Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, I am simply borrowing them for the purposes of this story.
AN: Okay the content in this chapter is not pleasant – so if you are looking for romance then I am afraid it is absent in this chapter. Red John is here and he has disturbing thoughts to share. Don't read this if that's not what you want to be reading.
Falling Slowly Chapter Nine
I can't seem to keep my eyes open, am I still sleeping?
Was I drinking today, I feel odd. And I can't open my eyes, I'm trying so hard but the effort of prying open my eye lids is beyond me.
Everything hurts.
I hurt.
My throat hurts, and my head is pounding, my skin hurts. There is something clearly wrong. I think I might have been attacked; there is an ache in my side that feels like a bullet wound, maybe even a stab wound. But my head is worrying me more as I can't get a focus on where I am.
I can't open my eyes.
Maybe this is a dream, maybe I should go back to sleep and it'll be okay in the morning.
I can hear James calling for me, and I think that's Tommy too. Why are they screaming at me like that? What have I done wrong?
No, no, no. no. They're not screaming at me, they're screaming for me. Dad is home and I guess he's had a bad day. I need to get to them, I need to get up from here and get to my brothers.
I can't open my eyes.
I need to get to my brothers, I can hear them crying for me. I need to get dad to stop, or at least focus on me and leave the boys alone. I just need to be able to open my eyes.
Now it's my mom. My mom is shouting at me. Why is she doing that? I thought she said I could sleep late because it's the weekend. She always lets me sleep late. Okay, mom I'm coming. I'm coming mom.
I know why she wants me, we're going to Mass. I love going to Mass with my mom. I need to get up to go and do that. I need to go be with my mom. We have the best time. We get dressed in our nice dresses, and I have a blue cardigan that I only wear to go to Mass. I think I left it on the floor the other day, what did I do with my cardigan?
Will she wait for me? Mom, wait for me. I need to find my cardigan and then we can go together. It feels like forever since she took my hand and we walked to church together. I miss it so much; I miss the quiet of the peaceful time we spent with each other like this.
Mom, wait for me.
I can't open my eyes.
I can hear Jane now; he's somewhere just out of my reach looking for me. Why am I hurting everyone, why am I letting them down? He's yelling and he's asking for me. Where is he? What trouble has he gotten himself into now? I can hear him yelling for me and I can't get to him. What if he's being hurt? He can't always protect himself; I need to get to him before he does something stupid.
I can't open my eyes.
I need to get to Jane before Red John learns how vulnerable he is.
I can't open my eyes.
I need to get to Jane before Red John.
It hurts so much, everywhere hurts so much.
I need to focus and let myself feel the pain and concentrate on coming back. This is the worst dream I have ever had, why can't I wake up?
I can feel a severe pain in my side; I think that might be real. I think I might be in actual trouble. I'm not sure what's true. Breathe Teresa, just breathe. I can do this, I have to concentrate on the pain and work my way towards that.
"Are you ready to join us again, Teresa? I think you've been out long enough."
And just like that I understand what the pain is that I am working my way towards. I am with him, I am with Red John.
"Teresa. Quickly now, it's time for you to talk to some friends of ours."
I feel hands pulling at my shoulders as I am yanked into a sitting position on this bed that I am lying on. It's so funny, for a moment I could swear I smell Jane. I wanted to curl back down on the bed and return to the volatility of my dream state because I was so comforted by the scent of Jane. I don't think there will be much comfort for me in what remains of my life.
"Teresa, you are much more delicate than I could have ever imagined. That was quite the reaction to the drug I gave you; but I must say watching you in agony has been instructional and I think it might have even brought us closer. But it's time to focus Teresa; we both have work to do tonight."
I can hardly see anything, I'm not sure if it's an after effect of being drugged but also I've been beaten a little and my sight has been damaged somewhat by that. I want to move from this place and smack him so hard. If I could maybe break his nose before I am killed then this won't feel so much like a surrender. I am so cold, and I don't even want to think about what the pain in my side means. I know that I am bleeding a lot because my shirt is saturated with blood, and maybe that's why I'm cold. What am I talking about, stop worrying about the heat Teresa and start thinking about how to fight back.
I'm not going to surrender. I know it's over, but I'm not going to give him what he wants the most – I refuse to be afraid. I refuse let him see how terrified I am that I will never get to live my life, and that I will never see Jane again.
"Teresa, you need to listen to me and do as I say; you don't do as I say and I will drug you again. This time I'll give you more, and you might never find your way to consciousness again. Now that would be a disappointing end for both of us, you need a glorious and noble end to justify to yourself the resistance you will show to all this pain we are about to share… And I need to take time and enjoy what I am about to do with you. Actually, you'll notice I have a couple of friends with me – because my plans' involves props Teresa, so these guys are going to be helping us."
I swallow the bile and try and maintain eye contact with this man who has wrecked so many lives. My focus is terrible, my peripheral vision almost gone – it takes all that I have to concentrate on the gaze of this monster. I wish I had my gun with me. I wish I could just shoot him and know that he was gone from the world. I'm very much afraid he will prevail. If only I had paid more attention when I answered my door earlier, I could happily smack myself for my stupidity if I didn't think that moving my arm might just kill me.
I can't imagine what his plans are, and perhaps that is for the best; it will do me no good to focus on what he is going to do. My biggest regret is the affect all of this is going to have on other people
This will devastate my brothers; the distance between us doesn't mean we've ever forgotten we are family. Being their sister has been one of the greatest gifts of my life; I wish I could protect them this one last time.
My team will never forgive themselves and that will push them closer to danger as they will surely risk too much to try and catch him now. I can't even think about what this will do to Jane. He will blame himself, and it's inevitable he will pursue Red John now to the point of madness.
I am powerless to protect them or help them. I can't negotiate with this man, and I should really be concentrating on trying to hide how utterly terrifying that is. Whatever happens here today will happen because Red John wants it to. He has outwitted us this one last time, and the delight on his face is all I can see as he prepares to confess his repellent strategy to me.
"So Teresa, I thought we could talk to Patrick Jane before we get to our endgame. I think he would like to hear from you one last time. I know I would like to share a little of what is to happen today with him. I mean, I know he will probably find you after, but it might be fun to involve him while you are still alive."
There is no way to process what he is saying to me, I'm just forcing myself to keep looking in his eyes and not pass out. I feel sick, and not only because of what Red John is telling me. I know he has stabbed me, or someone has stabbed me, and I can see bruises in the shape of hand prints on my arms. It hurts still to keep my eyes open, and I can only focus about a metre in front of me – but I can sense the presence of a couple of people just beside me. Red Johns friends are hovering, probably to make sure I stay where I am and also to just keep freaking me out a little more.
They should be commended; they are very talented at freaking me out.
It really does hurt to be abducted by a serial killer, I can't emphasise that enough. I can hear myself breathe in and out – I almost certain that is not usually the case. Struggling for breath is not how I imagined this day would go.
"Teresa, are you listening to me? It's very important to me that you stay awake for a little while longer. I need for you to enjoy this as much as I am going to. Can you hear that Teresa, can you hear what we've been listening to all this time?"
I close my eyes again and try and centre my attention on listening. My brain is exhausted and over active all at the same time, thinking seems to require an act of will. I miss having my partner beside me. I miss Jane; he would be able to help me with this.
I can hear him; genuinely I can hear Patrick Jane talking. Is this what happens when you lose your mind?
"Listen with me Teresa, Patrick is at your apartment right now. Actually all of your little team is at your apartment. They're worried about you; I've been listening to them while you've been unconscious. I think dear Patrick blames himself somewhat for this predicament we find ourselves in. And he is correct, of course, so I thought it might be amusing to call your apartment and have a quick chat before we move on to the final part of the evening."
I can hear them now that I know what it is I should be listening out for. I can hear the soft voices of my team, I can't really hear the words but it's a comfort to know they remain safe. I shall do everything I can while I am still here to ensure their safety for as long as possible. I understand the odds of success are slim, but I owe them my loyalty till the very end.
"Goodness Patrick is taking your disappearance badly. I wonder what has upset him the most – perhaps the flowers I left for you when he has never had the nerve to give you a bouquet of flowers himself. Or perhaps it was the blood we left for him, I must admit that lovely incision I made on your flawless skin spilled rather more of your blood than I was expecting. It would have been instructive to watch the look on Patricks face when he found that little bit of evidence. Anyway, I should get to the point and put a call into them. I'll use speaker phone and that way you can be fully involved Teresa. I should remind you that myself and my friends will be quite prepared to use necessary force if you misspeak. Show me respect now that you are my guest and this will go fine."
I can hear him humming softly to himself as he places a call on his cell phone. He seems happy, and to be enjoying this completely; it's unspeakably frightening to be in the presence of a true psychopath.
"Hello."
Patrick. He has answered the call, probably already half resigned to the conversation he is about to have.
"Patrick Jane. It's been too long. You know who I am, and of course I should tell you I have a very lovely visitor with me just now."
Silence. There is no answer from Jane. I hope he is going to be okay. I know Grace will look out for him, actually they all will. This is too cruel, he shouldn't have to bear this – none of them should.
"Patrick if you won't engage with me in conversation then I will make Teresa regret it."
"I want to speak to Lisbon. I want to know how she is before we can have any sort of dialogue."
"You misunderstand this situation Patrick. You have no input into my actions, I've already decided on my actions for today. This is a courtesy call to yourself and those fine agents you work alongside. I'll tell you a little of what I plan for Teresa Lisbon and then I'll let you get back to making your futile little plans to catch me."
"I want to speak to Lisbon."
"I'll bet you do Patrick, but we'll get to that in a short while. I should tell you that I've been listening to Lisbon for several weeks now; it was easier to secrete a bug in her apartment that I at first thought. This should tell you that I heard your pathetic conversations last night. You know Patrick, I must confess to be disturbed that I mean so little to you that you seem willing to align yourself with Teresa over myself. I thought you understood the journey we were on. This is a necessary reminder for you to keep your focus."
This is beyond cruel and I am powerless to prevent any of it. I can pray for them all, and I will as soon as this horrific parody of a phone call is over.
"I want to speak to Lisbon."
He is very close to cracking, the terror and desperation all too obvious in his voice. He is trying so hard to remain professional but instead he sounds like a little boy. I want very much to be able to run my fingers through his hair and tell him everything will be okay. I think later today when it all becomes too much for me I will retreat to a place where I can find comfort in pretence of being held by Patrick Jane.
"I understand what you want Patrick, and actually for the first time I do mean that. I can understand why you are so taken with the lovely Agent Lisbon; she is quite an impressive woman. Utterly fierce, but conversely beautifully feminine. I can't tell you how charmingly delicate her neck is, I can wrap my whole around it. And earlier I must confess I was moved by her humanity as she fought her way to consciousness, fighting off the effects of the drug we used on her. She cried for her brothers. She cried for her mother Patrick, can you imagine? The indomitable Agent Lisbon screaming for her mother. And, of course, she asked for you too Patrick – I think we both know she'll probably be screaming for you as I kill her."
This really is too much to bear, and I'm so worried about what Red John is going to coerce Jane into agreeing to.
"I will find you, and I will kill you. Now let me speak to Lisbon now, though I know I will speak to her later today when we find her. And we will find her."
"I have no doubt you will find her Patrick, but it will be too late by then. She will be dead. You're always going to be too late. You're condemned to follow me in the shadows, and always coming off second best. It makes me think of our lovely friend Lorelai, frankly. I knew her so very well before you ever did; I'm wondering whether I should take that same step with the delightful Teresa."
I can hear Cho and Rigsby shouting in the background, yelling what they intend to do to Red John when they get him. Shamefully I hope they succeed.
"I will do anything you ask if you let her go. Anything. I mean that. I will do anything you ask. Let Agent Lisbon go and I'll go with you. Let her live and we can come to an arrangement."
Stupid man, he should know I would never want that – but I do love him for trying. I love all of them for trying.
"It's too late for that Patrick, my plans are final. I should tell you and those noisy agents with you what my plans are for Agent Lisbon – actually the lovely Teresa will be hearing this news for the first time too. I am intrigued by the idea of the redemptive suffering of Agent Lisbon, and the wonderful symbolism of this aligned with her faith. Agent Lisbon will die for your sins Patrick; she will be crucified as soon as that can be arranged."
That I didn't expect. This is someone else's life, it has to be. Probably someone in a Mexican soap opera; that is the only reasonable explanation. I can hear crying now, I'm not sure who is but the sobbing is heart wrenching.
"I want to speak to Teresa."
"Of course, where are my manners? Agent Lisbon, the floor is yours."
"Hey Lisbon, are you okay?"
I can't help myself so I let out a small laugh at the utter futility of those words.
"Hey yourself."
It hurts to speak, that can't be a good sign. But my sight is coming back, which is a comfort. At least I know where I am, and where I will end my days.
"Hold on, Lisbon. We're coming for you."
They're really not, but I think I will allow him this lie. I really want to hold his hand one more time. I think I could bear anything if I got to hold his hand once more.
"It's okay, I'm okay. I need for all of you to be smart and stay safe. I need all of you to say safe."
"Teresa."
He's crying now, and there will be nothing I can do to stop that. I think we both recognise this conversation to be the ending that it is.
"I wanted you to know that I do believe you, despite what I said earlier today. I do believe what you told me. But I don't want that. Choose what's smart. Don't sacrifice any more than we've already had to. Take care of each other. But I know it's too late for me now, you should've let me in when I asked partner. I shouldn't have had to ask more than once."
Maybe those words will be enough.
"Okay, that's enough. Patrick, agents, it's been a delight. But you'll have to excuse Agent Lisbon and I as we have plans for the rest of the evening."
This is the moment I should start to pray.
