A/N: So, this is the latest chapter in this weird journey.
Once Brom was done napping and raiding the fridge for Oreos, the two weirdos ( I meant heroes) set on their journey.
"You know Eragon," Brom said. "I think that it is time for me to start teaching you stuff. I mean real stuff."
"Wait a minute, so that means that whatever you've been teaching me up to this point has been useless?" Eragon asked.
"Of course not," Brom said nervously. "Now before we continue, why don't you perfect your skills in giving back massages? It's something that all Riders need to know. And oh yeah, make sure that you practice playing Nintendogs for at least half an hour a day after sunrise."
By the way, if you're wondering, the only thing that Brom really taught Eragon was how to speak Urgal, which isn't really that hard anyway and probably useless. You know, probably.
At that moment two Urgals approached them. Both of them looked pretty much the same. Since I'm assuming that none of you know Urgal, and since it is hard anyway to put down all the nuances of their pristine and complex language into paper, I will include translations in parenthesis.
"Urgal urgal urrgal," one of them said. (All your stuff is belong to us.)
"Urgal urgaaal urgall," the other one said. (Hand it over.)
"Why? Where are you two from?" Eragon asked.
"Urgaal urgal urgal," one of them said. (We serve Durza.)
"Urgal urgaal urgaaaal," the other said. (We need supplies to attack Varden.)
"Urgal urgaaal urgal." (We tried raiding a village earlier.)
"Urgal urgaaal urgal." (But they only beat us up and took our lunch money.)
"Urgaaaal urgal urgal urgal urgal-urgal." (The same thing's always been happening.)
"Did they just tell us that they're going to attack the Varden?" Eragon whispered to Brom.
"Yeah, Urgals tend to be not so smart and such," Brom said.
"Urgaaal urgaaal urrgaaal." (We heard you say that. Die.)
"Don't worry about this boy," Brom said. He then turned to the Urgals and said, "I am Brom, last of the free Dragon Riders," (somewhere, Oromis decided for some reason that he would punch Brom when he'd return to Elesmera) "I am the slayer of Morzan, first and last of the forsworn. And oh yeah, not only am I an awesome swordsman and have +200 strength against Urgals, I know magic as well, and I could kill you just as easily as I would pick up two pens. And also, I know how to fight minds so I could easily turn both of you into my mind slaves. So what do you say to that?"
Brom expected the Urgals to run away hearing all that.
What really happened was that one of the Urgals punched Brom in the stomach. Brom collapsed instantly and didn't get up. So much for being in control.
Then, the two Urgals turned to Eragon. He did what any other Rider would have done in his shoes: He started screaming like a little girl and started running away in some random direction.
Unfortunately, since he was Eragon, he ran over to a riverbank, and since he didn't know how to swim (he had nearly drowned nine times in his bathtub back in Carvahall) there was nothing that he could do as the two Urgals approached him. He had no idea how to use Zar'roc, and Brom had only told him how to do back massages and play Nintendogs.
"Uh, so how about a little wager instead?" Eragon asked.
"Urgaal urgal." (Okay. What?)
"Uh, see, I have this coin with me right here. Now, I have some secret information that I won't tell you, but I am willing to wager it for both of you leaving me alone," Eragon said. "So how about this, if it comes out to be heads, I'll win and you have to let me go. If it lands on tails, you'll lose and then you have to let me go. If there is any other outcome, you guys win and I'll tell you the secret and you can kill me. Sounds good?"
"Urgalurgal," one of them said. (Sounds good.)
"Urgal urgal urgal," the other said. (Something's fishy.)
"Like what?" Eragon asked nervously.
"Urgal urgalurgal urgaaal urgal urgal urgaal." (I bet that coin is rigged.)
"No it isn't," Eragon said and handed the coin over to the two Urgals for inspection. Both of them grunted and said that Eragon could continue.
This is great, Eragon thought. He had always known that Urgals were stupid, but not that stupid. The whole coin deal had been something that Roran had always played on him when they were deciding on who was going to clean the toilet after Garrow had been in it (none of the servants would go in, because of course, it was a toxic wasteland) and so Roran would always trick Eragon by saying "Heads I win, tails you lose."
It took Eragon three years before he realized that Roran was cheating him. But now, it was time for him to use that trick on these losers. The whole thing made Eragon feel devious.
Yeah, he was a real criminal mastermind just like Artemis Fowl, he thought. (Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, Artemis Fowl felt highly insulted for some reason.)
"Urgaal urgalurgalurga urgal urgaa urgal." (Stop grinning like an idiot and flip it.)
Eragon flipped the coin.
Instead of catching it in his hand, he felt like letting it go and hit the ground. What difference would it make anyway, he reasoned?
And then the coin landing on its edge.
Yeah, let me repeat that, the coin landed on its edge. And since this was a riverbank, the soil was soft and the coin sank in deeper and didn't fall down.
In other words, the coin had landed on neither heads nor tails. Eragon had lost.
Somewhere far away, this incident was being recorded in the Guinness World Book of Epic Fails.
"Urgal urgaaal urga." (Now we kill you.)
"Urgaaal urgal urgal urga urga," (Wait, my back's hurting.)
"Urgaaal urgal urga urgal urga urgggaa urga." (And, I can't figure out how to get this puppy in Nintendogs.)
Eragon couldn't believe his luck. And so, he gave both of them back massages and unlocked the special puppy for them in Nintendogs. And so, he made his way back to Brom, who was just getting up since they let him go for that.
"And so now you get up," Eragon complained.
"How'd you escape from those two?" Brom asked.
"Uh, I heroically attacked them and they fled upon the sight of my noble personage," Eragon said. He tried using as many big words as possible, all of which he had learned from Saphira.
"Yeah right, I bet you groveled and cried and begged for your life and then they finally gave up on you," Brom said.
"That's not what happened," Eragon said and he explained what had really happened to him.
"Hah, so you can clearly see that what I taught you was successful," Brom said.
"No it wasn't," Eragon said and kicked Brom. "Why haven't you taught me how to ride, or how to fight, or anything like that?"
"Okay, okay, fine then," Brom said. "So let's start off with some weapons training. So, you see, there's this 'weapons triangle', basically swords beat axes, axes beat lances, and lances beat swords, and tomes really don't do anything, but they allow you to attack from two spaces away so that's good, but archers have to always strike from one space away."
"Are you going to join the rest of us in reality or not?" Eragon asked. "And shouldn't we go and warn the Varden that there is an army of Urgals going to attack them?"
"Okay," Brom said. "And on the way we really should go stop by Teirm so we can talk to my friend Jeod."
"Wasn't he the one who helped you take Saphira's egg?" Eragon asked.
"Yeah, I remember the guy from my early days in Alagaesia University," Brom said.
"Wait, you went to college? What did you major in?" Eragon asked.
"Child psychology," Brom said. "It has helped in dealing with you."
Meanwhile, Team Ra'zac, as always, were up to no good.
"Have you laid out the trap?" Jessie asked.
"Yes," James answered. "I laid out a bottle of Seithr Oil where I know those two are going to head towards. They'll immediately deduce, of course, that the only people who would go and carry around such bottles of that kind of burning oil would be us, Team Ra'zac, and then they'll go to see records on where shipments of the oil have gone. And then they'll walk towards Helgrind, right into our trap."
"It's perfectly brilliant," Jessie said. "There's nothing that could go wrong."
"Hey Brom, I found this black bottle labelled 'Seithr Oil' and it says 'Property of Team Ra'zac' on it. Do you think it might be important?"
"Probably not, Eragon. Throw it away."
And then Eragon threw the bottle away and neither of them ever even thought about the bottle again or its importance.
A/N: And that ends it. Once again, I have to say that I own none of this, or the myriad number of references to shows and other fan based parodies on this. Thanks for reading.
