"I don't deserve you." Was the first thing that came out of Kate's mouth to begin this healing conversation.
Rick looked at her confused, his eye brows bunched together as much as they could without hurting his bruised face; he did not expect her to say something like that. He was still more than angry with her, but he didn't agree with her statement. He was about to object to what she had said, but she continued.
"You deserve so much more then me Rick… I don't understand why you stick around, I lied to you, I'm selfish, I break your heart and I don't even have the decency to tell you how I really feel." Kate was fidgeting with her fingers, she was so nervous and scared, all of it making her want to throw up but she pulls through that feeling, she cant pull herself up to meet his eyes though.
Rick cleared his throat
"And how do you really feel?" he said, his posture up right, his face turned to her with his hands in his lap, with facial features completely stone.
Kate cursed herself for bringing up her feelings right away because now she was stuck with facing them, facing him.
"I… it's, complicated." She closed her eyes, knowing that was no excuse, she knew how she felt for him, but she just couldn't grow a pair to actually confess it to him.
Castle almost wanted to laugh out loud, how ironic is it that she calls their situation complicated to. He's also beginning to get impatient, how can she still not just tell him how she feels, it's either she loves me or she… doesn't. He didn't like to think of the other option, because if she didn't love him back, he doesn't know what he would do.
"If you know how you feel, don't sit here and waste my time anymore Kate." Rick was sick of waiting, that's all he's been doing for the past four years, it was time for them to either jump into this thing, or just… let it go, let them go.
"Rick you know it's hard for me." She tried to explain that to him before but he wasn't having it this time.
"What! Did you think it was easy for me Kate?" His volume rose just a tad, still trying to keep it a conversation, not wanting to change it into a fight again.
"I know…. I know.." Kate shook her head. She felt so little compared to him, she had been in the wrong this whole time, and it was killing her. She just wanted it all to be fixed; didn't want to have to pore her heart out at this moment, but she has no other choice, it's either tell him now or lose him; and the second choice wasn't even an option in her head, she would not chance losing him.
"Rick, you mean so much to me. I feel sick to my stomach, the fact that I have been so cruel to you." A tear trickled down her left cheek.
"You never did anything to me to deserve the mistreatment of this summer. I needed space, but to just kick you out of my life for three months was inexcusable." She shook her head a smile of hatred at her own stupidity and selfishness forming on her lips.
She turned to face him "I missed you every single day of it, of the summer." Kate said tears starting to pore out now.
Rick turned to her now, he heard the sorrow and heartbreak in her voice, it was breaking his heart as well.
"when I saw you again at the book signing it almost broke my heart to think… that you can love me…as much as I love You." She looked at him with so much love, pleading for forgiveness.
Rick's heart dropped, skipping a beat.
"Why didn't you just tell me?" His voice was raw, from the tears that were about to form.
"I was scared."
"Scared of what Kate? I had told you that I loved you, all you had to do was say the same?" He was so taken back by the fact that she actually loved him back, he couldn't help the little hope he had left for them.
"At the time I didn't even know if what you said you had meant Rick, I mean I was dying in your arms, for all I knew you could have said it out of pure fear and instinct, thinking it was the right thing to say." Kate said swiping away the tears falling from her eyes.
Rick never thought of it that way, he looked down at his hands, now he was fidgeting like a fool.
"Kate.. Of course I meant what I said, the only reason why I said it then, is because…I didn't know if I would get another chance, to tell you how I felt." His eyes were shimmering from the dim lights of his loft, as he looked up to Beckett. He hated to think back to the fact that Kate had nearly died.
"Kate you got shot right in front of me, I'm so sorry I couldn't stop that bullet from hitting you, I tried everything in my power for it to be me, instead of-"
"RICK! how can you say that? I can't believe you can be so selfish to your family, and you do NOT get to apologize for me getting shot Castle, you were not the son of a bitch who pulled that trigger, alright! you tried your best to jump in front of that bullet, as if your life didn't even matter? Rick for god sake you have a daughter. If it had been the other way around not only would your family be crushed, but I would never forgive myself." More tears fell from her eyes, she was trying to get a hold of herself, but how can she when this man in front of her would die for her, as if he meant nothing to the world, as if he meant nothing to her.
"Rick, I love you. And I am so sorry for lying to you. But you do not get to blame yourself for what happened that day do you understand me." Kate's voice was shaky, but still stern, as if a mother talking down to her child.
"Kate if I had never pushed you on your mothers case, this would have never happened, you would have never been…shot."
"No.. Castle that is not true!"
"HOW CAN YOU SAY IT'S NOT TRUE KATE! THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT WANT YOU DEAD BECAUSE OF ME! THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT WILL KILL YOU IF YOU CONTINUE YOUR MOTHERS CASE AND IT'S IN MY POWER THAT YOU DON'T, can't you see that Kate? CAN'T YOU!" Castle was shaking, tears drenching his face. His hands were trembling, fear, anger, love, devotion, pacing through his body.
What Castle had just said didn't go missed by Kate, she was startled and confused, and frustrated and just wanted to hug this blubbering baby that she loved so much that was sitting beside her, trying to keep himself together, failing miserably as he was clearly in need to just break down.
So Kate pushed aside any wall that was left between them and put her arms around Rick, bringing him into the most comforting hug she could. His head laid upon her collar bone, she could feel his tears, dampening her shirt. She didn't mind as long as she could hold him and bring him some sort of support.
Castle was grateful that she was consoling him, he wrapped his arms around her tiny waist and pulled her in for more warmth and solacement. He hated the fact that he was crying like a girl in front of her, but he couldn't help it. There was so much worry and hurt inside of him, that he just couldn't hold back anymore. He could feel her fingers stroking through him hair, he wanted to just fall asleep in her arms at that moment, but then he felt her tugging him a little so his face was off of her shirt and now facing her.
"Castle what were you talking about when you said, it's in your power that they don't?" He could see the inquisitive in her eyes.
He wanted to get knocked out by someone right now, literally punched square in the face, because he knew that, that would hurt less than having to tell her. It would keep him so he didn't have to answer that question, he wanted to run threw a window so he didn't have to face the fact that he has been keeping his own dirty secret as well. It's like a ticking time bomb was all that was running threw his mind.
I would like to thank everyone for the wonderful Reviews and following of my story! I really appreciate it! You guys are awesome! Hope you guys fancy this Chapter! THANK YOU AGAIN AND READ ON!
