CHAPTER EIGHT - FURY
I'd read somewhere that there were five stages of grief: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I didn't feel like I had fully gone through step one. Sure, I isolated myself. There was a point a while ago where I pushed everyone away from me; Edward, Alice, Carlisle and Esme, my parents, Jessica. When this all came crashing down on me, I wanted nothing more then to curl up alone and never see sunlight again. I was perfectly content with no human contact and wanted to keep it that way.
But I never denied anything. I knew what was happening the entire time. There was never a point where I honestly believed I was living in a dream; that I was going to wake up and everything was going to be fine. I was always fully aware of what was happening.
That's why it surprised me when step two hit me as hard as it did. I woke up one morning, a few days after taking Edward to the doctor, and I was mad. No, mad may have been an understatement. I was livid. I hated the world. I unfairly took out my rage on the first person I encountered that day: My co-worker Lauren. All she had done was call me to see how I was feeling and to check up on when I may be returning to work.
I was disgusted the second I saw her name on the caller ID of my cell.
"Hello?" I tried to hide my resentment at even having to talk to her, but I still sounded frustrated.
"Hey, Bella, it's Lauren! How are you?" She was annoyingly chipper. I wished I could reach through the phone and slap her.
"I'm peachy, why?" I snapped.
She missed a beat before answering. She could sense my annoyance. "Well, I hadn't heard from you in a while, and just wanted to check up on you—"
"To see how losing the love of my life has been? Fucking wonderful, Lauren. Do you want details so you can spread it around the office? Cause you know how much I love hearing whispering behind my back."
She didn't say anything in response. I was hoping maybe she had hung up on me, but the display on my phone showed me the call was still connected.
"Anything else?" I added curtly.
"Um, well, James wanted me to see when you'd be up to coming back," she said timidly. "I know you have lots of vacation time banked up, so it's not me asking, but he said if I talked to you, just to see. He didn't want to bother you himself."
Was she fucking kidding? James was our boss. The one who I talked to when all this happened, who promised me that it wasn't a problem that I needed a while off work, that he would make sure all my vacation time went through. And now he didn't even have the balls to call me himself to see how I was doing? He was using Lauren to make me feel obligated to go back to work before I felt ready. Before this, I was actually thinking about calling James and telling him I was going to come back. I was going stir crazy locked up in my apartment. At least going back to work would give me something to do. But now, I felt like extending this "vacation" for as long as possible just to be spiteful.
"You can tell James that I'll come back when I'm good and fucking ready," I sneered. "We already talked about this and it was all worked out. I'll come back when I'm ready to come back."
"Bella, look—"
"And while you're at it," I interrupted. "Tell him the next time he needs to talk to me, to call me his fucking self and not have one of my fucking subordinates to it for him, ok?"
Her voice was shaking. Great, I'd made her cry. "Bella, I just called to see how you were—"
"Cut this sweet talking shit and stop pretending like you care," I interrupted again. "Tell James to call me if he needs to talk to me." And I hung up the phone. I then threw it across the room where it skittered across the floor and landed somewhere in my closet. I'd find it later.
I felt like a few hours at the gym might burn off some of my rage. I dressed quickly in a pair of sweatpants and a tank top, tossed my hair into a messy bun and drove to the gym, almost taking out a few pedestrians in the process who wouldn't get the hell out of the way fast enough.
The treadmill seemed like the best place to start, so I threw on my headphones and hopped on, cranking the speed as high as I could handle. The angry music blaring into my ears fueled me.
Usually, ten minutes of high speed running had me worn out. This time, thirty minutes passed and I was still going strong. I could feel the sweat pouring down my back and my legs were searing with pain, but I kept running. Deep in the back of my mind, I thought if I ran hard enough, I could run away from everything, leave everything behind. Maybe run to an alternate world where everything was normal again.
An hour later, the treadmill slowed it self down. The message "cool down" flashed on the digital display. I guess ninety minutes was the maximum workout you could do on this machine. Drenched in sweat, I hopped off the treadmill and headed for the water fountain. On any other day, I would have probably passed out by now. But I had so much adrenaline coursing through my veins, I felt like doing some more. I gulped down several mouthfuls of water before heading to an exercise bike. Turning my Ipod back on, I set myself for a five-mile ride.
Twenty minutes and five miles later, I still hadn't had enough. I set five more miles on the bike and upped the resistance a few notches. Now I felt like I was getting a workout. My legs screamed in opposition and my head was swimming, but I kept pushing. Another half an hour later, I was exhausted. My shirt and sweatpants were soaked in sweat and I could barely catch my breath. My hair was sticking to my neck and forehead uncomfortably. I briefly thought that maybe I had gone too far. I sat down next to the bike and put my head between my knees, trying to stop my head from spinning.
"Are you ok?" I heard a deep male voice say from above me. I looked up and saw a concerned trainer staring down at me.
"Yeah," I panted. "Just catching my breath."
"Here." He crouched next to me and handed me a towel. "You're sopping wet."
"Thanks," I said, tossing the towel around the back of my neck. I placed my head back between my knees.
"Do you need some water?" He asked.
I nodded my head. I saw his shoes disappear for a few seconds. He returned and handed me a bottle of water. I opened it and sucked it down.
"Careful," he said. "Take it slow."
A few minutes passed and I was starting to feel better. My breaths were coming more normally now instead of in choking gasps. The room wasn't spinning anymore. I ran the towel across my forehead pushing the sticky hair out of my face.
"Feeling better?" The trainer asked, still crouched next to me.
"Yeah." I nodded. "Thanks."
"Don't work so hard next time," he said standing up. He offered me his hand. I took it and he pulled me up. "I saw you earlier and you were going pretty hard."
"I'm having a rough day," I said. "Just trying to get rid of some frustration, you know?"
"I know," he smiled. "Just be careful next time, ok?"
"I will," I handed the towel back to him. "Thanks."
"Not a problem." He handed me his business card. "If you need some help next time you're in here, give me a call." He gave me one more smile before jogging off. I glanced down at the card in my hand.
Jacob Black
Personal Trainer
"Huh, sweet guy," I said out loud turning the card over in my hand. I shrugged and shoved it in the pocket of my sweatpants. Finishing off the water bottle, I decided I'd had enough of the gym for the day. I headed out to my car, trying to figure out what was now going on in my head. I was still feeling angry, but I felt a lot calmer now. I didn't feel like beating the shit out of the next person who talked to me anymore. I almost, almost, even felt bad for how I had talked to Lauren. Not enough to actually call her and apologize though. Maybe tomorrow.
I rolled the windows down on my way home and let the cool air dry my damp skin and clear my senses. By the time I got home, I almost felt normal again. I was still feeling energized from my workout, and my heated mood had almost vanished. Buy my feelings changed when I dug my phone out of my closet and saw three missed calls and a text from Alice:
Why the hell aren't you answering your phone? Are you pulling this "I can't leave my apartment" shit again? I haven't heard from you in a few days. Call me.
And just like that, I was fuming again. I hated myself for letting such an insignificant event bring back the feelings I had just worked so hard to get rid of. But leave it to Alice to be the one who caused it. She just had that kind of effect on me. When I was in a bad mood, she had a habit of grating on my nerves even more. As I went to flip my phone shut, it started ringing. It was Alice calling again.
Without even giving her a chance to start on me, I pushed "talk" and said, "Did you ever stop to think that I'm not answering my phone simply because I don't want to talk to you?"
"Excuse me?" She sounded surprised.
"What is that obsession of yours, Alice, to have to know what everyone is doing at any time of the day?"
"I was calling to see how you were doing, that's all," her voice sounded guarded. "Where were you?"
"Why do you care?" I snapped.
"It's not like you to not answer your phone, Bella. I thought you'd dropped back into your funk you were in a couple weeks ago." She sounded concerned. But by this point, I had convinced myself it was all an act.
"Not that it's any of your fucking business, but I was at the gym. I left my phone at home. That's why I didn't answer your calls. But then again, with the mood I'm in, I probably wouldn't have answered anyway."
"What crawled up your ass?" Alice demanded. "I was going to see if you wanted to have lunch or something, but the way you're acting, I'm not sure I want to even be around you right now."
"No, I don't want to 'have lunch or something.' And you and your 'don't want to leave your apartment' comment is not appreciated."
"Bella, I was worried!" She was starting to lose her temper. "What's your problem all of a sudden?"
"Next time I don't answer my phone, wait for me to call you back. Don't blow up my phone calling over and over and sending me rude fucking text messages." My voice started to rise. "I'm done dealing with bullshit, ok? Don't assume something is wrong with me if I don't answer my Goddamn phone. Sometimes I just need some time to myself and I'd appreciate it if you could respect that and not call me four thousand fucking times a day, ok?!"
"And I'm sick and tired of your fucking mood swings, Bella, shit!!" Alice was yelling now. "One second you're crying and begging for comfort and the next you're being a bitch!! I'm tired of being the one you take out your tantrums on. I'm sick of having to think 'what's Bella gonna be like today?' when I call you! What happened to the Bella from a month ago? The normal Bella?!"
"Fuck off," I spat, and hung up the phone. Now I was even more pissed off then before. I threw myself back onto my bed and screamed into my pillow. I felt like strangling Alice. If she showed up at my door, I swore to God, on everything I loved, I would knock her out. I could take her. I'd probably regret it later, but at the moment, I didn't care.
I felt my phone vibrating in my hand. I figured it was Alice calling me back to give me a few more choice words, so without even looking at the caller ID, I flipped the phone open and said. "Did you not get the fucking clue five minutes ago?"
"Bella?"
It was Edward.
Shit.
My anger was gone. I literally felt it drain out of my body. I couldn't be angry with him. His voice soothed every raw nerve in my body. If I would have known his voice would have this kind of effect on me, I would have called him as soon as I woke up this morning. One little word and all my frustration from the entire day was melted away. Unfortunately, it was replaced with nausea; a common occurrence when it came to dealing with Edward. "Hey, Edward, sorry. I thought you were someone else."
"Oh." He sounded uncomfortable. "Is everything ok?"
"Not really, but don't worry about it." I cursed myself internally. When was I going to start being more careful when it came to him? "What's up?"
"Well, I owe you lunch, don't I? I wanted to make good on it. Are you busy?"
Damn. Alice would be even more pissed once she found out about this. Once again, that little part of me that just could not say no to Edward took over. How could I turn down time with him? It would probably tear off yet another piece of my heart, but it seemed like I was a glutton for punishment these days.
"No, not busy at all. I just got back from the gym."
"Oh, if you're too tired…"
"No! I'm not," I said a bit too eagerly. "I'll just need to take a shower."
"That's ok," I could practically hear him smiling on the other end of the phone. "I'll be ready when you get here."
"Gimmie like an hour?" I said.
"Perfect," Edward responded. "See you then."
I hung up the phone and stared at it. I didn't actually think he had meant it the other day when he said we would go out to lunch. I honestly thought he was just being nice. And the way he seemed so enthusiastic about taking me out… I was confused. I let the past few minutes sink in.
Did he just ask me out on a date?
No. I shut that thought out of my head almost the second it appeared. I couldn't let myself get too excited over this. I couldn't let myself down like that again.
In the shower, I asked myself, yet again, why I did this to myself; why I punished myself like this. The whole shower was spent thinking, trying to reason with myself. The smart thing to do when it came to Edward would be to distance myself from him, to just start over without him. It was clear he wasn't going to remember me. We would never have what we had before. And all I was going to do was continue to hurt myself if I kept up this charade.
But the other part of my brain was saying that maybe we could start over. Our relationship could start fresh. Sure, it sucked that our entire history was gone, but he seemed genuinely interested in having some sort of relationship with me. Maybe we could still be together. It could be sort of fun to re-get-to-know-eachother.
My brain was still buzzing when I left my apartment an hour later. I donned a pair of jeans, a flowy tank top, strappy heels, straightened hair and light makeup. I hadn't been with Edward looking like a step up from a homeless person since the accident. I was always in sweats, my hair up, no makeup on. I wanted to try to start to impress him. Show him the Bella he knew before the accident.
I drove quickly to Edward's apartment, resolved to be the Bella from before. No more of this feeling sorry for myself, no more crying, no more what-ifs. I was starting over.
I knocked eagerly on Edward's door. He opened it a second later, leaned on one crutch, looking amazing. He had on a pair of khaki shorts and a white button up shirt. His hair was tousled perfectly and his green eyes were excited.
"Hey!" He said happily. "You look great!"
"Thanks!" I replied. "I could say the same to you."
"Oh, maybe, without this," he gestured towards his cast. "Or this," he said running his fingers along the fading scar on his forehead.
"You can barely see it anymore," I observed.
He laughed and hobbled out the door, pulling it shut behind him. "You don't have to be nice."
"I swear!" I said, putting my hand on my heart.
His lopsided smile made me breathless. I almost believed his was "my Edward" again. "You ready for the best lunch of your life?" He asked.
"Let's go," I said eagerly, smiling back at him. Time to show him how Bella really was.
Ugh, this took me FOREVER to get out of my head. I've been raging about work lately, and it definitely came out in Bella's character. I'm still not sure I'm entirely happy with it, but oh well. :) Let me know what you all think! Reviews are looooove.
