Chapter 9. A Change Of Strategy
The ritual the wizards had performed worked. Jafar did, indeed, return to Agrabah. The wizards had even been courteous enough to make him reappear in his private chamber.
Teleporting was exhausting, and it was the middle of the night, but Jafar could not sleep. The city of Ankh-Morpork weighed heavily on his mind.
For some reason, he felt as if he had been ruling Agrabah all wrong.
Oh, of course, he wasn't nominally ruling Agrabah at all, but he felt as if he had been ruling Agrabah from behind the scenes all wrong. He looked out his window. This was not a city that worked. It was, he knew, his fault. All his scheming over genie lamps, all his resentment of Sultan Hamed…well, he wouldn't go so far as to regret that second one. And as he told Havelock Vetinari, he did not have a change of heart.
He did, however, have a change of mind. Trying to take over the city had occupied far too much of his time, and now he put that to the back of his mind. Perhaps, someday, it would be back at the front of his mind again, but if it was, he would make sure, before he did it, that the city worked. He would see a noted thief in the morning.
In the morning
Jafar left a note for Sultan Hamed that said he was conducting an urgent errand in the city. After putting on a plain gray robe with a hood, he left the palace and went to a seedy-looking coffee house in a poor district of Agrabah.
"A newcomer, eh? You should know that nobody comes here if all they want is coffee. Are you on the run, or looking for someone who is?"
"I am looking for a man named Kassim."
"Kassim? You are looking for Kassim? The King of Thieves?"
"The very same."
A hush fell over the bar. What manner of person was this, it seemed to say, who would walk into a notorious thieves' den and simply ask for the most notorious thief of all? The code of thieves would hardly allow this, would it? For all they knew, he could be an officer of the law in disguise, here to arrest Kassim. And wouldn't that be a feather in anyone's turban.
"I'll bring him right out for you," said the man behind the bar.
The silence continued. If anything, there was even more of it. Now, it was saying that the innkeeper must be a fool, for turning Kassim over. If it so happened that the man in gray led the thief away to be behanded, the innkeeper would be punished as well.
After going up a set of stairs, the innkeeper came back down with a man wearing a blue cape over a black shirt and trousers. "This is Kassim. And you are?" he asked.
"My name is Jafar," said Jafar. After all, he couldn't be the only Jafar in Agrabah.
"Not a popular name in this part of town," remarked Kassim.
"I have been told so, yes. I have something of a business proposition for you, Kassim. You see, thieves are simply not organized enough."
"We try to be. This place is our best shot. But even then, it hardly works out. We're caught too often and punished too severely for it to work properly. If the Grand Vizier were here I would punch him in the face."
Jafar lowered the hood. "Have at me, then. But I assure you, you will want to hear what I have to say."
"You have something to say about thieves' organizing? Is it because you want us all to be in the same place so you can burn it down and save time?"
"No. I have had a change of strategy regarding how theft is dealt with in my city. You see, I have spent the past few days out of Agrabah, in the company of a rather strange…king." Though the details of how exactly one became the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork had been omitted from any conversation (perhaps out of fear that Jafar would have tried it), one thing that both Vetinari and that scruffy Watch Commander had impressed upon him was that the Patrician was Not A King. It would have been hard to explain that to a common Agrabanian street thief, however, so Jafar settled for saying he was. "This king, you see, has set up a system where it is legal for thieves to operate, provided they pay their taxes like any other business and regulate theft."
"That is the strangest thing I have ever heard."
"I thought so as well. Now, if I institute a thieves' guild, I will not be dismantling the city watch. As a matter of fact, I have ideas for the city watch as well. Rest assured, they will not harm you once this is set up."
"Why should I trust you?" asked Kassim. "You are, by all accounts, a conniving tyrant."
"Why should I trust you? You are, by all accounts, an outrageous thief. As a matter of fact, I think you stole my money while we were talking here."
"I did."
"Keep it. Consider it my payment for this year. Now no other member of the Thieves' Guild can rob me. Write that down. If you need help creating licenses for the thieves, just come to me."
"I have a question. I have a wife and son in Agrabah who probably think I abandoned them. I am not even supposed to be in Agrabah."
"I will revoke the ban on you. As for your son, I have heard rumors of a seventeen-year-old boy causing my guards quite a bit of trouble. Would your son be seventeen at this time, and is he named Aladdin?"
"Why, yes, he would, and he is. What of his mother?"
"She must have died, though I do not know how. He believes he is an orphan. You will be reunited with him."
"You have a heart after all," said Kassim.
"No, I have a brain," Jafar said, "and it has just recently woken up to the fact that I need to establish strong leadership in the populace if Agrabah is to work as a city. You shall be the King of Thieves officially, as head of the Thieves' Guild, and your son, by your side, will be the Prince of Thieves."
"What are the guards going to do if thievery is legal?" asked Kassim.
"Do not worry about the guards, Kassim. They will still have work to do. Other crimes happen in the city."
"I wasn't worried about the guards," said Kassim.
"Must feel unusual for you," said Jafar, and with that, he left. He wasn't quite sure how to put Vimes' suggestions into place with the city guards. Perhaps Razoul would know.
He found Razoul, coincidentally enough, chasing Aladdin. "Razoul! Let him go!" said Jafar. He lowered his hood, and Razoul and Aladdin both stopped in their tracks.
Jafar approached the young man. "I am not here to hurt you. In fact, I have a message from your father." He handed Aladdin directions to the inn where Kassim was staying. "He has important business to discuss with you."
"Why should I trust you? These could be directions to the dungeon, or to an ambush."
"I am not going to take so much trouble for a petty thief. I have to talk with Razoul. Come along, Razoul. We'll leave this street rat to his business."
Razoul is not going to like this, Jafar thought, and I don't want to make him like it. I'm going to have to explain it so that he comes around on his own.
"What are you doing outside the palace?" asked Razoul.
"I had important business in the city."
"With common criminals, Sayeedi?"
"More like uncommon ones. Now, I have important business with you, in the City Watch barracks."
Razoul led Jafar to the barracks, which was fairly close to where he had been chasing Aladdin. "We have a rule that anyone who is not a Watchman is forbidden from entering the City Watch barracks armed."
"Well, that's quite all right then. I am unarmed." He hadn't taken his snake staff with him, since people in the city knew that Grand Vizier Jafar carried such an item. In fact, he had left the palace so rarely in recent years that more people would identify him from the fabled and unique staff than from his appearance alone. "As you can see, I have not taken the staff with me today."
"I was not referring to the staff, Sayeedi. You carry a dagger, do you not?"
"This is ridiculous. I have no intent to hurt you."
"Your intention doesn't matter. You must leave your dagger outside."
"It's Damascene steel with gold and rubies on the hilt. I may have just legalized thievery in the city, but I am not putting my own dagger within the reach of thieves."
"You may have done WHAT?" yelled Razoul.
"Oh, I hadn't meant to tell you so soon. I will give you all the details."
"Leave the dagger with Hakim. He won't walk off with it."
Jafar gave the dagger to a dour-looking thin guard standing outside the Watch House. "I know you've probably never handled anything so valuable," he said, "so please be careful."
The guard rolled his eyes as Jafar followed Razoul into the Watch House. Wonder if I should have told him about the exploding potion, Jafar thought.
"What's this about legalizing thieves, then?"
"There will always be thieves in the city," said Jafar, "and while we can catch them and punish them, that doesn't decrease thievery. But, if the thieves had to carry licenses and establish a quota for theft, there would be, overall, less theft in the city. I understand that you were robbed twice during Ramadan alone, captain?"
"Well, yes, I was. Imagine, robbing the Captain of the Guard! While he was weak from fasting!"
"Under my new system, that would not happen. Oh, someone may still rob you, but it would be recorded in the Thieves' Guild books and you'd be safe for a period of time, while the thieves would have to find someone else to rob."
"I don't see how this is supposed to improve the city."
"Did I mention there was a protection fee? You could simply pay the Thieves' Guild and they would not rob you at all."
"But surely everyone who could afford it would pay the fee, and those who can't would have nothing worth stealing? So how could they still be called thieves?"
Jafar had not thought to ask that question of Vetinari. How did the Thieves' Guild not regulate itself out of existence? Well, regardless of how they did it, it was obvious that a way for Jafar to do it was needed and quickly.
"I could make it so they would only be able to impose a fee on merchants' businesses. Shops wouldn't be robbed, unless, of course, they could not pay the fee, but individuals still would. And of course there's always the secondary use for thieves."
"What would that be?"
"Adventurers. Treasure-hunters. Agrabah has no treasure worthy of her greatness. Oh, there is money, there is always money, but money is dull." Jafar, being Grand Vizier, was of course quite wealthy, and there's nobody like a rich man to tell you how dull money is. But he genuinely found its physical form dull, preferring to spend it quickly for luxuries and leverage. It was power that interested and inspired him, and the power of money worked quite well for most of his purposes. "A daring thief could acquire some legendary artifact that would bring great fame and honor to the city!"
"That does make sense, Sayeedi, but I am not done with questions. Will this put the city guards out of work?"
"Of course not! After all, I do not intend to legalize any other crime, and it would be incredibly stupid and hurtful to the city for me to do so! You will still have to solve the murders, the assaults, the cases of fraud, conspiracy and sorcery…and, of course, with petty theft out of your hands I will expect you to be more effective." Jafar never intended to make sorcery legal in Agrabah. The current prohibition decreased his competition while making the citizens think that despite any other faults he might have, he was protecting them from black magic. In a very warped sense, it was true. He was fully committed to protecting the Agrabanians from any black magic but his own.
He briefly wondered if Agrabah was ready for a Seamstresses' Guild, and decided it wasn't. That was quite a shame, for he knew a pair of cunning wenches, Delilah and Zaynab, who would be perfect leaders for it.
That ambition aside, he began detailing Vimes' advice to Razoul, who nodded frequently throughout the speech and finally said he would try these ideas out, though he was not sure they were any good.
"I cannot disobey my Grand Vizier," he said.
"It would be unwise, yes." Fascinating as Jafar had found the strange city of Ankh-Morpork, there was an undercurrent of insolence—though perhaps not full rebellion—among many of its people that he rather disliked.
The very next day, Kassim arrived at the palace with some Thieves' Guild recruits, including Aladdin, who had replaced his worn clothing with a new tunic and pair of trousers.
"Who are these people, Jafar?" asked Sultan Hamed.
"They are thieves, your Highness," Jafar replied.
"Thieves? What are they doing in the palace?"
"I have agreed to help them with a business matter. You see, the thieves of this city need organization. They need efficiency. They need to be a force for the good of Agrabah."
"Jafar, you have gone quite insane!"
"I have made a bit of a provision that any thief caught on Palace grounds without requesting permission will still be sentenced to death on a charge of treason."
"But my people! How can thieves possibly improve their lives?"
"With my rules for a thieves' organization, thieves must keep a strict record of their victims, and businesses may pay for protection."
"I still think this idea is a bit out of the ordinary."
"Do you want Agrabah to be ordinary? Do you want Agrabah to be just another forgotten city, with mediocre people and common ideas? Or do you want Agrabah to be great?"
"I didn't think about it like that."
"That is why I am here, your Highness. Of course, before we can even think about greatness, Agrabah needs to work."
"It doesn't?"
"Not…not as perfectly as it could." He remembered the strange inventing fellow as well. Perhaps he could commission someone to draw some ingenious devices for the defense of the city.
"I applaud you for your innovation, but all the other cities will think we have lost our minds! Legalizing thieves!"
"We don't publicize that to the other cities, then. They will be bound to notice sooner or later that thieves in Agrabah are…different, but we certainly do not need to tell them. Especially not before we're even sure the experiment will work."
"You have gone above and beyond your duties today, Jafar. I must reward you!" He took a scroll out of his robe and handed it over. "The court painter will paint a miniature of you when you hand him that!"
Jafar had hoped his reward would be a bit more tangible. Though a lover of art, he saw little reason to have paintings of himself about. He preferred metalwork and architecture. In fact, he dabbled in sketching buildings, and decided he would design and commission the new Thieves' Guild hall himself. It was the least he could do for the thieves, who were not exactly rich after the way he had previously treated them.
Regardless, he took the scroll and retired to his chamber. It had been a very busy day, but the city was finally on track to working.
Or to its greatest disaster since the fire of 837. It was hard to tell.
Author's Note: 1. If you can't follow alternate continuities what are you doing reading Discworld in the first place? Yes, Jafar did still take over Agrabah…but in a different leg of the Trousers of Time. It all went a bit quantum. This is the Jafar that did NOT take over Agrabah. There'll be an epilogue that resolves the lamp situation and Aladdin/Jasmine. (That "prince of thieves" thing is a hint, by the way.) 2. "Sayeedi" means "my lord" and is usually translated "sir." It's not canon that people in Agrabah use it, but then again, it's not canon that people in Agrabah pronounce Jafar correctly, so I often want to make their Arabic just the tiniest bit more accurate when I can.
