A/N: Thank you for the great welcome back – I appreciated all the reviews. This chapter will have a little more BETHYL in this one for you. There will be progress but it will be slow and angst full as this one isn't meant to be super fluffy. Once again, this story will continue to jump around a bit with as most chapters won't be like the last few. There will be larger jumps of time between them – I'll try my best to keep to the show timeline but there might be a few changes. Let me know if you are enjoying the story!
CHAPTER 9
"What the hell's the matter with ya?" growled Merle as he grabbed her arm and gave her a good shake. "Just because... just because it happened doesn't mean you can't die, you stupid fuckin' bitch."
Beth barely registered what Merle was doing or saying. She just couldn't stop crying. Waves of grief were washing over her shaking body.
It was a horrible loss, such an unnecessary loss. Tyreese hadn't needed to die. Beth was still covered in so much blood. The last life of him having bleed all over her, streaked on her clothes and her face.
Beth felt like she was to blame. It was her fault. She'd had that feeling again, the one that preceded a death. It had been the same feeling that had haunted her deep inside in the hallway at Grady just before her fate had changed; her death replaced with Dawn's. Did her death mean Tyreese had lived before? Was he dead because of her? Or was it one of those fates that didn't change no matter what she did or tried? Another sob wretched from her and shook her small frame. Beth had hated repeating and knowing every moment for such a long time, even if she tried her damnedest to change it. Now she was a weeping mess, and wishing she knew. Was she the reason Tyreese was dead?
"You ain't goddamn immortal. You can't be a damn fool and be riskin' yourself for stupid shit," Merle snarled, his contorted face inches from hers, trying to get her attention.
Most of the family was tending to Sasha and a few others. She wasn't the focus, and Beth didn't want to be but Maggie and Daryl were on Merle in an instant. There was a shove and a scuffle as they ripped Merle from the crying Beth. The trio was shouting at each other, cursing and snapping at one another.
Merle was right, of course he was right. Just because she knew when she was supposed to die, didn't mean she could risk herself unnecessarily. Hadn't she learned that fateful lesson in the hallways of Grady? She wasn't invincible, she couldn't be stupid. It was just that she'd gotten that feeling, that dark death feeling and had felt the need to join the venture to Noah's home at the last minute. She had snuck out with the crew without even letting Maggie or anyone else know. Maybe if she had stayed, maybe if she had done more… so many maybes….
Beth vaguely heard her own trembling voice calling for them to stop, that Merle was right. Her voice was tight, strained, as she confirmed she was stupid and reckless. It was probably all her fault.
"Beth, honey, it ain't," Maggie said, reaching for her. "Noah said you weren't even in the room."
She pulled back from the reassuring touch and shook her head to the negative, tears now streaking down the blood on her cheek. It didn't matter; Maggie couldn't possibly understand Beth's sense of culpability.
The ice blue eyes of Merle showed he understood. Merle didn't know if there should be blame, but he certainly could understand there was a possibility, just as Beth could. Merle shoved away from Daryl's grappling grasp and stomped away, a few more choice curses uttered under his breath. Merle knew just how fucked up this all was.
Beth turned as Merle had and dashed away in the opposite direction. She couldn't stand it at the moment, not the weeping of Noah or the shocked utterances of Sasha. There had been so much loss lately, too much for her heavy heart. Daddy. Mika. Lizzy. Bob. Tyreese. It was all just too much.
She didn't go far, she couldn't go far. It wasn't safe, and she knew now she had to be safe. This wasn't just about her anymore; it was never just about her. Beth found herself on the other side of their small camp, as far away as she could be within its circle. She sank down the trunk of a huge oak tree, finding solace under the far reaching and crooked branches. Beth pulled her knees tight to her chest and wrapped her skinny arms around, trying to encompass and hold of herself together as she continued to weep silently.
Sasha had already lost so much in such a short time, and she wasn't as much of a wreck as Beth at the moment. Perhaps Sasha's stoic staring and vacant look wasn't handling the grief well either. Maybe both of them were wrong or maybe both were right, either way Beth just couldn't stop crying.
Beth wiped at her face, trying to clear as much tears, snot and blood away as she could. Evening was fast approaching so she had to at least try to be quiet as she cried. Like Noah, who sat in the middle of camp, his arms curled around his head as if trying to protect himself from the horrors of his dead family. She could see the guilt in him. As if Tyreese's death was his fault for trying to take them somewhere safe or for his family, that perhaps he could have saved them all if he had only stayed behind.
She took in a rough and deep breath, taking another forceful swipe at her face. She ground the heel of her hands into her eyes, trying to stifle the tide of tears. Beth had promised herself a long time ago, no more tears. She pulled at the inner strength she had fought so hard to culture, trying to resurrect it from the well within. She had fallen apart when her father had died and her family had been torn apart. So had Daryl. With the help of each other, they had been able to pull each other back together.
Beth didn't even notice until she heard gravelly voice before her. "Greene." Daryl was standing next to her, his tall frame hoovering over her.
She didn't react immediately. Slowly Beth pulled her hands from her face but did nothing else for a space of a moment and then another. She didn't know what she was supposed to do or say. She was just too focused on trying not to start crying again.
Daryl seemed to be just as unsure as he shifted uncomfortably next to her. It took another moment before he decided to lower himself to her level. He knelt down slowly, his blue eyes finding it hard not to wince at her obvious pain.
Beth allowed herself a glance at him. Daryl looked so concerned. Despite the kisses they had shared a few weeks ago on the day they had reunited, there really hadn't been much more between them. The road wasn't really conducive to romance. It wasn't like they were Maggie and Glenn, doing it in a sleeping bag five feet from everyone else. They hadn't even really talked about the kiss or anything else for that matter. Daryl was hunting or protecting them most days and nights while Beth was helping to care for Judith and other daily activities. There just wasn't time. Beth supposed she'd have even less time now that one of Judith's caregivers was gone.
The simple thought alone started the tears to well up in her eyes again. Tyreese was gone. He was dead.
Before the tears could start to fall once more, Beth felt Daryl touch her arm. "Beth." His voice was low and quiet, yet so powerful. Daryl shifted to be seated next to her against the mighty oak, his crossbow next to them. He started to pull her towards him as he wrapped an arm over her shoulder.
She resisted slightly and gave a shake of her head. "I'm a bloody mess."
"Yeah, and like I've showered in weeks," he scoffed in return.
Beth stopped averting, letting herself be pulled to him. She buried her head in his chest as his strong arm enveloped around her. She squeezed her eyes tight against the raging hurt inside her.
How had she thought it was all going to be okay? That life would be wonderful and easy somehow because what she had seen. What the hell had she seen in the brief second between life and death? Beth had been sick and older. Daryl had been there along with a young woman she could only feel was her daughter. That was it. She knew nothing else. As far as she knew everyone in their small grouped family at the moment could be dead in the future. Dead tomorrow, dead the next week or dead in a year.
Although her journey for a second chance had been about accepting what she could and couldn't change, about letting go, and finding her future, she didn't want it to lead to the end of her family. Beth needed them all her, her family and friends. She didn't want to lose anyone else. She was so tired of losing.
Beth drew in a shaky breath. She knew she couldn't control the world. She never could, not before and not now. Beth wasn't a weak, scared little girl anymore. But she wasn't powerful enough to protect everyone either. That didn't mean she wasn't going to try if she could. Her family, her people, they were all she had left in this world.
Her thoughts stayed heavy, pushing on her eye lids. The day had been long and hard, and Daryl was warm and safe. She let her body relax against the sturdy man next to her. She closed her eyes, finally not afraid to let the darkness, the nothingness, take her to sleep.
Beth had stopped fearing she'd be waking up in a different reality every time she opened her eyes weeks ago. She no longer feared she was stuck in an endless loop. No, now she feared sleep for a different reason.
Nightmares. Gorman. The Governor. Walkers. Death. Pain. Touch.
She'd see her father die over and over again in front of her. She'd be trapped in the sterile walls of Grady with no escape. She'd feel his eyes and his hands as Gorman would graze over her. It never made much sense; Beth would just awake with a pounding heart in her chest and a rush of panic streaming in her veins, gasping and jerking conscious most mornings.
So when Beth woke slowly and easily for the first time in days, it was an immense relief to her. It was a moment of peace that she was utterly grateful to have. She knew it had everything to do with the man still at her side. Daryl never left her all night long.
It was cool out, the crisp morning air brisk against the exposed skin on her face. It was early spring, so the nights could still be very cold. Beth knew she must have snuggled in closer to his warmth during the night; she was practically in the man's lap. She wanted to burrow in further, to climb into his comfort and warmth. She wasn't sure what he'd do if she did, or if he'd even let her. Beth had felt him stiffen once he'd realized she had awakened. The man was so damn perceptive. She barely knew she was awake before he had. There would be no secrets around him.
Beth let her eyes open slowly, filtering in the sparse morning light. It was grey out still, soft and quiet in the space around them. She could see a few small tents popped up around the semi-circle of cars their people hand. It wasn't much since they had thought they'd have more yesterday and now realizing they had less today. She wasn't sure what had been decided after the disaster of yesterday, if anything at all had been. Where were they going to go? What was their next move? How were they going to live?
Beth knew those questions and more would come sooner rather than later. And if she woke up much more she'd have to face those questions rather than nestle into the warm haven she had next to her. She took a chance and snuggled in further with Daryl, griping his shirt in her fist and breathing him in deeply. It was a scent she'd gotten used to over the few months they'd been alone together. Sweat. Earth. Wind. Wild. Man.
"Mornin'." His voice was low, so low Beth more felt it in the rumbling of his chest than heard it from his voice.
She doesn't want this to end, this connection, closeness they'd been given this morning. They hadn't had a chance for this since… well, not ever being on the road. So Beth wanted to keep the moment, she wanted to take hold of it and never let either of them go, but she knew they did. Morning would come; there would be no stopping it. Daryl was already shifting under her small weight, his spine straightening.
With a measured releasing breath, Beth righted herself slowly. She ached a little, most likely from the way she had curled herself onto Daryl overnight. She opened her eyes fully. There was no one else up and about yet. Obviously there were a few guards on the perimeter but otherwise it looked like everyone else was still asleep.
Beth shifted herself until she was relaxed back against the oak tree next to Daryl, shoulders still touching. She rubbed her hands over her face once, pushing her frazzled hair back and tucked behind her ears. It was a new day. Another new day, and she always tried to appreciate a new day despite the heavy grief still solid in her chest.
She thought Daryl would have gotten up by now, that he would have taken his chance to run. But he didn't. Daryl had stayed. The thought alone made her smile. A small, barely noticeable one on her grimy face, but it was still there hiding amongst the dirt. It had been hard to know where he stood with her after their kiss. Sure, the kiss had told her a lot, but still there had been nothing more between them since then. Not a touch or look or anything that told her there was the more that she knew was there. Despite knowing, it would still be nice to have a little confirmation, something to drive her more confidently forward.
Daryl glanced over at her once, and then again. His dark blue eyes were darting and unsure. He looked like he wanted to ask her a question, to see if she was okay.
Beth took the liberty to answer without actually being asked. "I'm better. I just needed – " She wanted to say him, but found it was probably better to say " – that. Thanks."
A deep grunt escaped Daryl, one of those that had so many different meanings to the novice ear. Ones that Beth had deciphered from their time together, learning the little intricacies of each. This particular one was his most reassuring grunt, letting her know it was no big deal.
Beth reached out a tentative hand and placed it on his forearm, wanting to touch him again. She slid her fingers over the muscle, the one she loved so much. She heard his breath quicken and felt his muscle tense under her touch. It was electric and woke her up fully, knowing she was getting as big of a response from him as well.
She let her hand travel down to his wrist, feeling the pounding blood under at his exposed vein there. She moved was slowly over him, it was agonizing, it was wonderful. She allowed herself the time until she got to his hand, her fingers nudging at his closed fist softly until his palm released. She took the opportunity and laced her fingers with his, tightening a hold. Rested her head back on his shoulder, letting them have this, this soft quiet time together, just the two of them
It was quiet, it was perfect, and it was wonderful until he spoke. "Ya ain't gotta, Beth." His voice was almost a whisper but still rough and harsh.
Beth lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him, but Daryl avoided her gaze. His head turned down and away with his dirty hair concealing what little she could see. Beth was confused. She thought they were having a quiet moment to themselves, something just for them. But here was Daryl seeming to not even want it. Beth didn't understand what he was trying to say, what seemed to be upsetting him. She had hoped it hadn't really been his avoidance, but with this reaction, it did seem like that was what had been happening over the last two weeks with the lack of contact between the two.
His refusal of what she was offering in the moment was bewildering until he spoke again. "Ya don't owe me a thing."
"What does that mean, Daryl?" she asked softly.
His dark blue eyes flashed to hers before dropping away again. "I found ya. Don't mean ya gotta… ya gotta pay me back." He voice dropped lower after a gulping swallow. "I got the message back at the funeral home. Don't have to… ya don't owe me nothing."
Daryl shook her grip loose from his hand in a sudden flash of anger, maybe at being forced to speak an emotion, a hidden fear, or maybe at the memory of her perceived rejection. Beth wasn't sure, but was stunned enough to let her grip fall away. She knew in a flash that Daryl was jumping away from her. He was going to be gone if she let him run, and she couldn't have that. Not when Beth had just gotten a taste of having it just be the two of them again. She'd given him enough time; she wasn't having him run now.
Beth rose quickly, getting to her feet just behind him as he collect the crossbow that had been resting beside him. "Hey," she breathed as she reached out and grabbed his arm to stop him.
Daryl stopped all movement as her hand tightened on his. Beth tugged him back upright to her, close but not touching. He was almost weightless against her pull, so willing to come along but still somehow slightly resistant.
His words had utterly surprised her. Daryl thought she was trying to be appreciative, that she couldn't possibly have another reason to where she was or doing what she was doing. Well of course Beth was thankful that Daryl had searched for her when no one else could be bothered… but that didn't mean her attention was an obligation. No, that wasn't the reason she was griping him so tightly, wanting to keep him near.
"What kind of girl do you take me for?"
The question surprised him; his eyes darted back to her face again.
"Am I the kind of girl that would do anything she didn't want to?" Beth questioned lightly. Visions of peach schnapps, moonshine and a burning shack all came to the forefront of her mind. His features softened a bit, a harshness leaving that made her think he might be remembering the same time as well.
Daryl let out a snort of agreement. She was definitely a woman with her own mind.
Beth offered him a soft smile. "This is exactly what I want to be doing."
"Ya still don't have to."
"I know. It's not a have… it's a want, Daryl. Don't you want to?" Wow, those last words came out too fast before she'd had time to think about them. That question was a lot, even for her. And Beth felt it instantly in the hand she was holding, a slight pull and twitch of his fingers. The world around them had suddenly gone quiet and still, Daryl even more so than normal.
Beth didn't think Daryl was going to answer her. She didn't know if she wanted him to answer in the state of mind he was in. She probably wouldn't like the answer.
Instead, before Daryl had a chance to respond beyond his stunned and panic look, Beth continued, "I had time to think while… while we were apart."
Beth wanted to tell him this pull between them was real, that they had something special that was going to last. She wanted to put him at ease with the knowledge of them together for the next few decades, that she was never going anywhere again without him. She thought fate owed him that certainty and she desperately wanted to tell him. But deep down, she knew she couldn't. Beth knew she couldn't possibly explain it and make him understand, not without making him think she was damn crazy. Maybe she was. In the end, all that mattered was Daryl understood that she cared for him.
"Daryl, I'm here… right here with you because I want to be." Her hand tightened on his fingers, wrapping tightly to hold him in place. She felt the need to do that with all she wanted to tell him next.
"I'm not going anywhere again, Daryl. I'm back. I'm here. And I'm yours," Beth whispered gently.
Daryl looked sharply at her, his entire body tensing at her words. It might have been a bit much for the older man to hear, he didn't seem to have the same certainty she held within. Beth could feel him pulling, gravitating to the direction opposite of her but yet still hoovering there next to her, full of doubt at her declaration.
Beth licked at her lips nervously, needing to soothe the tension. "Listen, I know it's not ideal right now. This… this whatever it is we have. And it is something, Daryl, so please don't tell me it's not."
She held his eyes with her own, daring him to deny the connection she knew they both felt. There might not be a name for it yet, not exactly, but she knew damn well he felt it too. Even now there was a tingle where they were touching, a heat between their linked hands.
Daryl didn't deny it. He looked down at her, his darkened eyes not breaking from hers, and said nothing. While he didn't reject the idea, it didn't seem like he could entirely agree either. And that was okay with Beth. This was just the beginning for them, it was just the start. Daryl didn't need to have the answers right now, especially since she didn't either. He didn't need to say a thing, his look was enough.
Beth felt a little braver and pushed forward, leaning closer to him and titled her head up to his. "I ain't asking for much. I ain't asking for anything that you can't give. Just… just maybe a warm body to sleep next to on cool nights. Maybe a smile in the mornin' or before one of us has to go on a run. Just a touch, a look… just you, Daryl."
His eyes shied a little, a tinge of red blushing to his tip of his ears peeking out from his hair but he didn't bolt. That was all the encouragement Beth needed. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze.
"More can come later if we want. But now, with everything and the uncertainty we face, let's just be. Let's just enjoy what we can, when we can," she offered him quietly with the full weight of her heart behind it.
Those seemed to be the right words for him. Something of what she had said seemed to resonate with him. Daryl actually seemed to drift back towards her a little, his body inclining towards hers. His eyes softened as he looked over her face.
"You are a damned determined woman, aren't you?" His voice continued to stay low, just for the two of them.
"Yes," Beth offered with a small smile. "And I always get what I want."
Daryl left out a huff of humored air with a twinge of his own smile at the corner of his mouth.
But she didn't always get what she wanted. Beth wanted another kiss from him in that moment. She didn't just want it, she craved it. Every fiber of her body wanted to push up on her toes and press her lips to his as she had done before. Beth wanted him to be bold and capture her lips for the kiss that in the moment they both seemed to desperately ache for.
Unfortunately, Beth had to settle for the hug they both leaned in for. The grazing of his lips on her forehead and a tightened squeeze of his hand before she let him roll off and disappear into the morning as the camp around them started to wake. There would be time. Beth knew they had the time.
