I know this took forever, and I'm sorry for that, but lately my brain just doesn't seem to want to function right. I mean I go down to work but nothing is coming. But I think I'll be fine soon. So I made this one longer, yay.
Thank you for all the reviews, favs, and alerts. Especially big thank you to one reader (maddie) that suggested someone shirtless and someone jealous, that actually made the chapter way better.
Anywhoz, as always the sparkly vampire tale does not belong to me.
Seek Not My Heart— For Now
On the news with Alec
The fates certainly do loath my very being.
Why did she have to choose to stay? She couldn't have gone back to her Cullen's, or want to live as a nomad. No, she had to want to stay here as a guard member for hundreds, thousands, or more years.
The sad part about it is that most of me was extremely happy that she chose to stay. The rest that I let take over was mad. Mad that she would stay and make me continue to feel whatever it is I feel for her. Mad, more so, at myself for caring.
Weak…weak….weak…
I told her she was which I knew wasn't true, it was the only way to hurt her. I'm the weakling, the one that takes the cowardly route every time with her. So my way of making her stay away from me was to hurt her, and I did. And it also hurt me. But distance was good to me.
I was only in my room for two hours, twenty three minutes, and forty six seconds before my sister swooped in.
"Stop being so foolish." She yelled.
I had no idea of what she was speaking of and told her so.
"Of Bella, you keep giving these mixed signals. One minute you're her… I guess friend, then the next your call her things that are positively untrue. She's like a sister to me and I don't want anyone hurting her, especially you." Jane said calmly, and then very lightly said, I think she was saying it to herself, but I heard. "You more than anyone shouldn't even be able to do what you are."
Now I was confused, what could she possibly mean? Why shouldn't I be able to do what I am? Does she know about the pull and the pain?
"What did you mean that I shouldn't be able to do what I am?" I asked her; abruptly she looked like a deer trapped by a set of headlights. "Well?" I asked impatiently.
"It's nothing, really brother it's nothing." She said while shaking her head wildly.
"It does not really seem like nothing, Jane."
"Umm, I just meant since you are my brother you would at least be nice to my best friend." She quickly explained.
"I don't mean to be rude to her." I said looking away.
"Then why do you glare, avoid, or ignore her. It kind of seems that you are intentually being rude."
I thought about what she said and had to admit she was right, I was being rude. "Would it be better if I apologies to her?"
"Only if you won't continue being rude to her. It is either being her friend or just staying away." That was all she left me with before she walked away.
Weren't those always the choices? Speaking or avoiding?
It all would have been better had she just left.
If I chose to avoid and ignore her for the rest of time maybe her very being would disappear from my mind. Maybe the force that pushed me her way would be gone. I doubted that though, since she would still be around and she never disappeared even when she came and gone the first time, neither did the pull.
I knew I wouldn't be able to stay away anyway, I've already tried unsuccessfully. But could I continue letting her take my own control away without even knowing it.
I could talk to her for a time, see how things go. I didn't care to have friends, maybe because I never had any…never knew I wanted any. But she…she was someone I wanted to get to know… for some reason someone I needed to get to know.
The fates certainly do loath my very being.
Maybe, having a companion won't be bad. For once in my life, I hoped.
Hoping for what, I didn't know. Whether we could be companions, whether it ended badly so I could stay away from her? I didn't know.
I wished she would have just left, despite the twist it caused my dead organ from that thought.
For now we would be friends, and if I don't believe things are looking good avoidance will have to be the next route. At least this would keep Jane happy for a time being.
Apologies would have to be made first, so leaving my room I began my search for Bella. Not finding her in her room or with anybody else, I made my way towards my sanctum maybe find her later.
She was there gazing through the pond creating invisible patterns across the water, completely oblivious and singing. I felt shattered by her haunting voice and song. Someone like her should never look so broken hearted, so lost.
She finally realized she wasn't alone when I answered her own self question. I didn't exactly apologize; it was just something I ever did. Never have I been wrong, well until she came along.
I made up the excuse as to why I found her weak. If anything she was the strong one, the one who could let people in without fear. I never feared anything, but she makes me.
I fear knowing her; I fear the power she can have. But there is something that I fear that I don't even know what it is; this whole new feeling that makes me feel human. I can't stand it, yet I thrill on it.
Have I ever really felt human? One time, just like all of us, I was alive. Most vampires say their memories of those times are practically nonexistent, but I can remember almost all of the horrific things.
Jane and I grew in a time when anyone and everyone had been our enemies, when a home was a lonely cell but outside was bloody nightmares. Anyone and everyone, anywhere and everywhere we were always treated the same.
Anyway, even the time we were alive, I never felt it. Numb, maybe. Maybe not, I always felt the pain that to me was worse than the transformation.
I was glad Bella took me from my thoughts; times like those should stay where they belong.
She really was something else. She seemed to be a romantic yet a realist, what with her favorite book it seemed that way. I figured girls loved happy endings all the time, once again she proved me wrong. She was right though, when do happy endings ever really happen?
Something in me felt happy that she and Cullen weren't anything anymore. I knew that boy was not her true mate. I moved closer to her without even knowing it really, but I suppose something in me wanted to touch her again especially now she isn't with anyone.
Before I could ask her anything else, Jane was running through the halls yelling that Bella had guests. I was upset that someone interrupted our time, but left her without a word because I shouldn't have felt that.
Turned out the guests were some Cullen's and some wolf. I don't know what it was but I didn't like that wolf anywhere near Bella. Some type of protective urge, yet it also felt like anger and envy. I don't know, but she wasn't his to touch.
Mine, the beast in me kept growling territorially.
I don't know, but I decided to ignore it. Not think about it. Or her.
At least for now.
Back to you Bella
You can do this, you can do this, you can do this…It's probably not him; he has no reason to see you… The chanting that I created wasn't really helping. If anything I was getting more nervous.
My hands ghosted over the handle of the throne room doors, slightly shaking. The rest of my body still as a statue, I wasn't even breathing. Luckily, I was alone in the corridor that led to this door; everyone was waiting for me on the other side, including my guest or guests.
Everyone left me to myself when I made up the excuse that I needed to change my shoes. For some reason Jane and Felix fell for it, while Alec simply left after hearing his sister calling for me. He didn't even say 'goodbye', not a single word, just simply left and that hurt.
So here I stood just hoping that my visitor, or visitors, was someone that I was ready to see and face. Earlier I had thought seeing Edward would be okay, but at this moment I realized I was far from ready to see him. I may no longer love him like I used to, but the pain of what he did and all of the things he said still caused me pain. It all hurts less every day; especially when I'm around Alec, but I'm not ready for him to put himself back into my life.
Please don't be Edward, please don't be Edward…
Taking a deep breath, I released it the same time as I pulled one door open. I continued my chanting as I took a step forward then another, but abruptly stopped when I smelt something terrible. A woodsy pine smell that was way to strong mixed with dirt and…wet dog.
Looking up from the marble floors while raising a hand to cover my nose, I looked around for the source of the grotesque scent, really confused as to who or what could smell so badly. But all at once the smell didn't even matter. Nothing else was around as I took in my best friend, Jacob.
Before even I knew what was going on my arms were wrapped around my once upon sun. I felt my mouth widely spreading into a huge smile. His long arms encircled me and lifted me from the ground just like old times. And just like then, he was still shirtless which I would have to question him about since they probably went on an airplane.
"Bells, look at you all red-eyed and creepy looking." Jacob laughed as he spun us around, his old smile spread widely on his face.
"Oh, Jake, I missed you…" Before I could say anything else, a growl ricocheted through the room and startled us from our reunion. I looked around and noted that Alice and Jasper were also here, but I wanted to find who growled first before going to them.
My eyes landed on a very…jealous Alec. I stared at him confused, shocked, and flattered, for a little while before patting, an also confused Jacob, and motioning for him to put me down. Some were looking at Alec like he lost his marbles, while others like Aro, Marcus, Jane, and surprisingly Alice and Jasper just had knowing smiles on their faces. Great, more people to know something that I don't, I thought.
Alec looked ready to skewer Jake over a giant bon fire, while rotating him slowly to get him really crispy. Luckily, he didn't seem like he was going to act on the thought. He abruptly looked like he was upset with himself.
I had the urge to go to him, and tell him that Jacob was nothing but a friend. I wanted to hold him while I told him that I only belonged….to…..him. A bigger wave of confusion and shock swept through me at that thought.
There was no way. No way… There was no possible way…
But yet, it all made sense, everything I felt for him from the very beginning of my arrival. The pull, the thoughts of nothing other than him, all the feelings, everything. His touches that set me alight, his words and voice that echo through my mind, his actions that always hurt and all at once make me feel as if I'm soaring. Him simply just being in the same room, even if he won't acknowledge me, makes me content.
I wanted to belong to Alec.
A huge weight was lifted from my mind as I had my epiphany. It all just made sense now. It scared me though, to feel this way with someone so soon; to feel something stronger than I have ever felt with someone I didn't really know.
Abruptly my mind and heart pushed all those thoughts away. I couldn't…no, I wouldn't fall for someone who wouldn't love me back. And Alec couldn't have feelings for me, could he?
I looked at Alec again, but his face went to being cold and emotionless. He wasn't looking at anyone, just staring through the wall. I had no idea what to do though, I wanted to figure out why he would be jealous by Jacob but I also wanted to keep my distance for now.
Only a minute or two passed as I thought and Alice being Alice had to get my attention by leaping at me, almost causing us to fall to the ground.
"Bella, are you glad to see us?" She asked all the while clinging on to my neck, and never giving me the chance to answer. "The big dog wanted to see you and make sure you were okay, sooo I took it upon myself to fix a vacation to Italy as a surprise. So surprise!"
"Yeah, you guess really did surprise me, more so Jake being here than anything. Hey, Jasper it's good to see you." I said as I gave him a hug.
"You know that is somethin' I've been wantin' to do for a long while." He said as we parted. "Now, tell me 'bout this new boy that's fawning over my lil' sister." He whispered flicking his gaze towards Alec.
I lightly punched Jasper on the arm telling him to 'shut up' to which he chuckled.
"So how long do you plan on staying?" I asked looking between them.
"A few days, I still have wolf duties to attend to." Jacob answered looking around the room a bit warily.
"That's great, by the way how'd you get Sam to let you leave?"
"Well, since no leeches have been around, he figured I can leave for a few then get double the patrols. And since some of your bloodsuckers wanted to see you, he figured I'd be alright if I traveled and stuck with them."
"Jake, you didn't have to leave if it meant more work; a phone call would have sufficed." I scolded him. Not even bothered by his nicknames for vampires, but it seemed like others were by all the hissing and growls.
"Same all Bells." He laughed.
"Bella," Alice groaned, "how can you be a Volturi member and still have no fashion sense? Haven't I taught you anything?" She asked shaking her head.
"Alice, just because I'm a vampire doesn't mean I love to shop. Plus I love my clothes, they're comfortable." I mumbled.
"Introductions, dear Bella." Aro spoke reminding us others were around.
I nodded and began, "Well, most of you know Alice Cullen my sister, this is her mate Jasper Hale or Whitlock my brother, and this is my best friend who is a wolf Jacob Black."
"Like the Children of the Moon?" Caius sneered. Geez, Caius always the charmer.
"Those exist?" I asked.
"Yes, the werewolves change during a full moon. Does that happen with your friend?" Aro asked curiously.
"Umm, no we can transform anytime we want." Jacob answered.
"Nah, these dogs are more like shape shifters." Alice said while patting Jakes arm.
"May I, wolf?" Aro asked as he held his hand up looking excited.
I nodded at Jake when he looked to me. Jake went forward slightly but it seemed Aro couldn't wait and went the rest of the way. His face held fascination as he clutched Jakes hand in his. Once finished he let Jake go and looked like a kid that just got candy.
"Wolves are very interesting, especially with all the magical happenings." Aro said to which Jacob shrugged.
I looked around glad that nobody was going to harm anybody. My gaze landed on a dejected looking Jane who also looked like she wanted to hurt Alice. Once again, I found myself confused.
"Can you introduce the rest of us yet?" Felix whined.
"Okay, well that is my brother Felix, my father Marcus, uncles Aro and Caius, my sister and best friend Jane…" at her name she looked at me with happiness, and it explained the way she was earlier. Of course, she would think now that Alice was here she would be replaced. I would have to talk to her later. "Demetri, Heidi his mate, Chelsea…" on and on I said every body's names until finally "and this is Jane's twin and my friend, Alec."
Friend came out sounding weird since I really had no idea as to what we are. Alec didn't really acknowledge that I had said his name, except to turn his gaze from the wall to my eyes. His eyes never betrayed a hint of what he was thinking or feeling, just emotionless and cold. A constricting pressure tangled around my unbeating heart, but besides placing my arm around my chest I chose to ignore it. Not think about it.
Or him.
At least for now.
Again sorry it took forever, but I didn't want to give you guys something half assed.
REVIEW PLEASE… : )
