The Master's Journal

I hate you, I hate you so much. I hate you're smile, I hate your brilliance, I hate that you abandoned me, I hate that you find yourself someone knew. I hate you so bad.

I love you. I love when you talked to me, I love when we were best mates, I love when we talked and laughed and joked together. I love the past more then I hate you.

I hate that I love the past more then now. It makes me hate you more. I hate you so bad it hurts. I want to kill you. I want you to feel like I did when you left me behind, when you found that new friend and didn't have time for me anymore. I hate that I want you to burn like me. I hate the drums in my head. I hate that you have nothing for me. I hate that you feel pity and feel sorrow and feel bad for me. I hate you so much.

I love that you want to help me, but I'm sorry because I can't accept it, your help I mean. I hate that I don't want you to help me, hate that you want to be there for me, to help me get better. I hate that I feel like a tool that is being used. I hate that you care, and that you don't care. I want you to feel pain and horror because of what you've done to me. I hate you, I hate your family, I hate your excuses, I hate that you ran from the war. I hate that you left me behind. My soul burns with the hating.

I love that we used to be the best of friends, that now we are arch enemies. I love that you can map out are relationship and it looks like a roller coaster, one that shoots downward for fifty feet and never climbs back up.

Sometimes I wish I didn't hate you so much because then I could be your friend again. You'll never accept me back though, not after what I've done to you. The funny thing is, you don't hate me. You would forgive me given the chance, that would tear me to pieces. I don't think that I could live with you having forgiven me, I've done to much. Don't you ever think that for one second this is all your fault, that I am an evil mastermind, that I want to kill you and rule the world and make it so you can never forget me? Do you ever think, that for one second, you could have prevented all of this? No. Of course you don't. You need humbling, and that is my goal now, to humble you. Bring you to your knees, make you see that you did all of this, you left me behind, after years of friendship. Did you really think you could throw that away, throw that away and have me not do anything? Well you're wrong, and now I'm in charge, I'm in control, and you're scared of me, and that feels good. Do you miss me yet? Do you? Do you wonder what happened to me? Because you shouldn't, you did this, not me. You made me see that trusting people is what gets you hurt. No. No more. No more from anyone, and do you see? Do you see it yet? Do you see your fault? Do you see my desperateness?

This is a charade, a cry for help, from you. But no one sees it. No one. Not even Lucy sees it. She doesn't see that this is all a game, just a game, for YOU. No, no one will ever see it because I won't let them. It's horrific, shameful, and unrealistic.

I HATE YOU DOCTOR. I WANT YOU TO DIE! I WANT YOU TO FEEL THIS PAIN THAT YOU CAUSED ME, YET YOU'LL NEVER FEEL IT WILL YOU? I HATE YOU WITH BOTH OF MY HEARTS. And I don't feel a thing.

I close my journal, tears flowing down my face, and I sob silently. Hate, love. What is the difference if you feel them both? He was my friend, and he just left me here, by myself. God I hate him so much. The inner turmoil is tearing me to shreds, why can't he see what I see, why can't he hear the lies? Maybe the fee's to pricy for him to realize. My disguise is slipping, I think I'm slipping away. I wipe my cheeks, feeling the salty tears dry quickly. I am putting myself through Hell, and for what? The Doctor? No. This is for me, proof that I no longer am sane. I shove the leather bound book under my bed and curl up in the fetal position, sobbing. Strangled cries tear themselves from my throat as I hug my pillow to my chest.

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." I sob quietly, feeling the hole of loss start to grow bigger. "I hate you." I cry one more time before closing my eyes. My body is exhausted from the overload of emotions, my tears stop and I slip blissfully into sleep, dreaming of the old days, when him and I would race along the red pastures of grass, back when everything was bright and shiny. I slip away, scheming, planing, and sleeping. Sleeping.


Hello everyone, Time Lord Victorious here. Been a long time hasn't it? Gosh do I feel bad. I've been busy. Writing another fanfiction. Not for Doctor Who, for Sherlock. A brilliant show that I highly suggest to anyone who is feeling like they should watch more TV. Honestly, it's a brilliant show. I just watched Utopia and this is where I got it from. I could see him, hating the Doctor, because he does. The Master and Doctor relationship is fascinating. It's very complex and complicated, but I think this captures it well. Maybe I'm being too proud of my work. I do like the monologue journal entry though, maybe I could use it when I try out for plays and such? Tell me what you think. Been a while and again you have my humble apologize.

Mischief Managed

-P