Chapter 9
Rosewood, PA is a pretty small town, relatively speaking. Coming back after being gone most of the past four years feels a little different. In most people's eyes I'm not a 22 year old college graduate. They remember the very young Emily with pigtails riding my bike with friends. Or the teen Emily, star of the swim team and loyal best friend. I get that, it's what they know.
That said, the college graduate Emily has gained independence away from home. I've met new people; experienced new things. Made mistakes and learned from them. Made the right choices and rejoiced in them. Most importantly, I've started to become my own person. It is freeing.
There is only one thing that keeps tickling the back of my mind…my relationship with Paige. Because in that regard I am not free. I am shackled by the beliefs of my family and I am bound by the perceptions of society. This is exactly how I feel. I am SO torn. I want to be with Paige so badly. And why must I feel guilty for this? Why can't I let everyone know how happy she makes me? How can something that makes me so happy alternately make me feel so bad? I don't know how people do this.
I've been home for one week now. Being away from Paige, being back in small town Rosewood, makes this inner turmoil ten times worse. Being near her, I am confident in my feelings for her. They are unwavering. She is an incredibly beautiful person inside and out. Our connection is organic; natural in every way. I want to be near her when we are apart. When I'm happy, I want to share that with her. When I'm upset, I know talking to her will soothe me. Her touch brings me to life. Her kisses show me love, security, and passion.
Being away from her, I have doubts, fears, and guilt. Doubts that maybe that isn't the life I want to live or can live. Doubts that Paige will hang in there with me through this. Fear of what people are going to think. Fear of my parents reactions. Fear of living 800 miles apart from Paige. Fear that my heart will break if we don't work out. Guilt at hiding her from my loved ones. Guilt from lying to my loved ones. Guilt that if I cannot handle this, I've strung Paige along. That is the VERY last thing I want to do.
I sound negative don't I? And that's not like me. The thing is: the good still outweighs the bad. I've been denying my feelings for so long that I can't help but feel elated that I've FINALLY made forward motion. I'm gaining traction in my own happiness. Whatever doubts or fears I may have, they aren't strong enough to make me end things with Paige. I will not do that to myself or her. I will not give in.
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Mom and I are sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast. She spoils me. What can I say? I'm certainly not going to deny her the opportunity to make me blueberry french toast, fresh fruit, and yogurt. What kind of daughter would I be? I'm fulfilling her desire to parent me.
"What are you doing today, honey?" mom asks, before taking a sip of her coffee.
"I told Hanna I would help her pack. She's leaving this weekend for New York."
"I ran into Ashley yesterday at the store. I think she's excited for Hanna but I know she is going to miss her. All of us parents are going to miss you girls."
I grabbed my mom's hand across the table and held it tightly. "I'm going to miss you too, mom. A lot. But we'll still see each other. It's not like I'm leaving the country."
She laughed. "I know, Em. It's just…you're growing up. It happened so fast. You're off to Philadelphia in a week to start a new phase of your life. One that you don't need me or your father for."
"No mom, I'll always need you and dad." I smile at her only half teasing when I add, "Especially when I can't find a job and I'm penniless on your doorstep."
"Nice try, dear," she replied, smirking. "The right job is out there waiting for you, Emily. You just have to be assertive and go out there and grab it."
"I might just have to find something for now. Then hopefully the right job will open up for me. Paige is going to ask her dad if he has any connections." I looked directly at my mom to gauge her reaction to me mentioning Paige before I continued. "I've actually been thinking about expanding my search to other cities…..like Atlanta."
"Atlanta? What on earth would make you think to look there?" Then she narrowed her eyes and pinned them on me. "That's where Paige is moving, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"Emily, you know how I feel about your friendship with her. It's not a good idea." She stood to take her plate to the sink. "Now I'm sure Paige is a nice enough girl but your association with her might be misleading."
Here we go. I threw my napkin to the table. What started as a lovely conversation has drastically spiraled out of control. "Really, mother? 'Mislead' how exactly? Might other people think I'm gay too? Will that change their opinion of me? Would that change YOUR opinion of me?"
I stood up so abruptly that my chair tipped over and hit the tile floor with a loud bang. I didn't even bother to pick it up. I yelled at my mother, "Hanna should have never let it slip to you that Paige is gay. You're not a big enough person to get past your own issues to see how wonderful she is."
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I stormed into Hanna's bedroom like a category 5 hurricane at sea. I was ready to cause some destruction.
Hanna held her hands up in surrender. "Whoa. Take it easy, Turbo. What is up with you?"
"Two words: My…Mother."
"Sorry, Em. Is she still on you about finding a job?"
"I wish," I said bluntly while rolling my eyes. "No, she thinks the gay that Paige has is catching…thank you." My tone dripped with sarcasm and agitation. I gave Hanna the kind of look she deserved at that point. She knew it too.
"Oh."
"Yeah, 'OH!' I cannot believe you outed Paige to my mom of all people, Hanna! My mom: the apparently judgmental ultraconservative!"
"Who cares what your mom thinks, Emily. Paige is awesome. Your mom will meet her someday and will realize she's not a threat." I wasn't sure what Hanna meant by "not a threat" but I let it go. "Besides, I think we all know that if anyone is gonna turn you it's me," Hanna continued with a playful wink.
Ok, I couldn't help but laugh at that. "Not helping, Hanna." I looked down to my feet and sighed. "Paige means a lot to me. We're…..very close, you know that." I wanted to tell Hanna so bad but couldn't say it. Not after the disaster of this morning. "My mom can barely stand to hear me talk about her. Her ignorance astounds me."
"Emily, I'm really sorry my big mouth is to blame. You know I love your mom but she's out of line." I smiled and gave her a big hug. She let me go and gestured around her room, "Now, these clothes aren't going to pack themselves so are you gonna help me or what?"
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On my drive home I decided to call Paige. Talking to her right now is about the only thing I can think of doing that will improve my mood. Thank God she picked up. "Hey," I said as soon as I heard her voice.
"Hey, it's so good…well I was going to say 'to hear your voice' but you sound a little down. What's wrong?"
"Pam Fields and her stubborn streak, that's what." I know she could hear the pout in my voice.
"Things not so rosy in Rosewood?" She laughed at her own joke. "See what I did there?"
Paige is such a dork sometimes. Normally this would make me laugh, but not tonight. "You could say that." I deadpanned.
"Ok, which thing is it? One of two things has her going…it's either a job or me."
I didn't say anything, which pretty much filled in the blank for Paige. She sighed. "It's me then."
I had previously told Paige about Hanna letting it slip to my mom that she's a lesbian. I didn't want to hide it from her. Our relationship has been going well so far because we are totally honest with each other. I won't stop that now. "No, Paige. It's my mom. She's the one with the problem."
"I don't think she sees it that way, Emily."
"Ok, let's not focus on that right now. She'll come around." I wanted to get our conversation on a more positive track. "I called because I miss you. I get to see you in four days! In four days I get to kiss your beautiful lips. In four days I get to look into your gorgeous brown eyes."
"I've missed you too, so much. I'm really looking forward to having you here in Philly. You are going to stay at my house, right?"
"Yeah, of course. I'll probably drop most of my stuff off at Spencer's townhouse then I'll head your way. Your parents don't mind me staying there, do they?"
"No, I've talked about you so much; I think my mom feels like she knows you already. My dad probably won't be home much, but I'm sure you'll at least get to meet him."
"I can't wait." I pulled into my driveway feeling much better than when I left a few hours earlier. "Hey, Paige?"
"Yeah, Em."
"Thanks for talking to me. I want you to know how much having you in my life means to me. I'm serious."
"Me too. Four more days, Emily. That's it. Three more bedtimes. Then we have each other for the whole weekend."
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I laid in bed that night feeling so grateful to have Paige in my life. She is everything I have wanted and more. As I drifted of to sleep I held on tight to these thoughts: two more bedtimes now until I get to feel her next to me, and I can do this.
