Ch. 9 I Don't Want To Play This Game

I know I am supposed to be really excited for today. I mean, I get to re-decorate my whole room but that aching inside me hasn't stopped since I last talked to him. Dinner was the most awkward thing that I have ever done. It didn't help that he spoke of Gina and how he is planning to ask her out. He mine as well have just ripped my heart out. But I planned to play it cool.

So, the minute I woke up, I put on "Miss Movin' On" which is the only song that is getting me through this. I try to pick out a very dressy outfit but my mood would just dampen it. And when Martha walks in to see if I am awake yet, I relish in her opinion.

"Don't be sad Darlin'. You are too much of a happy person to let anything get you so sad. But if you want to go for complete WOW! factor then you need to wear a dress." She walked right over to my closet and started rummaging.

And when she held up the dress that she thought was the right one, I kind of freaked. It was a pink, lace, dress that had black leather on the sides and around the midsection. I rarely wear dresses to begin with and I wanted to try something new but…. . .

"It's perfect. That guy, whoever he is, will love this on you."

I stare, shocked that she read me so easily but I guess I am starting to get used to it. "His name is Chance and he asked me out for Saturday." I bite my lip but she just smiles. "Does that mean I can go?"

"Of course but I do need to meet him first." She hugs me then gathers my hair into her hands. "This outfit deserves a special hairdo. I'll be right back."

I stare at myself in the mirror and I can see circles under my eyes and they're a little puffy and red. I wish I hadn't wasted my tears on Rick but it's written all over my face. And to top all that, I have a date with Chance. Don't get me wrong, I like him but I force myself to forget about Rick but just seeing him, brings it all back to me. I feel like the ride I am on will never end but I beg it to. I want to be able to enjoy where things could go with Chance and not let Rick get in the way of that.

Martha comes back in and I sit in front of her as she fixes my hair. We talk about my ideas for my room and she listens. You know how sometimes you talk to someone and they aren't totally listening? But she isn't like that, when I talk to her, she really listens. I tell her that I am thinking of a princess room, but not the infantile way but a grown-up version. She tells me that she knows all the right places.

While she is busy being my personal hairdresser, Alexis pops into the room and sits in front of me. I play with her hair as well until she tells me to fix it for her. So I do what I know, I give her two braids. When she stands in front of me to show Martha, she reminds me of Ann of Green Gables. I laugh and she starts to sing her own songs and dance around in my room. Martha pats me on my shoulder and I jump up and walk over to my mirror.

"OMG! Thank you!" I run and give her a hug and then I go back to admiring my hair. She braided my hair in pieces then wrapped it all in a loose bun. It bounces and I revel in it. And all the bouncing that I am doing, it stays right in place. I am so busy dancing around to notice that Martha had walked back in.

"Here." She stands behind me and wraps a pink ribbon around my bun and I love it. She smiles at me in the mirror then goes to get Alexis ready.

I can't believe that after all I have done and what Martha has done that I am still walking on shaky legs. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror and I partly wish that it was Rick who I was dressing up for. But I move past that notion and try to get myself psyched for the big shopping trip that I will be doing later.

I don't see Rick when I walk into the living room so I hunt for him in the kitchen. But my quest proves useless, I can't find him at all. Martha sees me looking and waves her hand.

"He's gone. Got a ride with Gina. I guess they're a couple now."

"Now?"

"Yeah, Gina has been after him for years but he managed to evade her. What changed his mind, I don't know but, hey if he is happy." She smiles and I don't dare take that away from her but I fight the tears that struggle within me.

I just play with my breakfast and my eyes stare at Rick's empty seat. I wonder what made him jump into her arms and toss me aside. Did I do something wrong? Did he really not feel anything for me? What game is he playing because I am not sure I want to play. But I have to, right? If I want him to think he meant nothing then I have to play. I am so relieved when I finally make it to school because I want to see Chance.

Chance is an innocent player and I don't want the game to ruin him and how he feels about me. And when I walk up the steps, he is already waiting for me. I smile and I watch as he shakes his hair out and kicks his sneaker. I marvel at him because he just looks so beautiful.

"Hey gorgeous. Is this all for me?" He gestures to my dress and I just playfully slap him. He falls into step beside me and even waits at my locker while I grab all my stuff. "So, you and me Saturday. Eight o' clock, don't forget that." He waves then walks off.

I am too busy trying not to blush when Ann comes behind me. "Tell me that you aren't into that douche." She shakes her head and then laughs.

I turn to see Josh hanging all over her. They're busy sending little pecks on the lips and I feel like I just fell down the rabbit hole. I don't know which world I am living in. Just the other day, he was all over me and now, he's with Ann? When did that happen and why didn't I get the memo? I don't bother interrupting them to ask and instead head out to the courtyard.

The sun warms my skin and I feel rejuvenated. I watch couples kiss and hug or just feel so comfortable being with each other that it makes me upset. Why should they get a happy ending when my died before it started? Why can't Rick see me? I mean really see me. He acts like he wants me then trips over himself as he backs away.

I draw out the walk back into school because I have to see him. And not just him, that's bad enough but to make it worse, I have to see Gina. Put that together, you get my heartbreaking nightmare: them together. And sure enough, the minute that I step into the classroom, they're sitting next to each other and are busy kissing and touching. I fight the ache in my stomach and find a seat at the very back of the classroom. Sure I'll have to see them be all touchy with each other but at least I can cry and not let them see or anyone else for that matter.

Mrs. Gorie begins telling us all about the moment when Gatsby sees Daisy again. How it was just wonderful. But I think it was more than that. It was a breathtaking moment, the kind that very few get to experience. It was a wonder and marvel and anxiety ridden moment. But it all was for the love. He never gave up on her and, oops I almost ruined the story for you. I won't, you should read it.

But she is busy going over last nights reading when her phone rings. When she answers, I take that opportunity to watch Rick. I can't help myself and when he leans over to Gina to whisper to her, my stomach drops.

"Hey, Kate," Ann is trying to get my attention from the seat to my left and she looks me over. "You look like you're ill. Are you gonna throw up?" I shake my head but now that she mentioned it, I do feel like I am going to hurl. There is only half an hour left of class, so I raise my hand.

"Yes Ms. Beckett?" Mrs. Gorie looks like she just finished reading a love letter, the way her cheeks are blushing.

"Can I go to the nurse?" I have already begun packing my stuff up and I don't pay attention to anyone but the task at hand.

"Sure thing. Here, take tonight's homework." She slides a packet on my desk and I carefully put it in my binder. When I stand up, I feel all wobbly and my eyes wander and I catch Rick. He is just staring at me, I can't read his expression. I stand frozen, our eyes locked on each other but Gina taps him on the thigh and his eyes fall away.

The nurse just said that it was stress upsetting my stomach but I know that's not the truth. My heart is broken and the pieces are cutting me up inside. She lets me sip Gatorade and I lay out on the cot that is set up by the bathrooms. I drag out the packet that I got and I look it over. I know all the answers off the top of my head but I can't focus enough to actually work on it. The room is quiet and cool and I just try to tell my heart to stop falling apart.

The cold stare that he gave me made we want to ball my eyes out but I can't let him win the game. I don't want to win but I have to because he can't know how much he means to me. I can't let him know how I've cried over him or how I feel like we are linked in someway that can't be easily explained. I have to find my inner strength and bring that forward.

"Hey stranger." I open my eyes to see Ann walking to the cot next to mine. She plops down onto it then turns on her side to see me.

"What are you doing here?" I turn on my side as well so I can see her and her face is all red.

"Allergies, they are a bitch." She laughs and we stop talking when the nurse walks in with Benadryl cream for Ann. And after she leaves, we pick right back up where we left it.

"Miss anything good in class?" She shakes her head and I know she wants me to ask about Josh but the words aren't there. I don't want to say something stupid or careless. I want to tell her how happy I am but my own happiness threatens my words.

"Josh and I are a thing now. In case you couldn't tell." She laughs it off as if her friend (me) hadn't ignored the glow that radiates off of her.

"I am very happy for you." I fake smile and hope she doesn't notice. I am happy for her but my jealousy is spreading and I try to play it cool. I grit my teeth as I turn to lay on my back. I rub my temples and try to battle with my emotions. I switch gears, "you are coming shopping with me today right?"

"Duh. You need me." She smiles and starts rubbing her face with the cream.

"Lanie is coming too."

"Not Madison?" She looks at me in the mirror and raises her brow.

"Not Madison nor Jenny. They have a Dance practice." I kick my long legs out and see that they are dry. I start to itch out of habit but Ann comes back and swats my hand away. "Hey."

"You'll break out. You want that for your date tomorrow?" She pushes me over and joins me on my cot. "Look, I get it. You want Rick but troll face has him under her bridge." I look at her angrily because I don't like this speech. "Calm down. She is a grade-A bitch that happens to be somehow attractive to Rick. Screw him and go for Chance. He is a nice enough guy for a get-me-over-my-intense-love-for-Rick thing. Is he boyfriend material? Hell no! But he'll you get distracted so you don't focus on Rick. Better now?"

"Sort of. But why isn't Chance boyfriend material?" I fold my legs under me and sit Indian style. She does the same and as she talks, her face starts to clear up.

"Because he is a man whore. He pretty much just wants to get into your pants then he moves on. I haven't let him, to inform you. He just has that reputation. So, don't invite him inside. Get it?"

"Got it."

"Good, because I don't want to see you hurt. You know who is a nice guy?" She swings her legs over the side of the cot and turns back to me, "Terry Dorsey. He's a senior though. Think you can handle him?" She laughs then tosses her bag over her shoulder. "You coming?"

"Do we just leave?" I slide off as well and slide my backpack on.

"Duh. Unless you want to be late to class." She talks the whole way to U.S. Constitutional Law. And of course she talks about Josh. I am happy for her but setting me up with another guy isn't the solution to this problem.

I let her go on and am relieved to be silenced as we begin class. Normally, my head would be trying to consume every ounce of this class but my head wanders to Chance and if he really is a good idea. I want to get over Rick but is fooling someone else's heart the way? I made up my mind and I am not going to lead Chance on if there isn't anything. I'll give him a solid shot but that's it. But I've never been on a date before. How does it go? What do I do? How do I act? What do I wear? I am so busy making a list of questions that I didn't notice I was being called on.

"Ms. Beckett?" I am pulled back to class and stare at Mr. Url. His face grows serious and I shake my head. "Maybe if you were paying attention you would know the question. Want to give it a shot?" I nod and he moves on. "What is the second amendment about?"

"The right to bear arms. Everyone has a constitutional right to own a gun." I was going to further explain it but he seemed satisfied enough. He moves on to another victim and my mind resumes its wandering. I catch Ann giving me a warning look but my head isn't in the fear of being called out again.

As I am leaving class, Gina hunts me down. She smiles as she begins to brag about her relationship with Rick and I fight the urge to punch her. I want to just walk away but as she goes on and on, I catch Rick making his way to her. I try to end this little rubbing it in moment but she begins to spill things as if this was her tell all book.

"I mean, taking him away from you? Please, that was easy. Listen honey, wipe that dopey look you get when you so much as hear his name and focus. He is mine! So, move on. You can pine after him all you want but dream on."

Rick stops as those last words slip out her big fat mouth. He looks at me like he had no idea and the blatant ignorance that seeps across his face makes me want to cry. And sadly enough, I do. I run away from it all and can feel him trying to catch up to me and the idea of him seeing me crying makes me run faster. I run and don't stop until I am hiding out in the music room. I make my way to the window and sit perched on the ledge. Just days ago, this was where I was with Rick. He was into me then, right?

He comes in behind me and I just want him gone, wiped from my memory. But most importantly, I want him wiped from my heart. He says nothing as he makes his way to me and soon enough, I feel him inches from my body.

"Go away Rick." My sadness creeps through my voice and I frantically wipe away my tears. "I want you to just go away. Ok?"

But he doesn't, instead, he steps out from behind me. Soon, his bright blue eyes are looking me over and I feel naked. He seems to know just what to say but he fails to do so.

"You happy now? You saw me cry, now you can leave." I try to look away from his face but his eyes are like little sirens calling me back into that ocean. He is chaos and probably the biggest challenge of my life and yet I can't turn away.

"I didn't mean to make you cry nor get misled." His words are the last knives I am willing to take from him.

"Misled? You almost fucking kissed me! You, you are worse than she is. At least she tells me how she feels to my face. You backtrack and fucking make more of a mess. So, I want nothing to fucking do with you!" I grab my bag as I storm out of the room. I feel bad about letting him get to me and I realize that by going out with Chance, would make me just as bad as he is. I head to the bathroom to clean myself up and unfortunately run into Chance before I can do so.

"Whoa, Kate. . . What the heck happened to you? Why are you crying?" He doesn't take long to wrap me in his arms and try to soothe me. It feels good to be held and comforted in an intimate way that I don't even think about Rick for what feels like minutes but was only seconds.

"Thank you, for holding me." He begins to smile and my sadness falls. Here in front of me, is a nice guy. I'm not sure what made Ann feel the need to warn me about Chance for because he seems genuinely wholesome. But then again, people aren't who I thought they were because I thought I knew Rick.

"No problem. Now are we going to go beat the crap out of this mean person?" He catches my light chuckle and he grins big. "Good. Now that that's done, are we still on for Saturday?" He just stares at me and his dimples glisten.

"Yes we are. Where are you going to take me?" He gasps and I can't help but be a little confused.

"Why Ms. Beckett, that's a surprise." He winks and leans down to kiss my hand. He lifts it to his lips and I can't help but blush. "Later my lovely." His hand lingers along my shoulder but then falls away as he walks down the hall.

All this time I have been feeling bad about dragging Chance's heart along but what if I'm not dragging him along? What if I actually might like him? I never thought that after Rick I could find someone else. But I still feel for Rick so what is going on? I can't sort it all out right now and my next class beckons.

During creative writing, I daydream of Chance. I think back to when he lifted my hand just to plant a warm kiss on it. And the way his lip ring grazed across my skin, whoa. I feel less guilty, that is until I catch someone staring. And not just anyone, I catch Rick staring. I don't know what he wanted because the minute I looked at him, he turned away.

I am so disgusted with the whole Rick situation and it would be a whole lot easier if I wasn't going to the same home he was. I try to focus on the assignment but my head keeps wandering to Chance. I love how his golden hair falls in his face and how he looks at me like I am the best thing his eyes have ever looked at. And his blue green eyes take on a life of their own when the sunlight warms them.

"Ok. Please go ahead and begin."

Those words snap me back like a rubber band being flicked across the room. I look around and everyone else has begun to write and if it wasn't for Mr. Holloway writing everything on the board, I would be completely lost.

I can't believe the topic is to right of your dream world. I immediately feel my eyes flick across the room and spot Rick. My dream world would be one where he is. Where everything would work out for the better and he would realize that I am the one for him. It would include my parents not being dead. It would be one that included Martha, Jackson, and Alexis. All my new friends and my old ones. Before I know it, I easily fill up two pages.

"Make sure you have them ready for tomorrow." He slides into his seat and he is so rail thin, I think I can see his bones peeking through his shirt as I leave the classroom.

Ann catches up to me as I am busy grabbing my Physiology book and she has a big smile on her face.

"What's that about?"

"Josh asked me to the movies today!" She is so busy bursting with joy but I feel forgotten. "Why aren't you happy for me? You're going out with Chance tomorrow." Her nose ring and lip ring move with her as she gives me a sad face.

"You were supposed to come with me to go shopping for my room today. Right after school?" I shove the rest of my supplies into my bag and she follows in step with me as I head to class.

"Ohmygosh! I am so sorry, I forgot. I'll tell him that I have already made plans. No big deal!" She hugs me and starts to dart off but I feel guilty and I stop her before she gets out of hearing range.

"Forget it! Have fun with Josh!" I smile as does she.

She runs back and gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "You're the best!"

But I don't feel like I am the best. In fact, I feel deflated. Everything seems to be going my way but then why don't I feel happy?