The Heroes Parody Project
(Season 4, Episode 9)
Disclaimer:
Heroes is copyright NBC and the show's creator, Tim Kring. I am not, nor represent any of the cast or crew of the show. This fan fiction is written purely for entertainment purposes only. Any similarities to any actual people, living or dead, are completely coincidental. Reader Discretion is advised.

Niki: Previously…on Revenge…wait…..oh, you have got to be kidding me.

Claire walks up to her new home in The Hamptons.

Claire: My name is Claire Thorne. I've arrived in The Hamptons to seek revenge on the family that framed my father, The Grayson's.

Next door, in an absurdly large mansion, the matriarch of the Grayson family, Angela Grayson, makes her way out onto the balcony to totally not spy on Claire.

Angela: There's something about that girl that bugs me. (Binoculars)

A bird flies by Angela, shortly before turning into stone and slamming into the side of the house with a resounding THUD!

Angela: Goodness!

Claire: Okay, Zach Ross, eccentric billionaire who's going to…

Zach: Multi-Billionaire!

Claire: Whatever. Let's get started with the hackings or whatever and ruin some lives!

Zach: YAY! Okay, let me just enter the passcode to the computer: 999-43-2011

Claire: Okay, just say it out loud or what…wait….is that my social security number?!

Zach (reading the screen): You've…got a Trojan….I LOVE HORSES!

Claire: UH!

Zach (reading the screen): Hey, did you know that you just bought The Republic of Chad? Somebody has awesome credit.

Claire: UHH!…

Zach: Damn, more passwords. Let's see, the maiden names of every female family member in your ancestry. Done! Say, Claire, something popped up asking if you were a flight risk?

Claire: Oh my god, stop doing things!

Meanwhile…On a boat, owner of the local dive bar, West Porter sets sail with his brother.

West: On none other than the S.S. Claire-Bear, totally not named after the love I once lost when we were kids a million years ago or anything like that. So over her.

Matt walks up on deck. Dressed in royal clothing.

Matt: Not to fear, even though the evil queen's curse brought us here to the town of Storybrooke. I vow to get us back to the land of Fairytales.

West: Um…no, wrong show man,…..that's…totally different.

Mohinder runs up, his face is painted gold.

Mohinder: MATT! WHAT IN THE WORLD IS ON MY FACE!?

Matt: Oh no! It's Rumplestiltskin! STOP VILLAIN!

Mohinder: Do you know how toxic this stuff is?! I think it's lead based!...Uhhh…..lungs collapsing…..eyesight blurring….

Matt: Just read the line.

Mohinder (reading the script deadpanned, waving his finger in the air): Magic always comes with a price, dearie…..oh man, I don't feel so good. I think I'm hallucinating.

West: Is he gonna be okay?

Matt: Hmm?

Matt looks at Mohinder.

Mohinder: All glory to the Hypno toad!

Matt: Oh yeah, he's fine….

Noah and Sandra Bennet walk up, wearing formal wear.

Noah: Maybe we can interest you in a nice apartment. Though it's a tad…hotter.

Sandra: Speak of the…Devil. I was just thinking that.

Noah: How…hellish of you.

West: What is this?

Noah and Sandra put bed sheets over their heads.

Noah: Sandra, darling, you didn't cut eye holes in these ghost costumes.

Sandra: How ghoulish!

Noah: No, I'm serious. We look stupid in these ridiculous outfits.

Sandra turns to face the opposite direction where West is standing.

Sandra: Don't worry! It's not haunted or anything….

West: Okay I get Once Upon A Time over here (pointing to Matt)….But what is this? Are you supposed to be 666 Park Avenue?! Because if you are, you're totally phoning it in!

Noah: Sort of.

Sandra: But I thought this was GCB!

Noah: How do you figure any of this resembled that show!?

Sandra: Doesn't it stand for Ghosts Crying BOOOO!

Noah: ….No…just no.

Matt: Anyway, find out what happens, only on ABC.

West: And now you're promoting the rival network. I'm out!

West jumps off the ship. SPLASH!

Noah: I thought all these shows were on the same network.

Matt: I miss TGIF.

At the dinner table.

Angela (to Peter Grayson, her son): Peter, darling, are you enjoying your dinner? If you're not I can buy you new taste buds and make you enjoy your dinner.

Peter: Uh, it's fine. I just need the butter.

Angela: Your sister has it.

Peter gets on the phone and calls the other side of the dinner table.

Nathan picks up the phone.

Peter: Sis! Butter! Stat!

Nathan: Okay, real quick. Why am I playing the sister? Why is this table so long?! I think I'm in a Racquetball court or something? And third, (holding up his bloody hand), WHY HAVEN'T I BEEN TAKEN TO A HOSPITAL YET!?

Peter: Straying off the subject, sis. Kinda want the butter.

Nathan: Fine.

Nathan grabs the butter, shoving it into a plastic tube. He places the plastic tube into a chute and presses the 'Send' button, propelling the tube through a network of pipes. At the other end of the table, the tube crashes into the other side, splattering butter all over Peter's clothes.

Peter: Man, being rich kinda sucks….

Mohinder: Previously on Heroes, dearie…..uhhhhhh…..(passes out).

Angela: He's returned.

Jax the assistant opens the coffin.

Angela: Arthur…..he's back.

Angela's house explodes. Arthur watches from his car. Armed men break in and capture Angela, Samson, Sylar, Ted, Micah and Molly.

On a security screen, the men and children await their fate; Angela walks into Arthur's office.

Arthur: You may go….on one condition.

Angela: Which is?

Arthur: I want you to rebuild The Company from the ground up. With these recruits.

He throws some folders on the table.

Angela: And why would I help you?

Arthur: There's one recruit in particular I think you may have an interest in.

Angela, Peter, and Noah find Alice Shaw, Angela's sister.

Daphne Millbrook, in a female prison, spots Peter as her cellmate.

Daphne: What are you doing here?

Peter: Busting you out.

Noah and Angela pull up to an abandoned warehouse.

Angela: D.L Hawkins.

Noah: I have someone on it.

Claude Rains walks in and engages in a gun fight with D.L.

Claude (to Noah): He's not going anywhere until he gets his son.

Noah and Angela exchange looks.

Guards take Micah and Molly out of their prison, leaving Samson, Ted and Sylar to most likely die.

Micah (to Molly): I think I can rig the camera and help them escape.

Outside…

Ted: I feel bad leaving you here.

Micah: Samson still needs us. Just get as far away as you can and get help.

Claire is driving, with Mohinder, Niki and Matt en route to West Rosen's lake house. They pick up an overbearing British socialite named…

Hyacinth: Hyacinth Bouquet. That's B-U-C-K-E-T.

Matt: Bucket.

Hyacinth: It's Bouquet.

Matt: Pretty sure you just spelled Bucket.

At the costume shop.

Niki: Let's ditch her.

At the lake house.

Claire: I'm glad I was able to come out here.

West: Me too. And here's a shotgun!

Claire: Fire it at nobody important in the air!

West aims the gun.

Freeze. Meanwhile…

Tracy: He's gaining on us!

Tracy, Nathan, Elle and The Haitian are being chased by Emile Danko. Both of their vehicles careen of the side of a cliff. Take Danko hostage, they get to a gas station that's….

Elle: BEING ROBBED!

Nathan: Could you be a little more discreet?

Elle: LET'S BE EXTRA CAREFUL! AHHHH!

Nathan and Tracy confront the robbers, Meredith Gordon and her brother Flint.

Meredith: I need your help Nathan.

Nathan: Forget it.

Emile breaks free, calls for backup, and arrests Meredith and Flint.

Nathan: Let's save them!

Elle: Hooray!

Nathan: But you and The Haitian go with this Truck Driver I just met.

Elle: Ehhhh!

Nathan and Tracy break into a building to find where Meredith and Flint are being held.

Nathan: A Prison Complex. I'll check it out.

Nathan flies off.

Unfreeze. West fires the shotgun, takes Nathan out.

Claire: You just shot my dad!

Mohinder: I know where we can go.

Elle: We're gang members now!

Trucker Dan: You two are gonna be with me for a while.

Elle: Creepy!

Trucker Dan: We need to go to my house in the woods.

Elle: Even better!

Trucker Dan, Elle, and The Haitian walk in on Claire and company.

Trucker Dan: I can get him to a hospital.

On the truck, Dan detaches the trailer, kidnapping Mohinder and a wounded Nathan who were sitting in the front seat. After escaping, the gang finds….

Matt: A boat!

Niki: We have to go after them….Claire and I will check out the lower decks.

Niki enters a room. Freeze. Meanwhile.

Hiro Nakamura enters an office with Daniel Linderman.

Linderman: I restored your powers, Hiro. Now you must do something for me.

Approaching a machine.

Linderman: This is Genesis: Redux. It's a device used to have you relive the events of Season 1 to change the outcome of some events without causing a Butterfly Effect.

Hiro: How in the world is that possible!?

Linderman: Just get in.

Hiro starts to experience the early Season 1 episodes through the perspective of his friends.

Hiro: I can't do this alone. I need help.

Hiro (as Claire) runs up to Zach and tells him everything. Together they continue to progress through the season until…

Zach: AHHH!

Hiro: What?

Zach: I can see you!

Hiro: Yeah, so?

Zach: No, before…let's say if you were Claire, I saw Claire, not the time travelling Japanese man she kept claiming to be.

Hiro: Uh huh….

Zach: But now….I see you. For real.

Hiro: Weird.

Zach: What does that mean?

Hiro: Just a glitch I'm sure.

Unfreeze. Niki walks into a room on the boat; she sees an image of Isaac Mendez, freaking out about the New York City explosion. Niki tries to touch him but her hand phases through him.

Niki: What the?!

In pursuit, Trucker Dan has Mohinder and Nathan on a boat.

Dan (to Mohinder): Shoot them.

Mohinder shoots and accidentally hits Matt. The boat scrapes up against a concrete pole and sinks.

Claire and West make it onto a raft. Niki and The Haitian wash up to shore. She wakes up to find Linderman standing over her. Freeze. Earlier.

Tracy (after getting Nathan the address), has Ando come up to her.

Ando: You have to help me, Internet Stripper!

They walk into what's apparently a trap set by Linderman.

Ando: Sorry, it was the only way.

Linderman: You're going to help me, Miss Sanders.

Tracy's confused but rolls with it. They find Hiro hooked up.

Linderman: You have 24 hours to get me Micah Sanders and Molly Walker.

A mole in Linderman's group informs Arthur Petrelli of this.

Arthur (on the phone with Linderman): A trade then? The children for complete control over Genesis: Redux.

Linderman: Fine…just….give me some time. I'm almost done with it.

Ando: How are we going to find them?

Tracy: I have an idea.

Angela: I'll help you, but you need to help me.

Tracy: I can't keep up with all these side missions.

Angela: This is the last recruit. Find him.

Trucker Dan (on the phone): I'm delivering the shipment as we speak, just dropped them off.

On the other line, Adam Munroe hangs up as Tracy and Ando enter his office.

Adam: I'll join. Come to my estate, we'll talk more.

Later, Adam shoots Trucker Dan.

Tracy finds Nathan and Mohinder but she and Ando get knocked out.

Adam (on the phone): Take them to the complex; I have one missing person to pick up.

Unfreeze. Niki wakes up to find Linderman over her.

Linderman: Miss Sanders, why are you out here and stealing my family boat. You're supposed to be getting me Micah and Molly.

Niki: Say what?!

Elle electrocutes the group and runs Linderman off. Peter rescues Claire and West. They all meet back at the company where they argue pointlessly while Sylar, Ted, and Samson show up.

Peter: Here's the plan. Claire, West and I will go out and look for Nathan and Mohinder. Niki, you, Elle, Noah and The Haitian try and find Matt. D.L, you and Claude will be responsible for finding Tracy and Ando. And you three (to Sylar, Ted, and Samson)

Sylar: Yeah.

Peter: Stay put.

Sylar: WHAT?!

Peter: Okay, move out.

Matt awakens to find himself at Hyacinth Bucket's house…..the overbearing British woman from before.

Matt: …..ruh roh…..

The slow ticking of a grandfather clock. Hyacinth Bucket reads the newspaper at the luxurious table in her dining room. She takes a drink of her coffee. Across the table sits…

Matt Parkman
Hyacinth Bucket's House
It's Bouquet!

Hyacinth: You seem to be doing well for someone who almost drowned. (Takes another sip of her coffee).

Matt: It would appear so, yes?

Matt takes a cup and enjoys a sip as well. To the left of him reading:

Chapter Nine "Matt Versus The Candlelight Supper"

Hyacinth: Why are you drinking my sugar?

Matt (spitting): PPPPPPPBBBBBB!

He tries to scrape the sugar off his tongue.

Matt: Wait a minute….

He feels around.

Matt: I was shot! How did you…? Are you a witch?

Hyacinth: No, merely a flesh wound. I couldn't have you bleeding all over the interior or my car; that would have been rude.

Matt: Uh…huh….

Hyacinth: In all fairness I should have left you for dead. It would have been a proper revenge, seeing as it was how your miscreant friends did the same for me.

Matt: We left you for dead at that costume shop? At least that's what I think happened. It's been a while and I'm not feeling up to another 45 minute recap.

Matt tries to take another drink…then puts it down.

Matt: You said Adam is coming for me….why?

Hyacinth: It's not important.

Matt: Ugh, that means it is.

Hyacinth: Anyway, tonight I have a very important Candlelight Supper that will be attended by the city's most important socialites, politicians, and possibly royalty. It is your job to make sure it goes according to plan.

Matt: What?! Why do I have to help? The last party I tried to host was Peter's wedding and that was a total disaster. Seriously, lady, you have not known me long enough.

Hyacinth: If you'd notice attached to your neck is an electrical device.

Matt: That's a relief, for a moment I thought I was getting Strep.

Hyacinth: Failure to follow orders or leave the premises without my permission will force me to utter a four letter word that will detonate the device. Killing you.

Matt is flipping through a dictionary.

Hyacinth: What in blazes are you doing?! You want it to go off?

Matt: Go off? Oh, I thought you said it would deactivate it. Ha ha…..man, that would have been bad! Heh heh….whew!

Hyacinth: Hmm…..

Matt takes another drink of the sugar.

Matt: PPPPPBBBBB!

= = =HEROES= = =

Zach and Hiro
Genesis Redux
Two best buds traveling through history via time travelling telephone booth. Party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

Zach: THAT'S BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE! UGH!

Hiro: Problem?

Zach: No, we're good. Carry on….

Hiro hides.

Zach (as Meredith Gordon) is sitting with Nathan.

Nathan: Listen, I need you to keep quiet about Claire being my real daughter. Here is some money.

Hiro: THAT JERK!

Nathan: What was that?

Hiro: I meant….CA-CAW!

Zach: Birds. I have birds. Lots of birds.

Nathan: Uh huh…..listen, if this gets out it could ruin my political career.

Hiro: Swine!

Nathan: Is there someone else here?

Hiro: No…CA-CAW!

Zach: Heh heh….gotta love dem birds.

Nathan: I hope I was clear. Goodbye Meryl.

Zach: Morticia…wait, no….what the hell is my name!?

Hiro: Meredith!

Nathan: ….

Hiro: CA-CAW!

Zach: Yes, Meredith.

A bird lands next to Hiro.

Hiro: Shoo, bird! Shoo!

Hiro blows on it.

Bird: SQUAWK!

Nathan: …

Zach: CA-CAW…wait, why am I doing that?

Hiro: CA-CAW!

Bird: SQUAWK!

Nathan: I'm leaving. Please don't try to contact me….ever!

Nathan leaves.

Hiro (as Claire) pops up.

Hiro: I'm after him!

Zach: Technically I'm supposed to think you were gone already…..oh whatever.

Hiro runs out and grabs a rock as Nathan's limo starts to drive away.

Hiro: Deadbeat!

Hiro hurls the rock as hard as he can.

Hiro: YES!

Zach: WHAT WAS THAT?!

Hiro: Did I hit it?

Zach: That was the worst throw I've ever seen! The rock is several feet BEHIND you! How did even do that?

Hiro: I don't know! Let me try again.

He hurls the rock.

Hiro (rubbing his arm): Ow! My hammies!

Zach: Those are in your legs.

Hiro: One more time!

Hiro throws the rock. Zach (in the trailer) looks behind him to find the rock come through a window on the opposite side of the house.

Zach: Oh, forget this!

Zach grabs a shotgun and shoots out Nathan's back window.

Hiro: AHHH!

Hiro tries to run into the trailer but Zach locks it.

Hiro (pounding on the door): LET ME IN! Hurry! He's backing up!

Back at Hyacinth's.

Hyacinth: Now, for my guests to truly appreciate what a respective host I am. This place needs to be in tip top shape.

Matt: It actually looks pretty clean. Extremely clean.

Hyacinth: Impossible! I had….relatives…over and they trashed the place.

Matt: In that case, Whew! What a dump! It stinks to high heaven in here! Just where are you hiding all the bodies, crazy lady!?

Hyacinth: That's not necessary. Just clean!

She leaves as Matt looks around for something to clean. He notices a tin container on the coffee table, opening it up to find...

Matt: CANDY!

Matt takes a bite and frowns.

Matt: This is funky tasting candy.

He reads "Ceremonial Soap" on the side.

Matt: Ugh…..(takes another bite)….um, no, I do actually hate that.

He drops it on the floor and sucks it up with the vacuum cleaner.

Matt: Let's see….clean….clean…..gotta clean…Hmm….How did I used to clean back at home?

-Flashback-

Niki walks by Matt on the couch.

Niki: Your turn to do dishes, Matt. Hop to it!

Matt: Right!

The next day….

Niki: I cooked, you clean. Get to dish washing.

Matt: Righto!

The next day….

Niki: The chore wheel landed on your face. You got the dishes.

Matt: I love doing the dishes!

Matt picks up the dirty dishes and carries them off. Later, he comes home with a new box of dishes and puts them up in the cabinet.

Mohinder: You know she's going to put two and two together when she discovers you can't afford to pay any bills next month.

Matt: One of them being the water bill, which will be drastically lower because I'm not using as much washing the dishes. Eat that, Professor Fancy Pants!

Mohinder: But you're spending ten times as much buying new dishes every day, not to mention the gas alone! Where are the old dishes, anyway? Are you throwing them away?

Matt: No way! That would be wasteful.

Niki opens her bedroom closet and screams as an avalanche of dirty dishes flood out on top of her. CRASH!

Hyacinth walks into the kitchen to find Matt putting brand new dishes up in the cabinet.

Hyacinth: What are you doing? You're supposed to be cleaning the living room! Why are you in my kitchen?

Matt: Because….I….cleaning….flashback….um…..yeah I don't know how I ended up here either.

Hyacinth: And please tell me you didn't throw away my Royal Doulton with the hand painted periwinkles!

Matt: Yeah, I still don't know what that is.

In Redux, above a jewelry store downtown, Hiro (as Jessica Sanders) and Zach (as Matt) look out the window.

Zach: You're supposed to throw me out of here?

Hiro: Yup.

Zach: How about I just jump out of the window?

Hiro: No, I have to throw you out.

Zach: Well, judging by the way you throw rocks I could end up boomeranging to the Florida coast. I'll jump.

Hiro: You have to follow the rules. We have to reenact this the EXACT way this happened.

Zach: Fine.

Hiro: Now….how should I…..um…..okay, I'll grab the back of your shirt with both hands and gracefully toss you out the window.

Zach: That's stupid. Okay, how about I jump, but you wave your arms out of the window after me? It will make it look like you threw me out! No one will know the difference.

Hiro: You foolish man! You dare try and trick the cosmos?

Zach: WHAT?!

Hiro: It is all knowing, fate WILL know the difference.

Zach: Fine, throw me out the window already!

Hiro: Um…well, the trajectory….winds….hmm….I don't think I can get good enough of leverage. I got it!

Later…

Zach: The roof?!

Hiro: Yes, the roof!

Zach: I thought you were supposed to throw me out of a window!

Hiro: Well….it's more important that I throw you, doesn't really matter where….

Zach: Don't give me that! What happened to all that "You can't fool the Cosmos" nonsense!

Hiro: Gasp! You speak ill of the Cosmos!

Zach: Shut up and just throw me off already.

Hiro gives him a light shove.

Zach: …..Okay, I'm jumping.

Zach takes a look down.

Zach: That's….actually a long way down. Are you sure you don't want to give it another try?

Hiro: Okay. I'm gonna do it.

Zach: Go right ahead.

Hiro: Gonna throw you off the roof.

Zach: Please.

Hiro: Arms are a swinging, legs are a moving.

Zach: Hiro, come on!

Hiro takes a deep breath.

Hiro: AHHHHHH!

Hiro runs forward and tackles Zach, sending them both over the edge.

Zach: THIS WASN'T PART OF THE PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Hiro: FORGIVE US, COSMOOOOOOOOOOOS!

CRASH!

Meanwhile, at the Super Market. Hyacinth and Matt are walking down the aisle picking up groceries. She loads some products into the shopping cart.

Hyacinth: Now, to make sure my guests have the most delicious delectable dining experience. Some food must be prepared.

Matt: Can I sit in the basket?

Hyacinth: No.

Matt: Can I get a toy?

Hyacinth: No!

Matt: Adam Johnson's mom lets him get a toy.

Hyacinth: Well if Adam John…ugh…what am I doing?! I'm not your mother!

Matt: So by that logic you will get me a toy. Because my mother would have said no.

Hyacinth: Hmph.

Matt (walking up to another aisle): THIS!? THIS….is the toy aisle? All there is are UNO Cards, water pistols, and this Cathy action figure.

Matt pushes the button.

Cathy Action Figure: AACCCK!

Matt: Well, I'm obviously going to steal this.

4 Hours later, in the security room. Matt and Hyacinth are sitting on a bench.

Hyacinth: I tried telling them I'm not your mother!

Matt: But here we are….facing jail time….you probably shouldn't have eaten those grapes.

Hyacinth: ME?! It's because of that stupid toy you stole! Oh, my face is going to be in the papers for sure.

Matt: You sure it wasn't you? I saw the manager giving you the stink eye. Just sayin….

Officer: Okay, you guys can go. It is your first offense. Heh….I've got a little one myself.

Hyacinth: WHAT?!

Officer: Gonna be 5 next week. How old is your son going to be?

Hyacinth: He's not my son and he's clearly….uh…..I don't know how old he is, who cares?!

Matt: 46.

Officer: Sigh….they grow up so fast.

Hyacinth: We're getting out of here!

Officer: Oh, and Miss…..don't ever let us catch you stealing grapes again. OR ELSE!

Hyacinth: !

Meanwhile, there is a knock on the door. Hiro answers it.

Hiro: Yes?

Zach: Hello, Zane Taylor?

Hiro: Yes.

Zach: I'm Dr. Mohinder Suresh, you called me so we can discuss sciency things.

Hiro: Do come in.

Zach comes in.

Voice: AHHHHHHHHH! HELP! HELP ME!

Zach: Hiro, you didn't kill him yet?!

Hiro: Kill who?

Zach: Zane Taylor!

Hiro: I thought I was Zane Taylor!

Zach: No, you're Sylar pretending to be Zane Taylor. You kill and pose as him tricking me, Mohinder. Now get with it.

Hiro: Oh, I can't kill him! I'm far too nice.

Zach: Well, he has to die, Captain Cosmos! So, how do we do that so you'll feel good about yourself?

40 Minutes Later.

Hiro: Hey! Hey!

Zach: Who wants a last meal?

Zane Taylor is tied up, fearing for his life.

Zach: To show no hard feelings. My friend here baked a cake for you.

Hiro: AND IT'S FILLED WITH POISON!

Zane: AAAAHHHH!

Zach: Did you HAVE to tell him that?

Hiro: Yeah, I'm not very good with surprises. OOH! I know what to do! A loophole, I might have found!

Zach: What is it?

Hiro: We're just going to….come back later.

Zach: Excuse me?

Hiro: We're going to come back later. Simple as that!

Zach: Can….can we do that?

Hiro: Of course!

Hiro and Zach are walking away.

Zach: And what is your plan?

Hiro: Quick loophole. We, meaning you and I…

Zach: Uh huh…

Hiro: We're going to continue the story somewhere else AS someone else ahead of schedule.

Zach: Okay?

Hiro: When we come back, the dirty deed will be done. We'll just pick up the rest. That way I don't have to kill anybody!

Zach: Sounds swell.

Hiro: Now let's go advance some plot!

Later, at Isaac Mendez's loft.

Zach (as Isaac) flipping through the script, he looks at Hiro (Peter).

Zach: You have to shoot Simone Deveaux.

Hiro: OH CRAP! This didn't get me anywhere! Well, now what do we do?

Zach: Just shoot her! We can't keep skipping scenes because you have morals or honor or something.

Simone (outside): Hello? Isaac?

Zach: Hurry! She's coming!

Hiro: I know! I'll drop the gun!

Zach: What?

Hiro: That way I don't have to shoot her! I'll drop the gun on the floor. The impact will make it accidentally go off and the bullet will hit Simone, thus, it will be the floor that killed her.

Zach: Well, that's dumb, but okay.

Simone walks in. Hiro drops the gun.

Later, Zach and Hiro are on their way back to Zane's.

Hiro: Tragic. I can't believe a gun accidentally went off and shot Simone. Oh the humanity….

Zach: Yeah, if only it didn't take you six times to actually hit her. Freak accident….

Hiro: Indeed.

Hiro and Zach walks into Zane's house. Zane is dead.

Hiro: And success! We tricked you, Cosmos! And the same fate happened. No harm, no foul…

Zach: Right….

Hiro: And success! We tricked you, Cosmos! And the same fate happened. No harm, no foul…

Zach: Hmm?

Hiro: And success! We tricked you, Cosmos! And the same fate happened. No harm, no foul…

Zach: Hiro?...Why…..why are you repeating that?

Hiro: And success! We tricked you, Cosmos! And the same fate happened. No harm, no foul…

Zach: You're freaking me out, Hiro. Just…..

Zach convulses for a few seconds before dropping to the floor. He awakes in the middle of the street.

Zach: Huh? Where?...Where am I?

Zach looks around, a car is approaching him.

Zach: Hello! Hello!? HEY! (Waving)

The car isn't slowing down.

Zach: Um…..hey! Can…..can you pull over!?

The car speeds up.

Zach: Holy crap he's going to hit me. I gotta get off this road!

Zach starts to run, the car changes lanes. Still intent on hitting him.

Zach: WAIT! STOP! DON'T HIT ME! CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!

Zach holds his arms up as the car drives through his body.

Zach: Huh….I…..I didn't get hit.

In the car, which Peter Petrelli is driving, he looks around.

Peter: Did we almost hit something? These super sporty sunglasses are much too dark to see things.

West (in the passenger seat): I wasn't paying attention.

Claire, in the back seat, watches the person they drove through.

Claire: Is…..is that….who I think it is?

Zach looks at Claire from far away before disappearing.

Claire: Nope, probably just heat stroke. Hey, Peter, A/C please!

Peter: I don't think this car has it. There's only one knob so you can select what degree you want it.

Claire: Degree?! What is this, an oven!?

Peter: Yeah, failed prototype that pizza drivers tried to use in the 80's. They put the ingredients in the car and cook it on the way over there. They had to recall them because of all the deaths.

Claire: Oh, how lovely….

Back at Hyacinth's.

Matt: Okay dokay….now what?

Hyacinth: Dinner is in the oven, now we need to do some practice. You are going to be a guest.

Matt: I'm invited to one of your awful candlelight suppers!

Hyacinth: NO! You will eat in the kitchen, never to be seen or heard from. This is just practice. Now sit.

Matt sits at the table.

Hyacinth: Welcome….esteemed members of the government, royalty, parliament...

Matt: Isn't parliament and government the same thing?

Hyacinth: Welcome! To one of my…..luxurious candlelight suppers. You…..will…..not…be…disappointed.

Matt: How can you say that? I've never tried your cooking. Though your coffee leaves a lot to be desired. It's mostly sugar, after all.

Hyacinth: Don't speak! This is where you clap.

Matt: Clap?

Hyacinth: Yes….clap. Applaud me. You are impressed.

Matt: I. Am. Impressed.

Matt claps once.

Hyacinth: No, you're not.

Matt: I. Am. Not. Impressed.

Matt claps once.

Hyacinth: Okay, we need to have a topical discussion.

Matt: FINALLY! Let's hit the beach!

Matt whips out a bottle of suntan lotion and starts rubbing it on his arms and face.

Hyacinth: Not Tropical, Topical. Current events!

Matt (smelling his arms): Hmm, that's probably for the best. This is a bottle of Betty Crocker Vanilla Cake Frosting.

Hyacinth: So, your country is having a Presidential Election. What do you think about that?

Matt is licking his arms.

Hyacinth: Please stop doing that.

Matt: Sorry….it's just…really delicious. (CHOMP!)….If only it didn't hurt so much.

Hyacinth: Okay, this isn't going to work either. Alright, I have one thing for you to do. Hopefully you have the mental capacity to NOT screw it up.

Matt: Absolutely! You have my complete divided attention.

Hyacinth: Uh huh….I need you to take these invitations and deliver them to my guests. I'd use the postal service but I'm much too afraid that they'd lose it.

Matt: I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What did you say about cake frosting?

Hyacinth: I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT CAKE FROSTING!

Matt: It's delicious!

Hyacinth: Take these and drop them off. I have to finish getting ready. If you're not back here in 20 minutes I'll detonate your collar. Now go.

Matt: Right!

Matt steps outside of the house.

Matt: Hey, how about that? I didn't blow up.

Matt runs into the street and gets hit by a car; he rolls onto the hood before rolling back off into the street. In the car….

Elle (driving): AHHH! What did I just hit?!

Niki: I think we found Matt.

Elle: Why does this always happen to me?

Noah: How many people have you hit?!

Elle: Oh, there was this one time I accidentally bumped into someone's car. And the Ambulance. And The Cop. And The Judge. And all twelve members of the jury at my trial. And The Prison Warden. And My Parole Officer. I'm actually not allowed to have insurance….or a driver's license…..or a United States citizenship. Elle Bishop isn't my original name.

Noah: Nobody cares! Can we see if he's alright!?

They get out of the car to find Matt lying in the street.

Niki: Matt, are you okay?

Matt (dazed): Grandma…..is that you?

Niki: No, it's not….WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GRANDMA! I'LL KILL YOU!

Noah: Niki, calm down. He's just out of it.

Matt: Elle?

Elle: Yes, Matt?

Matt: I had the strangest dream I was shot…then almost drowned…then hit by a car. You were there. (points to Noah) And you were there. (Points to Haitian) And you were there. (Points to Niki) And Grandma Parkman was there even though she's been dead for 20 years. Looking good, Grandma!

Niki: That's it! Elle, give me the keys. Matt, you stay right there and pretend you're a speed bump.

Elle: Niki, Matt said you look good for being a 90-something year old dead person, take the compliment. Second, we should get Matt to the Docspital.

Niki: Did you just say….No, Niki, don't…..you don't have many brain cells left. Okay, someone grab the arms and legs while I shout. Haul him off.

Matt: Wait! You can't! I'm a prisoner! I'll blow up if I'm not back soon.

Niki: What are you talking about?

Matt: Remember the annoying British woman we knocked off back at the costume store on our way to West's house after we were hired to sabotage the Bennet family vay-cay?

Elle: You killed someone?! Murder is never the answer….HEY! That mailman just gave me the stink eye! Get back here! I'll zap you good!

Noah: I'm sorry….YOU WHAT!?

Niki: Yeah, what about her?

Matt: She's back, with a British Vengeance!

Niki: What are you talking about?!

Matt: She's working with Adam Munroe. Remember, Claire Number Two. Except that she looks much better in a cheerleading outfit then he does.

Noah (waving his arms): HELLO!

Niki: So, he's back in the mix. Wait, how do you know all this?!

Matt: Totally read her mind!...(whispering)…and she kinda told me…

Niki: What was that?

Matt: Read her mind! That's it! She only just thought I was listening to her constantly blab about dinners, cleaning, guests, and stupid Fava Bean with the nice Chianti dishware or whatever the hell it's called.

Niki: Royal Doulton, totally different thing.

Matt: Are you absolutely sure?

Meanwhile…

Hannibal Lector: Hello, Clarice….You know a Census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with Royal Doulton and some hand painted Periwinkles. TTH! TTH! TTH! TTH! TTH! TTH!

Niki: Nope! Didn't happen!

Matt: I have Spielberg on the phone. He'll settle this.

Niki: Not a Spielberg film.

Matt: His secretary is absolutely dreadful…

(On the phone): The time is…4:05 pm….The temperature is….Hot.

Noah: So, how are you out here if you're a prisoner?

Matt: You see this nifty collar? It'll be detonated if I'm not back in…2 Minutes?! CRAP! I gotta go.

Niki: Wait, where are you going?!

Matt: Can't talk! I gotta head back. Try to find a way to break me loose, oh and if you can deliver these invitations, that would be swell! Later!

Matt runs off.

Niki looks at the invitations.

Niki: ….I have an idea.

Elle runs up.

Elle: I just ran over that Mailman! Quick, I need a new identity!

Niki (waving the invitations): I think we all need new ones.

Elle: You hit someone too?! Don't worry, Niki. We'll get through this! (She starts singing) Sooooul….Sisterrrs!

Niki: SHUT UP! I'm talking about Matt, you doofus!

Elle: Ah…..

Noah and The Haitian exchange looks.

Hiro walks up to Zach.

Hiro: What's wrong?

Zach: I….don't know.

Hiro: You disappeared for a minute. Don't know what that was all about.

Zach: I think…..I think I was in the real world for a second…

Hiro: What are you talking about? This is the real world….just…a retelling of it.

Zach: No….I wasn't here….I felt…..it felt real…..and I almost got hit by a car. And before I passed out you were repeating yourself.

Hiro: Weird. Must be a glitch.

Zach: You think the program is messing up?

Hiro: Maybe.

Zach: You came from the present day into this 'Redux'?

Hiro: Yeah.

Zach: ….and….I'm still in the present day? I don't….croak or anything?

Hiro: Not to my knowledge.

Zach: I wonder what happens if I come back…..would there be two of us?

Hiro: Answers….to questions that I don't know…..wait, I got that backwards. Those are questions for which I don't have the answers. That's it.

Zach: Oh well, I guess we can continue the mission.

Hiro (as Ted): Good! Because The Bennet's are almost home and we have to kidnap them.

Zach (as Matt): Yup. Let's do this.

Back to Present Day. Matt walks back into Hyacinth's kitchen.

Hyacinth: There you are! I almost had to detonate the device.

Matt: Nope, here in one piece!

Hyacinth: The candlelight supper is going to start in an hour. Get in your uniform so you can serve the guests.

Matt: I'm invited to the supper!?

Hyacinth: No, you're working the supper. You will not eat with my extinguished guests. You'll eat at the servant table. With a beaker….since you are all thumbs.

Matt looks at his hands.

One hour later. The doorbell rings.

Hyacinth: It's them! Answer the door.

She runs off, then comes back.

Hyacinth: And make sure they leave their shoes at the door.

Matt walks off and opens the door to find Niki and Noah dressed in formal attire.

Matt: Grandma?

Niki slugs him in the arm.

Matt: Ow….

Noah: Good evening, good sir. We're here for the candlelight supper. I am The Arch Duke Ferdinand Von Haderlitz. And this is my lovely wife, Franchesca

Niki: Charmed.

Matt: Thank you.

Matt walks outside and takes his shoes off.

Niki: You're letting US in, stupid.

Matt: Oh….then come in.

Niki and Noah follow Matt.

Matt: Lose the shoes, though. It's an actual rule.

Niki and Noah look at each other before obliging. Into the dining room they follow Matt who is ringing a cow bell.

Matt: ATTENTION! GUESTS HAVE ARRIVED!

Hyacinth: Okay, thank you. You can stop that now.

Hyacinth takes the bell.

Hyacinth: Please, have a seat.

Later….

Noah (explaining to Hyacinth): …and when I liberated France from The Russians in 1942 they erected many statues in my honor.

Hyacinth: That's nice.

Niki: And you wondered why Claire failed History.

Hyacinth: That was a lovely story. And I don't believe you introduced yourself.

Elle looks up from her dinner, sporting two very large blonde pigtails pointed upward.

Elle: Brunhilda Glockenspiel. After I married for money I liberated France from The Russians in 1942.

Noah: That was my story, you cow!

Niki: You both suck at History!

Hyacinth: What is it that you do, Mrs. Glockenspiel?

Elle: Like I said, I married into money so I'm filthy rich. Dive into a vault and swim around Scrooge McDuck style rich. Though I wouldn't recommend it. I once had a cousin that was actually rich and tried that. His neck actually looks like an accordion. That actually happens. Wile E. Coyote had it right all along.

Hyacinth: Okay…..and you? (To The Haitian)

Haitian: I'm The Prince Of Norway….my name is….(looks at a piece of paper) Prince Don Ronald McDonald Von Ronfraur.

Hyacinth: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Can you repeat it?

Haitian: …No.

Hyacinth: Okay, let's eat. Servant!

Matt walks in with another guest.

Matt: There apparently was one more guest. I present Adam Munroe.

Adam: Hello!

Noah, Niki and The Haitian exchange looks.

Adam: I'm here to pick up my shipment.

Adam walks behind Matt and presses a button on his collar, he passes out.

Noah hops up and draws his gun, Elle draws a dinner roll.

Niki: What do you want with Matt?!

Adam: He's going to join his friends.

Noah (to Haitian): You want to jump in?

The Haitian is passed out.

Noah smells his glass.

Noah: The brandy! It must be poisoned.

Elle drops her glass, she starts screaming.

Elle: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Niki: Elle! Calm down!

Elle: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Niki slaps her. Everyone looks at her.

Niki: I had to stop her screaming.

Adam: Enough of this! (Pulls out a gun) Surely you're not going to shoot me since you know what I can do.

Noah: I'm willing to take the risk. Oh, and the brandy's not poisoned, he's just a lightweight.

Adam fires his gun; he misses and hits a decorative plate on the wall.

Hyacinth: GASP!...You….you shot my plate!

Adam: Oh, sorry about that…

Hyacinth: You….shot….my….plate…

Adam: I'll have someone go by Wal-Mart and get you another.

Hyacinth: Wal…Wal?! WA-?!...Get out. EVERYONE GET OUT!

The front door opens as Hyacinth pushes out Adam, Elle, Niki and Noah (dragging out Matt and The Haitian). The door slams shut.

Adam: Well, I guess we can continue where we left….

Adam stops….before slumping to the ground. Elle is standing behind him, having shoved a portion of the broken decorative plate in the back of Adam's head.

Niki: Holy crap, Elle! That's…..dark…well, for you. Not for me….well, you're kinda nuts, maybe not for you too.

Elle: Oh, relax, he'll wake up when you pull it out.

Niki: I guess.

Elle (to Adam): And THAT'S FOR POISONING THE BRANDY!

Niki: The brandy wasn't…..wait, we didn't even have brandy! What the hell….

Both The Haitian and Matt come to.

Haitian: What did I miss?

Noah: Oh, we almost died again. Thanks for never being around to use your power when we need it, Don Von Ronfuardo or whatever the hell your name is.

Matt: Speaking of which…..Adam here has Nathan, Mohinder, Tracy, and….Ando held prisoner!

Niki: How did you…..holy crap, he used his ability and was useful TWICE in one episode.

Matt: (Whispering): He did kind of tell me his plan in the hallway on our way to the dining room at Hyacinth's like most Villains do.

Niki: ….

Matt: I mean….totally read his mind!

Niki: I'm not falling for that twice!

Matt: Anyway….they're holding them…..at a prison complex…..in…..Las Vegas!

Niki: I'll call Peter and let him know. Let's take Adam and throw him in the trunk for now.

Matt safely detached his collar.

Matt: I guess it got deactivated…whew!...(Looking at it)….Hmm…it's beeping really, really fast…..maybe not..

Matt runs over, opens Hyacinth's front door and tosses the collar inside. Then runs off.

Matt: RUN!

The windows of her living room blow out from the explosion.

Hyacinth: WHAT THE!? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIVING ROOM! ARRRGH!

Niki: Good thing she wasn't standing right by the front door.

Matt: She didn't come out here with us?...Oh, OOPS!

Later elsewhere, Peter gets off the phone.

Claire: Who was that?

Peter: It was Niki, they found Matt.

Claire: Cool.

Peter: And we know where Nathan and Mohinder are.

Claire: Where's that?

Peter (lowering his sunglasses): Las Vegas.

Claire: Where DID you get those sunglasses?

Peter: They must have flown off the man I accidentally hit. I'm always doing that. Peter Petrelli isn't my real name.

Claire: Hmm.

Peter: I hope you and West don't mind waiting in the car. No minors and all…

Claire: I'm 23!

Peter: Oh...

Later, in another car D.L gets off the phone.

D.L: Hmm.

Claude (in the passenger seat): Was that Peter?

D.L: Yeah. He says we don't have to have to look for Tracy and Ando anymore.

Claude: That's always nice.

D.L: Too bad we weren't looking for them anyway.

Ted (in the backseat with Sylar and Samson): And why are we tagging along?

Sylar: So we can have something to do. We spent our entire time in that stupid prison, the last place I want to be is…

The car pulls up to Arthur Petrelli's hideout.

Sylar: ….The prison.

D.L and Claude turn around.

D.L: Of course, why else would I bring you three with me? You're going to help me get my son back.

Sylar: And here I was thinking it was because of our likable personalities.

To Be Continued.