Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar the last Airbender, nor is anyone ever going to think that I do.
Chapter 8
It was raining again. He glanced at the skies, cold and dark, slowly becoming blacker and blacker as the night approached. There was a strong wind howling outside. He could hear it, feel the fierce lash of rain and air on his face as he stared out the window. He could see the trees swaying, bending to the wind's insistent command, a deadly dance that could, and would, ultimately result in the tree being torn from its roots, to lie on the ground, surrounded by displaced earth and soil, still alive, but immobile, doomed to lie in wait for death's cold embrace to slowly steal the green from its leaves, fated to end up as firewood, or at worst, a rotting log on the ground.
He smiled grimly, a little surprised at his thoughts. "Such melancholy," he mused, reaching forward with his right hand to pull the windows shut, the glass now separating him from the world outside. Just as the palace walls kept the world outside at bay, imprisoning him in the shadowy intrigues of politics and ruling that came with his throne. The Throne of Fire.
Tradition and law bound him, constrained him. Responsibility, to his people, to the honour of his family. A heavy burden to be carried, but there was no one else who could.
No, the word was not 'could'. Not 'no one else who could'. Rather, it was 'no one else who should'.
The Fire Lord gazed at the portrait on the table, a small smile on his lips. His eyes were distant...wistful. And tinged with pain, pain of a loss indescribable. His heart burned with hate and rage. And grief. He could never forget the grief. It was always there, that sense of loss, of regret.
Pain will be your teacher.
As it was mine.
He sighed heavily, moving back to the window, looking out at the darkness, the rain lashing on the glass...a man for a moment, but now a Fire Lord, as cold and distant as ice, the cruel facade hiding the fire that raged through his heart.
"Father," an insistent voice behind him said. He turned, his face impassive, all thoughts of the woman he had lost banished from his mind. "What is it, Azula?"
"It's Zuko...he..."
The Fire Lord turned away, his daughter's voice going on and on. He was only half listening to her, because he knew that it was always the same thing, and that his response would be the same response he had always given.
"Tell your brother that I want to see him."
It was strangely fascinating...how each and every choice that you make in life will one day come back to haunt you. Destiny was made up of little things...a seemingly innocuous choice here, a major decision there...how strange it was that it would be Ursa, and not him, who would ultimately make that one decision, and not only that, to act on that decision, to accomplish that one goal that he had dedicated most of his life to.
And all to save one boy.
He should leave thoughts like these to Iroh...his brother was better suited to contemplate life's mysteries, not him. Iroh. Now there was a man who would not have made a good Fire Lord. He could not see the bigger picture, the greater goal. His life had revolved not around duty, but around family. First, his wife...and then, Lu Ten. Iroh was a broken man now...the Fire Lord closed his eyes, driving away the pity from his heart before it could take root. He could not allow for weakness. And compassion, even for your brother, was weakness.
Love...love was also a weakness. And now he had lost love. He had lost it forever. He had lost love...for pain. And what was pain, then?
Pain will be your teacher.
Fire Lord Ozai closed his eyes, and turned away to the window again, lost in thought of the woman he had lost forever, to save the son he would soon lose.
He was standing at the foot of the portrait, his hands clasped behind his back, shifting his weight on one leg, his head tilted upwards. The Fire Lord gazed at the portrait, commissioned at a time that seemed like an eternity away. He smiled, his eyes distant, as he gazed at his mother. Beautiful, serene, calm and immutable. Perfection in his eyes. His smiled disappeared, but not entirely, as his eyes shifted to his father. Strong, silent, forbidding, a stern look on his face. But his eyes...his eyes told a whole different story.
Zuko smirked, now turning his attention to Azula. She was still as haughty as ever, the arrogance that came with her station as royalty, even though Father had not been Fire Lord at the time, not even the heir apparent. It had been Uncle Iroh at the time...when Lu Ten had been alive.
The Fire Lord sighed, and walked away, head bowed low.
Were we really like that, once? A family? He smiled bitterly. A family. The word carried a certain amount of irony with it, considering all that had happened to him, to them.
Azula was born lucky. You were lucky to be born.
But who is on the throne now, Father? Your lucky daughter...or me?
He walked along the hallways of the palace, glancing around half heartedly, mostly for something to do rather than any particular desire to take in the overwhelming opulence and overbearing presence of crimson of his palace. He needed a walk, needed to clear his head...feeling slightly suffocated in his study, by the continuous presence of the scrolls on the tables, by the maps on the walls that seemed to enfold upon him, threatening to cover and strangle him.
He was tired. That much he would admit to himself. All these plans, all these plots...he was never one for the intricacies of politics, always having kept aloof from the complexities of palace politics. Of course, being banished helped in that, he thought wryly.
No...international politics was a whole lot more complex. And he was playing it all the same.
Did he want to continue this war? Honestly, he did not know. There was always two sides to everything. Two sides...
Black and white. Yin and Yang. Fire and Water. Tui and La.
War and Peace.
Was continuing the war the right thing to do? He did not know. Nor did he ever hope to find an answer to that question. Could he justify continuing the war that had already brought so much suffering and pain on so many people?
He did not know.
Why continue the war? Perhaps that was the wrong question to ask. The Fire Lord paused, glancing at the huge windows, his gaze moving through the thick glass to the gardens outside. The gardens were doing remarkably well this year, as if they too could sense the change of atmosphere in the palace.
He remembered the gardens well. His mother had loved the gardens...she had taken a personal interest in their cultivation. The effort that she had put into them...it was as if she was seeking her own escape from the constraints of palace life. He had been young, and he had not known, but now, looking back, there was something there, beneath that calm exterior. He sighed, and began to turn around again, to continue his endless pacings of the hallways of his palace.
I miss you, Mother.
Had Ursa supported the war? That question brought him up short, and the Fire Lord paused in mid turn. Had Mother supported the war? And again, he realised...he did not know.
Would Mother have approved of what I am doing now?
Now that was a question that he did not really want answered. Probably because he already knew what the answer would be.
He shook his head, trying to banish the thoughts of war away from his head. He needed a break from all this...war, ruling the Fire Nation...he needed peace, solitude.
Freedom.
He needed to feel free again. To feel the wind on his face, to look out at the boundless lands before him, to know with utmost certainty that he could go anywhere he wanted to go. To not have the burdens of ruling a kingdom on his shoulders. To not bear the guilt of sending men into war. To not be the one who revisited pain and misery upon people who were already sick and tired of it all.
The Fire Lord sighed. There is was again, the thoughts of war that seemed to haunt him incessantly these days. Day and night...there seemed to be no escape from them, their whispers, their accusations.
The guilt was there within him.
Something caught his eye, and the Fire Lord paused again, glancing out the windows once more. It was a dark skinned girl in a blue tunic, walking alone in the gardens, as if it was the most commonplace of things to do when you were a Waterbender in the Fire Nation, at a time of war. And yet there she was, just strolling about, in a slow way, looking around with no sense of the defiance that seemed to be there when she had met with him in the throne room. He could see her clearly from here...to such a precise detail that the few stray hairs that escaped the loops that she had tied were just about visible to him.
Zuko shifted his body, moving his weight from one foot to the other, his eyes never leaving the sight before him. The afternoon sun shone brightly overhead, warming his face and body through the glass, and, as he watched over the Water Tribesgirl before him, felt something strange stirring within him.
She had friends...friends who would die for her. Friends who had died for her. She had people around her who loved her, who enjoyed her presence, who were not in the slightest bit uncomfortable or afraid of her.
He, on the other hand, had nothing at all.
Loneliness was a terrible thing. Sure, he was surrounded by people who would follow his every command to the letter, but could you really command someone to be your friend, to open yourself up to a total stranger? No...he smiled mirthlessly. There was no humour in that smile.
Do you know how it feels to be truly alone? To be left watching on the outside as the rest of them play? To be marked as an outcast, an exile? Do you know how it feels like during those cold nights, when you stay awake in your bed, just looking at the ceiling, with no one to reach out to, no one to talk to, no memories to look back on the ones that will bring you nothing but more pain?
Do you know what it feels like to be me?
Does anyone know how it feels like to be me?
Loneliness...emptiness...isolation. He turned away momentarily, leaning his back against the wall, then returning his gaze to the sights outside the window. She was still there, moving around, just looking at the plants.
Loneliness. Was it the same as being alone? No, he didn't think so, for he was not alone, was he? He had Uncle, for one thing...Iroh had been with him for almost his whole life. No, he was not alone...Zuko was never alone.
He was just lonely. It was like an inner worm that gnawed at his heart, like a feeling that no one wanted him and frustrating because he didn't know why. But did you ever try, Zuko? Did you ever try to find out why? He closed his eyes, and, for one of the few times in his life, actually examined himself. Honestly, brutally even, immediately discarding any attempt to defend himself, to excuse himself, to foist the blame upon the people around him, as he had always did.
Loneliness can be a feeling of of shame for not being a good enough person to be something other than lonely, and being too ashamed to be capable of ending the feeling of loneliness
He was tired of being lonely. The Fire Lord straightened his back, and glanced outside for one last time, his face unreadable, and only his eyes told of the resolve he felt.
He would be Zuko Alone no longer.
She glanced around the garden. It was truly remarkable, she thought to herself, that something so beautiful could be found here, in the Fire Palace. It was prejudiced of her...she had always imagined the Fire Nation to be filled with cruel barbarians, but her travels had led her to see that there was no actual difference between the Fire Nation, or the Earth Kingdom, or the Water Tribes. They were all people, no matter which nation they belonged to. They could laugh, play, rejoice, and mourn...they could love, and they could hate. They could be compassionate, like the people who had helped Aang and the rest of them while in hiding from the Fire Nation...and they could be cruel, like the Fire Nation soldiers who had attacked her home, so many years ago.
They could create beauty, and they could be ugly. And it was, unfortunately, the ugly side of people that so very often reared its ugly head.
The garden was not quiet, but it gave her a sense of peace and tranquility that she welcomed gratefully. She was tired, from the journey, from the unpacking, from the talks with various palace functionaries who had been given orders to show her around the palace, to explain to her the delicacies of Fire Nation hospitality. And then there was the state function tonight, which she had been invited to. Accepting it earlier had seemed like a good idea, but now...now, she was not so sure about it.
Having second thoughts about it, Katara? She smiled to herself, as she bent slightly to look closer at one of the rose plants. The flower was red, darker than the crimson that the entire palace was covered with. It was small, delicate, and possessed a sharp scent that assailed her almost immediately. It was not an unpleasant scent at all...rather, it was...she could not really explain it. She was no expert on flowers and their scents, in any case. Life in the South Pole did not give her many opportunities to explore the various flowers and their scents.
She raised her head again, and turned away from the flower. As she straightened, she caught sight of the tall spire above, a shard rising from the ground as if to strike at the sky above. The Fire Lord's personal quarters were...had been there. After the attempt on his life, it seemed only logical that Zuko would move to another room. There were a number of suites in the Fire Palace, all large enough to accomodate a Fire Lord.
"I hope the gardens are pleasing to you." She froze, recognizing the voice immediately. She turned, slowly, a smile lighting up her face. "Prince Iroh," she said, genuine delight in her voice, "It's good to see you again." She meant every word.
The old man stood before her, smiling widely. He seemed the same, but there was something in his eyes, something that belied the smile on his face. His eyes were tired, but there was also something else. Worry, perhaps? She mentally shook herself. Whatever it is, it is not your business. You are a guest of the Fire Nation...don't poke your nose into things that do not concern you.
"How have you been?" he asked, moving beside her. She was taller than him, but still, she felt smaller in his presence. "All right," she replied, turning away, not knowing if her answer was the truth, or a lie. "How are you?"
"Not bad, for a man my age," he replied, and gave a good natured laugh. His humour, whether it was forced or not, was still infectious, and she could not help but join in.
"You have already met Zuko." It wasn't a question, just a statement, and she found herself wondering if she should reply to it or not. What could she say in reply, anyway? She nodded, not really knowing what else to do. "Did you discuss anything?" he asked, carefully, and she could feel the mood change. The good natured feeling was gone, and it was replaced by a grave seriousness.
"Nothing," she replied, "He said that we would begin the negotiations tomorrow, or the day after."
Iroh nodded, and did not say anything, but Katara was left with the impression that he had gained something from her reply. He knows something. Well, that was hardly surprising, after all. He was Zuko's uncle, and was no doubt present in whatever meetings the Fire Lord held.
"It is a great responsibility, to be given the task of negotiating with the Fire Lord, on behalf of the Earth King, no less," Iroh said. Something must have shown on her face, for the old man hastily spoke again. "I am sure that you will be able to handle it well."
"Tell me something, Prince Iroh," Katara said suddenly, turning to face the old man, who glanced at her quizzically, but with a resigned look on his face.
"You want to know why Zuko is not ordering the Fire Nation soldiers back." Again, he said it matter of factly. He was right, of course. And it was not really hard for him to guess either. Katara nodded, watching his face carefully. He wouldn't lie to her...not Iroh.
Would he?
The old man was quiet for a moment. He turned away, moving to the plants that lined the pathway that wound through the gardens. Katara thought of repeating the question, but she knew that the old man had heard her. And she had too much respect for the Dragon of the West to insult him by repeating it again. She kept her silence, and moved closer to him.
"Zuko..." the old man began, and sighed. "He..." Iroh stopped, and laughed, a humourless laugh. "Zuko does what Zuko does. I cannot explain it. No one can. I don't think he even knows what he is doing." The Prince turned to face the Waterbender. "He believes that what he is doing is what is best for the Fire Nation."
"What about what is best for the world? What about the people of the other nations? What about those who have lost so much already...those who will continue to lose? What about the people in Ba Sing Sei...those who died?" Her voice was raised now, the agitation evident in the tone she used. "They died...for what? For the Fire Nation?" There were tears in her eyes, as she spoke about death. "What about those who have already died...those who have lost their lives to this useless war? Do they have no say in the matter?"
Iroh did not frown, did not do anything to react to her outburst, did not give any indication that he disagreed, or agreed with her. He merely regarded her impassively, as if allowing her to say the things that she had been yearning to say to Zuko when she had met with him earlier. Katara felt the tears welling up in her eyes, and she furiously dashed them away.
"What about what Aang did? He sacrificed his life for everyone, for all the nations, not just for the Earth Kingdom or the Water Tribes! He sacrificed his life for the Fire Nation too...so that the people...everyone...could finally live in peace! Does that not matter?"
"Why tell me?" Iroh asked then, ending his silence, breaking her tirade. "Tell the Fire Lord." He moved towards her, and placed a gentle arm on her shoulder. "You should have asked one last question, Katara. Why is it Zuko's fault alone? Why does it have to be the Fire Lord alone who decides whether there will be peace...or war?"
That evening, they were escorted, with some ceremony, it was worth adding, through the echoing hallways of the Palace of Fire to a banquet hall that appeared to be as large as the massive courtyard in front of the Earth King's palace. To enter the hall, a guest had to approach one of two doorways that led to a broad, curved stairway, lined with branched candelabra and two liveried trumpeteers, one at the top of the stairs, and one at the bottom.
It was obviously designed for grand entrances by the guests. The Fire Nation, or her nobles and high ranking officials at least, although there was little distinction between both, seemed to enjoy these things, their names and titles being announced with trumpet fanfare by a herald who wore crimson of a shade that if not for his uncovered head, would easily have passed for a part of the wall.
Katara and Suki waited in an antechamber as the last of the local dignitaries were announced. Their entrance would be as part of the contingent of ambassadors and noblemen from the colonies, as the conquered territories were called here.
"Nervous?" Katara asked, and Suki glared at her. The Kyoshi warrior looked distinctly out of place, and Katara knew, she was no better. Peasantry does tend to stand out amongst the fine decorations, she thought to herself somewhat dryly. The clothes provided for her were of a quality she was somewhat unused to, but Iroh had insisted that they both wear them. As if we would fit in anyway.
"Your turn, my ladies," the chief of protocol, an young man who fussed about at the guests waiting in the antechamber whispered to them, flapping his hand in a 'come here' motion, urging them to the doorway. Suki took a breath, and walked forward. Katara followed, feeling that her legs were strangely heavy, as if they were made of lead or steel.
"The Lady Katara, and the Lady Suki, ambassadors of the Earth King," the herald declaimed loudly, and they began their descent. There was not much of a break in the buzz of conversation in the hall, but a few curious glances, and some not as much curious as questioning, thrown towards them. Katara was thankful for the former, it was only Suki, ever the vigilant bodyguard, who noticed the latter.
They reached the bottom, and the part Katara was dreading had finally come.
She had to mingle.
It was hard enough for her to mingle with people who did want to meet her. The young Waterbender was not shy, but she was uncomfortable in such surroundings such as these, with the opulence and richness...the obvious distinction in rank and wealth. These people were in a species of themselves...some snobbish, some down to earth...uncomfortable was an understatement, really.
The worst thing would not be if someone talked to them. The worst thing would be if no one talked to them. They stood together, glancing blankly, with some measure of apprehension, at the throng before them. Noblemen, noblewomen, both old and young, influential and functionary. Talking and laughing, caught up in a world of their own, discussing matters that ranged from lighthearted and ordinary to matters that carried significantly more weight.
And it was into this crowd that the two of them were supposed to enter.
Fortunately, Iroh spotted them, and came to their rescue. The old man had, since his nephew's elevation, regained all the influence he had once held...probably even more, and he had little difficulty in making his way through the crowd, muttering a few polite and meaningless 'excuse me's' to anyone on whom his body, which was generously expanded, bumped into.
"Welcome, welcome!" he said, smiling broadly, taking Suki by the hand and leading them forward, into the crowd. "I hope you will not mind, but it is considered polite, and somewhat necessary, for a man to escort a beautiful woman during functions like this," he told her apologetically, noting the surprised look on her face. Suki was not one to be easily flattered, but she did smile slightly upon hearing the word 'beautiful', and, more importantly, she did not remove her hand from his.
"Has the Fire Lord arrived yet?" Katara asked, raising her voice slightly to be heard over the steady stream of various conversations around her. "No...not yet," Iroh replied. "It is customary for the Fire Lord to be the last to arrive," he continued, as he led them closer to, Suki saw with some amusement, a table laden with food and drinks.
"This is not the main course...merely something to nibble on while you talk," Iroh informed them. "The dinner will only begin when the Fire Lord arrives, which I hope will be soon!" he chuckled, and Katara smiled. She glanced at the table before her. It looked, to her, like the main course...and more.
Sokka would have loved it here. The thought came unbidden, but the stab of pain that usually accompanied it seemed slightly lessened, at least for the moment.
The banquet, for that was what it seemed to be to her, featured a number of exotic dishes that Suki could not put a name to and several which she did not even know how to eat. Slowly, hesitantly, she reached out a hand to try one dish. It was a deceptively innocent looking rice dish, but it was laced with incredibly fiery seasonings that it brought tears to her eyes, and made her reach for one of the small goblets that were so neatly arranged on the table. Katara laughed at that, and choked on her drink, earning her a smirk from Suki.
There must have been some sign to signify something, for all of a sudden, the entire hall became slowly quiet, a respectful sort of silence, and most of the people turned to the doorways at the entrance. The trumpeteers did not blow, but there was a general straightening of clothing and postures, as, slowly...even regally...the Fire Lord made his entrance.
Zuko was wearing the customary red, but his robe was laced with gold and black. He seemed to pause momentarily as he entered, and continued to make his way down, two armoured guards, both armed with long, ceremonial spears, walking smartly behind him. More traditional than actual bodyguards, for the style of their armour was archaic, of the sort that was even older than the ones kept in the Northern Water Tribes.
The crowd parted as the Fire Lord made his way to the imperial platform, which was located towards the center of the hall. It was a slightly elevated platform, on which sat the table reserved especially for the Fire Lord and the royal family, as well as his special guests, both foreign and domestic. A vast wave of bows and curtsies rippled through the crowd as he moved along the carpeted promenade leading up to the platform. He took his place, and the conversation started up again, remarkably quickly, as if the flow had not been interrupted at all.
"Dinner will be served shortly," Iroh said suddenly. Katara had dimly realised that the old man had momentarily left them as his nephew entered, but she had not noticed when he returned to their side. "Where shall we sit?" she whispered to him, glancing around at the tables, which were slowly being filled by the various guests.
"Well...I would take it as a personal honour if you will join me at my table," he replied. "Where?" Suki asked, then turned towards the elevated platform that stood as a centerpiece to the splendour of the great hall. "Oh," she said,not as a reply, but more out of a need to say something.
"Are you sure?" Katara asked doubtfully. "I mean, it is..." she trailed off, uncertain on how to put her thoughts into words. "Oh, it will be perfectly all right," Iroh assured her, taking her hand in his left, and Suki's hand in his right. "The Fire Lord himself suggested it...at my behest, of course." He grinned impishly, and both girls laughed.
Now this should be interesting, he thought to himself, as he led the two girls to the table.
Zuko watched impassively as his uncle led the two girls up the ramp. He flicked a wrist, and a servant approached with a decanter, pouring into the goblet before his Fire Lord. Zuko lifted it to his lips and took a sip, before standing up as the two girls approached.
"Welcome," he said quietly, to the surprised looks on the faces of the other guests at the table, as well as the two girls who had just arrived. His uncle, however, nodded approvingly. Very good, Zuko...
The hall was silent once more, and all eyes were focused on the imperial platform, or rather, on the Fire Lord. Zuko picked up his chopsticks, and parted them.
"Let us begin."
Miles away, another monarch was in no mood for any functions. After all, his palace itself had been captured, and he was living, once again, amongst his people. But there was something else on his mind, something else on the mind of everyone else around him. It was encapsulated in three words, sent via messenger hawk to the Earth Kingdom headquarters on Kyoshi Island.
"They have invaded."
The Earth King glanced worriedly at the map before him. He was in a room, quite a large room, with a number of Earth Kingdom generals and head warriors of the Water Tribes. It was late, probably past midnight, but no one was feeling particularly sleepy at the moment. They had other things to worry about than sleep.
"They have advanced the line, approximately ten miles inwards. The soldiers at the border towns have been put on alert, but there has been no attack." Not yet, anyway, the Earth Kingdom general added silently. He glanced at the Earth King, his briefing concluded.He was one of the officers present in that secret meeting, and he wondered what order would be issued. It was easily predicted, of course, but there was always that slight chance that...
"Move the soldiers from the other towns forward, and begin the mobilisation of our reserves."
It said a lot about the situation of the war, and the morale of the Earth King and his closest advisors, that no order to counterattack was given.
They had been warned, by their benefactor, the man who had organized that clandestine meeting of Earth Kingdom and Water Tribesmen. He had warned that sooner or later, the Fire Nation would encroach. Not attack, but encroach. Slowly approaching, without overt force. But approaching nevertheless.
The benefactor was right...right about this one point. And right about the order that was issued.
He had been right about two things already.
Was he right about the next course of action that had to be taken now? The officer shuddered at the thought, cautiously, purposely, avoiding using that one word...that one, damned, wretched word.
Treason.
Author's Note
Another chapter up! Sorry it took so long. Like I said, I had exams and all. And, I must confess, I was slightly apprehensive about writing this chapter, because it would have to be handled quite carefully.
You have no idea how much I was tempted to say that Zuko liked Katara all along, and she liked him back. But it would be just so wrong, right? Haha...'wrong, right?' Okay...not funny.
The window scene was difficult, to say the least. God knows I really wanted to put in...'He had always loved her,secretly...bla bla bla blah.' But I think that would spoil the whole mood of the story, cos I think that Zutara has to be built up slowly, gradually, to eliminate all traces of that wretched Kataang-ness. I just hope I handled it well. So, as always, feel free to tell me what you thought about it.
At least tell me that there was some Zutara in this. Tell me I'm not imagining it. PLEASE!!!
And now, moving on...
The Beach was excellent!!! Absolutely incredible! Zuko is hot. Hot hot hot. God I love Zuko. And I was rejoicing when he and Mai fought, and I actually went..."Oh, fck" when they got back together at the end. Absolutely disgusting. Azula is becoming a more complex character. More tragic, even. Absolutely delicious. She is officially my new favourite character, after Zuko, of course. I am still a fangirl, you know.
Although, I must contradict myself in saying that I'm not actually a Zutara fangirl, but a Zuko fangirl. Which means that I like Zuko, not Zutara. Although I do prefer Zutara over Maiko...I'm beginning to feel some doubt rise within me. The dark side is calling...and I have to say that I am responding.
I'm just telling you this because there is the slight chance that this story might not end with Zutara, but I swear to God, it won't end with Maiko either, nor will I put in some OC to be with my beloved Zuko.
That's right...MY beloved Zuko. So back off!
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Anyways...BYE!!!!
