CHAPTER 9 - Mireille and Chloe
Mireille sat staring toward her computer's display; arms folded, legs crossed, trying to contain both her uncontrollable need to see Chloe and her bursting desire to share the bold plans she had in mind for their future. Kirika had wordlessly slipped from the room minutes ago to bathe and Mireille, now in relative solitude, felt the void left by Chloe's unexplained absence all the more.
She brought her gaze down and to her right, eying the empty spot alongside her chair which had become her companion's expected, albeit strange, familiar roost. Now separated against her choosing, she understood the feeling her partner tried to describe during their southward trek into the valley- She realized that in some way it felt as though Chloe helped sustain her life too.
At last, apartment door locks snapped open and Mireille found herself already standing, teeming with anticipation. Her prima ballerina stepped around the corner and into view: satisfying Mireille's eyes, softening her mood, and robbing her ability to do anything with composure or dignity.
She tried to release some of her feelings, voice her relief, but only managed to sputter embarrassing nonsense. "I was... I- You're back-" she stopped herself from subjecting Chloe to further incoherence. The endearing imp always managed to bring out the fool in her, Mireille knew.
Chloe gave a fleeting smile in response as she continued into the living area and stopped at the billiard table. She deposited a small paper bag and then set Mireille's handbag also onto the green felt. She glanced again toward Mireille with a sheepish, almost apologetic look.
The apprehension Mireille felt upon waking alone resurfaced as she took notice of Chloe's awkwardness. She now began to fear that her irrational worries could be well-founded. The girl appeared bothered, insecure; her arms were drawn in unusually close and her neck looked too rigid.
Mireille spent most of her life maintaining a near-clinical distance between her feelings and the feelings of others: a tactic that kept her heart safe from torment; always an observer rather than an affected participant. But Chloe's feelings always seemed to sneak past those defenses- even back during their shocking reintroduction at the sidewalk cafe- and now the girl's visible disquiet elicited something powerful, almost maternal, which Mireille felt driving her to both understand her partner's problem and to find a solution.
Not sure what could be troubling her girl, she decided to use caution and proceed slowly. She tried an easy opening for the conversation, stating the obvious, "So, you went shopping."
Chloe seemed to freeze at the sound of the sentence. She rolled her lips in as if trying to stifle herself. She eventually gave a quick nod as her only reply.
"What did you get?"
Chloe's eyes flitted to the side, seemingly to avoid Mireille's scrutiny. Her mouth moved a little but she withheld any verbal response.
Mireille's concern grew with the girl's atypical loss for words so she tried again to elicit a few from the other. "Well, I hope you at least got yourself something to eat since we missed your dinner last night."
Chloe swallowed. She shook her head and looked down as if ashamed at her answer.
"You haven't eaten in more than eighteen hours- you're going to lose that little bit of fat and muscle we managed to put on you." Mireille realized she had begun to scold and stopped herself. She opted instead to say something constructive and keep her tone kind, so she presented a smile and said, "That means we can go out somewhere together for lunch- and you can make up for those missed calories with something drenched in batter and deep fried." She further sweetened the proposal, adding something she knew her properly sated Chloe would look forward to. "Once I have you sufficiently stuffed we'll come back here and take a long nap."
"That sounds fine." Chloe seemed to want to smile, but her posture remained rigid.
Mireille advanced, approaching slowly, reassessing the situation as she went. She still read trepidation in her partner and the other seemed stubbornly silent about whatever the issue was. Growing impatient, she jumped to a direct approach and asked, "What's wrong?"
Chloe looked away as if to hide her readable expression from Mireille's view. She shook her head and said, "Nothing is wrong."
Mireille's smile faded. She now felt certain that Chloe's silence had to do with what happened between them the night before. She decided the issue needed immediate resolution before any further misunderstanding could sprout from it. She acknowledged her own bashfulness about the topic and figured it was also what kept Chloe so tight-lipped, so she chose to direct the tone of discussion to a safer place; behind the façade of their profession.
She kept her voice gentle but authoritative, stating, "Keeping things secret from your partner can create avoidable danger. There should be no one you can trust more than them."
Chloe said flatly, "You kept a secret from me."
Mireille almost winced at the reply but managed to keep the reaction hidden. She faced the fact that they had never truly concluded that disagreement and decided to clear the air by explaining everything as it happened; "It was Garnier who gave that to me. My first instinct was to tell you... and I was about to- not even an hour after I first found out. It was right before we were ambushed."
Chloe gave a perfunctory nod.
Mireille reached forward to cup Chloe's shoulders, to urge her to face to her more directly. "Then things got complicated... and I got selfish." Mireille inched forward to close the remaining distance between them. "We were both so happy after... I didn't want to ruin it. I was scared you would leave."
She draped her arms over Chloe's shoulders and clasped her hands to form loose circle. Intimate gestures of affection felt gawky and new to her, but she ignored her discomposure and instead tried to refine the clumsy act into a suave maneuver. She leaned in close to bring her body into gentle contact with Chloe's and managed to choke-out the explanation, "I-I have trouble letting go of things I adore."
Chloe rotated a few degrees within Mireille's loose embrace so that mostly her left side touched the center of Mireille's body, limiting the contact between them to a narrow strip.
Mireille half-chuckled at the awkward move, "We won't worry about interruptions this time. No more complications- you can relax."
She tried to reestablish the conversation's previous course and get to the heart of her partner's obvious trouble. She sweetened her voice further to goad an answer from Chloe. "So tell me what's on your mind."
"It really is nothing," Chloe said.
"Just tell me. I'm going to keep you captive until you do." She closed her arms tighter and drew Chloe's rigid body square against her. Something with hard corners pressed through Chloe's jacket, jutting into the left side of Mireille's abdomen, surprising her with the unexpected sensation. She released her hold and pulled back. "What's this?"
Chloe seemed to deflate. Her shoulders sank a few centimeters and she appeared to resign, finally losing her apprehensiveness altogether.
Mireille observed the rectangular outline of a flat, rigid object beneath Chloe's jacket. She reached to touch it.
Chloe covered the hidden item, blocking Mireille's attempt with her right forearm as though reflexively shielding an injury. She looked away. She gulped. Her face shaded with a subtle blush.
Mireille's curiosity grew stronger. She wondered if her girl slipped out that morning to buy her a gift. The notion sent a thrill through her chest. In recent years, most presents and favors given to her had transparent, ulterior purposes- genuine gifts had been given to her only rarely. She smirked and said, "There's no sense in keeping it from me, whatever it is- It isn't hidden any longer."
After a moment of hesitation, Chloe reached into her jacket to pull out a book. Her head seemed to slump in shame as she offered it; surrendering the secreted item to Mireille.
She accepted the book and turned it around to glance at the title. She instantly felt her complexion heat and redden to match Chloe's. That same book had held her curiosity more than a few times while browsing, but she never could summon the nerve to pick it up, let alone present it to a store clerk in order to purchase it.
She swallowed. Once again, she found herself stammering, "I-It's... I mean it's not really..." She stopped further escalating her embarrassment by keeping her mouth sealed until she felt certain she could produce coherent sentences.
Chloe started to inch away.
Mireille reached out to re-center her, hold her squarely in her gaze. She tried to reassure, "No, it's okay. It's... There's nothing wrong with-"
Still blushed with visible mortification, Chloe drifted free. She circled to the other side of the billiard table. She paused for a moment to contact Mireille's eyes with an apologetic air, then turned, and sank out of view.
Mireille followed to find Chloe sitting in her spot on the floor next to the chair as expected. She had come to understand in their weeks together that Chloe enjoyed luring her and seemed very gratified just from being sought and followed.
She seated herself, assuming her usual position next to her partner, trying to bring the solace of normalcy that she knew Chloe must have been seeking given the parade of commotions throughout the past several days. She made an effort to remain patient and let the discussion unfold on the other's terms despite the heavy presence of the difficult-to-address erotic how-to manual now cloaked once again inside Chloe's jacket.
Her patience was soon rewarded as Chloe made the first move by reaching and gently grasping the inside of Mireille's pant leg.
The contact brought Mireille to look toward her partner.
Chloe gazed blankly forward. After a moment, she said, "I couldn't fall asleep last night. I wanted to... but I also didn't want to- You hardly moved through the whole night. You kept hold of me, held me close. It was the first time I had known you to be completely at peace... and it was exquisite that I could be there to see it." She continued, "As I listened to your breaths, your heartbeat... I knew peace as well. I knew safety.
Now that you want... now that we're-" She swallowed, seeming to have difficulty before continuing, "I realized that I'm..." She eventually forced out her explanation, saying, "I'm afraid."
Mireille's stomach began to sink. It seemed clear that her intuition had been correct and she had forced them both into something their relationship might not be ready to handle. She closed her eyes and said, "I'm sorry."
After a moment, Chloe said, "You've done nothing wrong. You don't need to apologize."
Mireille opened her eyes and absorbed the uncomfortable sight of Chloe's readable disquiet. She decided to set things straight by saying what was on her mind, "I do- I pushed things too far... It may have been too soon. I'm sorry."
Chloe looked up. Her eyes locked to Mireille's as she said, "I submitted myself to you, and I did so gladly- I welcome your every touch... I have no misgivings."
Mireille's mind eased a little as she heard Chloe's stalwart declaration but she knew that the issue ran deeper than her partner admitted. She showed a smile and said, "We can figure things out on our own, together. You shouldn't be up all night, afraid. And you didn't need to buy... what you bought."
Chloe released a tired sigh. She looked away. "I was to become Noir- with her. I looked forward to that for as long as I could remember. But I found myself disappointed. It wasn't turning out like I thought it would... and I wasn't sure how to handle it, didn't know what to do.
With you though, we've truly become Noir... And it really is as I always dreamed, as I always wanted." She paused and then offered a meek confession, "But I'm even less prepared this time than I was before." Her body leaned against the side of Mireille's calf. Her fingers crept up to rest on the top of Mireille's thigh. She caressed through the twill of Mireille's slacks as she said, "I never trained to be a girlfriend; I never fully understood that would be part of it all, but now I see it would have to be- There can be no pairing closer than the true Noir." She swallowed. "I'm... I'm outclassed by you in many ways. This is yet another. I'm worried that I won't please you... and you'll have to find what you need from someone else."
Mireille closed her eyes and said, "That's nonsense."
Chloe's tone remained grave. "Now everything is perfect and complete- Except for me, except for my part." She rested her cheek against the side of Mireille's knee. "And it crushes me that I disappointed you- That I'll disappoint you again and again."
Mireille shrugged off the notion. "You haven't. You won't."
After a moment, Chloe said, "I think it is too sudden. Too sudden for you- That's why you mention it."
Chloe's idea brought Mireille to question herself. Had she done it to satiate her own desire? To control the other? To coerce Chloe into a firm attachment? Or even to prove to herself that Kirika could never have been to her what Chloe had become?
Her heart began to accelerate a little. She relived the fleeting moments of their coupling: she remembered Chloe's slippery skin gliding against her own, she tasted the delicious essence of Chloe's kiss among the suds, she recalled Chloe's arms clamped around her, she reminisced of sounds of Chloe purring, her stifled grunts, her shuddering as her body released at the command issued by Mireille's fingertips- she knew that nothing more than honest, innate lust for her girlfriend had been her driving force.
She reached out, laced her fingers into Chloe's burgundy locks, and ran them through in a firm caress. "I have no regrets either," Mireille explained. "I want to know that I'm not making you... that you're not doing something for my sake."
"Everything I do is for your sake," Chloe said plainly. "You must do everything for my sake or I wouldn't be here, alive." She added, "It is who we have become to each other."
Mireille smirked, amused by the elegant simplicity of the facts as Chloe stated them. She quipped, "I suppose that means we make a perfect Noir then."
"She was only half-right yesterday."
"What about?"
"She said that Noir is all that matters to me- That isn't the case." Chloe clung tighter around Mireille's leg as she continued, "Even now, I remember your face from the final moments of our fight. As I charged closer to finish you, I saw you weren't afraid; you weren't even angry like I was. Instead, you were strong, ready for me, defiant; willing to let me try to take you because you already knew I couldn't. Even if I had cut you into quarters I could never win against you- Your face said that.
You came there without any intent to kill; you knew you could have everything your way without having to hurt anybody. You had authority, power- you were born with it. Among the three of us it was obvious- you were in charge.
In that instant, I saw myself differently. I understood that I had been bettered. I recognized who the strongest sapling really was: You found your way there, you came to get something, and you would not let anything stand in your way, even the best of Les Soldats- and you faced all of it by yourself.
You had never needed anyone's help. I realized that was the reason she had chosen you over me... and rightly so.
That had me captivated- you had me captivated. The entire world shrank to just you and me for that moment. And I felt ashamed. I felt like a rank upstart. I wanted to turn and hide, but my momentum kept me going forward, toward my fate. I felt like I was already defeated.
I didn't see her coming.
It stung white-hot. Everything went dim. It hurt so much I couldn't move. Then the heat turned to ice. It put my body to sleep. My mind was eager to follow, to escape the agony. I finally understood the mistakes I'd made... I wasn't sad any longer. I let go. Everything went dark. Then I felt warm all over; I felt relief and calm; a sort of bliss."
Mireille fought to keep her escalating emotions under control. She hated to think of Chloe's agony, she hated to relive another moment of explicit tragedy in her mind- she hated the waste of it all. As much as she disliked the details of Chloe's tale of misery a part of her thirsted to hear more; eager to understand as much as possible. She knew that if Chloe wanted to talk, then to reveal her own upset would deny the girl her needed outlet. She maintained her composure.
In a gesture that felt inexplicably second-nature, she leaned a little forward and reached to caress the back of Chloe's neck and shoulder as she patiently waited to see if her special girl wanted to share more.
Chloe looked up and showed an appreciative smile for the offered affection.
Mireille grinned back and gave another supportive stroke, completing the silent conversation, knowing that she had wordlessly given what Chloe most wanted.
Chloe's eyelids sank shut. Her voice seemed a little sleepy as she continued her account. "It was always peaceful there at night, but it was too much so when I woke. I was all alone- I could feel it- but I searched for you anyway. I hoped to find some trace that would help me find you, reach you. I had to crawl; my body wasn't cooperating. I felt too drained to move. It seemed to take a long while, but I found the trail of bodies that you left and I followed it.
It ran far and it ran deep; into places I was never allowed to enter; places considered too sacred, as I remembered. I found shelves of quires I had never before read, I saw tapestries so faded and arcane I didn't recognize their motifs, and I pulled myself past altars stained with the wax from countless thousands of candles.
I stayed hopeful though; the sconces in the corridors down there were still burning- I knew it hadn't been that long. I followed their light deeper. Everything was so unfamiliar that I was no longer certain where I was. I wondered if I was a ghost; I wondered if the bodies I passed had souls that had been freed but mine was trapped, doomed to stay alone in that old, dead place. As I went farther I felt even weaker; I kept having to stop, to rest.
Finally I had come to a place where I knew your touch had been heavy. I found brass from your gun. I found a few of your hairs snagged in a crevice of the flagstone. I started to feel stronger.
In that place was a body- one of one of the acolytes. I knew her face but no longer knew her name. I saw the beauty of a perfect, merciful wound in the center of her chest. I knew it had to be from you."
Chloe clutched Mireille's leg tighter as she twisted and fussed with her free arm to pull something from a front pocket of her jeans. She produced a patina-hazed disc and gave it a fond smile as she exhibited it for Mireille's scrutiny.
Mireille recognized the medallion's emblem immediately: the same from the lid of her father's watch; the same from the walls of the smoldering village in the foothills; the same bas relief of kneeling swordswomen that she knew to represent Noir and the Soldats.
"She had this around her neck. It lay just above that hole you made," Chloe explained. "I'd seen this everywhere, over and over again for as long as I could remember. I had grown so accustomed to seeing it that I never thought about what it meant, who they were, who they were supposed to be. I had always assumed they represented Noir.
But I realized they aren't Noir at all. They are something deeper, more timeless; something sublime- archetypes as unceasing in meaning as any other ancient deity: left and right; modern and ancient; urban and pastoral; secular and devout; spring and autumn; sun and moon... you and me.
It became my new faith. I took it. I had to have it- I could keep you closer to me; I wouldn't be alone. All the times that I was too tired to walk, I slept with you against my chest, to heal me, to protect me. You watched over me for my whole journey to Paris."
Chloe held the medal with her thumb mostly covering the relief of the shorter-haired maiden on the right half, seeming to emphasize her focus on the longer-haired depiction on the left half. "Sometimes, I would talk to you," Chloe said, her tone becoming uneven, sounding uncomfortable about sharing the details. "I practiced what I would say and the different ways that I could apologize. Some days you would accept it, some days you would reject it. On the hardest days, you would just ignore me- But I knew if I tried hard enough I could succeed and you would give me a chance."
Chloe's voice gained some strength as she declared, "Noir is not all that matters to me. It matters because it's about us, together. Noir means that we have to choose- And I want to be the one you would choose.
I realize now how inconsiderate I've been: for me, we've never been apart since that night- I've disregarded how much newer this partnership is for you than it is for me."
Mireille decided to speak from her heart and admit her fault to Chloe and to also herself. She felt her voice break a little, betraying her emotions as she said, "I've been bossing you around ever since you came to me. I've been putting my own wishes ahead of everything else- I'm the inconsiderate one."
Chloe shook her head. "You always know what to do, what needs to be done. I like that- I... I-I need that. I had plenty of time to understand my feelings. You didn't even know I was alive until a couple of weeks ago- I should have considered that you would need at least the same time I did.
Giving you what you want is what I care most about- Noir is my means to that end. If you want a girlfriend then I will not allow myself to disappoint you- I want you to feel as blessed as I do."
Mireille rose a little from her seat and gave a nudge to the chair, gently gliding it out of the way on its casters, clearing the floor next to Chloe. She sank to wrap her arms around her partner. She held her tight, stroked her back, and cooed, "You're a good girl. Of course you won't disappoint me. You're such a good girl..." She felt Chloe melt within her arms and she knew she had given the kind of appreciation that her girl most craved.
To Mireille, their souls attached and clung tight like complimentary magnets. The personal chemicals of their scents and tastes combined into mixtures both luscious and intoxicating. On every level, from animal to spiritual, she knew they paired well. She knew then that nothing had happened too soon. She embraced Chloe tighter and basked in the glow of obvious, wonderful truth- she had found her mate.
She felt the now familiar corners of the hidden book pressing between them and smiled. She half-whispered, "Save that book. Let's find some time to look through it together- soon."
She felt Chloe plant a kiss on the side of her neck.
She brought herself to release the rest of the truth in a lower whisper, "Because I don't need any more time. Because I know what my feelings are."
She felt Chloe's back heave a little. She heard a brief sniffle behind her shoulder.
Still stroking Chloe's back, she decided the time was right to share her plan. "We're going to leave Paris."
Chloe seemed to stiffen a little at the news but soon relaxed again. "Forever?"
"I think so."
Mireille felt Chloe's lips on the side of her neck again, wordlessly communicating her concordance through a small kiss. "Where are we going?"
"To Corsica; to my home." Mireille said. "That land won't lay fallow any longer- that place is my birthright... I'm taking it back."
"Yes," Chloe whispered and placed another kiss.
Mireille swallowed. She pushed herself to bring up the trickiest part of her proposal for their future. "She's very sick, you know... We have to take her with us."
Chloe kissed Mireille's shoulder through her shirt. "Alright."
Mireille felt some relief. "I'm glad you understand."
Chloe pressed forward, easing Mireille backward to lie against the floor.
Mireille felt Chloe lower and settle upon her. She released a purr as she felt Chloe's mouth capture hers and hold on through a languid kiss.
Chloe broke away after an immeasurable interval, leaving both of them gasping to catch their breaths. "You chose me- Yes, I understand."
