at me in surprise. I think they can't tell who I'm shouting at.
"She is resisting, Isn't she?"
Gajeel sounds curious, but calm. I can only nod, as my internal struggle continues.
"Why does she hate me, Yukino?"
I can't even...She hates him? But why? Because he tried to get rid of her? I search our thoughts, and when I find the reason, I'm shocked myself. I struggle to get the words out. Kayleigh doesn't want me to say them.
"She...Ugh."
I pant, fighting to keep control over my body and voice.
"She's scared of you."
The room is filled with a strange silence. I slightly notice how one of the doctors keeps making notes. They must be making a file on me, so he has to make a record of everything I do and say. I understand that, but I don't like it. Gajeel looks at me with such a confused look in his eyes, I know I have to tell the rest too. The one thing I never wanted to admit to myself, because I was scared too.
"It's you."
An even more confused look takes over Gajeel's face.
"Me? What about me?"
I start panting even louder at the struggle it takes me to talk.
"The... Light."
"Huh? "
One of the doctors makes his confusion audible. Even though the others silence him quickly, I know Gajeel must feel the same. I have to push harder. I can't let her win.
"You...You are..."
I grunt as Kayleigh seems to put a lock on my vocalchords. I feel her fear. She doesn't want me to admit. But I have to. Somehow, I have to open myself up to others. It's not like I don't want to be friends with them. I want to trust them, especially him. But I'm scared. Will they still like me, will they still want me, If they know the truth? How could I possibly tell all of it? It seems so hard, so compared to that, admitting this should be easy to start with. I open my mouth again, after taking a deep breath.
"You. Are. My...Light. You are my light, Gajeel."
There. I've said it. And I feel a lot better for it.
...
A/N: Thanks for reading again! Sorry it took me a bit longer, I was soooo busy (that's also why this chapter is a bit short, I promise the next will be longer)
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