Real Life
There were a number of questions in Cloud's mind once he had taken in their surroundings. Where were they? What were they doing there? How long had it been? Why was he in his underwear? Tifa patiently answered every question as he stared at her, incredulous.
The only question she couldn't answer was the how question. How did he suddenly come back after being given a massive overdose?
"I don't know. Maybe Nanaki can explain. I don't really care, Cloud. I thought you were…" She shook her head hard, as if trying to shake the thought from her mind. "I'm just glad it did."
Cloud looked thoughtful as he worked through the stiffness in his limbs, pushing himself to the edge of the bed. He put his feet on the ground and tried to stand, but his legs wobbled and threatened to give out under him. Tifa ducked under his arm and wrapped it around her shoulder, supporting his weight before he fell. He gave her a pained smile, instantly transported back to the boy in Nibelheim – so small and weak, his only wish to be strong so he could impress the girl next door.
Tifa must have read everything on his face, because she gave him a soft smile. "Don't worry, your strength will come back."
He steadied himself and took his arm off her shoulder. He needed to get to the bathroom and would really rather do it on his own. He made his way there and closed the door, leaning on it for a moment to rest. A very uncomfortable thought occurred to him.
When he returned a few minutes later, she was in the living room, straightening some furniture from her short-lived tussle with the intruder. He sat on the couch and watched her in silence. Standing up after fixing the rug, she noticed him and smiled.
"I know it's the middle of the night," she said, "but it's been so long since we've talked and…" She looked embarrassed. "Well, since you've talked. I really don't think I can sleep now. Will you stay up and talk with me for a while?"
Slowly, he nodded. "Yeah."
She sat down next to him and pulled her feet underneath her on the couch. She played with the hair on the back of his head, the mini spikes that would be too long by now if she hadn't kept them trimmed. She'd gotten used to touching him whenever she pleased, but she could see she was making him uncomfortable, so she dropped her hand back in her lap.
Cloud fidgeted nervously, needing to know but unsure how to even bring it up. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "So Tifa, I was just thinking. Did you…umm…how did I uh…shower?"
His whole face was turning pink and he wouldn't make eye contact. His blond spikes were falling over his face, covering his discomfort. It was so adorable that for a moment she considered toying with him for a while, but in the end, she couldn't make him suffer for her own amusement. Not now, anyway.
"It wasn't you," she said, smiling softly. "It was just a shell, and I was taking care of it until you came back. Just like you took care of me when I was hurt."
He turned to look at her, a storm of conflict in the deep blue oceans of his eyes. He didn't see those as the same things at all. "Tifa…you gave up everything to come here and take care of me. I bandaged your wounds and made you soup. Bad soup."
Tifa tried hard to suppress the smile. "It…doesn't matter how bad it was, Cloud."
Cloud didn't react to her teasing. She pushed some hair out of his face. She wanted to see his eyes – eyes that weren't flat and emotionless. She read the emotion in them now and pulled her hand back. "What's wrong?"
He put his head down, digging his hands into the disheveled spikes on top of his head, elbows on his knees. He stared at the floor. That surreal feeling of waking up in a strange place, weakened and disoriented, was fading. It was just starting to hit him, the reality of what had happened. "Tifa…this was the third time."
Tifa looked confused. "The third time? For what?"
He dug his toes into a crack on the wooden floor. "The third time I've been…gone. Out of my head. A damn invalid who needed someone to keep me alive." He pushed up from the couch, turning away from her. He couldn't stand to look at her face, the softness and understanding he knew he would see there, that he didn't deserve. Bitterness colored his voice. "I'm 24 years old, Tifa, and I still can't take care of myself. I'm never going to be…the person I wanted to be."
He didn't hear her come up behind him. He only felt the touch, feather light on his bare back, her fingers tracing lightly around his shoulder blades, down his spine. Slowly, he released the tension in his muscles. Her touch always had that effect on him. She was a soothing balm to his angst.
Tifa saw the muscles of his back quiver and relax. She moved to his shoulders and started to massage them, pushing out the residual stiffness of disuse along with this new tightness. "But," she said softly, "I like the person you are."
I don't. He shrugged her off. "You know, I'm starting to get tired now. We should probably go to bed."
"Oh. O—okay." Tifa tried not to let the disappointment color her voice.
He turned around to look at her. The sadness in his eyes crushed her. She knew that look; she had hoped never to see it again. Her heart cried out against it. No! He's made so much progress! Goddess, just let him be happy, just for a while. He's suffered so much. Without thinking, she reached out to touch his face.
Cloud turned his head away. "You can have the bed tonight. I'll take the couch."
She dropped her hand and swallowed past the lump in her throat. "No. If you don't mind, I'd rather stick with the couch. I like it better." Truthfully, she couldn't bear the thought of going to that bed and lying there without him. And although she would never let him know, she still felt the need to put herself between him and the front door, to protect him.
"Okay. Well, um, goodnight then."
Tifa laid there in the dark, staring at the ceiling, long after he had gone back to the bedroom and the light was turned off.
Despite the short night, Tifa woke up before sunrise and went through her usual routine. By the time the sun peeked over the horizon, she had pulled out her bag and began packing up the few things she'd brought. Cloud, of course, hadn't brought anything but the clothes he was wearing, but she'd purchased some things for him with money Barret had sent from Seventh Heaven. She packed those in her bag as well, and then cleaned up the tiny house.
She hadn't been able to resist peeking in on him. Some tiny part of her was still convinced that she would find him cold and white, one foot in the LifeStream. But when she poked her head in the door, she found him curled up in the blankets, mumbling in his sleep. She smiled, wondering what he was dreaming about, and softly closed the door.
Cloud finally wandered out around 10:00, stretching and yawning and looking more like himself. Tifa looked up from her book. "Breakfast is on the table, Cloud. We can leave as soon as you're ready."
He blinked at her sleepily. "Leave?"
"Yeah. We should get back to Edge. You know, real life." She gave him a tentative smile. "I haven't told anyone you woke up yet, but I think we should just show up and surprise them."
He scratched his head. "Yeah, ok." He still had a hard time imagining that it had been four months since any of them had seen him. They had really all thought him dead? It was hard to wrap his head around. He wandered over to the table, feeling a little more steady this morning. Tifa had made all of his favorite foods, and they were still warm, as if she had known exactly when he would get up.
Once he sat down, he realized he was ravenous. Tifa went back to her book. Cloud piled his plate with everything he could fit, and he watched her while he ate. He wondered how she did it. How did she stay so upbeat when everything was so messed up? The sunlight shone through the window and sparkled on her hair, making it look lighter, making her look younger. He finished his glass of orange juice and smiled slightly. She deserved better. He just had to make her understand.
Thoroughly stuffed, Cloud brought his plate to the sink and started running dishwater in the sink. Tifa came up behind him and grabbed a dishtowel, smiling at him. He washed, she dried, and they fell back into their comfortable roles as if the past 4 months had never happened. The only thing different was their conversation. Despite Tifa's efforts, he didn't remember anything she had told him about Marlene and Denzel, so she filled him in on everything he had missed.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. You left Yuffie in charge of the bar and the kids? Damn, you must have really been desperate."
Tifa forced a smile. She didn't want him to know how difficult that time had been for all of them. He didn't need to know about the strained relationships between Tifa and the kids, her short temper with them, her inability to stay focused on what needed to be done to help everyone move on. So she laughed. "Yeah, well, we were desperately in need of your mechanical skills. The place was falling apart."
Cloud laughed softly. "I'm glad I'm good for something."
Barret had returned to Edge on Tifa's chocobo, and left the truck with her. Besides the obvious comical value of watching the big man trying to ride on a sleek golden bird, Tifa was glad to have the truck to bring Cloud back. He fell asleep an hour into the ride and didn't move for the rest of the time. The trip back took much longer since they were forced to stick to roads and bridges, and it was late at night by the time they made it to Edge.
She pulled into the parking lot and turned off the truck, listening to the ticking of the cooling engine as she got her first good look at home, sweet home. She wasn't impressed. The grass in the front of the building was overgrown, and litter clung desperately to the weeds which had spread unchecked. On the other hand, the parking lot was packed, and that was always a good sign.
She looked over at her sleeping passenger. Even in slumber he looked defeated. She shook his shoulder gently. "Hey Cloud, wake up. We're home."
He sat up and blinked slowly. "Wow, you drove the whole way? I'm sorry Teef, I didn't mean to crash on you like that."
"It's ok. I'm pretty sure you're going to need all the energy you can get once they see you're back." She smiled tentatively. "Ready for this?"
"As I'll ever be." He opened his door and stepped out, stretching his arms over his head. They walked across the parking lot together. She pulled open the heavy door and was immediately pushed back a step by a blast of music. After the initial shock, she gave him a shrug and led him inside.
It was amazing that they could hear anything at all over the music, but an eardrum shattering scream split the air. Yuffie charged at them, hurling herself over tables and knocking over chairs before leaping to wrap her arms and legs around Cloud. He stumbled back under her weight and fell against the door, which had thankfully latched behind them.
Yuffie let herself down and stepped back to look at him. "Damn, kid, you really let yourself go."
Cloud shrugged with a sad smile, and Tifa suddenly remembered her urge to smack Yuffie for her insensitivity. But then the little ninja remembered her excitement. She grabbed Cloud's hands and jumped up and down squealing. "I can't believe you're ok, Cloud! I am so, so, so happy to see you. God, you have no idea how awful it was when everyone thought you were dead! Tifa was all—"
"Yuffie!" Tifa interrupted. "I need your help in the kitchen." She grabbed Yuffie's arm and dragged her in the direction of the swinging door.
"But I just…can't it wait? Cloud just got back and—"
"No, it can't wait," Tifa said firmly.
Pouting, Yuffie allowed herself to be pulled along by her boss.
As the door swung shut behind them, Barret came out from one of the back rooms, looking absolutely ridiculous carrying a dainty platter full of beer mugs. He was anything but graceful, and beer sloshed over the edges of the full mugs as he made his way across the floor. Cloud caught his eye and Barret broke out into a huge grin, setting the entire platter on the nearest table and lumbering over to the door. The gunman picked him up with a giant hug and squeezed the air out of Cloud.
"Damn, am I glad to see you, man! We been worried sick!" He set down the blond and put a heavy hand on his shoulder. "Don't you ever do that to us again, Spiky. It's just…not the same without you."
There was a catch in Barret's voice, and the affection from the most unexpected source caught Cloud off-guard. "I…I'll try not to."
Barret clapped him on the back heartily. Turning to face the bar with a sweep of his arm, he asked, "what do you think of the new Seventh Heaven?"
The place was as packed as the parking lot suggested, and a corner of the room had been converted into a small dance floor, which was full of jamming bodies. On the opposite wall, a man stood behind a half-moon table, dealing cards to a group of customers. They had installed some colored bulbs in the overhead lights, casting the bar with a completely different vibe. Gaia knew where they had even found the undamaged bulbs.
Cloud nodded as he surveyed the room. "It looks great. I hope the boss likes it."
Barret laughed, his booming voice carrying over the room. "If she doesn't, I'm counting on you to talk her into it. Hey!" he said suddenly, grabbing Cloud's arm. "You've gotta go wake up the kids! They're gonna be so thrilled to see you."
Cloud resisted the pull on his arm. "No, we shouldn't wake them. It can wait until morning…"
Barret didn't even notice his token resistance. "Are you kidding? They would kill me if they knew you were home and I didn't wake 'em up." He pulled him through the throng of people, over to the stairs, and finally released him at the bottom. He gave him a gentle nudge. "Don't make me carry you, Spiky."
Hesitantly, Cloud started up the stairs. He wasn't sure how the kids were going to react to him. He hadn't left them intentionally, but the fact remained that he had disappeared for months, and kids were ruled by emotion, not logic.
He pushed open the door, allowing a wedge of light into the dark room. His boots sounded unnaturally loud in the silence of the bedroom. He stood between the two beds, watching the sleeping children. It seemed like they had grown so much in the short time he'd been gone. He knelt next to Denzel's bed, soaking in the peaceful look on his innocent face. Tentatively, he reached out a hand and shook the little boy's shoulder.
Denzel blinked sleepily over at him. "Cloud?...CLOUD!" Immediately awake, he jumped out of bed and engulfed Cloud in a massive hug. "I knew you'd come back!"
Marlene lifted her head at Denzel's shouting. Her eyes grew wide as she took him in. Cloud watched her anxiously. He was nervous about how she would react, considering her stubborn ability to hold a grudge. He needn't have worried. She screamed and hopped out of bed, throwing herself on top of the Cloud-hug pile.
The two kids talked over the top of each other, competing for his attention, mainly chattering about how they'd known all along that he would be back and they were never the least bit worried that he wouldn't wake up.
Hearing all the commotion, Tifa had come upstairs. She leaned against the doorframe on one hip, silently watching the joyful reunion. Cloud was looking back and forth between the kids with that tiny curve at the corners of his mouth, the smile they got most often on the rare occasions that he smiled at all.
After several minutes of overwhelming excitement, Cloud broke in. "Ok guys, don't you think you should be getting back to bed? It's really late."
The kids gaped at him. "You want us to sleep now?" Denzel asked incredulously.
"Yeah!" Marlene piped in. "We're way too excited to sleep now! Let's go down to the bar and tell everyone you're back!"
Tifa spoke up. "Uhm, the bar is pretty busy, guys." Not to mention that it was after midnight and people in the bar tended to be less appropriate in these hours, regardless of whether children were present. She looked at their hopeful faces and softened. "But I suppose we could hang out in the kitchen for a bit. We might still have some ice cream left."
Marlene and Denzel exchanged a look. Yuffie had kept them well stocked in ice cream while they were away, and Barret very rarely vetoed their consumption. They grinned and ducked around Tifa in the doorway, running down the stairs ahead of the adults. Cloud got to his feet and walked slowly toward Tifa. She watched him coming closer, looking for the faint light that had come back into his eyes as he talked to the kids.
He stopped in front of her. "Uh, Tifa?"
"Hmm?" She smiled softly.
Cloud's eyes shifted to the hallway behind her. "Um. Are we going down?"
Startled, Tifa realized that she was staring, and that she was still blocking the doorway. "Oh! Right. Yes, let's go," she said, stepping out of the way.
Cloud was clearly anguished over her demise. He stood in the garage, looking at the mangled body. He knew it was just a bike, but he had spent so many happy hours with her. But there was no question, Fenrir was toast. Even if he had still had the strength to bend it back, he wouldn't be certain of the integrity of the metal. No, he was going to have to start all over.
He pressed the button to open the hidden compartments. At least First Tsurugi was still there, whole and undamaged. He pulled out the six swords and reassembled them into one, fingers moving nimbly over the latches and releases. His own memory may have had more holes than Swiss cheese, but his muscle memory was flawless.
He noticed the compartment at the top, still closed. It was a smaller one he sometimes used to carry things more suited for pockets. He popped it open. The crumbling, delicate heads of flowers poked out. He remembered when he had picked them for Tifa, before the accident, before he had been violently reminded that he could never, and would never be normal. He picked them up carefully. A gust of wind through the garage door scattered the remains of the dried out flowers. He released the stems and watched them twirl and fall apart in the wind.
He sighed, remembering the things he'd meant to tell her that day. If he had stayed that day, insisted on saying what he needed to say, would the past 4 months have been completely different?
In the end, maybe it was for the best. It was the reminder he needed that anything real with him would inevitably be a disaster. He knew the last four months were hard on her, but if it spared her the pain of a lifetime, he was glad that they were past it.
Heavy footfalls warned him of Barret's impending arrival. "Yo, whatcha doin', Spiky? Everyone's inside waiting for you."
He dragged his eyes up to his friend, slinging his sword into the harness on his back. "Yeah. I'm coming."
It was a party for him. Yuffie had gleefully informed him it was a "Hooray – You're Not Dead!" party, and had invited basically everyone who had attended his funeral. He was trying to stand off to the side and observe as usual, but it was really difficult when people kept trying to talk to him. Most of them wanted to know what had happened to him, but he was utterly unhelpful since he didn't remember any of it. All he knew was what Tifa had told him about the man with the white streak. He was disturbingly familiar to Cloud, but he was never able to place him.
He did have an extended conversation with Nanaki about what had been going on in his body – if you could call it a conversation, since Cloud's side consisted mainly of grunts and nods. Red talked about chemical reactions and neutralization and metabolizing parts of the drugs separately and building up immunity and was generally in awe of the S-cells inhabiting Cloud's body. When he was finished, Cloud just said, "Oh." It didn't make much sense to him, but he supposed he could be glad that someone understood his body.
After he had managed to get through all of the necessary conversations, Cloud poured himself some punch in a plastic cup and finally got the chance to sit down at a table to watch and listen. He tried to watch everyone, but he found his eyes kept being drawn back to Tifa. She was in an animated conversation with Yuffie – as most conversations with Yuffie tended to be – and he was mesmerized by the myriad of shifting expressions on her face, the tilt of her head, the crinkles at the corners of her eyes, and the way she was always pushing the hair behind her ear on one side.
He was interrupted by an irritating voice. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Cloud looked over with annoyance at the red-haired man who had joined him at the table. "Excuse me?"
"You got some kind of fear of being happy, Strife? Why don't you just go for it?"
Cloud glared at him and crushed the empty cup in his hand. "Mind your own business, Reno."
As usual, Reno was completely unruffled by Cloud's gruffness. He leaned back and put his feet up on the table, crossing them at the ankles. "Well, you know, apparently this party is supposed to be about you. So you kind of are my business right now. And you're making it pretty damn obvious that you've got it bad for her."
He didn't try to deny it; Turks were masters at reading people, and they'd had more experience than most at studying the likes of Cloud Strife. Instead, he scowled. "It doesn't matter. It won't work."
The Turk chewed on a toothpick. "How do you know that? Have you tried?"
Reno's deceptively simple words got under his skin. "I just…know, ok? Just drop it."
Cloud stood up to throw away the mangled cup in his hand and then escaped outside for some air. He leaned against the brick at the front wall of the bar and crossed his arms, brooding. Despite his irritation, the redhead's words haunted him. Have you tried?
He desperately wished to escape for a drive on Fenrir, some time to sort out his thoughts and get away from all these meddlesome people. But that was not an option any longer. Fenrir was one of a kind; even if he'd had the money, he couldn't just buy another one.
His dark thoughts were interrupted as the door opened to his left. Damn it, why can't they just leave me alone for a few minutes?
But it was Tifa who stepped through the door, and she was probably the only person he could tolerate at the moment. She leaned against the wall next to him, imitating his posture, just standing there silently, letting him work through his thoughts.
Finally, he spoke. "I know I should be in there with everyone, but I just…" he trailed off, unable to find the right words, but it didn't matter. Tifa understood.
She smiled gently. "I know, Cloud. If you want, I can come up with an excuse to tell them. You can go if you need to."
He turned to look at her. The hair that she had been pushing back all night had slipped over her ear again. He pushed it back for her, and then kept his hand on her cheek, wondering how it was possible that someone sane could understand him so well. What had he ever done to deserve someone like her?
Have you tried?
Slowly he leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers and looking into her eyes. "No. I'm not going anywhere." He layered as many meanings into it as he could, knowing she would understand, because she always did.
Tifa's heartbeat sped up. She couldn't remember the last time he had initiated touching her. She had long since accepted that she couldn't have him the way she wanted him. She had spent too long hurting over him, wishing for something that wouldn't happen, and it was a relief to shutter off her heart and give up hope. That was how she kept going. That was how she survived, and stayed strong for everyone else.
In the light of day, with the work that she had to do and the kids to take care of, it seemed logical. Responsible. Reasonable. Safe.
But when she thought she had lost him, she had been forced to admit that he was far more important to her than a childhood friend. More important than her comrade-in-arms, her roommate, and her unofficial co-adoptive partner.
She brought up her hand and laced her fingers through the back of his hair. His thumb gently stroked her bottom lip and she allowed her mouth to open slightly. She watched his eyes, looking to her lips, back to her eyes. It was still so exhilarating to see them reacting, to see understanding and emotion behind them.
His thumb moved down to her chin and tilted her face up, his eyes closing. He kissed her lips gently, then pulled her in deeper, opening her mouth wider, catching her upper lip between his, tongue gently probing.
An unfamiliar voice floated through his mind. I want to see you hurt the ones you care about most.
Cloud pulled back with a jerk, leaving a cold space where his body had been against hers. Tifa started to fall forward, catching herself on the wall before she landed on her face. She blinked in confusion. "Cloud?"
His eyes were tightly squeezed shut, his face contorted. Anger? Frustration? She didn't know. She reached for his arm but he pulled away.
"Fuck!" he cursed. He buried his face in his hands, rubbing it roughly. He refused to look at her. "Tifa. We can't. I…I'm sorry." Without offering any further explanation, he stood up straight and walked past her, back into the bar.
Tifa slouched against the wall. Damn it, Cloud, will I ever understand you?
